Review for Locrianz // Reviewed by: AutumnsConcierto

Title and Story link:  

Agassi 아가씨 (Ongoing, reviewed with 6 chapters)

Title: (20/20)

Agassi is a Korean term, and that is what Kyungsoo refers to Daeyoung as initially. The word itself is basically the main point of their relationship to me. It's adorable when he courts her and drops the honorific title. 

Overall Appearance: (1/5)

You have no poster, and that's okay, but it would be preferred. Depending on the creator of the poster, it can really boost the apperance of a story and make it more alluring. They can hint clues and provide information as to what the story might be about.

The background is simple in design, but it's not exactly the best background possible.

I suggest you look for a poster shop if you want! There are many available and they can provide beautifully well-made posters and backgrounds, just make sure you review their works before deciding on which shop to hire.

Description and Foreword: (12/20)

Description- Sad face. Right off the bat, I see errors!

(Original) A term older male used for younger female, can also be referred as young miss. Note that it's a term used by male only.

(Correction) A term older males use for younger females, also defined as "young miss". Note that it's a term used by males only.The rest is what I'd think is an author's note, and that's fine, but there are some unappealing errors there as well. 

(Original) 'Agassi' is not my first story, but this story is part of my journey in writing, it is one of the phase in my writing world. Therefore, I hope for your supports.

(Correction) 'Agassi' is not my first story, but this story is a part of my journey in writing. It is one of the phases in my writing world. Therefore, I hope for your support.

Foreword- This is super-duper sweet, just my style actually. It gives readers a good glimpse as to what to expect from the plotline. I also like the fact that you bolded Kyungsoo's thoughts throughout the conversation. :( However, the errors irk me a lot. 

(Original) 

He stood up, went to the jungle gym, effortlessly climbed it up, and sat on the highest spot, “Maybe he doesn’t love you?”

She looked at him with a hint of disbelief, “I’ve known him from primary grade.”

I know you since we’re on diapers. He thought and looked at her straight to her eyes.

“We’ve shared a lot of secrets”

We’ve always go through every sad and happy moments together.

“I love him and I believe he does, too.”

With that, His lips formed a thin line. He studied the figure in front of him. She didn’t look like a wonder woman anymore, that time, she looked so brittle, like a lost puppy who was holding herself to let out a heart-breaking whimper. He hated that sight. So, throwing away all his bad thoughts heaving a very deep sigh, he hopped to the ground and walked to her. Just this time, I’ll back off.

Just like always.

(Correction)

He stood up and went to the jungle gym. Effortlessly climbing up, he sat on the highest spot. “Maybe he doesn’t love you?”

She looked at him with a hint of disbelief, “I’ve known him since primary grade.”

I have known you since we were in diapers. He thought and looked straight into her eyes.

“We’ve shared a lot of secrets.”

We’ve always went through every sad and happy moment together.

“I love him and I believe he does too.”

With that, his lips formed a thin line. He studied the figure in front of him. She didn’t look like Wonder Woman anymore. This time, she looked so brittle, like a lost puppy who was holding herself back only to let out a heart-breaking whimper. He hated that sight. So, throwing away all his bad thoughts while heaving a very deep sigh, he hopped to the ground and walked to her. Just this time, I’ll back off.

Just like always.

Also, I didn't change this, but "Just this time, I'll back off." doesn't make sense to me. Because you put "Just like always" at the end, it signifies it wasn't his first time backing off. Maybe you just have different thinking.

I know English may not be your first language (I looked at your profile and it said you're from Indonesia. Cool ><) but I am strict with grammar/spelling. Those mistakes turn me off when reading, no matter how good the plot is. I hope you could improve this during your journey as a writer! ^^

**Psst, you could look around for beta-readers, they'll correct the mistakes for you! (They're basically proofreaders.) I'd be glad to help if you need any for future works as well.

Plot: (20/30)

The romance in this was pure sugar. How did you cultivate something so sweet? Lol. I personally am a er for plots like yours, especially where the male and female have known each other practically since birth. Plus, I loved the idea of Kyungsoo technically being subordinate to Daeyoung due to the nature of his job. It's cute how he always calls her agassi and then finally drops the usage of the word as the plot develops.

As for the characters, I'd say they fell short of my expectations. It feels as if something is missing from the relationship of Kyungsoo and Daeyoung, I think it's because they somewhat lacked development. I never felt those sparks/feelz you get when reading about a super in love couple or when watching strong chemistry between actors in dramas. I know Daeyoung loves Kyungsoo, but I simply don't feel it. The same for Kyungsoo, but his emotions are a tad bit stronger since he held a one-sided crush for quite a while. He fell for her, but I don't see what part of her he's attracted to. Despite the lack of emotions, the couple was still undeniably adorable. Baekhyun was just a plus.

However, I never found the entire plot as addictive as sugar. It didn't hook me instantly, and I wouldn't say the story has any plot twist of the sort. The lack of excitement made the story extremely predictable. Simplicity is nice, but boring is not.

 I'm sorry if this is confusing.     .__.   

