Review for Shy_Daydreamer // Reviewed by: pilsuk123

Title and Story link:  

Sinful Desire (Ongoing, reviewed with 10 chapters)

Title:

I thought the title was quite appropriate for the story but the desire part isn't quite applicable to all sides of the story. Luhan does have sinful desire to Sehun but Sehun does not have at all, Kai have thoughts about singful desire but Kyungsoo doens't quite yet. Overall, I think the title gives off the correct feeling and subject but I feel that the sinful part should be more focused from now on because you've just started getting on with the sinful desire part. Focuse more on it and about the and possible in the story. Otherwise, I thought the title was really short and catchy and it's very relatable to the story!

Overall Appearance:

I love how you chose the colours when expressing the messaging part in the story about having different colours that it made it easier to read and also italising some parts of the sentences in the chapter to make them stand out more. What I feel could be done better was in the d/f, it feels a bit too plain. The foreword's font and style was a bit overpowering the description so maybe you can change up the font style for that and empahsis on the description more. Also, you can add a quote or a except to the story d/f.

Description and Foreword:

The story's description was really nice, it definitely pulls me into wanting to know more about the story especially I've been reading a lot of ratedm stories lately. I'm sure many ratedm// fans would really be interested in this as well because of the description and story's title, it's just that maybe because your chapters can get really short and the pace of the story is really slow as well, readers might be put off because of the slow start into the story. I feel that it'll be a good idea to actually combine some of the chapters together into a middle-length chapter instead of having so many short chapters in the beginning. As I've said, you can add in an excerpt in the d/f or quotes to make it less plain and more attractive. Lastly, I would like to end it off by making a recommendation in a tiny change in the description:
And after a few discussions, they finally have their own little plan.

(And after a few discussions, they finally came up with their own dirty/sinful little plans.)

Plot:

I think because you only have 9 chapters right now and out of that 9 chapter, more than half was taken to describe only one day so obviously there isn't much development to the story's plot yet. However, I have to say that from the beginning till the latest chapter, the plot idea is extremely simple and isn't quite engaging. Chapter 8 and 9 was the best because the highlight of the story is finally being written about pleasuring the members. I thought you should focus more on that area since it's a rated-m fic because I'm not sure about the cute relationship part about discovering their ual identity. If it's just a confuse sehun, it's fine but there's also a confuse kyungsoo/kai which made it quite repetitive in the story. I was really happy how you decided to escalte the story to the sinful/ part in chapter 9, I think things are going to get better and more excited. And hopefully more conflicts as well. Perhaps having disrupting their group's cohesion and you mentioned about luhan being scared that he won't be accept - that can be a great conflict for the story to make it more interesting.

I was really confuse in chapter 7 when it's about a flashback of how Kai and Kyungsoo once met. How can Kai be already an idol and Kyungsoo to be Kai's idol when Kyungsoo and kai haven't debut as Exo yet? Also, how come Kai was the one who come to look for Kyungsoo to tell him that he passed the sm audition? Usually it's done by the management themselves or they just notify you? I don't know, did kai debut solo first or something?

Originality:

It's quite unfair to jugde the story's originality because you've just started on developing the story but judging of all the 9 chapters, there isn't much originality in the story. There's a lot of stories about members pleasuring each other because they're just too busy or their company doesn't allow them so I really hope that by the time you update the story again, there'll be more twists and surprising and pleasant elements in the story. I thought with a deeper and cleared character development (eg. luhan really miss china etc) would really make the story original and stray away from pwp. 

Language:

I think you did a great job is making sure that there's no mistakes and typo by proofreading your chapters but I think you can try to focus on more repharsing your sentences because the sentence structure feels out of place and rather awkwardly written. I've chose chapter 1 and 2 for example here:

Chapter 1:

After a long time of practicing they finally got the hang of it, and now all they have to do was to finish a few debut stages and they have a day off.

(After a practicing for long time they've finally gotten the hang of it and all they have to do now is to finish up a few debut stages and they would have a day off.)

While most of the members of EXO-K were partying, Kai noticed that Sehun's only texting on the corner of the dressing room. 

(While most of the members of EXO-K were partying, Kai noticed that Sehun is the only one whose texting in the corner of the dressing room instead of partying.)

However, he saw that the lights inside the trailer's open, and that shadows pass through the curtained windows.

