The moment I heard this I froze. It seems like I still go in and out of depression in the modern day, much like during the ice age.

“Work is stressing you out. Max is being the that he is. He put you on the pedestal and it took a toll on you. We’re having issues at home too. It was Isabella, slightly rebelling and wriggling out of…” he paused and sighed, “MY protective hold. Her relationship with Ryu is a secret you and our daughters kept from me”

“Your trigger point was when I left you after having a huge fight with Isabella and a heated argument with you” I can feel the guilt in his voice. “I’m aware of your problems at work. You’re vocal in saying that you are tired and all you want is to take a break. Thing is…I was so busy preparing for our comeback that I kind of brushed you off, thinking that you can get through it just like the many times you did in the past”

“You drowned yourself in alcohol. You don’t eat. You don’t talk. You don’t react. You cooped yourself up in our bedroom where no one can get in, not even our children. It was a very dark moment, that I decided to keep from you after having an amnesia…afraid that telling you about it will bring you back to the dark again. And now…with all that’s happening…my fear is coming back” he is tearing up, “I’m scared…so…so…scared…that you may lose it again”

This revelation is a hard one to take, surprisingly, I don’t feel shaken. I don’t know, but something inside of me is giving me a push to fight a good fight, and not succumb to any negatives. All I want are people to lean on to, that are stable enough to back me up when needed, and I already have these people, my husband in the forefront.

“Babe…don’t worry about me” I filled my lungs as much air as it can take and let out air together with negativity, “Just promise that you will stay with me no matter what, and that you have my back, and I’ll be just fine. Love me and support me all the way. I will draw strength in you. It may be draining, but please, bear with me in this” All I want right now is to hold him. I want to feel his warmth and be comforted by it. “And if things go left…whisk me away to any place you want for me to re-think and re-group…then once I’m good to function again…I’ll go back to battle…refreshed and renewed”

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Modern Day Clara talking and not Ice age Clara. If this happened ages ago, I’ll most definitely be in my room, in my parents’ house, hiding, and being miserable. I most probably have shut the world off and lived in my head until it becomes too stuffy and unbearable.

“I will fight” there’s a tone in my voice that is new to my ears. I’ve never heard myself this confident and stern. “Max may have the upper hand now…but I will end this with me…back on my throne”

Jiyong finally smiled, “Like the Queen that you are, babe”. This man is truly the glue that holds me together.

I’d be a hypocrite if I tell you that I don’t have even a tinge of fear and nerve in my system, for I do have them, it’s just that, after being in a life and death situation and losing my memory, I realized that I need to be a much better person than I was before. I may not know who I was before the amnesia and after the year twenty-eleven, but I’m sure that girl is also a fighter, she just doesn’t let the fighter in her go full-on. I’m the girl who always push herself to the limit, and this time, I’m going to push it some more. There’s no backing out in this fight.

The whole afternoon, I was busy making phone calls and studying. Little by little, I’m getting the hang of it. I also came clean to my people that I have amnesia. It was an emotional moment for the whole team, but there’s no right time to break the news than now. I assured them that they are still in good hands, it’s just that I have a glitch. A glitch that is equally and most certainly great.

“You have to look at this” Railey is once again in my office with her tablet in hand. I’m starting to get traumatized by her and her tablet to be honest, because every time they show up, bad news is being announced.

CLARA KWON SHINING NO MORE.

“Great headline!” I leaned back to my chair and swayed it from left to right, while watching Railey read silently with her eyebrow raised and lips twitching.

“Clara Kwon, the print genius, seems to have lost her magic after decades of being on top. Always the star in every fashion and social events, this well-respected super human is in hot waters for allegedly neglecting her job, resulting the fall of YG Runway Magazine”

“….with younger and fresher editors rising to fame, THEE G-dragon’s wife is slowly losing her shine. Can YGR still rise up from the ashes? We wonder what Clara Kwon is going to pull out this time. Is she going to stick with her traditional chic and classy editions or is she going to raise the bar higher by inventing another unique way of capturing the masses, or is she just going to let her star dim?”

