Review for dennisse // Reviewed by: pilsuk123

Title and Story link:  

Amidst Negativity (Completed, one-shot)

Title: (20/20)

First glance, I thought the title was way too typical and boring. However, after understanding the story more and better, I realized that it's a prefect fit for the story and it actually suits the theme of the story and it also gives off a angst feel. I love titles that doesn't give away the story's plot right away but still have a sense of belonging with the story. The whole story revolves around what happens in the middle of all the negativity that Baekhyun carries and in that aspect I find the title extremely fitting with the story. 

Overall Appearance: (3/5)

Although without a poster or a background picture, I liked how you chose your font and word size for the story. The only problem I had was with the foreword of the story, the foreword was too lengthy (will further explain in details below) and some words was in a bigger size or small size than the others making it look rather weird. Other than that, I also liked how you use banner/deco in breaking up the story into new paragraph in the chapter.

Description and Foreword: (14/20)

The story's description really caught my attention once I chance upon the story, it really stand out. I liked the end part of the description about Baekhyun's plan to fly off a rooftop but I don't really like the other beginning halves of the description which was quite mundane. I think that you have a lot more to offer in the description/foreword because you have a wonderful plot with an amazing writing style, I'm pretty sure you can whip up a better description about Baekhyun's negativity, his plans to fly and also a bit about Chanyeol since he also plays a huge part in the story and in Baekhyun's life. 

For the foreword, I have to be honest that it'll be better off without it since it's the exact copy of the beginning of the story which might be extremely repetitive for readers to read the same,exact and lengthy content TWICE. I think a shorter foreword or a shorten excerpt of the story would be a much better idea.  Also in the foreword, since you added info about the contest, I thought it'll be great for you to add the prompts you chose for the story to be included in the story d/f since prompts are extremely important in writing the story.

Plot: (25/30)

The plot was really interesting for me because I really like how writers can choose one theme about death or wanting to die but experiment at how it's written. I love how this plot doesn't fully focus on the reason WHY Baekhyun wants to die but it focuses more on how he thinks and all the negativity and of course about meeting Chanyeol. A lot of details weren't added and there are lots of holes in the story such as to does Baekhyun knows about his sickness and that's the reason why he wanted to die, or about Baekhyun not being more considerate to Chanyeol etc. I think the main reason why there's quite a lot of questions in my head was because the story started almost immediately without any background story or information on both Chanyeol and Baekhyun. 

More importantly, I love how you decided to go with the story about just everything. About how you wrote about Baekhyun, about K.will, about coffee, about rain, about flying off and also about the ending of the story.

The plot really heightened into a whole new level in the ending when Chanyeol decides to finish Baekhyun's wish of flying. I thought that was pure genius and moving and hours after finishing the story, my whole mind was still about Chanyeol granting Baekhyun's last wish. 

Originality: (16/20)

I can't say that the story have the most original plot because it doesn't really have especially when I was expecting a plot twist for Baekhyun's disappearance, it turns out to him just being sick. The main plot of Baekhyun being suicidal isn't a original plot however, the story does have it's own original and twists in it. The part of Chanyeol jumping down at the end was a huge twist and surprise for me and also the part about Chanyeol sacrificing his sister and so on. I love those twists and the details in your story was extremely original as well : Coffee song, K.will song etc.

Language: (17/20)

Some of sentences were phrased really awkwardly or could be better phrased:

-Baekhyun has no idea why whatsoever when Chanyeol sits next to him about a minute later, eager to make conversation.

(Baekhyun has no idea why Chanyeol decide to sit next to him about a minute later, eagerly making conversations.)

-“Don’t you like the rain?” Chanyeol’s low tone somewhat surprises Baekhyun, noticing just now how he sounds like. Baekhyun doesn’t pay attention to details.

(“Don’t you like the rain?” Chanyeol’s low tone somewhat surprises Baekhyun, just noticing now how low his voice is. Baekhyun rarely pays attention to details.)

-Chanyeol guesses how fast Baekhyun’s heart beats, having drunk two cups of coffee.

(Chanyeol guesses how fast Baekhyun’s heart is beating right now after having two cups of coffee.)

-Baekhyun’s facial expression loosens up, and his shoulders ease down before he picks up his drink and heads to the same stool by the glass wall.

(Baekhyun’s facial muscles loosen up, and his shoulders ease down before he picks up his drink and heads to the same stool by the glass wall.)

