JIYONG

A week has passed and I can say that we are getting our groove back, one day at a time. Yes, Clara is still battling depression, but she’s getting better, and even though she has episodes wherein it looks and feels worst, according to her doctor, there is nothing to worry about because it’s all part of the process.

“I can bathe myself, baby girl” she told DK who is assigned to help her Mum every bath time.

And yes, she’s finally talking. Unlike before, where she’ll only say a word or two, now, she talks in sentences and can keep up conversations too. The wit and the humor may not be there yet, but the mere fact that she is slowly becoming vocal again is a big win already.

“Dad” Gabby called and joined me on the love couch. “Yeah?” I pulled her close to me and wrapped my arms around her shoulders. “I’ll be the one going with Mum to therapy later. You stay here and rest” she said, her eyes, concerned.

My daughter, always so thoughtful. “I’m all good, baby girl” I assured her. She shakes her head, “No Dad. You just stay here” she turned to me fully, “Have you seen yourself in the mirror lately?” she asks, I chuckled. “You look so haggard!” she exclaimed.

She stared at me for a good minute, took a deep breath and placed her hand on my shoulder. “Dad, don’t get me wrong, alright? You are still the handsome Kwon Jiyong, but you seriously look beat these past few days. I get it, you’ve got a lot in your hands right now, but you shouldn’t forget yourself”

“Yaaa” I looked at her in awe. “You sound just like your Mum all of a sudden. It’s getting so freaky”.

I’m telling you, my daughters are sounding like their mother as they age, that sometimes I cannot even tell if I’m talking with my wife or one of my kids already. They all have the same tone. They use the same words. Their approach when talking is spotless too.

Gabby rolled her eyes at me. “Don’t change the topic, Dad!” she crossed her arms on her chest, “I swear, Dad! I can handle Mum by myself. DK will go to the clinic after her class anyway, so there’ll be two of us with her” she reached for my hand and sandwiched it between hers, “You need to take care of yourself more now, Dad, for Mum” she smiled, “And for us too. We cannot bear seeing you sick too. If you fall weak, things are going to be more complicated. I don’t know what I’m going to do then”

This a plea from a very concerned child to her father. She’s right. This is not the right time for me to stretch myself thin. I should give myself a break too. Juggling work and Clara, and the kids, I must admit, there are days when all I want is to step on the break and stop for a while, rest, reset and refresh, but if you’re in my place you’ll know so well how hard to do all these.

“Gabby will go with you to Dr. Cho’s today instead of me, babe” I told Clara while scanning her racks of clothes.

We are in her walk-in closet after her bath. I’m the one assigned to help her dress. This is fun for me, since I’ve always enjoyed playing as my wife’s stylist.

One drag of Clara’s condition is her lost of interest in almost everything. Unlike before, she’s not as enthusiastic in dressing up too. Her over a thousand shoes can’t lift her mood up anymore. Sometimes I’ll bring her in here and we’ll just hangout, hoping in one way or another, she can find even a bit of happiness, for seeing her most beloved clothes, shoes, bags and jewelries has been a bliss and an ultimate mood booster to her in the past. You see, her depression got a lot from her, and it’s what’s saddening.

“DK will be with you guys too, after her class”. As per her doctor, she advised us to talk to Clara like we normally do. We do need to choose our words for she gets triggered easily and she’s sensitive to certain topics. Other than that, we do things normal around her.

“The girls are excited to have you all for themselves, babe, so prepare for non-stop talking in the car”. Sometimes I feel like I’m doing a monologue. Like, I’m talking with myself even when she’s with me. Most of the time, she’s just staring at me, as if trying to convey something. If before, I can read her emotions through her eyes easily, it’s a different story now. I’ll be a hypocrite if I tell you that I’m all good with this because I’m truly not. If only I can bring back time, I’ll definitely catch my wife before she falls. I’m not going to let this happen to her.

As I lay the clothes that I chose for her on the round couch, I noticed that Clara is staring at herself in the big mirror.

“My skin is so dry” she speaks out all of a sudden. “My hair too” she brushed it with her fingers then sighed heavily, “My beauty faded” she closed her eyes and turned away from the mirror, “It’s lost”

Another drag of her condition is her insecurities are coming out one after another. Her self-esteem is too low, that sometimes no matter how we uplift her by telling her she’s doing fine, she won’t believe it at all.

“Babe” I crouched in front of her, holding her arms “You’re so beautiful” I tucked her hair behind her ears, “You may have lost a lot of weight, but it didn’t lessen your beauty” I caressed her cheek, and she closed her eyes as if savoring it.

“I will not get mad at you if you want to replace me for someone younger and prettier”. Here she is again, talking as if she wants to give me away.

I will not forget that day. It was before we sleep. I just tucked her in bed when she grabbed me by the wrist and made me sit beside her. I thought she was just going to say good night, but instead she told me something that I will never ever consider.

“Leave me now Jiyong” her voice is airy and weak, but I heard her clearly. “Leave me while you still can” she followed.

At this point, I’m pretending to not hear it.

“I want you to get away from me not because I don’t want you anymore, but because I want you to save yourself from me” she sat up. We are now face to face. Her eyes are tired, mine surely is too. She put her hand on my thigh, “I want you to live the rest of your life happily. I don’t want you here with me because I cannot promise you that I can still pull out from this. Yes, Dr. Cho would always tell me that I’m gonna go back to normal in time, and that gives me hope, but deep inside me I know there’s a huge possibility that I may not go back to who I used to be, and you don’t deserve the new me, Jiyong” she leaned forward, closing our gap, “You don’t deserve to be in hell with me”

If you can only feel what I’m feeling during that time. I am breaking. No. SHE’S breaking me. As much as I want to keep my cool, I flared up. I’m not supposed to, but I did, all because I feel bad for myself.

“Babe, you’re talking crap. If I were you, scratch it off your mind because it won’t happen” I told her and was about to stand up when she tugged me back down. “Seriously…I’m not in the mood for this”

“Just think about it” she is really pushing me to the edge.

I shove her hand away and stand up. As I was near the door, I walked back to her, fully decided to voice myself out. I need to do this. I need to tell her what I’m feeling, what’s inside my head, and what she’s making me feel. She needs real talk, and I’m going to give it to her this one time, and I don’t care if it’s not advisable because my sanity is on the line here as well.

“Look, if you think that you can drive me away with those words, with that act…” I leaned forward to her, “You’re wrong!” I exclaimed. “We’ve b