Pick Up

"But you're a rabbit!"

Author: whattodoaboutonew 

Reviewer: DobuOnew

Title: 3.5/5

In terms of length is good. I can see that it relates to the story and theme as well. I personally don’t think that it’s very attractive although it is unique somehow. Even if it’s part of a dialogue from the fanfic it doesn’t need the quotation marks in there.

Foreword + Description: 5/10

For the description, well, having only a question is kind of too plain/simple. Since the one-shot is short, there is also not much you can put in the description. However, I would love it if it had more details.

Something like:

“The smell of tender meat that mama Key had cooked, awakens the fatigue of a chubby and greedy rabbit which will have to step over a strong and selfish puppy that wants to eat it too.

Which one will get to eat the meat?

Well, mama Key won’t be that happy if the meat disappears…” this is just an example.

If you had developed the plot a lot more, you could have written a better description. The question is quite intriguing, as we all know that rabbits are vegetarian and do not eat meat, so it made me curious about how a bunny could be hungry for some meat. However, as I’ve said it, I think it could have been better.

The foreword is fine. You say, more or less, why you wrote the story in that way (comical way) and credited well. 

Style + Design: 3.5/5

The font size and color are good; it doesn’t hurt readers’ eyes. You have no poster so I’ll have to take some points as I can’t judge it; the background relates to the theme as it has these pastel colors and cute vibe, which what the story transmits. The style is not very descriptive that’s why I think the story isn’t that developed either. However it transmits some comical vibes here and there, making it related to the theme. I can assure you that it made me chuckle when I read it.

Plot: 16/30

Well, personally I think the idea is pretty good and funny. The whole idea of Jinki and Jonghyun dressing up as a rabbit and a puppy respectively is comical. If you had gone through the idea and developed it more it could have turned out as a more comical and funnier one-shot as well as longer. You could have added more details, like for example, Key being the one who had cooked the meat as I’ve mentioned in the foreword and description section; you could have joined Minho to the one-shot or emphasize Key’s reaction; you could have made them spread all the meat on the floor while fighting to get it which could result in a big mess … these are just some ideas.

At first I thought that they were really animals that was when I found out that they were just dressing like ones, in the end. The twist was great.

Characterization: 5/15

Once again, the development is implied. You didn’t go through the characters personalities much. The only thing we (the readers) know is that they weren’t animals and were just fighting to get the meat, period. If you let readers know more about the characters it would have been way more interesting to read it and if you had added comical characteristics to them it would have turned out better as well. Nonetheless, from what I read, I understood that their personalities did relate to the plot and theme. Dressing up as animals and pretending to be them, showed that they had 4D personalities and that made them believable.

Grammar + Spelling: 20/20

I actually didn’t find any spelling mistakes as well as grammar mistakes. So good job!

Flow: 6/10

The flow was maybe a little fast, as you didn’t write much, so I read it pretty fast. Although it was fast to read the duration of the situation was not that fast so I gave you some points for that.

Overall Enjoyment: 3.5/5

Speaking the truth, this story had me chuckle over it. I didn’t find it too comical, I found it cute instead. It was perfect for a study break (for me).

Overall Score: 62.5/100

a/n: Don’t be disheartened by the result. I think the problem was the development and length of the story. If you had just developed it more I’m sure you would have had a higher result.

I hope my review was useful and that you liked it. I tried my best in advising you in the best way I can, with all my knowledge of English. If you did like my review, I hope you can request again in the future. I would be more than glad to review one of your works again. Thank you for requesting at our shop and keep up with spreading the love towards our k-pop idols through writing! Please don’t forget to read the reminder. Fighting!
 

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