JIYONG

Have you ever felt so happy but so sad at the same time? It’s like, the universe is really playing on you.

My wife is back. She’s awake. Drag is, she doesn’t know I’m her husband, and what hurts the most is, she doesn’t know about our kids, AT ALL.

Clara’s Amnesia is somewhat expected. Dr. Baek, her Neurologist, told me about the possibility a few weeks ago. The ever positive me held on to that thin thread of hope that things will go our way and she’ll wake up with her memories intact, just for it to turn the other way.

But you know what? I really believe this happened for a reason. Clara’s memories washed out at the same time where she’s losing herself and is nearly giving up on it. This reset is like giving her a new life. Yes, this is going to be our hardest challenge out of all the ones we’ve had, but this won’t make me stop loving her. This will not tire me out. If I have to spend every second with her to feed her memories, I will. This is where our hearts will surely be tested because they’re our only connection, for her mind is not in tune with mine at all.

It is another day and my wife has been asleep the whole morning. Our kids, upon knowing that their Mum already gained consciousness, are all here to see her. And while waiting for her to wake up, I’ve decided to tell them about her condition.

I gathered them in the receiving area. “So…Mum is already out of danger” I started and the kids rejoiced. They clapped and hugged each other. They’ve been so worried. At one point, they are even preparing themselves for the worst. Good thing, the worst didn’t happen, because if it did, it’ll surely break me into pieces.

“Kids…I have something to tell you”, they straighten up. I composed myself and tried my best to look strong for them. I must admit, Clara’s condition brings me down once in a while, but I don’t dwell on it too much. “You all know that Mum hit her head quite severely” my voice is still stable for now, they are all ears listening to me, “Well…I told you about my talk with Dr. Baek a few weeks ago, right?” I asked and they nod almost at the same time, which I found really cute. “He said that there’s a huge possibility that Mum is going to wake with an amnesia caused by head trauma”

At this point, the older kids seem to have a clue on what I’m going to say next. Isabella is tearing up, same with DK and Karielle, while Danny stood up and walked to a corner and cried there with his back facing us. Gabby, who is with Clara during the crash, is showing no reaction. I see sorrow in her eyes, but there are no tears. My little girl is the most affected by all this. She blames herself for what happened, same goes with Isabella, but our firstborn is better in handling this matter than our second. Russelle and Gabrielle are keeping their cool and will most probably leash out their emotions in private. The little twins, however, are so innocent. They’re wondering why their siblings are being so emotional, Miracle even asked DK why they’re all crying when Mum is alive, and her big sister just told her that she’ll know the reason in a while.

“Mum has amnesia” my voice begins to break. My chest tightened. It seems like reality is finally kicking in, unlike last night where it feels okay. “Amnesia is when a person loses his/her memory. There are different types of it. Mum has Dissociative Amnesia. Her memory isn’t completely washed out, but a huge chunk of it is” I looked at each one of them and I can’t stomach it. These kids have been through a lot with us and they took everything like the true champions that they are, but this is a whole lot different.

“Can she remember us?” Isabella asked and that’s when I felt hot tears streaming down my cheeks.

I shake my head. “No” the moment they heard this, all of them cried. Gabby is hysterical. I even need to get her out of the room to calm her down, which she did after a while. We didn’t talk. I just let her emotions pour out while she’s in my arms.

When we came back, the kids have calmed down a bit too. They are comforting each other. “Mum’s memory stopped at the year twenty-eleven, which clearly means that she knows nothing about her life here in South Korea” saying this totally hurts me. I can’t believe that her wonderful memories are gone. “It’s the year before all of you were born. She knows me, but as Big Bang’s G-dragon, her crush…” I said and they laughed, “But not as her husband” and there was silence.

“What do we do now, Dad? If Mum doesn’t know us, how are we going to be a family?” Karielle asked.

I sighed and forced a smile. “We are family with or without Mum’s memories of us. Look…” I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees. “She may have lost us in her mind but her heart will surely recognize us, and that kids, is enough to comfort us whenever we feel disheartened. It will take time for her to warm up to us, but as long as we work together, we can go through this”. I am not just telling this to boost my kids’ spirits up, I’m also saying this to myself.

