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The Happy Committee

Author: onigirisama

Reviewer: DobuOnew

Title: 3/5

Firstly the title relates to the story as it’s the name of the student council of the school Krystal transfers to. However it doesn’t really give the vibe of horror and angst the story gives. For me it isn’t also very attention grabbing but I haven’t seen any title like this is AFF so … In terms of length it is good.

Oh, I almost forgot. You use symbols in the title. That is something that people should never do. It makes it unprofessional as well as a little immature. If I were you I would put it “幸せ委員会 - The Happy Committee”, though I would only out it in English.

Foreword + Description: 6/10

The description doesn’t really make me want to find out more. Well, I have the curiosity but it’s not strong enough for me to want to click the next button. When I read the description I quickly asked myself “How do they grant people’s wishes?” but other than that I have no questions that fill my curiosity to the point I want to read the story because I’m too curious about it.

It was a good idea to put that excerpt (question) right in the beginning. It doesn’t reveal too much about the story and also I don’t think it transmits this angst and horror vibe the story has, which I think it should.

In the foreword you could write on why you decided to write with this theme and those kinds of stuffs. You could also put a small excerpt of the story to make readers more interested in reading it.

Style + Design: 3.5/5

You have a layout, which makes the story prettier. The layout is not that complex; it’s simple and sweet, so it won’t make you lose points. The font color and size are good. The poster is kind of … odd. I don’t get to where the pink refers too. I mean, it’s not a dark color so it should refer to the “happy” committee, but, as I’ve said it in the title, I don’t see the angst as well as horror theme on the poster though I can see it in the second poster, which kind of seems as if you are starting a new “episode” with the Chapter One, again; the background has the same arguments (as the first poster).

Concerning the writing style I must say that I liked it and it lures readers in. I can clearly see that English is your first language as you use more “complex” words (that for me – a non-native English speaker – doesn’t know the definition) however, there are some points I need to highlight, but it won’t be in this section, it will be in the grammar section. I’ve also noticed the use of idioms, (ex: to wear her heart on her sleeve) which I’ve learned this year at school.
 

Plot: 25/30

What can I say about the plot? Well, it’s quite intriguing. I actually found it interesting as I’ve never had read anything like this – a student council having major power over the school and mysteriously launching a decrease of students by granting their wishes so they can be happy. It really got me taken aback the part where that horror scene entered. I really wasn’t expecting it.

So the student council was formed by five mentally insane female students, who wanted to make their classmates, as well as other staff of the school happy by granting them wishes, in the worst of the worst ways (supposedly making them suffer in any way possible) – hence the decrease on students.

The plot is creative and not cliché. There aren’t parts hat don’t make sense as you had two more chapters to explain the reason behind Taemin being the driver who killed Jessica. The story is on-going and so I suppose that there are more things to find out about the plot in the future and so I can’t really tell how well developed it is. However, I got the main idea (I mean, I got the purpose of the student council in the story).

Characterization: 13/15

You did really well on characterizing Krystal. The main character portrays the famous “arrogant though soft heart” image of f(x) Krystal. The other characters are also believable. I think you should have developed Luna, Victoria and Amber’s personality as well as a little more of Jonghyun. However their personalities relate to the plotline and theme.

Grammar + Spelling: 13/20

I just caught some spelling mistakes as I didn’t go through all the chapters looking for them. Those I found were “oversees” which you meant by “overseas”; “behaviour” which has no u; “cliched” is “clichéd” instead; there’s no word as “unamused” if you look up in a dictionary, you won’t find that word; “crossdresseder” is “cross-dresser”;  as well as some grammar mistakes.

As I’ve mentioned in the Style + Design section, I’ll point out some mistakes you made. Firstly, you don’t use the verb To Be correctly. You use “were” a lot when it should be “was” instead. I’ll just tell you some incorrect usage of the verb in some chapters.

Chapter one – “At least if she were in the States, she wouldn’t be forced to stay (…) with a response to her confession.”
Chapter three – “This caused the rest of the committee to chuckle off her statement as if it were typical ‘Luna’ behavior.”

I can take this phrase to speak about its structure (nothing too much important thought). It should be “This caused the rest of the committee to chuckle off her statement, as if it was a typical Luna behavior.” 

Chapter one (the second) – “She joked, handing her son a small carton of milk as if she were a bartender and her son was some overworked man.”
Chapter two (second one) – “Turning towards his friend, he promptly glared at him (…) would’ve been more menacing if he were actually tougher-looking than the latter.”

You use also upper case after a character speaks, or after the dialogue, which you shouldn’t. After a dialogue we don’t use upper case.

One last remark. You wrote. “Well, if she knew, then she wouldn’t be have been wishing for it right?” where it should be “Well, if she knew, then she wouldn’t have wished for it right?” and “Before Taemin could even (…), he felt a cold hand reach for his shoulder and suddenly he felt a painful jab on his forearm.” instead of “Before Taemin could even (…), he felt a cold hand reaching for his shoulder and suddenly he felt a painful jab on his forearm.”

I just felt like I should point these out.

Flow: 7/10

It was taking a good pace until it reached the fourth chapter I think it was too fast how you made them grant Krystal’s whish without going with much detail on how they did it. It seemed as if it had happened in a snap. The rest was fine.

Overall Enjoyment: 3.5/5

I did enjoy reading this story as well as reviewing it. As I’ve said it, I found the plot original and so I enjoyed it. I haven’t really got why the psychological tag, unless it refers to the “mentally insane” girls. Taking that I think it had potential if you just improve in some aspects.

Overall Score: 74/100

a/n: Let me just apologize you for the long wait. Is that life outside AFF has been quite busy for my side, so I apologize you for the wait.
I hope my review was useful and that you liked it. I tried my best in advising you in the best way I could, with all my knowledge of English. If you did like my review, I hope you can request again in the future. I would be more than glad to review one of your works again. Thank you for requesting at our shop and keep up with spreading the love towards our k-pop idols through writing! Please don’t forget to read the reminder. Fighting!

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