Review for Aheartzu// Reviewed by: Fantascape

Title and Story link:  

The Romance of Rivals (Ongoing, reviewed with 11 chapters)

Title: (9/20)

The title is...snazzy. I'll be honest, it's a bit lackluster. I like the fact that it's obvious enough to give the story's theme away. It leaves no questioning for what this fic is about and what the readers will be in for. However, I think it has room for a bit of poeticism. You can definitely edit it into something that rolls off of the tongue better. Say "The Romance of Rivals" aloud and it sounds a bit clunky. It's not too lengthy in terms of syllables, but it just doesn't have that phoenetic eloquence that I'm sure it can have. Perhaps you could consider something like "Romantic Rivalry"- something that's shorter but still gives the meaning while sounding easier on the lips. You could also think about "Rivals and Romance" or "Of Rivals and Romance". The double 'r' sounds add a lovely alliteration, whether you meant it that way or not, so I'd definitely keep the words 'romance' and 'rival(ry)' like that. However, I understand you probably can't alter it now since the poster has been completed.

Overall Appearance: (2/5) 

The poster you chose is so adorable! It's quirky and bright, giving off the comedic aspect of the fic. The gender-specific clash of baby blue and light pink also add to the rivalry theme, while adding a lovely appeal to the background. I also think the maker of the poster chose good photos of the two idols, capturing their playful banter in an effective way. It's also very simple. More often than not, people love to choose these overly-complex posters that hurt the eyes and scream overkill. A poster that's as straightforward as this one befits romcom fics like this one. However, I'll have to add that the poster is incredibly large. You don't have any tiny text that would call for such a blown up image. You could easily resize it if you wanted to something smaller without taking up so much space and having the pic in the reader's face.

I have to dedicate a paragraph to talking about the appearance of everything else because, honestly it needs this space. There's SO MUCH going on in just the first page (before the story even begins). First off, I love how you color-coded the dialogue in the description. It separates their words without you having to put "Choa said..." and whatnot, while also adding the fic's light nature. But you could decrease the size of the font... Actually, you could decrease all the font. Basically, I wouldn't go above a 14-point font in ANY fic unless the font was for the title or subtitle of something. I'd also go ahead and fix the coloration beneathe exchange. Choa's part is riddled with words that are pink, black, and dark grey. There are also like 5 different font faces in it... Just stick to ONE font type (unless it's a title or subtitle, of course) and go with that. It makes the dialogue look less unified if you keep it as is. I swore that those words were changing POV's or owners, at some point... The little flag divider is adorable, but again, make the image a bit smaller. There's so much color in the foreword and description that it's almost overwhelming. I'm at war with myself because, as much as I love how bright it is, it's almost too much to take in and comment on...

Now for the actual chapters. I'm not a big fan of the 'one line per sentence' set up. That sort of thing should only happen in a poem... In a story or fic, it just makes it look like you're trying to add length. Instead of allowing the sentences to flow, it forces me to drag my eyes right back to the beginning of the next line. It's not really burdensome, but it's also not necessary. I love how you enlarged and bolded the first letter of each POV, though, much like in novels. However, I don't think you necessarily have to put who's speaking in each POV. I'm a beginning writer, myself, and my first comment on my first (and only) story was by a wonderful user who adviced me about the same thing. She said it was a personal pet peeve of hers, but basically she doesn't think good writers need to label their POVs. If the writer is creative and resourceful enough, they should be able to convey to the readers that the POV has switched without having to spell it out for them. It made so much sense to me then, and I'll be telling you the same thing now. You don't need it. Just put a divider if you like, but as long as you make it clear and differentiate Sehun's "voice" from Choa's while also emphasizing the 'him' and 'her', you're good!

