Review for -paperkites // Reviewed by: AutumnsConcierto

Title and Story link: 

The Muted Girl (Ongoing, reviewed with 10 chapters)

Title: (17/20)

Woah. I know that in general, people will find your title the following: boring, cliche, obvious, too simple, and so on. Understandably, I read the title and didn't find it anything eye-catching either. But then I began to analyze the title and question it. Afterall, a good reader would make connections right? Or at least try to find the little things that could possibly help reasoning. Out of all titles, you chose The Muted Girl. It's not The Mute Girl, it's The Muted Girl, hinting that it's Soojung's choice to not speak. She's not actually even mute, her disconnection from the world is what presumably causes her to decide to keep shut. Smart and clever if this was your purpose, although I could have just overthought it and misinterpreted it. It's funny though, I was so excited after this "discovery" I told my group of friends and only the AP Literature friend had the same interpretation as me after thinking for a while. We're special ^^

I would have given this section full credit; however, I'll do that when you finish the story because the actual point that Soojung is the muted girl hasn't exactly come across yet. It's been mentioned and thrown in here and there, but the actual connection isn't there since all those chapters in between were only of a dream she dreamt. Private message me when you actually make those ties clear or when you finish the story (actually I'm subscribing LOL) and I'll change the score then if done well. >< Sounds mean but you understand right? It's still too vague for now. Another point is that more simple-minded people would simply gloss over your title since it is what it is. Not attention-grabbing, but for thinkers like me, it opens so many thinking doors.

Overall Appearance: (3/5) 

Damn, it's kind of a rollercoaster when looking at your poster. It's like Soojung's staring into your soul, so creepy yet she gives off that mysterious vibe. RED LIGHT~~! ^^ Okay, anyways, I think that picture pretty much shows Soojung's character as a whole assuming that my inferences as to where this story will go is correct. It's still hard to interpret for now since all the chapters in between have only been but a speeding dream of Soojung's. I would have liked the poster to hint more as to the story's plotline though. Also, I would suggest your name in the poster, you're the author after all! You need that credit!

As for the background, no complaints here. The galaxy to me displays an endless amount of possibilities. It fits with how odd Soojung's dream was, because I honestly thought that those chapters were just so rushed and weird before the revelation that they're just visions in a dream going by quickly! It's like she was "spaced-out". Haha, get it? No? I'm just lame, I understand ._.

I love the layout you have for the story, it's very organized and pretty. 

Description and Foreword: (16/20)

Interesting, mysterious, and intriguing. That's what I get after reading the description. I love how concise it is, however, I think the downside to that is the fact that it is just short. You don't even have a foreword, so it can be too vague for those who want more detail as to how this story will play out. After reading this, all I could deduce was it was presumably Soojung explaining to someone as to why she has chosen to be "mute". It also doesn't really do the mind-blowing aspect of this story justice. When I read a description and foreword, I expect the story to later based upon those writings, but I had no idea that the dream would happen right off the bat. 

Plot: (27/30)

The characters are very likeable and reasonably realistic up to a certain extent. All of them haven't induced the hatred in me... yet. Soojung's not annoying, and what is this? The step-siblings are awesome! That little cutie especially, argh forgot the name but it the child that cried blaming himself for Soojung's parents' divorce. That mom tho... she's looking a bit shady. 

My mind basically went POOF at chapter 10. Up until chapter four, everything was smooth and I understood what was going on. Then, chapter four happened and I went into a frenzy of confusion and I kept rolling my eyes until chapter 10. What. Just. Happened. o-o Everything was oddly sped up and the flow was just too choppy.

Okay well I know what happened and I understand, but wow was that hard to take in at once. *starts singing "It was only just a dreeaammm~"*

First off, I love that plot twist where everything that has happened in between the story is only a dream. Woah. Just the fact that Soojung now holds and knows so much information about the future, she basically has the power to change something. The possibilities are endless with what will happen now. Will the story follow the events that happened in the dream, or will they turn for an entirely different route? 

There is one problem with having the dream extend so long without giving hints as to the fact what's happening isn't real. It's downright confusing before you get to chapter 10. I honestly though you were just writing something oddly quick and choppy. If others had a choice whether or not to read the story, they might give up out of confusion. It would have been better to somehow drop some hints to why the story is moving so fast, although that would make things harder. Knowing that chapter 4 to 9 is a dream wasn't hard to grasp or understand, I just had to take some time to digest what the heck just happened lol. 

