We look at each other. I don't know how to explain this. He just saw us coming out of the closet, holding hands. This is it. It's out. I swallow a big lump before actually facing him. He just stares at us with his know it all smile. And he seems kind of excited? What?

"You know, you can tell me this stuff..." Tao tells us and I'm shocked.

"We don't even know what this is..." I tell him but he just smiles some more. 

"Yeah, we're trying to figure this out", Yixing says to Tao. 

Tao's look changes a little. It's some kind of compassion he's showing now. Like he feels for us. We have to keep this down. I like, maybe even love, Yixing, but the others can't know this just yet. I think he understands that because he gives us a group hug and says: "Don't worry. I won't tell. But I can't protect you either..." 

I sigh because I'm so relieved. Tao will keep quiet for us. I know he will. He's one of the best friends I have here and he always keeps his promise. I give him another hug and I hear him laugh a little. 

"Don't crush me, okay? I still have to stay handsome for my fans!" he yells in a playful tone. 

"My little panda wants to stay handsome?" I play along and pinch his cheeks. 

He tries to pull away but he can't. I follow him around the house. We sound like little children who are picking on each other. This is why I love Tao. I can always be myself around him. Even if that means I'm a big little kid. We are so comfortable around each other. We finally stop when we get back to the kitchen, but only because I'm on his back. 

"I knew he was a panda, but a horse now too?" Kai jokes and Tao sticks out his tongue. 

"I want a piggy back ride too!" Baekhyun yells and tries to pull me off. 

"Tao is mine!" I slap Baekhyun and he pretends to be mad. 

Chanyeol joins him and Kyungsoo just smiles at me because I'm hitting Byun over and over again in a playful manner. He likes it when I hit Baekhyun? Too much if you'd ask me. 

"Wanna join me, Kyungsoo?" I ask and he does. 

He pulls Baekhyun and Chanyeol off me and hits them both on the head. He mumbles something in the line of: 'Idiots.' I just laugh hard while still sitting on Tao's back. Everyone in the room is having a good time and joining in in their way. Even Suho and Sehun are playing along. Sehun only because Kai is teasing him the whole time. Xiumin tries to protect me from everyone who tries to pull me off. They're all scared because Xiumin is the one who is the strongest of them all. Have you seen those biceps? 

In the end Tao puts me on the table and declares me the winner. I smile and bow for all of them while standing on the table. Chen and Amalia clap for me. I hadn't even noticed they weren't joining in. They stayed over in a corner, just talking. So cute. 

"Now! Let's get going!" I tell them. 

"We only listen to our leader!" Kai yells. 

"Let's go!" Suho says and everyone looks at him funny. 

"Come on..." Kyungsoo says and they all follow him. 

"Since when is DO the leader?!" Suho yells after them. 

My stomach is hurting from all the laughing. I can't take this anymore. I guess they fear Kyungsoo more than they do Suho. 

"I'll get you guys for this!" he's still yelling as we get to the cars. 

We get in. Amalia is on Chen's lap and I'm back on Yixing's. Like always he puts his arms around my waist and kind of falls asleep on my back. I can't even begin to imagine if that is even comfortable. But he seems to be doing fine. 

When we get to the building, a lot of fans are waiting to see them. Amalia can't get out with us because it might be seen the wrong way. They drive her around the building where there's a safe entrance. We get out and the boys are still acting goofy. The must've held on to the mood there was earlier. They're almost jumping up and down. Well, Baekhyun is actually jumping up and down. He's chasing after Kyungsoo once more. Tao and I are still pushing each other while Yixing joins in. It's all such a nice atmosphere. The fans are laughing too and taking pictures. Sometimes the boys stop for a second so they can take a picture. I make sure to stay out of them. I know they don't want me in their pictures. They do the most absurd positions and I almost fall on the ground while laughing. 

Some fans are screaming something. I can't understand them since my Korean is still , but Yixing's face turns sour as he comes towards me. 

"Let's get inside", he guides me inside without even glancing at the fans again. The others do the same and I don't get what's going on. 

They rush inside and don't even wave anymore. Seems like the playful mood from earlier is now all gone. They all seem mad about something. I look around, but no one explains it. 

"What's going on, Yixing?" I ask him while tugging on his sleeve. 

"It's nothing. It's okay now", he tells me as he pats my head. 

"Tell me! I'm not a little kid anymore!" I yell out of frustration. 

I'm confused and I don't like being treated like a little kid who doesn't know anything. I'm well passes that face in life. I have the scars to prove it. I want to know what the hell is going on. 