Description and Foreword: (14/20)

So now that I've talked about the appearance of the description and foreword, I can use this section to focus on the content! In the description, I love the back-and-forth banter between the two lovebirds. It reads in the same clipped way that I'd image they'd say it. I'm surprised though that only Choa received a monologue (even if it's mainly about her), because the POV switches almost equally between both her and Sehun. I often tell authors that providing a lengthy character bio is unecessary if they've portrayed the character(s) thoroughly enough. However, yours is so humorous and it fits pretty well with the fic. I really don't find them necessary, but I can't say they don't add to the fic's comedic theme. The description is long though... SO. VERY. LONG. If anything, shortening the font will help, but I'd also get rid of the 'EXO K' info. Honestly, you don't need it. Side characters don't really need to take up such space at the preview of the fic. Your advertisements and warnings are also pretty large too. Don't feel the need to take up so much space... Make it smaller so that it's easier to take in and absorb. I love the fact that you have a color scheme, but again, you might want to make it consistent. 

You stuffed the description so chockful of 'stuff' that the foreword looked so tiny in comparison. In actuality, that's the length it should be. You gave enough in it without giving too much. I know that one of those sections has to have the ads and quirks, etc. But really, just make the font smaller (12 or 14 point font) and eliminate anything unnecessary. As for the foreword itself, it was very well said. I loved the way you ended it as it began (with "Of ing Sehun"). I would shorten the font and correct this one sentence though (because it sounds a bit choppy):

Your words: "And guess who just happens to still be alive and breathing and is at the same city, same college, and same building too?"

My correction: "And guess who's still alive and breathing and just so happens to be in the same city?... And college... And in fact, the same building..." (The syntax technically isn't proffesional, but this can be pulled off in a fanfic- especially in a comedic one.)

Plot: (29/30)

So basically, the story revolves around the unfortunate run-in between two young rivals who are forced to pretend like they're lovers. Of course, at some point, I assume they actually will become lovers... The plot-line is unoriginal and pretty predictable, which is why I couldn't give it a perfect score. Regardless, it scored high enough due to it's quirky scenes and splendid comedy. Seriously, I enjoyed every minute of this fic. I made a terrible mistake of judging the fic by its layout because it seemed like something that would be rushed, and thus poorly-written. However, I absolutely adore the circumstances you've entwined these two in. It takes true creative genius to be able to pull out such fun scenarios without making them look too obviously like plot-devices and set-ups. There wasn't a single moment in the fic when I didn't have a giant, watermelon smile on my face.

Really though, I'm sorry this section is so short... I don't really have any complaints. In comedic stories like this where there isn't much emphasis in 'depth' or 'emotion', I can't really judge your plot that harshly. All I can really look at is the uniqueness of the fic, the memorable characterization, and the usage of comedic situations. Your fic's unique qualities and characters will be discussed in the 'Originality' and 'Characterization' sections respectively. Here, all I can say is that your fic brought up my day on so many levels. As an avid reader of angst and drama, it's refreshing to see something so cute every now and again!

Originality: (10/20)

As I briefly covered above, the story (while immensely entertaining) isn't very original. There are lots of fics and dramas that begin with an adorable boy/girl rivalry and end somehow in romance. The main difference between these plots is just how the romance sparks. At that point, the whole of your originality was riding on how you chose to implement their romance. They haven't fallen for each other yet, so I can't truly judge that... But from what I've seen so far, it was spurred by Luhan's cameo appearance. Personally, I don't see why Choa didn't just correct Sehun right then and there. Why'd they resort to pretend-dating, when they could have just been like "It's a lie, I swear..."? Are they afraid of being mocked by their peers for lying or seeming desperate? I don't really see what basis this fell on, and since the premise thereafter rode on that one scene, it took just a bit away from the enjoyment. The 'pretend-dating-until-it's-not-so-pretend' spheal has been done many times before, I can't give you much for originality. I will though, give you points on the originality of the circumstances that surround them. The 'little' things (like scenes and characterization) are what actually gave this fic its flavor.

