This time, I got review from Peachy Review Request Shop

Please Say No to Him Coz I Still Love You

Title: 2/5

Honestly, this is not the most original title. And whether or not the “coz” is intentional, it’s best to avoid using slang in your fic at all, let alone your title (use “because” if you can). It is relevant to your storyline, but it could be shortened slightly.  

Description/Foreword: 4/10

Your description has quite a few errors:

It has been months since you, Shin Ae Gi; one talented girl on arts, broke up with your boyfriend, Yoon DooJoon. -> It has been months since you, Shin Ae Gi, one talented girl in arts, broke up with your boyfriend, Yoon DooJoon. You've loved him so much and never stop wondering why you broke up with him on the first place when you knew there were nothing wrong happened between you and DooJoon. -> You loved him so much and never stopped wondering why you broke up with him in the first place when you knew there was nothing wrong between you and DooJoon. Suddenly, Yang SeungHo, who also DooJoon's friend, started to come close to you and eventually asked you to date with him. -> Suddenly, Yang SeungHo, who was also DooJoon’s friend, started to come close to you and eventually asked you to date him. (or “asked you to go on a date with him”) You, who torn between your strong feeling toward DooJoon and trying to heal your self with accepting SeungHo's love, started to confuse. -> You, torn between your strong feelings towards DooJoon and trying to heal yourself with accepting SeungHo’s love, started to become confused. However, it serves its purpose and is written as it should be, so that’s good. :)  

Forewords are still a formal part of your fic and yours is quite informal and colloquial. But since almost all people have used some form of emoticon or conversational language in theirs, I will not deduct too many marks for it.  

Honestly, I'm still confused with the selection between back to DooJoon or going out with SeungHo for the girl's character. So, I think I'll let anyone who read the fic later to decide.. Ah, yeah, I made a poll.

Just leave a comment to whom you want the girl's character to be with. I'm still in the middle of writing the story right now. and once I have enough answers, I'll put announcement that I closed the poll already~

So, I'll be waiting for the answers to come~ ^^

Why? This is your story and your creation, not your readers’. Even though the fic has already ended, your story means you make the decisions and decide what will happen. Even though it’s sometimes okay to consider what readers like, it’s always good to write knowing where you’re heading and what the ultimate ending is going to be. That way you can build up and the story will have more of a sense of direction. Try to avoid asking readers for what they want the ending to be, especially with polls, as this can be misleading and throw your fic off track.  

Characterization: 8/20

Your characters are all pretty similar: seemingly down, depressed and unhappy. This is faithful to your story and writing style, however, they need to be more distinct and have some of their own characteristics that set them apart from the rest. It would also be good to include more of a physical description of the characters, even though, being a “fanfic”, readers automatically apply the idols’ appearance to the character. Try to make your characters a little more interesting and bring them to life more. But I do like the concept of AeGi being good at art and how you bring this concept up every now and then, so we know that that’s one characteristic of her that makes her different and unique from the other characters. It’s also good how you connected it with her feelings too. :)  

Plot/Originality: 10/20

The overall plot, although maybe not the most clichéd topic out there, has been used and seen a lot. The storyline kind of lacked excitement and action in general. It wasn’t that the story wasn’t interesting, it just seemed to be missing that “oomph” that propels readers to click the “next” button and want to continue on.  

Mechanics: 8/20

Here are a few things in Chapter 1 only:

The palette was on my left hand while the brush was on my right hand. -> The palette was in my left hand while the brush was in my right hand. (you could even omit the last “hand” and just have “brush was in my right.”)

Even my professor said that the picture was perfect. -> get rid of the “that”.

It gave calm and comfort feeling. But somehow I felt something has been missing from the picture. -> It gave a calm and comforting feeling. But somehow I felt that something had been missing from the picture.

I looked to the door of the studio and saw a slender handsome guy came to the studio. -> I looked to the door of the studio and saw a slender, handsome guy come into the studio. (preferably use “boy” or “man”, as “guy” is somewhat informal.)

“Ah, you come.” I flashed him a smile then went to the side desk to put my palette and washed my brush. -> “Ah, you came.” I flashed him a smile and then went to the side desk to put down my palette and wash my brush.

“Yes.” He said as he stepped to the front of my painting. -> “Yes,” he said as he stepped to the front of my painting.

I put the dirty rug for cleaning my hand back to the table and came to his side then looked at my own painting. -> I put the dirty rag (I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t clean your hand with a whole rug xD) for cleaning my hand back down on the table and came to his side. I then looked at my own painting.

“But your painting is always beautiful.” -> “But your paintings are always beautiful.” I couldn’t help but smiled and blushed to hear his words. -> I couldn’t help but smile and blush at his words.

I dropped my gaze and felt some hotness crept into my cheeks. -> I dropped my gaze and felt some heat creep into my cheeks.

I looked at SeungHo who already looked back at me. -> I looked at SeungHo who was already looking at me.

