Review for roughivge // Reviewed by: AutumnsConcierto

Title and Story link:  

Offside (ongoing, reviewed with 12 chapters)

Title: (14/20)

As you can see, I've only read 12 chapters so maybe the title has more relevance later on. I do like the idea of the word "offside" and it's not a title you see every day, but I cannot connect the title with the story line as of now. I'm having a hard time deciphering the application actually.The most I can guess from is that Jiyeon's growing relationship with Eunjung is out of bounds in a sense. Like earlier, maybe it's because I'm only 12 chapters into the story and the whole idea of offside is explained later, but as of now, I really have no clue. In my opinion, I find that a disadvantange. Even if the theme title is not emphasized in the beginning of the story, there should still be enough hints to create relevance. A question out of curiousity/clarification, what was your definition for the usage of offside? From what I understand, it's a term used in sports when a player illegally goes over a line.

Overall Appearance: (3/5)

The poster sets a better mood then the background because it seems more dark, just like some parts of the story. It's pink, but the color's is somewhat faded and dark. I at this, I can't describe my colors well lol.The hazy effect that takes place for the poster is cool. As for the background, it's too bright of a pink. I'd have no problems if the story were fluff, but this is dramatic and more intense so it doesn't match. 

Description and Foreword: (14/20)

Description- It starts with an author's note, and I personally like author notes, but I suggest you put this at the end? As a reader, I'd want to read a summary of the story first, then the author's note. As for the section labeled synopsis, I suggest you space the sentences out to create a more dramatic effect, and it'll also show that each sentence is from the perspective of a different character. 

(Original) He never wants to fall in love. He did not believe that he is worthy of even being loved. All she wants is to find the one for her. She believes that there's a happily ever after out there for everyone. Sometimes fate just loves to play a cruel joke, by pushing two people who could never be more different, towards one another. Will they realise that they had been caught in the neatly executed offside trap of Cupid? Or will they let their one true love slipped by without knowing?

(Suggestion)

 He never wants to fall in love. He did not believe that he is worthy of even being loved.

All she wants is to find the one for her. She believes that there's a happily ever after out there for everyone.

Sometimes, fate just loves to play a cruel joke, by pushing two people who could never be more different, towards one another. Will they realize that they have been caught in the neatly executed offside trap of Cupid?

Or will they let their one true love slip by without knowing?

Notice how I spaced the sentences out? 

Next is the characters list. The first thing that came to my mind when reading was, Why is this so long? Don't get me wrong, it was very much well-written. But with such long character descriptions, it can turn off a reader. It's best to always leave a reader wanting to read more later than reveal a complete list of a character's attitude. Also, I began to realize while reading chapters of the story that these character descriptions are slightly inaccurate, moreso misleading actually. The fact that Eunjung was described so coldly made me think he would never talk to anyone ever and was completely closed off from the world. Yet, he's joking around just fine with Cyclops and he even flirts by winking towards T-ara members and whatnot. 

Also, your grammar is a bit confusing. I'm not sure which tense you want to use exactly, but you continually switch tenses from present to past.

ex) Hahm Eunjung is a man that appeared to have everything in life.

ex) Those are all the attributes that she imagined her perfect prince charming to possess, and she determinedly ignores everyone around her who tried to dissuade her of such unrealistic notions.

There are other sentences I find that have this issue, so please check and review them. 

Plot: (20/30)

I'm having a hard time focusing on what exactly you're trying to focus on in this story. I know the main of this is love, but it's hard to see how Jiyeon develops feelings for Eunjung and the other way around clearly. Sure, it's because although they have such a loud relationship with a lot of bickering, they still care for each other. However, I want to see deeper into that, with more feelings. What are the exact things that attract them to one another? When and how did the feelings exactly start? 

I personally don't find the story very engaging, probably because it's not the most realistic. I cannot relate, connect to, or understand the characters. Their situations are also odd. Realistically, popular idols who are nationally recognized have packed schedules and rarely have time to do other things whether or not if they promoting. If as described in the story, Jiyeon should be way to busy to have so much free time to meet with her neighbor, help out at her father's company, etc. The conflicts seem to be randomly thrown rather than part of an ulterior plan. I also don't understand what Eunjung exactly does a for a living and even with all of his emotions, I don't feel for him. 

Random question, but why is your story rated M? I don't think it's necessary to be rated M unless there's the chapter with Jiyeon's creep on the bed and other ones that possibly have more violent or disturbing scenes.

Originality: (20/20)

I have to give you credit for originality. I have never read something like this before, especially since the situations are so different compared to other fanfics I've read. It's odd in a new way- that's a good thing.

Language: (18/20)

Other than the confusing tense usage in the description, no other mistakes are bothersome in the chapters. I did notice a couple of tense errors, but they weren't a big deal. Spelling was on point too, great job!

Writing Style: (12/20)

The major problem I have with your writing style: you write too much.

Yes, that's possible, and I'm sorry if that comes off a little harsh, but I have to be honest.

Eunjung and Jiyeon's bickering arguments account for way too much of the chapters. About 1/4 or more of what I've read has been nothing but unnecessary dialogue between the two. There's no need to have such long conversations, especially if they're only saying one line each. Just a couple of funny, interesting, and memorable lines, no more since it'll get repetative and the two always bicker. If you have to, summarize and somewhat wrap up their conversation instead.

Detailed descriptions of what the character is doing is not needed, it makes thing a bit plain and boring. Especially in the first chapter, I didn't feel particularly interested in Eunjung's running journey. 

Based off of the plot, this story didn't even have to drag out so long. The timing is too dragged out. You're already at 30 chapters, yet you probably have plenty of more chapters before the completion. 

Also, your chapters are veryyy long. Each chapter is practically the length of a one-shot. That can be a turn off.

Characterization: (20/30)

Personally, I really have no emotional connection to the characters whatsoever. Not only that, they lack depth. Jiyeon appears very childish, and while it looks like there are many sides to Eunjung, he's just not that complicated of a character. They are not realistic nor believable.

Flow: (25/30)

As mentioned and explained in the writing style section, the story has been dragged out too much, disturbing the possibly quicker pace it could have been. The slower pace makes things less suspenseful if dragged out too long. Other than that, sentences flowed well together and grammar was fine.

Reader's Scope/ Overall Enjoyment (2/5)

This fic personally wasn't my cup of tea, but seeing the latest comment on the story, that person is in love lol. There are quirky and intriguing moments, but not enough to fully grasp my attention. 

Bonus (+2)

Final Score/ Total (150/200) = 75%

A/N: 

I sincerely apologize for such a late review! *__* I hope you don't take my comments the wrong way, take them as possible things to take into consideration as writing. I see a lot of potential, keep writing! ^^

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