“We will take it one day at a time. This way, Mum will not be pressured and overwhelmed” I noticed that they’ve stopped crying and are now sporting brave faces, which I’m truly happy about. “We need to be more understanding of her since she’s going to react and move differently than normal. We need to be patient as well. Do not expect that she will remember things in a snap because she won’t. She needs time and we’re going to give her that. Don’t distance yourselves from her. Be with her as much as you can. Act normal around her. Remember, she’s still Mum, just with a glitch” this is the only word I can think of and the kids laughed at it. “It’s a beautiful glitch because you and I now have the honor and privilege to get to know another side of her”

In times like these, all you can do is be positive. There’s no room for negativity because it will just slow you down and make you feel more miserable. Our family is being tested again, but this time is a whole lot different because we’ll work together doubly hard for Clara.

It’s late in the afternoon and Clara just woke up. She only smiled at me awkwardly when I said hi to her. The way she blushes whenever our eyes meet is just too cute. I am sure she can hear our kids’ noise from outside her room and as I stare at her beautiful face, I can see curiosity building up.

“Our kids are here” I walked to her bed side and we just stared at each other, AGAIN. I have this strong urge to bend down and give her a kiss, but I stopped myself for such intimate move can come off bad because she’s barely warmed up to me.

“Do you want to see them?” I asked but didn’t get any response. She’s still staring at me, and even though I’m so used to it, this time it feels new for some reason. She’s admiring me in a different way. “They went here because they want to see for themselves that you’re already awake. But, if you’re not yet ready to see them, it’s all good. We can do it another time”

She snapped back to her senses and looked away. She pulled herself up to sit but is having a hard time, so I helped, and I felt her flinch when my hand touched her back. The way she’s reacting to me now is the exact same way she reacted when we first met.

“I want to see them” she finally speaks. Her voice is strangely pitchy today, unlike last night when it’s hoarse and airy. I don’t know, but her tone is higher than it used to be. “Do they know about my condition?” she asked and I nod. Her face falls.

“Hey” I carefully placed my hand on her shoulder. She looked up at me, tears siding, and wrapped her arms around my waist, resting her head on my stomach. She’s crying. I didn’t expect this sudden gesture, but it feels good to be this close to her.

“I hate that I cannot remember them” she said in between sobs. “How can I forget my own children? My own flesh and blood. Why does my current memories have vanished when they’re vital in my life?”

I sit beside her and cupped her face with my hands. “Babe…I know this is hard for you. I know you got a lot of questions. We’ll answer them one at a time. You see, things happen for a reason. You lost your memories of us but we have all of them. We’ll feed them to you. Don’t worry about the kids. They are shaken by the news, but they’re strong, we raised them like that” I rest my forehead to hers and it’s a surprise that she didn’t flinch or back away, “Don’t cry anymore. I cannot take your tears”

She looked at me weirdly, “You can’t take my what?” she asks innocently.

I chuckled, “Ever since, I can’t take the sight of you crying. It breaks my heart every time” I told her and she suddenly bites her lips to stop herself from smiling.

 “Even tears of joy?” her innocence right now it totally fun.

I brush her hair with my fingers, “That’s what I love seeing” I said and a smile form on her lips. “I love it, especially when you cry because of my surprises”

“You do love surprises” she points at me “I’ve watched interviews of you way back…” then she sighed, “Well…given that we’re decades forward, it’s best to say…way way way way WAAAY back…” here comes her silliness again. I can never get enough of this. It’s on another level. “You said there that you love surprising people that are important to you”

Her being a fan girl is oozing out and it’s much out there than when we first met. Before, she would tell me stories of her fan girl life and it’s all mellow, but I have a feeling that it’s different this time around. She’s more vocal and open, which is crazy, but most definitely fun.

“I do love giving surprises, most especially to you” I tapped the tip of her nose and she cutely scrunched it.

“! I suddenly want to remember them all” she’s upset once again but this time, there are no tears anymore.

I rub her back gently, “It’s okay” I smile at her and she smiled back, shyly.

A few minutes after that, she is all ready to meet our kids. She even fixed her hair that is still unfixable because of the bandage around her head. I gave her the scarf that I have to cover it up and she put it on just like the fashionista that she is.

“Do I look at least human now?” she asked after looking at her face in the mirror for a while.

I walked to her, grabbed the mirror and smirked, “You always look beautiful”

“How can he be so sweet?” she whispered to herself, but I was too close to hear it. I just giggled.

And the time has come. I told the kids that they can go in by pairs for it might be too overwhelming and chaotic for Clara if they all go together. Also, it’s more intimate with lesser people.

“I’m nervous”. I decided to bring in the little twins first. These two will surely brighten up the mood. “Don’t be nerv