"They were calling you names. Not all of them, but some... I didn't like it one bit", he tells me and my face literally drops. 

I know there are people who don't like me, but to go to these extremes? Even when the boys are around. I kind of feel sad but happy at the same time. They're mad because they consider me as a part of them. And they don't take from anyone. But I feel sad because fans felt the need to cuss me out. 

"Hey, don't take it that way", Xiumin cuddles me. 

They all join in for one massive group hug. The fans can still see us because it's all just glass and we're still standing in the hallway. I don't get why they feel the need to call me names. But this won't make it better either. I guess it's true what they say about some Korean fans. I just hope they're not saesangs. That's just scary. 

"Let's go in. I need some water", Suho says in a soft voice.

He puts his arm around my shoulder and ushers me forward. I go along with him and we finally arrive at the dressing room. We sit down as I check their Twitter account. I want to see what the fans are saying about this. 

'That girl totally deserved being treated that way! But she didn't deserve the group hug! EXO will soon see her true nature too!' one person wrote. 

Damn, that was harsh.

'It's so cute to see how they protected her and even comforted her for all the fans to see. EXO must be such great friends. Plus she does a lot for us too. She makes the little video's and pictures of them!' 

That was kind of nice of the girl. But the amount of hate I'm getting at this moment is overwhelming. It's too much to see. I even get tears into my eyes. I know there are good ones out there too, but the bad is overshadowing the good at this point. Then suddenly the company phone is snatched away, out of my hands, into Kyungsoo's. 

"Don't listen to them or read that. We've all been through something like this. Look at Taeyeon, Baek's girlfriend. She got a lot of hate... You're amazing. Don't let it get to you. We all love you here", he tells me and tears roll over my cheeks. 

The boys all nod to Kyungsoo's statement. He's so sweet. That made me feel wanted again. I always think about the fact that I don't belong here as much as the Korean fans do. But that's not right, is it? We all have an equal right to the boys. It's not because you're from a certain country that you can lay a claim on the idols. I can't help it that I fell in love with music that comes from halfway across the world. We all love them in the same way. In the way we all can. We love them with all of our hearts. Why does it matter where you come from? As long as you support them, it's okay. 

I'm almost crying now. Yixing has his arms around me to comfort me. This is the second time I cry in one day. Good job. I never wanted to cry in front of EXO. They don't deserve to see I'm kind of hurt by all of this. It's not fair to them. But they all seem to be feeling the way I do. 

"I just can't believe fans of ours would do that..." Channie says while looking at the ground. 

"Oh, they've don worse..." Kai states. They all look at Baekhyun. I want to know what's going on, but I don't press it. It seems like a heavy subject. They'll tell me in due time. 

Then Amalia steps inside. I have no idea how she got backstage, but it's good to see her. She sees me crying, shoots me a confused look and rushes over to my side. Yixing lets go of me and hands me over to Amalia. She drags me out of the room to one adjacent to this one. When we're inside we sit down and I let it all go. I cry like a little kid. Amalia always has this effect on me. She can make me show my true feelings without saying a word. 

She lets me sob into her clothes. They're probably going to be all wet soon, but she doesn't care. The harder I cry, the harder she hugs me. After I while I die down and just lay against her chest. I'm so tired from crying that much. She my hair, knowing how I feel. Then she pats my back, which makes me feel a little better than before. She just makes me feel okay again. 

"Tell me, what happened?" she asks me after a while of silence. 

"The boys were in such a good mood. They were having so much fun. I kept participating in it and it was so nice! I always stepped back when the fans wanted a picture, but then they all rushed me inside after hearing some fans shouting stuff. They were pissed off. So they told me why... the fans were cussing me out. Calling me names and such..." I explain.

I almost start crying again, but my tears have all dried out. 

"Oh no... who would do such a thing! You don't deserve that. Oh, sweetie.." she hugs me again. 

"I even looked at the boys's Twitter account. It's not nice. It's horrible. Help me Amalia. I need to get over this. But what if they're going to hate me forever? I can't stay with them like that! They deserve so much better!" I cry out. 

"It'll all be okay. I promise you..." She soothes me again. 

"But just imagine. If Yixing and I officially start dating. And we have to come out. How will the fans react that? They've already cussed me out for being friends with them!" I cry again. 

I hear myself say those words. I feel it. What if we're ever discovered by his fans? That would be an absolute end of the wold. And yet again, I feel like he's worth it. But am I?