Review for flamzfox // Reviewed by: pilsuk123

Title and Story link:  

The Dawn of Life (Completed, one-shot)

Title: (19/20)

At first, I cannot make any sense at all with the title and I couldn't even try to make guesses about what the story is going to be by the title. When I read the story, it wasn't until the 3/4 of the story where the title meaning in the story was obvious to me. I can finally understand that the dawn of life was referring to Kris and how kris help yixing to begin living again. It's as though Kris was the reason of yixing living and his reason to continue living. I've come to really liked the title but I believe that this isn't the best title for the story. It has a strong significant to the story's plot and characters but it didn't have that magical, mystical, unique feeling it gives off comparing to 'Humanity's Code' or 'Carded Destiny'. 

Overall Appearance: (5/5)

I actually saw the poster before it was gone but now it's gone... As usual, you cannot not get full marks for overall appearance. The font, style, layout, colors, organizing, d/f are all done in such a neat and nice way! I also really liked how you separate the story up with a line and a heart to let readers know about the change in scene. 

Description and Foreword: (18/20)

First off, somehow I feel that the description and foreword's content kind off give too much away since it's a one-shot and other than understanding what's happening to Yixing, everything else was already written in d/f. I fell in love with the description of the story, it was so beautifully extracted and I love how you described about the strings in yixing slowly starts to snap after kris appeared. I thought that was really interesting and it definitely brings my attention to the story. The foreword was great because it's content was my second favorite and best scene that I liked best from the story. I think the foreword helps clear the initial misunderstand I had in the description. When I first read the description, it sorts of make me picture yixing as a puppet because you had written that the strings was drawing lines of blood and that there was a puppet master controlling him so I kind of thought of that literally. The foreword feels slightly too long too, it'll be great if you can summarise it to be shorter so that it'll pull readers to read the story instead.

Plot: (28/30)

I'm so in love with the idea of everything in the story that I don't even know where to start. I can't stop reading it because I want to know what actually happens and while reading the story, I was so so afraid that after knowing behind everything that it would be disappointing but I turns out to really love it. I love the idea about the game that you can escape and start anew and everything that it stands. It'll definitely be worth waiting for in the future and it's so realistic. The realistic elements in the story really surprises me, about kris talking about his sister, yixing and his brother, how he sacifice and forgive, yixing decisions and everything. I like the touch of realistic in stories and more specifically sci-fi/fantansy stories. I also admired the parts where you could make it cheesy with kris talking about a painful past about his lover but instead you decided to go with his sister instead. It was beautiful and moving. It goes the same with yixing and his brother. I felt his brother pain and misery but I will never be able to forgive him just like what yixing did. 

The ending of the story was a bit on the predictable side but it was still worth reading. I like twists in stories and I think there was enough great plot twists in the story already that I think the ending was really sweet and wonderful. I liked how they both ended up together and they even visited kris' sister and I love what yixing whispered to her... that she can finally rest. 

Originality: (20/20)

Admittedly, I don't usually read scifi fanfics, I feel that this story is ordinary in originality that made it extraordinary in originality. It doesn't feel forceful about trying to make the story stand out and have many good original ideas in it, the story feels naturally original in it's own way. A few to mention is about revealing more on the family relation side with kris' sister and yixing's brother and the idea that this game in the story was extremely original and realistic. The best and most original part in the story was about yixing decision to go through with the experiment even though it involve risks like not being about to remember kris when he wakes up but he goes through with it selflessly and maybe because he knew he'll fall for kris all over again even if he can't remember. I really like that part best!

Language: (19/20)

The only thing was that there's a few mistakes and sentences that I can't quite understand that I've listed below but also I realized that some of your sentences can get really long with numerous commas. I'm guilty for that too but it's best to break some of them into sentences instead of squeezing them into one to make more sense.

-Yixing did not. he knew only that in the end, he could do nothing.

(Yixing only knew that at the end, there was nothing that he could do.)

>I'm rather confuse with the two sentences here, was there a typo?

-Yixing turned slowly, his feet digging into the ground as he fought the invisible puppeteer above him.

(Yixing slowly turned and move his feet while digging into the ground as he fought the invisible puppeteer above him.)

-Life wasn’t a right, but a blessing that could just as easily be taken away. 

(Life isn't only a good thing, but a blessing that could just as easily be taken away.)

>I can't quite understand what does 'Life wasn't a right' means here but I probably interpreted it wrongly :P

-Just that one word hurt him to say, but he wanted to say it.

(It hurts to just say that one word, but he would still wanted to say it.)

-Wasn’t this unnatural?

(Isn't this unnatural?/ Isn't this against nature?)

Writing Style: (18/20)

Love love love your writing style and there isn't anything to really point out except just sometime it can get quite choppy with the sentences (mentioned in language). I think this piece feels a bit different that the rest of the story you wrote because there's more symbolism used in the story and there's even a direct line between you and the story. I realized that it's also very closely written in relate to Chinese tradition and food such as the one about yuanxiao. Also about yixing being controlled, the way you wrote it was just breath taking and painful to even read. Yixing pain was easily highlighted in the story and affected me through the way you wrote it so I'm all in for your writine style! 

Characterization: (26/30)

The characterization was enough but I feel that yixing and kris connection wasn't as strong as I've expected. I feel that the room for them to grow their feelings for each other was going too fast. From accidentally killing kris to his confessing his feelings had gone too fast. When kris said he was curious about yixing and it felt so sudden that the curiosity was shaped to love and feelings for each other. I would have hoped for them to grow closely more before the confession part. Despite the really fast forward connection between them, I could still feel the fondness yixing had in his heart for kris with the way he's trying to hard to even communicate with kris. Yixing's character really stood out in the story, for me. I liked the way he behaves, he way he acts, he way he talks, the way he thinks and mostly his decisions. His character growth in the story really brings a special connection to me because he grew from no one and being afraid to even move to someone so brave and selfless at the end. Kris character was pretty casual and usual but yixing's character is just so much more unique and special.

Flow: (25/30)

I feel that there's room for more details in the story and it could easily be a short story instead of a one-shot but I think you managed to capture all the important parts in the story and include them in the one-shot. The pace of the story obviously was a bit too fast for me to be absorbed in because things move really fast after kris wants to find out what really happens to yixing but the flow of the story was really smooth even though you had to change parts/time a few times for kris to go back to reality to the game to yixing and reality again. Still, you managed to juggle them really well and the scenes flow smoothly from one another, also there wasn't any part I was confused about. (Except about the yixing in the story book, I'm not really clear about that. So the story is kind of fake?)

Reader's Scope/ Overall Enjoyment (4/5)

If only the story was paced in a slower speed with more chapters, I think I'll end up obsessing about the story just like what I did with Humanity's code. Both stories feel similar yet so distinctively different! I enjoyed reading the story because of yixing character and how I'm able to related to yixing. I can actually feel yixing suffocation in comparison to how I sometimes feel in real life. I think this story can be enjoyed by many because it's easy to understand and relate to!

Bonus (+4)

Final Score/ Total (184/200) = 92%

A/N:

Hope the review is alright because I'm typing it really quickly right after I finish reading the story! Another masterpiece! <3 Really wish to recommend this story once I'm back on track with life! /hugs/

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