My Artificial Love
Review Requested by: Shino159
Reviewer: rectangular_smile
Review Requested: July 23, 2015
Review Completed & Poster: July 29th, 2015
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Title (6/10)
Even though the title was relevant enough, I've seen the word 'artificial' being used so many times on fanfics, thinking that it's unused or that it's more descriptive. Honestly though, the first time I've seen this word, I've been in awe but not any more; lots of people just use it now and its more like a usual word.

Foreword (13/15)
I really liked the foreword because it didn't give much of the story. It was well written and the flow was beautiful. I was immediately pulled to the story as it didn't give so much information. The plot was hidden and I was pretty much surprised that they ended up as artificial, made up children.
Though it did need more words because unlike me, so many people don't like overly mysterious stuff, so maybe you should reveal a bit more information.

Characters (18/20)
The character introductions were simple yet elegant. You didn't dwell on any unnecessary characters and didn't write so little on others; like how you didn't portray Kris' character so much but enough to make us understand that he likes to blow his money on useless stuff, and that he has a rather complex thoughts about love. Also Lay and Chen, they were the sidekicks but we can tell that Lay is more of a calm person, while Chen has the opposite character; overall, it was great.

Narrative Elements (25/30)
Your grammar wasn't the best but it wasn't bad either. I understood what you wanted to portray but some sentences were so cluttered that I had to re-read them twice to understand what you wanted to give. I think you need to check them and make an extra effort in fixing them.
Your punctuation isn't the best either. Some sentences weren't separated by a comma or a period and I was really confused on whether this sentence was read like this or that; however, they were so minimum so don't worry, I just needed to point out some of the mistakes that made me pause.

Plot & Theme (20/35)
The plot was really good and new, the whole idea was refreshing and so far, I haven't read anything like that. 

What really bothered me was the fact they grow with , I understand that love gives them the ability to grow, but I don't understand why has to be involved. To me, when loving a person, emotions are more important and I would have loved it more if they grew faster with emotions more than physical contact. Sure '' is important but feelings are more important because to be honest, is revolved around hormones.

The other part that I didn't like is that Kyungsoo had with Kai and he grew up. What I understand is that he had with him when he was a baby doll or a child if its more accurate. I couldn't help but feel revolted to know that they were just children with children bodies and someone would actually do it with them. Kyungsoo is a respectful twenty something years old; why would he want to make love with a child to grow? Even though they know they are artificial and could physically endure the physical contact, it wasn't proper and you could have made him grow up first before he could have '' *sorry for my harsh words>.<* 

Entertainment Factors (7/10)
To be honest, I really enjoyed this story and was excited to know what's going to happen next as U kept scrolling down and down. I liked how you started the story with Xiumin and Kris driving to an unknown territory talking about an unknown place *until you revealed it was Suho's*. It made me really excited to know why they stopped at his place and why was Xiumin so annoyed that time. You can evoke some exciting feelings from the readers and that is a strength point you need to use more. Take advantage of that and make the story more enjoyable with huge plot twists.

Even though in the beginning you made kyungsoo have with jongin to grow, I liked the fact you didn't make Xiumin and the main protagonist do that for her to grow. I liked that her growth was more into the feeling and I was excited to know she grew without Xiumin having to touch her.

It was a good story, I enjoyed reading it ^^

Overall (89/110)

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