With that said the good thing about the dream is as I said earlier, anything could happen now that Soojung has acquired knowledge of the future. The dream left so many questions unanswered, will Sehun choose his past or present, how will Soojung's relationship with Jessica possibly change, etc. Wendy/ Park Sora's complete story certainly seems like a fun venture, I really want to know more about that character and her emotions. My main concern though, okay not main but question. Is that a kaistal tag I see? Hmm... the step-siblings... Jongin didn't seem to have any interest in Soojung romantically but that tag makes me wonder as to what will happen when the plot holes are filled. Also, Baekhyun's story has kind of been left unsaid as well. I want to know more about his previous relationship with Soojung too. 

Originality: (20/20)

Full points for originality. *tips hat* I have seen stories where characters have hallucinations and go through other psychological things so what they experience isn't real at all, however, I don't exactly remember reading one where a character actually dreams as much information about the future as Soojung. It's crazy really, thinking about it. Very unique and memorable, because a story like this would be hard to map out I imagine. You're left with so much to write about and there are a bunch of misunderstandings/questions you'll have to sort out in order for the story to finish with a strong ending.

Language: (8/20)

This having to give you such a low score, but it's necessary. You really need to work on your grammar. It was hard for me to continue reading without cringing at all of the errors. Sorry, I'm just one of those people that really observes whether or not proper grammar is used and it hinders me from reading an author's writing any further if mistakes continue to pile up. I suggest you find a beta-reader to help you correct your mistakes. Or, just learn from your mistakes because I think your only major problem is verb tense. By the way, thank you for allowing text selection, it made life so much easier unlike when I have to grade stories that don't provide text selection.

Chapter 1:

(Original) She got the toys she wanted, the candies she craves, she received the amount of money she needed, she did well in school and she has a number of friends.

(Correction) She got the toys she wanted, the candies she craved, she received the money she needed, she did well in school, and she had a number of friends.

>I'll explain this so hopefully you'll take this into mind. You're writing of the past, so the verbs like craves should be craved, past-tense. Same thing for has, it should be had. Just note the comma between "school" and "and" isn't really needed, it's more of a preference thing for me.

(Original)  Her parents were happy too, smiling at each other from ear to ear while they exchange their ‘I love you’ to each other over breakfast before her father goes to work and drops her off at school.

(Correction) Her parents were happy too, smiling at each other from ear to ear while they exchanged their "I love you's" to each other over breakfast before her father went to work and dropped her off at school.

> This one is a bit hard to explain. I changed exchange, goes, and drops to the past-tense which should be understandable. As for the "I love you's," that's hard for me to explain. Since both parents are exchanging their own "I love you," the phrase turns into "I love you's" to signify they both own "I love you" when speaking. Yeah, this is quite confusing and I'm so sorry about my terrible explanation! *bows head in shame*

(Original) At the age of 10, it was the year she couldn’t ever forget, it was her very first piano recital.

(Correction) At the age of 10, it was the year she wouldn’t ever forget, it was her very first piano recital.

(Original) She somehow became famous (for a little girl) people are asking her to play at their party, at their church, at their wedding and whatnots.

(Correction) She somehow became famous for a little girl. People were asking her to play at their party, at their church, at their wedding and whatnots.

(Original) Of course, she isn’t that rude to decline them all so she took a few and she received money. A lot of money that she can buy her own toys, buys her own clothes and her daily needs.

(Correction) Of course, she didn't want to appear rude so she took a few requests and she received money. She used a lot of the money to buy her own toys, buy her own clothes, and her own daily necessities.

(Original) She got a lot more of piano playing request around town and she is starting to get really uncomfortable with all of the attention she received.

(Correction) She got a lot more piano playing requests around town and she was starting to get really uncomfortable with all of the attention she received.

(Original) Now, it’s not up to her to accept the request or not because her father is managing all of her schedules.

(Correction) By then, it wasn't up to her to accept the request or decline because her father was managing all of her schedules.

(Original) She would play at any venue and gain a lot of money for herself but she’s not happy.

(Correction) She would play at any venue and gain a lot of money for herself, but she wasn't happy.

(Original) She hates the attention, she hates the fact that she can’t study at night because she’ll be so tired and she started dropping her ranking.

(Correction) She hated the attention, she hated the fact that she couldn't study at night because she'd be so tired and she started dropping in ranking.

(Original) She got scolded by her parents because of her sudden drop and she told her parents that she couldn’t take it anymore. She wants to be like the other kids, she wanted her freedom. “I’m too young to work!” she yelled one night and her parents didn’t realise that they just took her childhood away.