Originality: (12/20)

Eh, not very original I'd say. Considering that this story was born because of another fanfic and a movie, it already loses some originality. You also add some other cliche elements that I tend to notice in other stories as well. You lack your own ideas and twists as a writer, making the story easily blend in with the hundreds of thousands of others. You didn't manage to make it truly your own, if I may say.

Language: (10/20)

Oof, I'm deducting a lot of points for this. I already explained and put my tips up in the description and foreword section but I'll just go ahead and elaborate. I'd say language is one of the most important elements in making or breaking a piece of writing. Grammar and spelling mistakes can really add up and are very disruptive when reading a story. No matter how good of a plot you have, it doesn't matter if you cannot even properly convey the plot into writing. And let's face it. English can even if it is considered the "universal" language. So many rules AND exceptions to those rules. -.- I don't blame you. 

Prologue:

Your grammar tenses are incorrect at some points. You're describing Kyungsoo when he was young, so it'd be past tense.

(Original) Even though he’s still so young, he knew there’s no such thing in the world. Until that summer, everything changed...

(Correction) Even though he was so young, he knew there was no such thing in the world. Until that summer, everything changed...

(Original) Actually, climbing the tree was still tolerated for Daeyoung, if only he was not almost 5 m away from the ground.

(Correction) Actually, climbing the tree was still tolerable for Daeyoung, if only he was not almost five meters away from the ground.

(Original) Ignoring his young miss and master’s plead, Kyungsoo, being the eldest continued to reach the red hat.

(Correction) Ignoring his young miss and master’s pleads, Kyungsoo, being the eldest, continued to reach for the red hat.

(Original) Kyungsoo blurrily saw his young miss running towards him before a gush of nauseous feeling hit him and his surroundings suddenly blackened.

(Correction) Kyungsoo blurrily saw his young miss running towards him before a nauseous feeling hit him and his surroundings suddenly blackened.

(Original) Kyungsoo’s father bowed an eyed Kyungsoo.

(Correction) Kyungsoo's father bowed and eyed Kyungsoo.

(Original) But then, he looked up with full determination in his eyes, 

(Correction) But then, he looked up with eyes full of determination,

I don't think a door can be pushed over. Haha.

(Original) Just at that time, the door was pushed over and Daeyoung ran in. 

(Correction) Just at that time, the door was pushed open and Daeyoung ran in.

I cut off the end part because it's unnecessary. You already said the Daeyoung burst into tears.

(Original) Hearing what he said, Daeyoung burst into tears, “How can you said that when it hurts so much?” Daeyoung said between her tears.

(Correction) Hearing what he said, Daeyoung burst into tears, “How can you say that when it hurts so much?”

(Original) Kyungsoo frowned a bit before placing his left hand to wipe Daeyoung’s cheek

(Correction) Kyungsoo frowned a bit before placing his left hand on Daeyoung's cheek to wipe it

(Original) “But how can you protect me with that thin figure? I think with that figure you can be blown away by just a gush of wind, “Daeyoung...

(Correction) “But how can you protect me with that thin figure? I think with that figure, you could be blown away by just a gush of wind," Daeyoung...

(Original) Kyungsoo responded her smile, intertwined their little finger, and replied...

(Correction) Kyungsoo responded to her with a smile, intertwined their little fingers, and replied...

You have the general idea right? I might not have caught everything in the prologue, so I suggest you go through it if you plan to revise the errors throughout all of the chapters. 

Writing Style: (16/20)

Love that your vocabulary is pretty expansive and you are very descriptive with every single scene. I also like that you include the thoughts of multiple characters, but work a little more on conveying more emotions! >< Keep it up though. You drag your sentences out too long sometimes. You insert to many commas and the sentences grow to be unbearably choppy, but that's only from time to time.

Characterization: (20/30)

The characterization for the characters lacked a lot. I can't even say much about them either because they're way too flat and one-dimensional, although they are realistic. Other than that, they lack some spice and depth. It would have been a whole lot better if you delved into the emotions of the characters more, it would have made the story pop more.

For example, what made Kyungsoo fall for his agassi? I know when he feel for her, but not exactly why. Same thing for Daeyoung. When, why, and how did she fall for him? 

Also, I feel like the backstory between Daeyoung and Kai was too vague. They were engaged, yet I didn't find an ounce of love coming from either one. How in the world did people who don't seem interested in each other get into a relationship?

The supporting characters weren't fully utilized to your advantage either. Expanding upon Baekhyun and his relationship with the clumsy Soojung would have been awkwardly funny but loveable. 

Flow: (20/30)

Personally, I think your story could have easily surpassed ten chapters if you took your time to really expand the story. The pace was a bit too quick, and the length definitely limited what you could have possibly done with the story. Also, your sentences are either really long because of numerous commas, or they can be very short. They lack sentence fluency.

Reader's Scope/ Overall Enjoyment (2/5)

Bonus (+3)

Final Score/ Total (136/200) = 68%

A/N:

Sorry for such a late review! I'm usually quick on these things but life got in the way. >< Good luck on the contest! Oh, and keep on writing. Practicing and receiving feedback will help you improve a lot. ^^

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