When your mind cannot remember, rely on your heart to do it for you.

The moment millions of people are waiting has finally arrived. BIG BANG IS BACK! And they are back as if they never left. My nine children and I watched their comeback performance in the comfort of our home, holding light sticks and cheering loudly. Isabella even recorded a “reaction video” (as she calls it), to show to G-dragon once he arrives. Railey and Daryl are so fortunate because they get to watch live together with their children.

It is such a drag that I cannot join them. I’m not yet allowed to go out for long periods of time because I’m still in recovery. According to my doctors, it will take at least another month before I go back to normal (at least). I get physical therapy four days a week. I can move better now (even when my shoulders still act up from time to time). Good thing, they already removed my shoulder brace, I can move my arms without resistance. As for my face, well, my scars are giving me major insecurities. Yes, I know, with modern technology my scarred face can be fixed, but just by thinking that I have to deal with it for a few more months, is giving me so much stress. I mean, how can I go out with a long scar on my cheek? My daughters tried covering it with make-up days ago with so much confidence that they can perfectly conceal it, but it just wouldn’t give. It’s still visible. Oh! There’s one more thing. My hair has under shave because of my head operation (that left a scar at the back of my head too, by the way). I know, hair will grow back, but you can’t blame me, I’m not used to this. I cannot help but feel sad.

“Mum!” Isabella points her phone at me, she’s been recording even before Big Bang’s live performance begins. “How are you feeling now that we’re only a few minutes away from Big Bang’s comeback?”

I awkwardly smiled and waved my hand, “I’m excited! As a VIP, this is a big deal, you know”

“Any message for Dad before he goes up the stage?” she asked and smiled widely.

I felt my cheeks burn in an instant. I still don’t know how to address G-dragon. All of a sudden, all of my children are behind their big sister, giggling as if someone is communicating with them on the phone screen.

“Hmm…” I really want to tell him what I really feel, but I’m having second thoughts. I’m shy.

DK rubbed my arm gently, “It’s okay, Mum. You can say whatever is in your heart right now”. Out of all my children, her voice is the softest to the point that it’s hypnotizing.

I gathered every bit of courage in my body and with a shy smile I said, “Hey…husband!” The word came out of my mouth fluidly and made me blush. “I’m so excited to see you on stage again. From their stories, the last time I saw you perform was during your last solo concert before your retirement, many moons ago. It must be a thrill for you to stand on stage together with your members again” I snapped my fingers, “Oh! By the way, thank you for the light stick” I waved it in front of the camera, “And the letter you wrote me. It’s totally sweet of you” my cheeks are beginning to hurt from smiling so wide while talking. I’m sure I look like a fool.

“It’s all good, babe” I froze upon hearing his voice. Turns out, he was on video call and Isabella is just pretending to be recording. This is such a good play and very sweet as well.

Our daughter handed me the phone, that I awkwardly took, and I’m now seeing GD on screen. He’s all prepped for the performance, with his hair brushed up, making him look more handsome. Okay. Forgive me. I’m just spazzing. I cannot help it. He looks mighty fine on the small screen (what more in person?).

If before, every time he or Big Bang will have a comeback, I’m just one of the millions who patiently waits for a music video release or a performance to be shown on TV. Now, I get to talk to him before he goes on stage. I must admit, I feel really special.

“We’re up next” G-dragon said after a long silence. We just stared at each other the whole time.

There’s really something about how my heart reacts whenever I see him, that surprises me every time. You know the feeling where you feel it skip a beat, that will be followed by butterflies in your stomach. He makes my heart flutter even by doing the bare minimum. It’s strange but it feels oh-so-good.

“Okay. Good luck!” as much as I want to keep him on the line and just stare at him, I cannot.

He smiled his charming gummy smile that makes girls go crazy for him. “I love you, babe! This performance is for you”. Upon hearing this, our daughters squealed like teenagers seeing their crushes, while it made me blush some more.

“Mum, say it!” Gabby nudged me as G-dragon waits.

“Hmm…” I bit my lower lip to control my jumping nerves and to stop myself from smiling like an idiot.

