Review for Theangelvampire (et al.)// Reviewed by: Fantascape

Title and Story link:  

Vengeance (On-going, reviewed with 3 chapters)

Title: (19/20)

The title was suprisingly quite simple for a fic with such an intricate plot. Single-word titles tend to display both pros and cons in the usage of the fic. The pros include the fact that its simplicity makes it easier to remember and that it leaves a slight air of mystery. The cons, however, include the fact that it can be easily replicated and it may not do the story justice. In this fic's case, I believe this title perhaps underwhelms it. 'Vengeance' is a name that hundreds of fics have donned, and quite a few of them were EXO-related. Personally, I see a title as an opportunity to reel a reader in and capture their interest. Instead of just making a title what the ever-present theme of the story is (in this case, the theme is vengeance), you could easily use a play on words! Give a bit of clever thought to it so the reader is baffled and maybe a bit stunned. It's taking a risk, yes, but it's a risk that could very well serve to your advantage. Think on phrases like how revenge and whatnot is a dish 'best served cold' and maybe mold it to your own design. The title is simple, catchy, but it holds no unique quality. It's easier to remember than something like "Vengeance- A Dish Best Served Dead" or something, but it's also a bit less impressive.  

Overall Appearance: (4/5) 

The poster was beautiful, so for that I must commend your choice of shop! The array of dark colors overlayed with tints and swirling patterns give it this 'glasslike' feel- much like the windows of a cathedral. It enhances the mystery and darkness of the story, but it's also borderline busy... I think the artist should have shaded the characters' faces a bit more to make them stand out amongst the brandishes of white. Also, the artist spelled 'vengeance' incorrectly... It's an honest mistake that can definitely be fixed. The set-up of the paragraphs gives a wonderful, solid structure without breaking too much for dialogue. However, I feel the need to address the layout of the chapters...

Chapter 1 was actually difficult to read. Amidst the black background, you made the font small and grey. It works to enhance the gothic feel, especially when coupled with the candelabrum and velvety patterns. It's lovely, but a bit strenuous on the eyes. Chapter 2 had this flowery theme combined with a steampunk twist (the gears). It was a stunning design and far easier to behold with the white screen. Chapter 3 is my absolute favorite though with its simplicity- a blank white screen with only a black mask embroidering the top. Overall, the themes are beautiful! But this reminds me of someone who just discovered the joy of layouts for the first time... I imagine that you were exposed to so many themes and designs that you liked- all of which fit your 'concept'- and decided to switch out with each chapter. It takes the syncronicity of the overall story away, in my opinion, and makes it appear more so like a handful of 'drabbles' or one-shots. I think you should pic one layout and work with that one for all chapters to sort of unify them. Also, it would help to make the font just a notch larger to help your readers. Overall, it's lovely, but slightly overwhelming, as it takes focus from the story. You never want anything to distract from the writing, even if it's the story's background.

Description and Foreword: (17/20)

Once again, you display your usage of layouts and designs in the description. I'm much more partial to this one because you cleverly employed the 'psychotic letter' set-up and used your layout to further enhance it. I thought it was brilliant, and it thoroughly fed my inner Goth. However, I personally would have changed the font of the letter to make it appear slightly more handwritten. There were quite a few typos here and there (you don't need the 's' in "beliefs", add that 's' to "matter"). The P.S. also sounded a bit choppy...

Your words: "Minds and souls are often lost when hate breeds. Logic no longer matter. All they want is a taste of blood of the one they hate. Never try to battle with a person with hatred. In the end, you are the one who will ultimately lose the most, even if it seems that you have won."

My correction: Minds and souls are often lost when hate breeds, and logic is tossed to the wind. The only desire is a taste of blood from the one they hate. For this, you must never start a battle with a person of hatred. In the end, you are the one who will ultimately lose the most... Even if it seems that you've won...