“Have you heard anything from DooJoon lately?” He asked. -> “Have you heard anything from DooJoon lately?” he asked.

As I heard the name that he mentioned, my heart went stop for a second. -> My heart stopped for a second when I heard the name he mentioned. (a little awkward)

My smile disappeared as bitterness came to strike me. -> My smile disappeared as bitterness struck me.

letting the long bang of my hair covered half of my face. -> letting the long bangs of my hair cover half of my face.

“No. I haven’t heard anything.” I said then turned my back on SeungHo. -> “No. I haven’t heard anything,” I said, turning my back on SeungHo.

I was trying to hold back my tears and distracting my thought by cleaning up my painting tools. But I’ve failed as I felt a pain creeping to my heart again. -> I was trying to hold back my tears and distract my thoughts by cleaning up my painting tools. But I failed as I felt a pain creeping to my heart again.

Probably it was my mistakes too for being too busy with my works than to be with him. -> It was my probably my mistake too, for being too busy with my work to be with him.

After I broke up with him, sometimes I thought for being a talented girl on arts was so annoying for me. -> After I broke up with him, I sometimes thought that being a talented girl in arts was annoying to me.

But then, I must say that I was focused to my works after I broke up. Although, the thought of breaking up with him was still hurting me inside… -> But then, I must say that I was focused on my work after I broke up with him, although the thought of it was still hurting me inside… (use a full stop/period if you can)

Seungho smiled gently and lowered his face as a slight of blush crept onto his face. -> a slight blush

I decided to turn again as I haven’t finished cleaning up my tools. -> I decided to turn again as I hadn’t finished cleaning up my tools.

There was a break of silence before I heard him saying again -> There was a break of silence before I heard him speak again

“I wonder, since you’ve been broke up with DooJoon. Will you go out with me?” -> “I wonder, since you’ve broken up with DooJoon, if you’ll go out with me?” or “I’ve been wondering, since you’ve broken up with DooJoon, will you go out with me?”

Will. You. Go. Out. With. Me? -> Try to avoid doing this. It may be a bit more acceptable in comedy stories that adopt a more colloquial tone, but yours, especially at this point, seems to be fairly reflective and serious.

SeungHo had been closed with me since I broke up with DooJoon. -> close not closed “I think I need some times to think about it.” -> I think I need some time to think about it.”

At a moment, I thought I saw a flash of disappointment came across his face. -> At that moment, I though I saw a flash of disappointment come across his face.

He took my hand and tucked my stranded hair back to my ear with his other hand. -> He took my hand and tucked my stranded hair behind my ear with his other hand.

SeungHo was always good to me. But so did DooJoon… -> But so was DooJoon… Some of your sentences are very short. Try to use more paragraphs and maybe connect some of your sentences more so that it doesn’t seem like there are so many “breaks”. Another thing is to keep your tense consistent. You also need to be consistent in naming the characters: in earlier chapters you used “SeungHo” and “DooJoon”, but in the later ones they became “Seungho” and “Doojoon”.    

Flow/Pace and Style: 5/10

Try not to use “Flashback/End of Flashback”; incorporate the flashback into your writing and aim to show readers that it is a flashback without explicitly stating it. Perhaps incorporate more of a variety of words and vocabulary to make your sentences more interesting. But I like that your writing style was faithful to your general storyline and the mood you tried to set.

You also switch between POVs at times without stating whose it is; remember to always be specific and avoid switching point of view too much as it can become confusing. It’s a different approach to not specify the character whose perspective we are reading from, but when we do not know who it is, it becomes hard to take in anything they say as we cannot match the words up with a character.

Your writing style for this fic seems to fall under being not deep enough on emotions, yet not descriptive or exciting enough on physical things. You also jump around between time periods a lot, which is best to avoid.  

Appearance/Layout (fonts, posters etc.): 3/5 The main writing is of an appropriate size and font. The main poster also suits your fic very well, and I like how the rings on the poster are actually mentioned in the fic, which connects them. But the background is quite cluttered, busy and “messy”, which can make it somewhat distracting from your main writing.  

Overall enjoyment: 5/10 It tended to lean towards being slightly “boring” at times. Maybe this is because the story is a little cliché and your pace is fairly slow. I understand that this fic isn’t really a happy one, so if you were to focus more on the serious aspect, maybe try to delve deeper into the emotions.  

Total: 45/100  

Comments: Sorry this one took a while >.< I’ve been a bit busy lately and AFF has been really weird: every time I try to review this the site goes down and won’t load. Grrr. Haha but aside from that, here it is~ ^^ Sorry if the result wasn’t very high, as I am pretty harsh and picky. Work a little on your mechanics section, especially with tense consistency, and it will improve your fic a lot more :) I hope this will help you with your future writing~ :) Thank you for requesting <3

Reviewed by sweetieheart2

Hahaha~ another low points for this one~

Errrr... I guess this fic is really my fail attempt~ XDDD

And all the review credit to sweetieheart2 and Peach Review Request Shop