Pick Up

Peek Inside

Author: lissamary

Reviewer: DobuOnew

Title: 3/5

In terms of length it’s good. I don’t think it’s very unique though. I haven’t seen the full relation between the title and the plot. Maybe it is “peek inside” Hae Ra’s feelings or life? Perhaps it’s because Kyungsoo is trying/will try to peek inside Hae Ra’s personality and find the warm Hae Ra. 

Foreword + Description: 6/10

You start it well, with those initial words that describe Hae Ra and then that text which looks like a poem (because is in center and its structure). As soon as I finish reading the next paragraph I know too much about the story already. The last paragraph reveals too much about the plot, is something that shouldn’t happen. In my opinion you should take out the last paragraph and leave the description with the other text, because not only does it makes more inviting and arouses curiosity to know more but it also doesn’t reveal much about the story. There are some things I want to point out about the mechanics, but I’ll point them out in the Grammar + Spelling section instead.

Relatively to the foreword I always defend that it shouldn’t have any plotline/character related information. The foreword it’s “a preliminary statement in a book by the book's author or editor, setting forth its purpose and scope, expressing acknowledgment of assistance from others, etc.” in other words, the foreword is used by the author to explain why he/she decided to write about that story or what inspired him/her to write about such… So, with this said, I think that information about the characters shouldn’t be there. Or it could be in the description or either didn’t exist as the story becomes more interesting if the author makes known the characters’ background and personality through his/her writing, instead of giving it all away in the description.

Style + Design: 3/5

I personally like stories which are written with long or medium paragraphs more than stories which have a small phrase as a paragraph. But maybe because your writing isn’t very descriptive it tends to have more dialog than the narrator’s words. In terms of size and color, the font is good, it doesn’t hurt the readers’ eyes and its size makes it readable. As you don’t have a huge vocabulary knowledge (because you’re not a native English speaker nor fluent) is understandable that your writing will be poor and consequently it won’t lure readers in as other authors stories do.
 

As you don’t have a poster neither a background I can’t judge them and so 1.5 points were lost.

Plot: 21/30

Well, the plot is not bad. From what I read and understood of the chapters that I reviewed, I think I’ve got the main idea. Hae Ra lost her friend because she committed suicide. She transfers school and so, starts a new life after the death of her friend. In the process, Kyungsoo, who is somehow related to Hae Ra’s past (as he was her best friend’s boyfriend), gets entangled in Hae Ra’s new life. Although I didn’t really get the beginning, I think I’ve got the idea.

I don’t dislike the idea of main character falling in love with her friend’s boyfriend, after her death. I think it’s interesting. It’s the case to say “The world is small.” as in the millions of people living on Earth, Hae Ra had to fall in love with that right guy.

However, there are some things I don’t understand/don’t make sense.
First is:

“He is a jerk,” Min Ah said firmly, ”He left me when he found out that I lost my parents,”
No one leaves their crush/boyfriend or girlfriend because he/she lost his/her parents. If the person really likes the other that’s not a reason for her to leave her crush.
 

Second is:

“I shouldn’t cheat on my boyfriend,” Min Ah inhaled deeply and sighed,” I should have listened to your words before making this stupid decision. But now … It’s already too late,” she stared into Hae Ra’s eyes, trying to find any emotions that she usually being comfortable with showing them to her, ”I told my boyfriend about it,”
“When?” Hae Ra asked slowly, it almost sounded like she’s whispering
“Last night. He forgave me,” Min Ah was drowned in her own emotions, she tried to fight her tears and continued, “He’s a really nice person, I must be stupid for cheating on him,” She put her palms on her face and wiped her tears, ”Although he already accepted my apology, I still feel guilty. I will never forgive myself for doing this to him.”
 

If Min Ah really loved her boyfriend, she wouldn’t have cheated on him in first place and so she wouldn’t feel so guilty for doing so. I kind of got confused in this part, because Min Ah first speaks about someone who left her because she lost her parents (with that I assume that it was her boyfriend) and then she’s already saying that she told about her cheating on her boyfriend to him. I don’t get whose she’s talking about. Did she cheat on her boyfriend with that someone who left her because of her parents’ loss? It’s confusing.

Apart from that there’s only one more thing I have to say. I know that the story is on-going and so, the plot isn’t developed well enough for the readers to understand each character’s role in the fanfic at this point. I'll take that in count.

Characterization: 13/15

I think you did well on the characterization. I’ve caught some characteristics about the personages such as Hae Ra being cold and arrogant towards people only to protect herself from the world; also she become like that after Min Ah’s death and that’s understandable; Kyungsoo is this rich guy that doesn’t like his life being part of a rich family and so, tries his best to fit in the ordinary school; he’s friendly but can be rude sometimes? The characters’ personality hasn’t been shown totally yet, so I can’t take any more conclusions.

Grammar + Spelling: 11/20

Firstly something very common with those who aren’t native English speakers and fluent at it, is the confusion with verb tenses. I noticed it right in the description where you use the present and past incorrectly.

Here’s an example:

When the feelings started to develop in both of them,Hae Ra tried to hide her feelings,merely because she’s afraid of the future.Kyungsoo who noticed Hae Ra’s feeling for him attempted to various of things just to show that their feelings are mutual.

Correction:

When both of them started to develop feelings for each other, Hae Ra tried to hide hers, merely because she was afraid of the future. Kyungsoo, who noticed Hae Ra’s feelings for him, attempted to try out various things just to show that their feelings were mutual.

Secondly, you use abbreviations in the foreword. Abbreviations make the writing unprofessional and amateur. It also makes it hard for the reader to read, because there might be some abbreviations the reader doesn’t understand.

Thirdly, you don’t have spaces after dots, commas and quotation marks. It can be seen in the example given above. There should be always a space after all the punctuation marks and not before. After quotation marks is always lower case also.

The phrase construction is not the best too. Here’s a little example I randomly picked up:

Hae Ra’s lips curved an awkward and obviously-forced smile and before she attempted to pass the door when her hand was being held by Kyungsoo.

Correction:

Hae Ra’s lips curved into an awkward and obviously forced smile and when she attempted to pass the door, her hand was held by Kyungsoo.

There are some misspelled mistakes here and thee but with a revision before posting the chapter up, will help.

Flow: 9/10

I think the flow is at a good pace. I didn’t give a ten because I think the period when Kyungsoo first spoke with Hae Ra happened just too fast. I think them becoming “friends” happened a bit fast. 

Overall Enjoyment: 3.5/5

Well, I did enjoy this story. Not speaking about the grammar and writing style as well as mechanics, which weren’t very good, I think it’s not bad. You just need some improvement there.

I gave you that half point because the story stares EXO Kyungsoo, my lovely bias wrecker, who I love so much.

Overall Score: 69.5/100

a/n: Do be sad by the result. You just need some improvement regarding the grammar and mechanics. You can do it! I hope my review was useful and that you liked it. I tried my best in advising you in the best way I can, with all my knowledge of English. If you did like my review, I hope you can request again in the future. I would be more than glad to review one of your works again. Thank you for requesting at our shop and keep up with spreading the love towards our k-pop idols through writing! Please don’t forget to read the reminder. Fighting!

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