Language: (16/20)

In terms of the technical aspect of your writing, you've done well. This section is dedicated mostly to things like spelling and grammar errors, so expect a few corrections. Overall, your spelling was consistent. I did notice numerous tense changes through out the fic, but those could be caught and fixed by a beta-reader. There were a few choppy sentences here and there, along with some incorrect syntax. Regardless, your language was simple and easy to take in. Because of the lighthearted, informality of the fic, I was able to take your mistakes with a grain of salt. Anyway, here are mistakes I noticed that could probably be editted:

Chapter 1

Your words: "The EXO members were ing all week and planning one last hurrah before college started so here we were, on a Saturday night, at Uaham Nightclub, dancing our asses off and buying every shot we could afford."

My correction: "The EXO members had ed all week and planned one last 'hurrah' before college started. So here we were on a Saturday night, dancing our asses off and buying every shot we could afford at Uaham Nightclub." (This broke up the length a bit...)

Chapter 2

Your words: "I looked up to where the members stood, a set of amused grins plastered on their faces, except Chanyeol, who was laid out on the couch in the hospital lobby, drunk, and yelling at nurses to, I quote, “put out the fire in my pants.”"

My correction: "I looked up to where the members stood, a set of amused grins plastered on their faces- except for Chanyeol who was laid out on the hospital lobby's couch, drunk and yelling at nurses to, quote, "put out the fire in my pants"." (You'd be amazed at the miracles that semicolons and dashes do for run-on sentences.)

Writing Style: (19/20)

Overall, your writing is wonderful! I got past the technical bit, so now I can gush over the spice of the writing itself. I absolutely love people who can effectively use curse words without being too obvious with them. I mean, who the can ing take so much damn ty words in just one ing fic? ... But really, it just adds to the hilarity of this fic. I also like how the fic centers mostly on dialogue. Now bear in mind, this is a first coming from a detail- like myself... But honestly, I found the lack of description to be more helpful than hindering to the comedy. You described what needed to be described, and as to-the-point as you could. At the very least, you kept it consistent, so I'm totally fine with it. But because the bulk of the fic focuses on what the character's say, I had no choice but to rate your writing style based on dialogue. Really though, I loved the dialogue... I love the character quips and adorable comebacks. I found myself laughing at each circumstance- regardless of how predictable some of them were. Your style is unique in that it doesn't serve to take time and paint imagery unless it's to enhance the situation. Even then, you don't go into very much detail. It's new for me, but I truly did find it entertaining. I can honestly say that not many can pull that off with me, but you were one of the first!

Characterization: (25/30)

So can I just take the time to elaborate on how well you did with the characterization? You made it so that I could clearly and definitively see each of the main characters and attune to their unique voices. Again, you really don't need the charrie bios because you portrayed each of their personas so well. I understood thoroughly how each character felt in relationship towards one another. I also deeply admired how you were able to stay so in-character, even during the POV-switches. A lot of writers admittedly begin to meld their character voices together during switches when they don't mean to, and the two individual personalities begin to sound far too similar. There wasn't much need for the subtitles of their POVs because I could clearly tell Choa apart from Sehun as they spoke. You highlighted blatant aspects of their qualities well enough that such wasn't needed.

I also admired how you didn't become 'lazy' and allow them to break character as the situations became difficult. As a writer too (novice, as I may be), I understand how writing a lengthy fic can be a bit cumbersome. At times, you just wanna make the character relent a bit too early or act in a way that makes it easier on you. But I'm so glad you didn't... I'm so glad that Sehun's 'truce' didn't truly stick. Even as they fell into their routine of pretend, their distaste for one another still took precedence. I love how- even though it was obvious that they were begrudgingly physically attracted to one another- they still hated each other. Not once did Choa's heart 'skip a beat', even after seeing Sehun in a speedo... Nor did Sehun feel the 'strange urge to protect Choa' when he saw how uncomfortable she was around Luhan. You're taking it nice and slow, which is how I'd expect their relationship to progress. It's believable and truly a testament to your dedication. 