-“They say that there’s just a tiny chance of her waking up again. I didn’t believe them, you know? Two years ago, she lifted her fingers, her eyes rolled under her lids, showed signs of life. Who am I to give up when I know my sister is fighting?

(“They say that there’s almost no chance of her waking up again. I didn’t believe them, you know? Two years ago, she lifted her fingers, her eyes rolled under her lids, showed signs of life. Who am I to give up when I know my sister is fighting?)

-But , Baekhyun just has to walk into his life with his stupid frown on that pretty face. Baekhyun just has to walk into his life with his negative remarks, eyes only knowing the darkness. 

(But , Baekhyun just have to walk into his life with his stupid frown on that pretty face. Baekhyun just have to walk into his life with his negative remarks and with eyes that only sees the darkness in everything.)

Writing Style: (19/20)

There are times when I find the sentence structure really stiff and weird but also you suprises me with a unique type of writing style. I love how you decides to form a certain sentence or decides which vocab to use and all. For eg. sells smiles or he surprises the both of them again, and I really like 'Plans of flying are saved for another sunny day'. There's a angst feeling to the story's writing style yet sometimes it's phrased so beautifully and sarcastically it brings a smile to my face.

And for once he feels alive without the help of black coffee, just a taste of Chanyeol.

Somewhere between Chanyeol’s easy smiles, sloppy jokes and hesitant stares, Baekhyun has fallen, and he learns that he doesn’t need to fly to fall.

Plans of flying fall through closed windows.

He tries to see the dust dance when a ray of light hits them, he tries to realize that the rain brings forth food for plants, and that the rain wets the roads and it won’t be so humid anymore.

Characterization: (25/30)

I really adored both characters in the story. I love Baekhyun for he portrays the usual and realistic human that is just extremely negative and pessimistic. While on the hand, there's a Chanyeol who's really bright but who used to be really dark as well. The idea of two extremely realistic characters in the story was just wonderful and relatable. As I've mentioned, the beginning of the story was almost immediately, I still feel that there's a lot of details about both Chanyel and Baekhyun that wasn't mentioned or written. The character depth of both characters was enough but not as detailed as they could be. The connections of both of them was so strong that it was almost palpable, I love how despite how little details of them or both of them together, you're able to let readers feel the connection and affection they have for each other was so strong and true and I think it's the reason why I was moved by the story. 

Flow: (22/30)

The flow of the story was good but admittedly, there's a lot of parts skipped and I have my confusion moments in the story but overall I was still able to catch on what's going on. The pace of the story was way too fast right from the beginning of the story. Also, it feels that the point of view changes quite often, it would be nice to write more on Chanyeol's pov before moving on to another scene etc. It feels whenever I'm just about to feel absorbed into a particular scene, the scene had ended and I have to move on to another part of the story. There's just so much details in the story that I wished you had explored more but because of the fast pace of the story and rather short one-shot, it couldn't be helped. There's just so much more details I want to drown myself in but the story just moves too quickly. If there was more parts and scenes of Baek and Chanyeol together, it would have been great as well because I could only remember two or three vivid scenes of them together: In Chanyeol's house and them hanging out in the swings. 

Reader's Scope/ Overall Enjoyment (4/5)

I freaking love this piece! It's so beautiful you cannot understand just how much I enjoyed and worshipped this story! The idea you have was pure brilliance, specially the one about flying off a building and you make it sound such a beautiful and exciting experience when it's suppose to be a really depressing thought. The whole story is just a art masterpiece. I love every thing about it and also I find it extremely comfortable yet depressing at the same time because I'm a little like Baekhyun (with all the negativity and depressing thoughts) but I'm also a Chanyeol (someone who tries to hide it all and smile and be strong). 

Bonus (+8)

I think it's great how you wrote a story based on negative thoughts or sucidal thoughts because it's so relatable. I think it's only normal for everyone to have such thoughts even if it's a thing in a past, I'm sure everyone thought and experiences what Baekhyun experiences and I don't know how you did it but someone this story cheers and motivates me more in a depressing and dark way. You're really brave in writing this story.

Final Score/ Total (173/200) = 86.5%

A/N:

Good luck in the contest, I really think you deserves to do well in it! Thank you for requesting and allowing me to review this masterpiece even though I don't think I should be. Still, I'm addictive to your beautiful and detailed writings! 

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