(However, he saw that the lights inside in the trailer's are still turned on, and that there was shadows passing through the curtained windows.)

Kai, not knowing that Kyungsoo was the one inside the trailer, screamed like a little girl and said, "Aah~! Please don't haunt me!"

(Kai, not realizing that it's Kyungsoo, screamed like a little girl, "AAHHH! PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!")

>I thought it would sounds more like a scream if it's written in caps.

They have always wanted to eat ice cream, since the manager promised that once they finished making their first debut successfully they can eat as much ice cream as they want, until their heart's content.

(They have always been craving for eat ice cream and since the manager had promised that once they finished making their first debut successfully they can eat ice cream until their heart's content.)

Sehun stared down the large container that was resting on his lap, and thought whether he would be able to finish such a large amount of ice cream.

(Sehun stared down at the large container filled with ice cream and wondered if he'll be able to finish it.)

Chapter 2:

As the other boys left, Luhan was carrying Sehun until they reached the comfort room.

(Once all the boys left, Luhan was carrying Sehun until they reached the comfort room.)

"Why would you do it, hyung?"

("Why would you do that, hyung?")

He didn't want his abnormal feelings for Sehun get in the way of him fitting in with the crowd, so he wanted to contain his feelings for as long as he could handle.

(He didn't want his abnormal feelings for Sehun get in the way of him fitting in with the group, so he wanted to contain his feelings for as long as he can.)

Writing Style:

I like your writing style, it's very clean and enjoyable to read but I feel that because of the sentence structure, it can really pulls down your good points in your writing style. The tip is instead of telling readers what's happening, you can try to describe it instead. For example, you write kai showered, walk up to kyungsoo, backhug him, and ask him to cook so instead you can describe it instead of telling the readers. Something like that but of course I'm not really good at it but you can try to include the five senses while writing to make readers easy to visualize it.

-Kai finally finished taking a shower and decided to walk up to Kyungsoo and ask him to make him food. He walked inside the kitchen and saw Kyungsoo washing the dishes. The younger walked up to his hyung, wrapped his arms around the small male's waist and let his chin rest on his shoulder. Kyungsoo was used to him doing this, and he knows what he wants whenever he does this. "Can you cook for me hyung?"

Characterization:

The characters in the story didn't quite stand out and they were rather simple. They're pretty much normal people and it'll be much more enjoyable to read a story with a stronger character/characteristic because it'll help make the story stand out and be more memorable. Maybe an extremely bad Tao that hates about what's going on with hunhan and kaisoo? Or a rather straight forward and chic and cool luhan instead of a shy and quiet and refuse to admit his feelings luhan? You see, having a variety of different strong traits in character will make the story more special. The characters in the story are pretty much the same... However, I've got to say that I think you did a good job is helping readers get to know the main characters. I liked the idea you wrote about how they met for the very first time, I really liked reading that! And I liked the smsing part because it's cute and we get to see how the characters react in messages which kind of portray their personality in the story. Also the idea about Luhan being desperate to find someone for comfort because he's lonely and alone since he's from china (i think Kris mentioned it about thanking Sehun cause he's grateful luhan found sehun)!

Flow:

The flow of the story was great, I like how detailed you are and how you always continue from the previous chapter so well that it doesn't have any confusion at all! Even the flashback was done in a different style - in grey! That leaves reader with no confusion at all but the problem was the pace of the story. I've mentioned it in the above before that it's going way too slow and it drags the whole story and worse it might discourage readers to give up reading before they get to the good parts in the story. It would be good to have at least a middle-length or long chapter as compared to many short chapters that doesn't lead up to the expected . From chapter 9 onwards, it feels that the story is beginning to sped up a little so continue with that and you can drag and extent the chapters on the sinful desire part of the story which is where the story will finally begin. 

Reader's Scope/ Overall Enjoyment

As a reader, I think I like how diverse the story is. It's part of ratedm but it has it's cute/fluff part in it as well! Just mayeb speed up the story a little would be more enjoyable and I can't wait for the and pleasuring plans Sehun and Kai are thinking! Also, try to add more details (5 senses and descriptive writing) in your writing style and you're good to go!

A/N:

Hope you like the review ^^ I did my best but please do let me know if you're unclear of any part! <3<3<3

**