“Babe, it’s okay. Don’t force yourself to say it if you can’t” G-dragon said and I started to panic.

Oh my! He might be thinking that I cannot say I love you because I don’t feel like saying it to him. It’s not that! I’m just too shy. Also, I have this stupid thought that it might not sound authentic.

“I love you!” I burst out. “I love you GD!” now I sound like a true fan girl.

The room is filled with noise after that. Our children kept on teasing me, while jumping on the bed and chanting “Mum loves Dad. Dad loves Mum. They are sweet but oh-so-yucky” (I later learned that this chant was made by Daryl).

I must say, I sometimes doubt myself if I really should be saying I love you to G-dragon in this state. Yes, I know that I love him, but most of the times, I still keep figuring out if I’m talking as a fan or a wife. My mind still cannot grasp reality, simply because the reality I know is so far from this.

And the time has come! Big Bang is back on stage, and they are rocking it! I’m telling you, there’s a different hit this time around. I may not know what happened before their retirement or while they’re retired, but one thing is for sure, the boys are performing like they didn’t rest long. They may have aged, but the swag, the coolness, the charm, the vibe, EVERYTHING BIG BANG is still there if not more. You can clearly see on their faces the happiness they feel, and it’s a such a good sight to see.

“They can still dance!” I said, my eyes are glued on the television.

Railey and Daryl told me that they are doubtful if Big Bang can still dance while singing for their joints and bones are not as good as they are anymore. There was even a joke within the Big Bang children that their Dads should just stand on stage and not move around in fear that one of them might collapse from exhaustion or something. And now, here they are, well conditioned and being crazy.

“Our group chat is so noisy” Gabby said and showed me pouring messages from the Big Bang children.

Yes, they have this group chat that only Big Bang kids are in and no parents allowed. I believe I’m the one who made it but they kicked me out of it eventually because they can handle it themselves.

“Dad is giving me his Bang Bang Bang era vibes” Isabella said and I searched it on my phone right away.

For the rest of my stay in the hospital, I tried catching up on everything I missed (or what was washed out) on Big Bang. I listened to all of their songs beyond twenty-eleven. I was in total awe to know that G-dragon released a good number of solo albums. They said some of his songs are for me, while most are about our relationship. I cried to some of them, and one of these days (that is, if I have the courage), I will ask him the stories behind the songs.

“How come he doesn’t age?” I asked no one. I’m just voicing it out.

“Mum” Danny called, “Dad takes care of himself well. He goes to the gym every day. You also give him a lot of vitamins and face products to maintain his youthful and glowing skin. He stopped smoking a long time ago too, because you keep on scolding him, telling him that it will ruin his health faster and he’ll die before he sees all of us kids have children”

I can say those things to G-dragon? Funny. Oh well, it’s good that I talk real to him.

When Big Bang’s last song ended, the crowd kept on asking for an encore. It’s my first time to hear it from a music show (or maybe it’s already a thing now). The boys gave in, of course, and asked the crowd what song they want them to sing and they roared Lies (I may not know a lot of their songs anymore but I will never forget Lies, it is and will forever be my jam).

“They’re going to sing Lies!” my being a fan girl unleashed and I found myself sitting on the edge of the bed, in full concentration with my light stick in hand, waiting patiently for the song to start. The moment it started, I fan chant together with the crowd as if I’m there with them.

“Mum is truly something” I heard one of my children say from behind me but I didn’t care at all.

Next thing I know it, Isabella is video recording me, her phone direct on my face, and even though I’m beginning to feel conscious, I still continued fan chanting until the very end where I received a crazy applause from the children.

After the music show, we decided to head out to the garden to breathe fresh air after being confined in the bedroom for a long time. Isabella and DK are preparing snacks for all of us, while Gabby and Karielle keep me company. Danny is on his phone on a beach chair at the pool area. The older twins are re-watching Big Bang’s performance (they are really into music, I can say), and the younger twins are running around, barefoot on the grass.

“What was it like to be a fan girl, Mum?” Gabby asked, “I am a fan of a lot of artists, but I’m low-key” she added and it made me laugh.