The foreword was...busy. It was thankfully very informative, but so revealing. Your foreword gave the basics of every character and even their relationships. Personally, I find nothing wrong with giving a slight character bio before the story, but it has to be incredibly limited. You don't want to practically reveal the story to the readers. I know you probably have many twists and turns in mind that aren't in the foreword, but as a reader, I immediately assumed I knew where the story would head. Why? Because you've mapped out so much information. A foreword that long is prone to scaring others away, or at least thinking the story may be too complex. And in actuality, your story is very complex, but I'll get to that soon... I, personally, would get rid of the entire 'others' section. There's no need to tell us this if you can easily convey it in the story. Leave us some information to find out on our own, you know? A story with so many characters is bound to strike confusion, but that's the challenge in writing fics like this one. Such smaller, side characters will have to fade in the background. Highlight who the audience truly needs to know.

Plot: (16/30)

As much as I love murder-mysteries, I couldn't really get to enjoy this one like I wanted to. Don't get me wrong! I loved the aspect of character-switching and the fact that you touched into the lives of so many individuals who I presume will soon converge. I find that clever and incredibly risky- both things that make me admire you as a writer! But I believe you requested this review way too early. Nothing has truly happened just yet... In fact, I think the story was just about to truly get rolling in Chapter 3 before you ended up asking for a review. For that, I can only grade you on what I've seen and what I'm presented with- not what I think will happen...

I'm honestly not sure who the story revolves around... It begins with Kris Wu, a prominent news anchor who witnessed his mother's death right before his eyes as a child. From what I gather, he attained this position to help catch the fiend who did this, or to at least ensure that others like him see justice. There's the police station and Team Alpha, but honestly I have no idea what their role in all of this will be yet... All I know is that Kai will/does have a vendetta against one of their own- Do Kyungsoo. Speaking of Kai, it seems that he's a murderer... I'm not entirely sure what sparked his thirst for blood, but I'm sure it'll be explained further soon. He meets a girl, falls in love, and apparently changes his ways (for now...). Then there are other snippets of side characters like Luhan (soccer-player) and his lover, Sehun, plus other characters that haven't been introduced yet. It's quite a bustling fic, and I found myself more occupied with understanding who's who and who feels a certain way with who, than truly understanding and enjoying the story.

The plot in and of itself seems like it will be simple enough, but I think far too much emphasis is being placed on characters that essentially don't matter. That's not to say you should get rid of them! I love their quirky attitudes and the 'realism' they gift to the story. But with that said, they all seem to be given side stories and plots like one big soap opera. Unless you plan to make this fic over 40 chapters long, I would suggest you reign the focus in on the primary characters- the ones in the poster. There's no need for us to see Kris's daily routine or HunHan's predicament. If anything, I thought that Kyungsoo would play a major role, but it's the third chapter and so far he was only mentioned twice...

Originality: (18/20)

Police!AU's aren't unseen in the EXO fandom- mainly because there are so many members that it only seems fitting to make them into a police force! Regardless, fics revolving around murders or mysteries always score well with me because it takes a truly clever mind to think like a psychopath or to develop an elaborate ruse for the villian to enact. I found this story to stand out above other mystery/suspense fics in that it presents itself much like a dramatic cop show. There are many characters- some of which have nothing to do with the killer or the police- who apparently will play a role in the overall story. It's confusing and incredibly tricky to keep up with each character and said character's story, so I give you credit for pulling that off! I found Kai's overall 'desire' to be lacking, but I'll explain that further in the Characterization section. Regardless, in terms of originality, I haven't seen many fics that have taken a Police!AU and morphed it into this level. Even if it doesn't meet my personal taste, it's really quite unique!