(Correction) She was scolded by her parents because of her sudden drop and she told her parents that she couldn’t take it anymore. She wanted to be like the other kids, she wanted her freedom. “I’m too young to work!” she yelled one night and her parents didn’t realise that they had just taken her childhood away.

(Original) She stopped playing the piano for people ever since she told her parents that she’s too young to work and she improved on her study. She got back her old rank after a number of months of hard work.

(Correction) She stopped playing the piano for people ever since she told her parents that she was too young to work and she improved in her studies. She got her old rank back after months of hard work.

(Original) At this age, she always goes to the park to read a book or do homework because she didn’t want to hear the yelling and the argument her parents always have.

(Correction) At this age, she always went to the park to read a book or do homework because she didn’t want to hear the yelling and the arguments her parents always had.

(Original) Even though her life might have a whole degree turn, she stayed silent because she didn’t want to make things worse. She graduated a few months later because she skipped her grades.

(Correction) Even though her life made a 180 degree turn, she stayed silent because she didn’t want to make things worse. She graduated a few months later because she skipped grade levels.

(Original) She rejected him though because she is going through things in her life and she didn’t want anyone to know. The boy that confessed to her was one of her friend when she was 5. She often plays with him because they lived nearby but they got drifted away when she got busy with her work and he got busy with his training of becoming some kind of singer under her father’s company.

(Correction) She rejected him though, because she was going through things in her life and she didn’t want anyone to know. The boy that confessed to her was one of her friends since she was 5. She often played with him because his family lived nearby but they drifted away when she got busy with her work and he got busy with his training to becoming some kind of singer under her father’s company.

(Original) She expected it though, that’s why she didn’t accept any offers to further her studies. 

(Correction) She expected it though, that was why she didn’t accept any offers to further her studies.

(Original) Her father looks up to her and hugged her for the last time. She was confused and her father holds her wrist to put on a platinum bracelet with a diamond infinity sign. Her father leans closer to her to whisper, “If you needed money, sell this bracelet.”

(Correction) Her father looked up at her and hugged her for the last time. She was confused and her father held her wrist to put on a platinum bracelet with a diamond infinity sign. Her father leaned closer to her to whisper, “If you need money, sell this bracelet.”

(Original)She watches as her father waves her goodbye with a sad expression.

(Correction) She watched as her father waved her goodbye with a sad expression.

(Original) They hardly have money to eat.

(Correction) They hardly had money to eat. 

(Original) Even though she has debts, she’d still refused to pay them with the money her father sent. She would scold her mom though but her mom won’t listen. Her mom won’t even let her sell the bracelet her father gave her because that means the money is from her father as well. 

(Correction) Even though she had debts, she’d still refused to pay them with the money her father sent. She would scold her mom though but her mom wouldn't listen. Her mom wouldn't even let her sell the bracelet her father gave her because that meant the money was from her father as well. 

(Original)So she tried to find a job but because her mom has such a bad reputation, no one wants to take her as an employee.

(Correction) So she tried to find a job but because her mom had such a bad reputation, no one wanted to take her as an employee.

(Original) At the age of 20, her mom started smoking a few months ago because she was so stressed out. She would hide those cigarettes but somehow, her mom would find them and starts smoking again.

(Correction) At the age of 20, her mom started smoking because she was so stressed out. She would hide those cigarettes, but somehow, her mom would find them and would start smoking again.

(Original) She got a job as a pianist in another town that is 2 hours train ride from her house but it’s okay, the payment is big enough to feed them for a month.

(Correction) She got a job as a pianist in another town that was a two hour train ride from her house, but it was okay. The payment was big enough to feed them for a month.

(Original) She quickly called her next door neighbour and her mom was brought to the hospital while she has to stay home to clean up the blood on her mom’s bed sheets. A few hours later, she received a call saying that her mom has lung cancer from all the cigarettes.

(Correction) She quickly called her next door neighbour and her mom was brought to the hospital while she had to stay home to clean up the blood on her mom’s bed sheets. A few hours later, she received a call saying that her mom developed lung cancer from all the cigarettes.

(Original) She called her father (and that was the first time ever since she moved away) and her father sent more money than usual but didn’t came personally to see her mom’s condition or how she was holding up. She started hating her father because first, this wouldn’t happen if he didn’t cheat on her mom and second, her father didn’t even came to see her and her mom. Not even once.

(Correction) She called her father (and that was the first time ever since she moved away) and her father sent more money than usual, but didn’t come personally to see her mom’s condition or how she was holding up. She started hating her father because, first, this wouldn’t have happened if he hadn't cheated on her mom and second, her father didn’t even come to see her and her mom. Not even once.
 