There’s so much said about me in this specific article, but Railey chose to not read them anymore.

“It’s not even a day since our announcement and the media are coming up with these baseless stories to obviously just ride the boat” she is pacing in front of me, and watching her is such a trip because it’s making me cross-eyed. “I wouldn’t be surprised if this is Max’s and his team’s strategy. I have a strong feeling that he is going to do everything just to make YGR fall” she stopped walking then turned to me, “Well him!” she exclaimed and leaned forward, “WE NEVER FALL…HECK! WE DON’T EVEN STUMBLE!” she shouted.

“They are attacking you because they know you’re the solid wall shielding this brand, that once they break you…” she started walking back and forth again, “That is…” then she stopped again, “If they can ever break you” and start walking, “If they succeed…it will be easier for them to take down the brand”

“What they didn’t know is that there are three of us…solid walls…to break before they can get to the brand” I stood in front of her and placed my hands on her shoulders, “Relax, sis” I squeezed them, “We got this!”

With eyes intently fixed on me, “Aren’t you bothered by this? Your reputation is on the line here. They are going to tarnish the name you’ve been taking care of since forever”

“Of course I am bothered” I go back to my chair and elegantly crossed my legs, “Why won’t I? But I realized that if I dwell in this…I’ll just occupy myself by something less important” I smiled, “If you haven’t noticed…It seems like they know what we’re going to do. These early jabs are their way to make us lose focus, for they know that without their distractions and disturbances, YGR is going to be one heck of a bomb that will surely hit them big time. I can strongly smell Maximo’s hunger to get on top, and his desperation to make us fall. What we have to do now is ignore those articles and concentrate on the job”

I keep on surprising myself today with this high self-esteem and unshaken positivity. Wherever this strength and braveness is coming from, I don’t know, but what I’m sure of is that I will prove this people wrong. The star of Clara will always shine, no matter the circumstances, and no matter how dirty they play the game.

Work ended with all of us in the office exhausted and stressed. Meetings never end. Phone calls too. I cannot count how many people I’ve talked with for half this day alone. The only light this dark day has is the fun that is waiting for me at home.

It may not be a good time for a campout, because the mums are knocked out even before sun down, but this is a promise I made to my children. I’m just so lucky that I have Cho hee arranging things for me, if not, we will have an empty backyard, not suitable for a campout at all.

Our backyard has now turned into a campsite with tents here and there. The grilling station is ready to be used. Coolers of drinks are out. I even had the pool filled with floating rubber duckies for the kids to catch – an activity that will surely take most of their time.

“Holy smokes!” Daryl and her children are the first ones to arrive, “This place is beautiful!”

I felt accomplished and proud. “Thanks sis!” we hugged, “It’s my vision made possible by Cho hee. She’s the one who called people and arranged everything”

“Aunt Clara!” Winter ran to me, arms wide out.

“Oh gosh!” I caught her, “You look so pretty with that big bow on your head” I tapped the bow then pinched her rosy cheek.

“Hug too!” Rain keeps tugging my day dress, “Hug Rain too!” growing impatient, her eyebrows met and she have her arms crossed on her chest. It made me and her Mum laugh.

“Come here” I carried her with all my might because she’s so heavy and brought her everywhere I go, until she wriggled out to be put down.

Chun Mei and Xyra (the maknaes’ wives), are present too. This is my first time meeting them in flesh ever since losing my memory.

“Aoki is a doll!” I cannot stop from kissing and hugging the four year old, who is surprisingly at ease with me. “It must feel so good to have a little one. I mean, one that’s under five”

The girls looked at me weirdly, “Sis…don’t tell me you’re having baby fever” Daryl snatched the little girl from me and cannot stop from hugging her as well. She’s just too chunky. “Your baby factory is closed and it will never ever open again”

“I know…but isn’t it good? I mean…I cannot remember my kids that small” a wave of sadness washed me out. There are times when all I want is to remember certain moments of my life, like my children’s births, all their firsts.

Railey and her children are the last to arrive. They came in late because Tabitha finished something for school first.

