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♥ TITLE 3.5/5: The title does relate to the story, but I felt it lacked...pizzaz I guess. There was really nothing about it that drew me in or made me really excited to read it.

♥ FOREWORD + DESCRIPTION 3/10: I really got nothing from your description, and your foreword was just the title and when you made it. Honestly, if I were to find this on my own I wouldn't be too interested. What you do give me in the description is a cliche storyline that doesn't give me any reason to read this one rather than the plethora of others like it. I think you should put a little more time into your description and foreword. Give me a reason to keep reading. Give me something to pull me in and make me excited to read your story. I can easily look at when you posted your story at the top of the page, I don't need you to tell me that. Your foreword is a chance for you to give your readers a glimpse of what you can do. Use that chance to draw us in.

♥ STYLE + DESIGN 4/5: Your poster is very nice and the layout of your chapter is pretty simple yet eyecatching. The one thing I'm not a fan of is the little "»" you had before the first paragraph. That's about it besides your lack of background which isn't too important anyway.

♥ PLOT 10/30: Well. Since this is a short story, there isn't much to be said in the category of plot. Still, there was really nothing to this story. You basically took your sentence in your description and elongated it into four paragraphs with no plot development or movement. Even in short stories, there has to be some sort of plot. Really all you gave me was what they did. Why did they break? Why was this girl so broken that she was willing to turn to self harm? You could really make this story go places while still keeping it a short story if you just added some detail and filled the holes in your plot.

♥ CHARACTERIZATION 5/15: Your descriptions were very lovely, but I really couldn't connect with your characters at all. Basically, you just wrote "this is her. this is him. she did this. he did that. she's sad. he's angry." It really gave me as a reader nothing to go off of. Who is she? Who is he? I also didn't think the reference to the girl harming herself was fit in the context. It's okay to have things like that, but you just threw it in there carelessly as if it were just something to show that she really was broken up about it. Tell a little about her. Who is she and why did she hurt so much? How did she end up with him>

♥ GRAMMAR + SPELLING 15/20: Overall, your grammar is pretty good. The only thing I have a problem with is your sentence structure in places. Here are some examples of what you could change:

"Sometimes you end up with the typical happily ever after, but for others it's a bittersweet ending."

You're missing a few commas that would be needed, however, if you put them in, it would be crowded. I would suggest writing it as "Sometimes, you end up with the typical happliy ever after. But for others, it's a bitterseet ending."

"This is a short story about him and her, both different but yearning for the same thing."

I would change the "but" to a "yet" since you would need a comma before the but regularly which would make your sentence seem a little comma crazy.

The other issues I had was the whole "She was this. He was that." Technically, they're complete sentences with a simple subject and a verb. That said, it makes your writing look choppy right off the bad. I would suggest joining the two thoughts with a semicolon to make your writing more fluid. I would also suggest omitting some of that repetition. It's cool and interesting, but not for four whole paragraphs/

♥ FLOW 3/10: As I said in the plot section, you really have nothing for me to go off of. Your short story is really just a collection of sentences describing two people to some vague degree. For there to be flow, your story has to actually go somewhere.


♥ OVERALL ENJOYMENT 1/5: I really feel that you should expand upon what you have and really make this story bloom. Your entire piece gave me no reason to keep reading or recommend this story or wish there was more. To have truly good writing, especially in short stories, you have to make your readers wish with all their might that there was a sequel. Work on making your story have a plot and a reason to be there. With a cliche storyline, you really need to have something that makes your story stand out from all the others.


♥ OVERALL SCORE 44.5/100

a/n: I really hope I didn't offend you in any way. You did say to be harsh, so I went all out. I hope you know that I never mean to put you down or hurt your feelings. I just want to help you improve your writing. With that, I hope my advice helped and that you grow as a writer :)

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