Review for marmalody // Reviewed by: exoticmermaid

Title and Story link:  

Giclée (Completed, one-shot)

Title:

I think your title is pretty and short—I love one word titles. I like the way you use French instead of English to make it even more interesting; it gave me the impression that it's a tranlated story or something and the fact that the word "Giclee" is catchy (and funny to pronounce) is a plus. And hand sanitiser. It really made me wonder "What's wrong with a hand sanitiser?", though one of my guesses was the main character must have an OCD or a mere clean freak, it still made me curious.

Overall Appearance:

I don't really like your poster. It's pretty, with both Kris and Tao's face looked blissful and fluffy, but I wouldn't have guessed that Tao had an mysophobia/OCD with the happy expression he got in the poster—although the white/bright colour used gave me a hint about that. In my opinion, his face should've looked a little bit scared. Kris' face fits his character in the story though, since he looked like a total tease in love. The font used also didn't really have the comedy/fluff vibe; especially because the colours used are red and black. The background is simple and I have no problem with it. I think the font size in the Description is a little bit too small, but it's still acceptable.

Description and Foreword:

Your description is a little bit too revealing and you pointed out the fact that Tao hated germs too much to the point where it kind of turned off the mood for reading. If you don't mind, here's a suggestion for the description (keep in mind that this is from my point of view).

Original: 

Germs, bacteria, everywhere you look; touch; smell, germs are absolutely everywhere.

Tao hates germs.

He hates every little thing about them and how they are basically everywhere. So wherever he goes, Tao carries a protective bottle of hand sanitiser.

He also doesn't like to touch and he doesn't like to be touched. Why? Because people have germs and if they touch Tao, their germs will stick to him!

He really cannot stand germs unless if it's by Kris, of course. Kris is an exception.

Suggestion:

Germs are everywhere. Everywhere you look; touch; smell, germs will be there.

Tao hates germs.

He hates every little thing about them, so wherever he goes, Tao carries a protective bottle of hand sanitiser.

He also doesn't like to touch and he doesn't like to be touched, because people have germs and if they touch Tao, their germs will stick to him.

But there's always an exception.

The first part is a little confusing because of the order of words and I erased the word 'bacterias' since you only talked about germs after that so I don't se the need to use it. About the third part, I erased some words because you already stressed in the first part that germs are everywhere, so don't need to be repetitive. For the last part, I think it would be better if you didn't reveal the exception (although it's obvious) and, again, you already stressed how much Tao hates germs.

The foreword is mainly credits and I think you managed to arrange them nicely. The trailer is nice to see, but it's not really a trailer in my opinion. It's more like an advertisement of a Valentine edition short story and it has nothing to do with hand sanitiser or mysophobic so it's not that amazing to me.

Plot:

To me, the idea of this story is too show how much Tao hates germs and how much Kris is such a sweet boyfriend who can cure Tao's phobia even just for a minute. It's really simple, fluffy, sweet and funny—all the thing that had your readers squealing and smiling—but it's not really interesting, since you didn't picture Tao's phobia and OCD as a really bad thing; just like a mere obssession with hand sanitiser. You focused too much in showing us Tao's mysophobia and how he uses hand sanitiser that you don't reveal how could Kris be the only exception in the first place. It would be nice to know how Tao managed to defeat the mysophobia when he's around Kris other than the fact that Kris is hot and sweet and stuff. The part where he met Luhan is pretty pointless to me, since they only talked about Tao's plan with Kris later that night. Might be nice if Luhan could a little more. You also should've told us more about Tao's previous life, like how he became a mysophobia, but since it's a one-shot, I think it's already satisfying—and really, really adorable.

Originality: 

I've read a story where Kris had a boyfriend who also had a mysophobia and OCD in cleaning his body and house, so your story didn't really surprise me. Most of the scenes are too cheesy, like the one in novels. It would be nice if you added some twists or some scenes from your own to make it different from other stories.

Language:

The story's language is perfect. There are no major mistakes and I don't find any eye-catching typos, so congratulations! You and your beta have done a really great job!

Writing Style:

You wrote the story in a simple way that makes it easy to understand. You wrote it using the third person POV, but it focused in Tao, and I like it since we can know what's on his mind—the way you wrote Tao's thought is really cute. Each scenes were written in a playful manner, which is good since the story is labelled as comedy, and they're also pretty detailed too—though it would be nice if it's more detailed, especially about the settings—in describing the office part and their movie date part, so it's easy to get the fluffy and comedy feels.

Characterization:

Tao, in this one-shot, is pictured as a clumsy, shy mysophobic who embarrasses himself in front of everyone because of his phobia. I found it kind of weird how could he be pretty bold in the end when he was so shy in front of Kris at first—because it all happened in the same day—but I figured that must be because of love~ His personalities are realistic—he could be snarky, like what he did when he was with Tao, and turned into a fluffy mess in front of Kris like a 14-year-old boy who had a big crush on his senior.

I'm a little disappointed about Kris' character. I know this is a one-shot and its main focus is Tao and his phobia, but it would be nice to see another side of Kris other than just a hot yet sweet boyfriend. The way you potrayed him made it feel like he's just a minor character, not somebody who has the power to cure someone's phobia. Try to give something more into his character if the contests' deadlines still allowed you to~

Flow:

The flow is pretty nice for a one-shot; not too slow or too fast since it was all happened in a day. Of course, I would like it very much if it was longer, but a sneak peak into Tao's mysophobic life is good too. The transitions between the scenes are good and there's nothing confusing in your story.

Reader's Scope/ Overall Enjoyment: 

As a reader, to me your story is so fluffy, it choked me to death. It's light and enjoyable and fluffy and fluff and fluff. I still want to know more about Tao's phobia; maybe a sequel? *wink*

A/N:

I tried to be as detailed as I could, but since your story is not that long, there's not much to say. I think I might be too harsh, so I apologized if I said somethig offensive. Good luck on the writing contest!

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