Complete, the activities started. The little kids, as I expected, are enjoying the rubber duckies in the pool. The big boys volunteered to grill, even when they just keep on fooling around, that Railey have to call them out after not noticing strips of meat burning.

“I got these from less” Railey placed the boxes of cupcakes and cakes on the long picnic table.

less is hers and her sister in-law’s café. They have the most delicious food.

“The boys’ performance will run an hour from now” Xyra said, while we’re setting the table.

“Isabella already got the projector and white screen out. DK is all good with the sounds as well” I checked on it one more time just to be sure, and was impressed by how my daughters were able to install it all by themselves. Instantly, our backyard became an outdoor cinema.

Fifteen minutes before Big Bang’s performance, we gathered in front of the huge screen, sitting on grass, blankets or bean bags. Food is being passed from one person to another. Bowls with different kinds of candies are roaming around too.

“Mum” Karielle called. She’s right beside me.

I pulled her to me, “Yep?”

“When can we watch Dad and the uncles live on stage again?” she asked.

Railey turned to where we are, “Soon!” she answered instead.

How I wish.

“Mum” Gabby called this time. She is behind me.

Looking back, “Yes?”

The look on her face clearly tells me that she is bothered and I think I know why. “I’m fine” I extended my hand to hold hers, “Don’t worry about me” I winked and it made her smile.

I am sure that my older children have seen the articles coming out about me, and I am also sure that they are worried. I feel bad for them because they have to witness the brewing battle that I’m going to partake in. If there are people that I wanted to protect the most, more than myself and my husband, it’s our nine wonderful children. As long as the media keeps them out of my mess, I’m fine with whatever they throw at me, but once they trip on even one of them, I will fight like the mama bear that I am.

“Light sticks!” the kids, Victoria (TOP’s daughter), Akira (Seungri’s daughter), Iseul (Daesung’s daughter, Sun (Youngbae’s daughter) and Miracle, keep on shouting while holding a bag full of light sticks, “Get your light sticks here! The show’s about to start!” they shouted in unison.

We cannot help but laugh. “Look at those little VIPs distributing light sticks” Chun Mei and I stared at them. 

The time has come, Big Bang is up and the watch party is on. Us, mothers, and children are hyped up. The backyard is turned into a concert venue. We are dancing and singing along. It is a big party.

“Dad is giving it his all, Mum” Danny went to me just to tell me this, looking worried.

I gave him a side hug, “He is in a very good condition. He won’t break a bone” I assured him, but deep inside I’m praying really hard to the Man Above to keep him and s safe from any accidents on stage.

Big Bang is Big Bang. The stage is a big playing field for them. All they do is have fun on it, while making sure that they’re giving the best performance their VIPs can ever get. Given their ages, it’s a little worrisome that they are running around, jumping and Youngbae even doing stunts.

“I’m getting stressed seeing Seunghyun dance like that” Railey came next with a light stick in one hand and a glass of mojito on the other. “He is not for dancing anymore”

I laughed, “He’s doing well, sis” I rubbed her back, “At least he’s not jumping like crazy and tumbling”. We looked at Daryl to see if she’s as worried, while watching everything that her husband is doing on stage, but there’s not a bit worry on her face.

Railey chuckled, “I bet you sis….once the boys come home…they will be complaining about aches here and there” she took a sip of her drink and sighed, “Prepare your hands for some intense massaging” she elbowed me and went back to her kids.

As spilled by Jiyong, they performed more than two songs. They had FIVE, making my VIP heart really happy. The new flavor of Haru Haru and Lies are now my favorites. I don’t know, they made these songs sound like a new one. If only I can watch them live, the fan girl in me is going to be so happy.

You see, even when I know Big Bang beyond their music and performances, I still see them as the superstars that they are. Sometimes, I even catch myself staring at the five of them in awe, still in disbelief that one of them is my husband, and the rest are like family to me.

As the night deepened, we’re slowing down. The hype brought by Big Bang’s performance, faded. The little ones were so tired, they aren’t able to make and eat S’mores, that they’ve been looking forward to. My young twins even tried to stay up, only to give up af