(Original)  She takes out the money her father sent all these years from her mom’s account and paid each debt her mom had. She knows her mom would be mad but she has no choice. After she spreads her mom’s ashes into the sea, she received a call from her father. 

(Correction)  She took out the money her father sent all those years from her mom’s account and paid each debt her mom had. She knew her mom would be mad but she had no choice. After she spread her mom’s ashes into the sea, she received a call from her father. 

(Original) Her father begged her to come back home because it’s useless for her to live there poorly. She refused at first but when she came home, she saw a letter inside her room.

(Correction) Her father begged her to come back home because it was useless for her to live there poorly. She refused at first, but when she went home, she saw a letter inside her room.

(Original) Her mom wrote that she’s sorry for all the trouble she caused her, she wrote that her daughter don’t deserve a life like this, she wrote that she wants her to pay the her debts with the money her father sent and lastly, she wrote that she has to go back home.

(Correction) Her mom wrote that she’s sorry for all the trouble she caused her, she wrote that her daughter doesn't deserve a life like this, she wrote that she wants her to pay the her debts with the money her father sent, and lastly, she wrote that she has to go back home.

(Original) Now she’s on her way back home, to her father even though she hates it. Soojung sighs and look out to the clouds. “I’m doing this because of you mom, no one else but you.” Soojung said and prepares herself for what’s coming to her. 

(Correction) Now she’s on her way back home to her father even though she hates it. Soojung sighs and looks out to the clouds. “I’m doing this because of you mom, no one else but you.” Soojung said and prepares herself for what’s coming. 

Phew that took some time to do. Note that these are all the mistakes from only chapter one. The rest of the chapters have more or less the same amount of mistakes. Please go and edit the errors! They're mainly problems with tense.

Writing Style: (14/20)

I'm not feeling your writing style as much as I'd like to. Your descriptions tend to lack detail so I can't visualize images about the setting and what's going on in the story. You lack emotion in the writing as well, and the characters are a bit fuzzy to me as of now because I feel disconnected from them. Being able to feel and connect with a character is crucial in making a story that much more likeable. 

Characterization: (20/30)

As mentioned earlier in the previous section, I don't feel a connection, a spark, between me and all of the characters. I think it's especially harder for me to connect with them as of now since the revelation of the dream just occured. Until the actual story pace is set and the events revolving around the story are explained, I really can't say anything about the stories. All of the characters just seem like a hot mess, each to their own problems and whatnot.

Even then, because the title is The Muted Girl, I would have assumed Soojung would not speak at all because of her traumatic experiences. But then, she seems perfectly able to communicate others and the point that she dislikes speaking isn't really coming through. 

I'm sorry, I really can't say anything about the characters as of now.

Flow: (18/30)

The flow of the story is not very consistent. Excluding the dream for now since it was meant to be very fast-paced, even the events happening before and after that were not meshed very well.

I know the first chapter was the basic setup of Soojung's life, showing what happened in certain years of her life. However, I found this introduction too quick. You didn't delve into her emotions well enough for me to have a true emotional connection with her character. Next up are the events that occur when she finally moves back to live with her father and stepfamily, meeting a mysterious Sehun along the way. Like the first chapter, everything is just too quick. I would really love it if you would take your time to pace yourself in your writing, or else everything is just rushed. Also, after the dream and she begins to investigate the matters that occured, she seems so calm. Soojung just jumps straight into it. I would assume that most people would probably think about it and have debates in their mind before actually researching.

Now, the dream will be the hardest to judge since it's just a dream after all. It was pretty fleeting, especially the dream only had a short span to live because of the length of the car ride. Even then, the dream was so jumpy and confusing, moving from one event to another without an exact explanation. Understandable; however, you could have done a better job of making it less confusing by giving the time an event's occuring or other more concrete things. 

Reader's Scope/ Overall Enjoyment: (3/5) 

It was a rollercoaster ride to read, I'll tell you that. ><

Bonus: (+2) 

Final Score/ Total (148/200) = 74%

A/N:

Since I have started school, my grading standards are now harder than over the summer. If I had to be honest, I was a bit lazy in the thinking process, it was summer after all. But with my school mindset now , yeah. That happened. Plus AP Literature. I hope I don't seem too harsh, but seriously, the plot of your story is very intriguing. "It was only just a dream~" I hope to see an update soon so I'll know what happens later on! Keep up the writing and blow people's minds. ^^

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