Pick Up

Fix You

Author: pinkblink

Reviewer: DobuOnew

Title: 4/5

The title is eye-catching, short and I haven’t seen any story with this title. It transmits the angst of the story and I can relate it to the story as well. However, I wouldn’t just click it, because it doesn’t grab much attention.

Foreword + Description: 8/10

The description is short and goes straight to the point, without revealing too much of it. I liked the fact that you put that excerpt of the story. It makes the readers want to read more. But I think it would be good for the readers to know the reasons why you wrote about this theme and why Suho is the main character, etc. A small author’s note would be perfect.

Style + Design: 4/5

The font is at a good size and color, as it doesn’t hurt the readers’ eyes. The writing style matches the theme, though it if was a bit more descriptive it would lure readers in more. The poster also matches with the theme. As you don’t have a background I can’t judge it.

Plot: 21/30

The plot is good. I’ve never read any story similar to this – Joon Myeon being a psychiatrist and having a suicidal girlfriend - so bonus points for that. However, I found it confusing. I didn’t understand well, how Joon Myeon’s psychiatrist was a “jet black haired woman” and his girlfriend was also a “jet black haired woman”. Were they the same person? Or was he having dreams/hallucinations, because the last part pointed to that, as the girl had already died and Joon Myeon was there talking to her, saying he would fix her that time. Maybe he thought that the psychiatrist was his girlfriend? I think if you had developed more it wouldn’t be so confusing. Like why Joon Myeon’s girlfriend wanted to kill herself, for example. The situations could be more developed so the reader could understand exactly what’s happening.

Characterization: 6/15

You didn’t go through the characters’ personality that much, so what do we know about Joon Myeon? Only that he’s suffering with his girlfriend death, nothing else. About the other characters we don’t know much too, or almost nothing at all. I think you should have gone through this a little bit more.

Grammar + Spelling: 18/20

I don’t remember seeing any spelling mistakes. I remember seeing a wrong phrase structure and a word that it wasn’t needed there.

“Joon Myeon shook the body rapidly in the hope that the body would miraculously come to life again.”

It should be 

“Joon Myeon shook the body rapidly in hope that the body would miraculously come to life again.”

the “the” is not needed there. Also,

“Joon Myeon placed his drink down on the bar top abruptly.”

It should be,

“Joon Myeon placed his drink down abruptly on the bar top.”

Apart from that you did a great job with the spelling as well as the grammar.

Flow: 6/10

Maybe because you didn’t use a very descriptive writing style, the flow of your story was a bit too fast. If you had developed the plot as well as the characters, it would have the right flow, I think.

Overall Enjoyment: 3.5/5

As I said before, I liked the fact that Joon Myeon was a psychiatrist and that he was having those fights against his will to believe that his girlfriend had died. It was a new side of “him” that I saw on AFF. I’m usually used to see an “easy-going grandpa” around here, so it was refreshing to read something different with Joon Myeon as the main. (yes, he’s one of my top bias in EXO – so half point for you). I had to discount here because I found the fanfic a bit confusing and not so well developed.

Overall Score: 70,5/100

a/n: Well, with just a bit of improvement you’ll get there. The result wasn’t that bad and I think you have the potential to write amazing fanfics. So keep going! I hope my review was useful and that you liked it. I tried my best in advising you in the best way I can, with all my knowledge of English. If you did like my review, I hope you can request again in the future. Thank you for requesting at our shop and keep up with spreading the love towards our k-pop idols through writing! Please don’t forget to read the reminder. Fighting!

Reminder!

♥ Don't forget to comment after you pick up the review;

♥ Also follow all the rules of Somnium Review Shop;

♥ Do come back again :)