Language: (15/20)

You seem to have a very unique way of writing, but my concern is whether or not it appropriately fits this genre. I'll get into that more below in the Writing Style section. For now, I want to focus on other aspects of this fic. I believe I said this before, but I'd love to see a bit more description in your fic. You have so many characters and sub-stories to focus on, but they shouldn't take precedence over the detail you add to the fic. Detail, in essence, is everything. It's what allows the reader to understand the story and truly be immersed in it. Detail is what sparks a tear at the slaying of a pregnant woman. Detail is what speeds up the heartbeat as the killer approaches a young girl from behind. It's what gives your fic life, and I believe you're almost there... There are some moments that I wish were suspended... For instance, you suspended the first murder scene (of Kris's mother) rather well, but if the story doesn't revolve around that murderer, then why tell it in his POV? Why not tell it from the POV of Kris, the child who will grow to become a news anchor and play more parts in the story? The scene in which Kai approaches Thora could have very well been drawn out... He could have imagined the feel of her warm liquid life as it flowed from her wounds. He could have imagined her shriek of terror and compared it to the crescendo of an orchestral piece. There's so much room for additions in that moment, that I was surprised to see how sped up it was.

In terms of technicality, I found quite a few errors in spelling and grammar. They were a bit frequent but they didn't seem to hold too many patterns, so I think they can easily be fixed by getting a native English-speaking beta-reader to edit them- someone other than the coauthors you already have. There will always be typos in a story (as there are bound to be quite a few in this review), but I think the story will flow so much better if you could get rid of as many as possible. The grammar seemed rather choppy in certain parts, but not enough to truly distract from the story. I also found a few tense issues and wondered if what I was reading was narrated from the past or present...

Writing Style: (15/20)

Stories like this one- in which there is a sociopathic killer and a team who seeks after him- usually want to uphold a certain type of style. There should be a smoothness towards the narration- a flow that stretches like velvet against the sentences. A story like this does well to uphold suspense, but you'll need a 'suspension'. You don't have to state everything so bluntly... Rather, leave us guessing by elaborating on certain details and drawing in on darker themes when the time calls for it. For instance:

Your words: "It was a rainy night. The winds were merciless. Hardly anyone was out and he was hungry, hungry for blood."

My correction: The rain was almost cosmic in the heavy winds- splattering about his feet and running down his face in rivulets. Blood... It reminded him so much blood. And he was desperately hungry for it.

I looked for complexity in the diction and a dark beauty to describe the overall setting and scene changes. In fics like this in which POVs change and settings change with them, it's important to ensure that you're attaining each character's unique voice. Kris's POV should sound differently from Kai's POV and Kyungsoo's, etc. Give the story that subtle shift with slightly different usages of slang or attention to detail. Allow us to see each character's personality when the POV switches to that character- it doesn't only have to exist in the dialogue. I totally understand that everyone writes differently, but I think it would be best to try and attain a smoother 'feel' to your writing.  

Characterization: (20/30)

Judging this story's characterization is tricky, mainly because of the fact that you're emphasizing so many characters. You've pointed out who the main characters are as opposed to the side ones, and yet the side characters have received just as much attention. It's also very early on in the fic, so I don't have a grasp on the main ones just yet. Zella is listed as a side character, and yet I've seen more of her than a few of the main ones. Her personality stands out far more than the main characters, as well, as she seems headstrong and dedicated to her work. Jing- yet another side character- is also given quite a bit of spotlight as Kris's responsible right hand who apparently takes crap from no one.

Then there's Kai... Honestly, I expected so much from his character. I hope that the fact that it's still so early is the only thing not doing him justice. He was introduced at the end of the very first chapter, as he comes upon his next victim. You set up a bit of suspense, and led well into the next chapter... And... That was it. All the girl- Thora- does is turn around and ask him a question that only serves to display her naivety. And he fell for her instantly... I was a bit disappointed because I was hoping for more than that, I was hoping that those big doe eyes wouldn't be enough to phase him- a man who supposedly has killed before. I was hoping that there would have been a struggle, a moment in which he faced an internal conflict instead of giving into his whim so easily. It was a tragic fall that too greatly demolished the prime character of the story. That doesn't mean he won't change... It's clear you have big plans for Kai in the future! But at this point, he struck me as flighty and not a serious threat... It was a bit juvenile for him to be swooned so easily.