As for the characters individually, I love Choa's brazen attitude. She's attracted the other members, but she's not at all a Mary-Sue. She's presented with physical (lack of 'age') and behavioral flaws (her stubbornness) that save her from such a title and make her more relatable. She's also known to be second in terms to Sehun, so she's clearly far from perfect. Regardless, she's so strong and likable! I also love the way that she's an independent woman who doesn't feel the need to sell herself and bend over for some guy. This could be my deep, inner feminist (ew) that's speaking, but I approve! As for Sehun, he seems to be the epitome of perfection in terms of his achievements... However, you've ed up his personality so well that he's also quite entertaining. He's not some aloof, perfect schoolboy that all the girls admire. Instead, he's a conceited, pretty-boy, lips-attached-firmly-to-his- schoolboy that all the girls admire. This may sound a bit sadistic, but I love how he's constantly beaten by Choa. Of course, I don't condone domestic (or regular) violence, but in its comedic form (and given the fact that he deserves it more often than not), I can accept it. Really, though, these two are gold!

I can't say much about the side characters (teachers, EXO-K, Dohee, etc.) because they don't take nearly as much precedence. I will say, though, that the boys almost began to sound alike at one point. If you'll be mentioning more of the side charries, make sure that they too have their own unique personas. They can be funny, but in a different light (one can overuse sarcasm, another can be a bit too blunt, another can have a penchant for dirty innuendos, another can be overly innocent and thus a bit slower, etc.). Overall, I think my only complaint about the characterization (other than the side charries, who don't essentially matter too much anyway) is that you should take time to develop Sehun and Choa as individuals... As in, without regards to one another. From the start, I've only seen them as they are with each other. Their minds are constantly on one another (whether they like it or not), so of course they're seen as quarrelsome and vindictive. But I want to see this 'bubbly' side of Choa and this 'smart' side of Sehun. So far, we're presented with how they are in terms of one another... They're such interesting characters, that I'd like to see more of THEMSELVES not just their reactions to their relationships.

Flow: (16/30)

This is difficult... Again, I'm not used to grading comedy, so I can't hold this on the same standard as I do with the dramatic and sincere fics I've read. There isn't a smooth, velvety flow that I often chide others in not having... But in this fic, I think it works. I think the gritty way of the syntax serves to attribute its terse nature. This fic is a simple and informal read, so it makes sense that the flow would reflect that. I do think you could use a few more sentence to break between the dialogue. After all, their back-and-forth banter is fun, but you don't want it to become too choppy. I also think you should put the fic in paragraph form, rather than separate it by line... It gives it an easier appearance and makes room for you to add a few 'in-between' sentences of non-dialogue.

As a plus, I can't ask you to tighten up the flow too much. The fic is a fast-paced, situational comedy that works along the rhythm of speed. By asking you to provide lengthy details and pictorials, I'd be asking you to rob it of its humorous effects. But I do think you could use a bit more to separate the dialogue. Regardless, it reads rather well (especially considering its layout) and it's something I can easily picture playing out word for word.

Reader's Scope/ Overall Enjoyment: (5/5) 

I know I sounded incredibly nitpicky and gross in this review, but really I enjoyed it thoroughly. It was incredibly refreshing, given the short-and-sweetness of the chapters and the fluffy comedy. I also fell hard for both of the characters, and will most likely continue following the story even after this review. Most of the corrections I made were based on technicality as opposed to content, so don't think this is a slam on your writing.

Bonus: (+5) 

"You should be on the cover of I LOVE CHICKEN MAGAZINE." I'm not gonna lie... This had me rolling down the street and into oncoming traffic.

Final Score/ Total (150/200) = 75%

A/N:

I hate this score so much, but I can't really find a way to raise it without lying to you... Really though, your characterization and comedic technique make up for the lack in technicality. I can't emphasize enough how much this fic made me smile. It's times like this when reviewing is the hardest thing. As a reader, I absolutely loved this fic. As a reviewer who wants to give you the best of my critiques, I fear that my love either doesn't show or could end up showing too much. Keep up the good work, because this is comedy gold. Very few fics make me want to sit and read it all in one sitting. Even fewer make an actual smile seep past my brain and onto my lips. Your fic achieved both in one night!

**