The year is almost ended just in matters of hours. Thinking back of what has happened, and what that she's been doing, and of course, what ahead that she has pictured to do.. it's been a lot. Deciding to take more study that has cost her to let go some others, she really has made her mind to find a goal in her life, a solid one.

It takes almost all of her time cause she wants to do it well. Getting involved more in what his father does to learn better she nearly forgets what day or what time. She merely follows what all of her friends' doin. Finding a hard time to even come to their concerts or fan meetings. She just sees their update from social media and chats once in a while. But she thinks that it is needed.  It is the step she needs to take. 

Well, but it's holiday time now. She's been talking to almost everyone, except for one. It's him. They have never been in touch with each other since that night. She could not even come to his sister's wedding cause she has something that she could not postpone or reschedule. She visited her personally later on though, but it means that she didn't meet him. No call no text. But again,  She really means with what she said, she wants to be better. She'd work hard to be better.

She should check his schedule now.. Maybe she can come to pay a visit if they have a schedule.  She's schrolling down her emails when-

SM has confirmed that Changmin has been dating a non celebrity who is younger than him..

She feels blank at first,  but her hand is gradually shaking and so is the phone in her hand. Her eyes tracing the words, the sentences, then it drops from her hand. Blinking her eyes, she stares again to the display on her phone.

Confirmed.  She never knows how hard can that word impact her! How scary that single word can be! When it's confirmed, it's acknowledged,  none can deny the truth. It means that he has found the one for him, the one who is better.. who he deserves to have and it's not her. Of course..

Has it been that long since the last time they separated? The chances of him meeting someone new are absoultely possible,  and when she talks about meeting someone,  it's not just a mere person. He is not a mere man either,  she knows it really well. Who wouldn't fall for him? Maybe only idiots who will pass on him,  and she thinks that she is one of them. 

And why does it suddenly feel really suffocating here? 

"Ann? Is everything okay?" A sound from the door takes her back from her shock and she blinks again, realizing the drops falling from her eyes.

"I remember that I need to buy something.. I'll be right back." She said after wiping her face fast.

Taking her coat, her wallet and car keys.

"Don't forget your phone! Be back before dinner."

She snatches the phone from the bed fast and gives a slight hug to her mom and walks out fast. Once she's on the road though, she loses her track. Honestly she just drives and drives without any destination and she cannot even remember where she is exactly anymore. Her eyesight get blurry more and more until she decides to pull over and stop. Reaching her own face she realizes how wet it is now. It's just a hiccup first, but then it turns to be sobs and she just literally cries hard there...

Why is it really painful?

Why does it hurt so much like this when she really often doubts about her own feeling, her own heart?

Has she belittled her own feeling?

She has let him go.. She ended it.. She has a reason,  she just wanted them to be together once they are ready,  once she's ready cause he laways told her that he was ready to even take the risk,  unlike her.. 

How cocky she was to think that he'd continue on waiting for her.. 

She deserves it really well, she's just too coward..

She should have known, his sister gave her the hint when she visited her before how the older told her that he wanted to also build a family. Again, she just thinks about herself. Thinking that everything is what best for him, but maybe.. it's what fit for her. She's been so selfish. Why would he wait for someone like her when he could get someone who can support and appreciate him more that she does..

Does he feel hurt like this too? Was it this painful for him when she just made that one sided decision for them? 

Time flies but it seems to be stopped for her, eventually the cries turn softer and when it's just that nonstop tears with no sobs, she turns to see where she is right now. Well, it's still blurry and she hates it when her tears are just not knowing when to stop. She wipes it carelessly and try to focus.

She cannot go home like this. She needs to sort out her feelings and calm down. It's her decision anyway, so she needs to be prepared for something like this. A possibility that never crossed her mind, how foolish.. then the pendant on her necklace feels really heavy, the ring.. just then her tears get fatter again.  She holds it in her arm tightly and slowly, with her shaky hands, she removes the necklace.

It has to be returned, right? 

She's not the right owner.. not anymore.. and she starts chocking again..

So this is how it feels.. the way your heart is slowly breaking..

All their beautiful and sweet memories are flashing in her mind. Even all of their fights seem to be funny and foolish to remember. The way how he always gave her his best he could do.  He always tries to understand her, accommodating all of her childish behavior, and the day when he popped that question and she just ran away.. God,  she is the worst! 

Was it all that she wants? That he's happy and not being burdened? Freely loving someone.. 

He deserves to love just like everyone in this world! Aside from the fact she just realized earlier that he's someone she loves dearly more than she thought, he's her best friend! That is what that always concerns her, right? Regardless, he'll always be her best friend. It's stupid if she thinks that everything will be the same like it used to be, it will never be since the day he confessed, but he'll aways be the one special in her heart, in her life. Someone who has taught her about love.. 

Oh my God.. he's her first true love..

And she covers again cause she just feels like getting blind and numb with all of the punches, stabs, and attacks in her heart.. 

It's over. She has just found her first true love when It has truly ended. How tragic! 

Blindly she turns on the radio, random one, and she lays herself back. She feels really worn out. So exhausted and her head feels really hurt. She's been crying for hours she cannot remember the time and now she just closes her eyes. The radio plays series of love songs and her heart feels so heavy. 

"That's okay.. it's okay.. come on.. that's okay.." she chanted this line like a mantra.

She remembers all the words he told her. All little details to even how he always caresses her hair lightly and being touchy and silly. They have beautiful memories. So with songs being played as her background, she rewinds again all of them until it lulls her into sleep.. That's the plan,  it is ruined when the next song played is NCT's No Longer. Yes,  he no longer needs her..  And it sends another punch  to her heart.  So she just turns it off and tries to close her eyes. 

She shouldn't have felt betrayed. He's been really fair with her.  If she should feel bad is that because it has trully ended and she reminds herself that it's okay.  It's okay to feel sad,  she'll accept it all even if she has to pass it through tears and cries.  She has to accept it. She's shocked herself of how bad her own reaction about it.  But after even years they have spent and shared together to the point of where they are right now and what he's engraved in her life,  It really makes sense. She won't lose him completely,  but she'll have to let go a huge best part of him in her life.. Their relationship is troublesome even from the start thanked to her mostly and she needs to acknowledge that too. He,  just like everyone else and she herself,  deserves to find happiness in his life. It's about time for him to do that. Guess lots of his fans understand it too.

"That's okay..  Everything will be okay. ." she tries to convince herself again and again but yet the tears are just rolling she just gives up wiping them over and over again. 

Knock.. knock!! Knock.. Knock.. Knock!!

The sounds disturb her. She's about to open her eyes but a pain strikes her head in instant and she groans, reaching her forehead. It hurts so much.. the knocks continue so she tries once again to open her eyes slowly. It's dark.. oh my God, what time is it? Her parents can be worrying her for not coming home yet.. when she checks the time displayed in front of her, it's almost nine. She has missed the dinner time!

Knock.. knock..!!

She turns to her side and she finds a man bending by her car window. She doesn't know who he is. 

"Are you okay? Is everything's okay?"

Reaching the door, she is about to open it when another man comes closer and talks to the man. Once he's done and lets the earlier man go, he turns to her. She knows him.

"Miss.. is everything okay?"

She opens her door and is led