Pick Up

Baby Don't Cry

Author: KaisooLoveAi

Reviewer: BFInspirit20

Title: 5/5

Number one: this is my FAVORITE EXO SONG! Back to grading, the title fit perfectly with the theme of the story, something that can be very hard to do for most stories, so well done there. Also, this title is very short, very easy to remember, and straight to the point. Well done!

Foreword + Description: 9.5/10

You did  a very good job with the foreword! I instantly became curious as to how the main character's love (Luhan) died, and how a simple argument caused his death. It doesn't reveal too much, and I like how you add the angst with your word choice, it truly shows how the main character is mourning the loss of her love. I  took off half a point, because the last two sentences don't need exclamation points, adding regular periods actually add more effect to the opening of the story.

Style + Design: 4/5

The font size is good, but I took off a point for the font color. It is so bright, and despite light blue being my favorite color, it is very hard to make out the words when used. Choosing a dark color will make it much easier to read, and much more fun to read for the reader. Other than that, the poster was perfect, the colors suiting the sadness of the story.

Plot: 24/30

I love how tragic this story was: how a simple argument can cause a death, the unbearable guilt and the grief that follows shortly after. I took off points because I think that Alicia shouldn't have accepted Luhan's death so easily when she thought of the song, it felt a bit rushed. And, honestly, I wanted to read more, the story felt way to short. I wanted to learn more about the characters: maybe a quick flashback as to how they met, cute moments together, maybe the doctors handing her something that Luhan wanted to give her before he died in the hospital. I wanted to cherish the characters, I wanted them to have a relationship that would stay with me even after I read the story. In short, I love the sad theme of this story, but I wanted to see more of the characters.

Characterization: 10/15

Like what I wrote in the Plot section, I wanted to see more of the characters themselves, I wanted to learn more about them individually. The reader has no idea how long they've been together, or what their relationship was really like since he was a business man and she was a housewife. Like before, a flashback would have added more effect and a sense of identity in the two characters. I liked Luhan, the caring boyfriend, and Alicia had the natural reaction when you loose someone close, but I wanted to know more.

Grammar + Spelling: 18/20

A few capitalization mistakes here and there, nothing too major. Also, a quick note, make sure to put lyrics of a song in italics. Sometimes it gets confusing to some readers when songs are placed into the writing, because they think another character is speaking. Putting the lyrics in italics helps the reader distinguish between the narrator's thoughts, and a song. Other than that, well done.

Flow: 6/10

This story felt a bit rushed, I think that the story began and ended way too quick. Take some time to add some detail. Some writers are afraid to add detail because they don't think it's important, but when used correctly it the reader into the story. The sound of the rain, the pounding of her heart, 'the new whole formed in her chest that could only be dubbed as loneliness'. It may sound corny, but with a bit of detail, the story would have progressed much smoother and added a bit of magic to your words.

Overall Enjoyment: 3/5

It was  pretty good story, with a bit of work, it could be even better. Well done.

Overall Score: 79.5/100

A/N: Don't worry my dear, your story has a lot of potential, it just needs a bit of work! Take some time to add some detail, don't be afraid to add a flashback or two because it truly makes the story memorable, and don't be afraid of italics! Little things make a big difference in the writing world, don't be afraid to take a risk and jump in. Who knows, maybe you're next story will be the next featured stories on AFF! Just practice, work hard, and pour your heart out into your writing, that's all there is to it :)

Thank you so much for requesting sweetie, I'm sorry that we just got to your review. I hope that I was able to be of help to you and your writing, I was very happy to be able to read your work. Work hard, and hopefully we'll see you here again real soon. Take care sweetie, thanks again! <3

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