Thora... The second I read her description in the foreword, I was incredibly wary. She's described as: "A lovely, innocent girl. She is too good to be true." Jesus, please no... Every word used to depict her almost made her into a Mary-Sue. I'm praying that you've set her up that way because she has ulterior motives- that she's actually a plotting, nasty little thing that serves to wreak havoc on Kai once she's done with him. Please, don't ever, EVER, put a character in a story without flaws. Innocence can be a flaw in and of itself, especially in a fic where danger lurks in every corner (or page)... But in this case, if that innocence doesn't kill her or if it's not shredded as she comes to grips with reality- then it has no place here.

I can't say much for Kyungsoo because he hasn't taken much precedence yet... I also can't say much for 'Iridis', as I don't even think she's been introduced yet... On that note, I hope you explain why these characters have nicknames like 'Thora' and 'Iridis' instead of going by the natural ones you provided... I've always been wary around OC's because authors have this nasty habit of pouring themselves into that OC. They make the story more inclusive of that character, even if he or she isn't the main one. Zella and Jing are perfect examples of this. They appear far more than they should and have a more solid voice than other characters... Tone them down much more and work on emphasizing who truly is and who is not. The score I've given you for this section is higher mainly because you have so many characters to keep track of and unravel. It's a skill that I truly admire.

Flow: (24/30)

I mentioned this before, that the story flows in some places and is rather choppy in many others. There are quite a few technical errors and POV-switchings, making the fic lose its 'velvety' feel. By swapping among so many characters, it jolts the reader and can make it seem less like a unified story and more like a handful of drabbles. You have a knack for setting up suspense, but I think there could have been a few other things that were drawn out. Feel free to add details and depictions, give the scene a certain quality to it as well so that we can truly 'see' where the characters are. Read your sentences aloud and see if you catch quite a few run-ons like I did. 

Your words: "Her children would suffer at her death and finally, someone would understand what he felt and experienced - the pain of losing a loved one, the heart wrenching experience where you helplessly watch your loved one in agony, bleeding to her death right in front of you, and yet you were unable to do anything to relieve her pain."

It's hard to say that sentence above without taking a breath- it shouldn't be like that. Syntax is just as important to a story as detail. The way a sentence is set up will determine the effect it has on the reader's mental narraration.

Reader's Scope/ Overall Enjoyment: (4/5) 

Regardless of how I may have sounded in this review, I truly did enjoy your fic. Suspense and mystery are things that grab most people's attention. They're so much more jarring than something as predictable as romance or tragedy. A plot with a psychopath is immediately far more interesting, because they don't think like we do... Don't have standards when you write Kai's piece. It seems he's meant to be complex and charming- someone capable of luring others in, not someone who's easy to lure. I did like how the focus switched among characters, but I found so many side stories... It was as if you were trying to cram in as much as you could. It made it difficult to grasp the main story, but what I did grasp was pretty enjoyable.

Bonus: (+8) 

I'm giving you this 'bonus' mainly because of how much work you're putting into this fic. It's not easy to craft a story that circles around so many characters. I truly hope that they all come to a convergence at some point... Until then, you have a rigorous job ahead of you!

Final Score/ Total (160/200) = 80%

A/N:

I sincerely wanted to reiterate that everything I said was of good conscience. I see so much potential in this fic- so if it seemed like I was being harsh, it was only out of love. I truly think this fic can go so very far! I believe, though, that you had it reviewed too early... With so many characters and side-stories, the main plot hasn't even begun yet. I think you should cut down on the focus you place on the 'other' characters and work on developing your main ones. The others can have cameo appearances, but anything more would detract from the plot. I think you should work on the smoothness of your writing and perhaps find a way to give each POV its own voice. Overall, I can tell that you guys will be incredibly busy with this one. I enjoyed reading and reviewing this fic, and I'm grateful for your patience! I wish you all the best!

**