Review for MasterTrollSama // Reviewed by: ordinary_days01

Title and Story link:  

The Downfall of Oh Sehun (Completed, oneshot)

Title: (18/20)

I found your title to be intriguing from the start. Actually, when I seen you requested for a review, I immediately copy and pasted the link. It's good that you could already pull me in with just looking at the title. But after reading the story, I feel it doesn't fit anymore. The story isn't really focused on Sehun as much as should've been, hence I think it should be changed. I think you should look for something a little more general (something that can apply to everyone) because you did other characters point of views instead of only Sehun. 

Overall Appearance: (5/5)

I can't really critique you on a poster/background since you don't have one but judging from the format of the description/foreword and chapter, I really liked it. I thought the font was nice to look at and a stark difference. I don't usually see stories using other fonts than the default so I loved the way it looked. I think if you did decide to add some color to your story though, you should get a dark background to set the dark, angsty mood. (You don't have to. It's merely my opinion.)

Description and Foreword: (18/20)

Reading the foreword, I had one problem. The overuse of the word is. I  like when author's use a variety of words but, you didn't. The description was fairly intriguing and mysterious but I would've liked to see more colorful words. I liked the way you formatted it. It was pleasant to look at. Overall, I wasn't completely disappointed.

Plot: (24/30)

I did find you plot interesting in the beginning. The first few paragraphs were so well written, I couldn't help but think this would be an awesome story. I loved the good luck, bad luck and randomness thing you had going on. I've never see stories that addressed those things so great job. But as the story progressed, I began getting concerned and confused. Some things really seemed like they were thrown in there and I had to take a second think, 'wait, what?' because I just wasn't getting the drift. 

The believability and realistic-ness started to fade, also. For example, when Yixing and Victoria were in the bathroom and Luhan showed up out of nowhere and then he suddenly pulled out a sword and beheaded Victoria, I couldn't wrap my head around it because it was too abrupt. I actually found that part funny (idk why, just started to laugh). And from then on, I couldn't take the story seriously anymore. I wish you would've wrote in a way that I could actually believe what was happening. You kind of lost me. 

Originality: (19/20)

Though your plot didn't turn out as good as I hoped, the originality was spot on. Your story was unique and I think would be particularly memorable for me. You had amazing plot twists—though they weren't as believable as I hoped. Your fic didn't bore me in the least.

Language: (16/20)

The language was okay. As I sort of stated above, I noticed you overused a few words. For example, you used the word whilst a lot. I was beginning to get tired of read the same word over and over again. Look for synonyms. It'll make the story a whole lot more interesting to read. There were a few small mistakes that I saw but they were merely typos. I don't think I have to suggest you get a beta-reader but I think you should look over your work as closely as you can to get rid of those small errors.  

There's just a few mistakes I'd like to point out: 

Original: "Although", he added, adding a sly grin on his face.

Correction: "Although," he added, a sly grin spreading on his face.

>The correct way to format dialogue and also, the word add was used too much. So I changed it up to make it flow better.

Original: "Aw, don't be mad at me." He chortled toward Sehun sarcastically, moving his arm away.

Correction: "Aw, don't be mad at me," he chortled toward Sehun sarcastically, moving his arm away.

>Also the correct way to format dialogue.

Original: The next second was even worse as everyone pointed as stared at him, causing him to burn red with panic and huge amounts of embarrassment, his mind burning, shoving back the memory of it. 

Correction: The next second was even worse as everyone point and stared at him, causing him to turn red out of panic and huge amounts of embarrassment—his mind burning, shoving back the memory of it.

>I found myself reading the first part of this sentence over and over, trying to make sense of what you were getting at, but I wasn't understanding. I believe it was a typo (yes? no?) but I changed it up a bit. 

Writing Style: (19/20)

I loved how you described the characters emotions. I think this was your best attribute. I felt like I could feel what the characters were feeling. The insanity and confusion and pain. It was all there. And so was the angst. The very last paragraph really made me sad. It was well written. I only have to take off a point for the repetition and the minimal range of word use. There's not much else I have to say. 

Characterization: (26/30)

I didn't particularly have a favorite character but I think you portrayed them just fine. The insaneness of Luhan, Yifan, Tao, Minseok, and Jongdae just kind of creeped me out though, especially Luhan. He just showed up and killed people and I wasn't understanding his character. Then with Yifan, Tao, Minseok, and Jongdae being behind the whole thing and kind of each other was just too much. It was unusual. I liked that they all connected to each other (excluding Tao, Minseok and Jongdae) somehow, though.

Flow: (27/30)

Your story was fairly easy to follow but there were some moments when I got confused. For example, when it said three months later and then it just suddenly said Sehun had passed away but then later in the story, he was apparently murdered. I didn't get it. Did he pass away or was he murdered? I would suggest trying to clearly state what you want to get across the first time. Other than that, there were some choppy sentences that I had to kind of draw my own conclusions as to what you were trying to say. But it mostly had to do with a misspelled word or grammatical error. You're pace I didn't think was too fast, or too slow, but just right. You kept things consistent and you didn't switch from past to present too much which is something I really enjoyed.

Reader's Scope/ Overall Enjoyment (4/5)

Bonus (+3)

Final Score/ Total (179/200) = 89.5%

A/N:

I apologize for the super late review and for it being really short but I hope it help at least some. I enjoyed reading dark angst and insaneness and great job!

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