Review for Rainbow_fairy & OhevilHun94 // Reviewed by: ToniSHINeeslikeEXO

Title and Story link:  

seven reasons why (Ongoing, reviewed with 4 chapters)

Title: (18/20)

The title is perfect. I like how it's spot on with the description and it makes people think 'seven reason why what?'. The thing that made me knock off points is the fact that the title is completely lower case. It definitely takes away from the feeling the story gives off. Capitalize the first letter of each word to make it look more sophisticated and neat.

Overall Appearance: (4/5)

The current poster for the story makes sense because Luhan and Sehun are the "main characters" but the colors are way too dark and it's only depicting those two characters. I liked the poster by MISTER GRAPHICS better because it shows Luhan and Sehun in the front while all the other side characters are in the back, and the journal in the middle really explains the description. The background is pretty bland as it's only black but it's simple and it would be weird if the background was any other color. All I'd suggest is changing the poster. 

Description and Foreword: (14/20)

The description is eye-catching but it's also a tad bit revealing. I mean, the title and the description go together so well that it's fairly easy to draw a conclusion as to what the story of going to be about. But it's fine the way it is; it still pulled me in.

There were also grammatical errors in the forward. Me, being a grammar freak, saw them right away.

Original: Luhan found a journal that belong to Oh Sehun, his junior who committed suicide a few weeks ago. There are seven people that are involved and became part of the reason of his death. And he is one of them.

Correction: Luhan found a journal that belonged to Oh Sehun, a junior that committed suicide a few weeks ago. Seven people were involved and became reasons for his death. Luhan is one of them.

>You said in in the foreword that English isn't your first language so I'd suggest getting a beta reader to look over your work before you put it out so there won't be as many mistakes. Also, because of the grammatical errors, I thought Luhan was Sehun's teacher but after reading the story, I figured out that Luhan and Sehun were classmates. Make it clear who the characters are so your readers won't be confused.

*A little note* I'm not sure who's writing this story because I kept seeing the name "Whitelilac" in some A/N's but the person isn't co-author. If there are two people writing the fic, make that clear to readers.

Plot: (22/30)

The plot wasn't as good as it could've been. It lacked in the details department a lot. It took me by surprise when the first chapter had Luhan already in possession of the journal and reading it. There should've been some sort of build up that would explain how he found the journal so I didn't really like how he already had it. There was absolutely no insight on who Luhan was before, just little sentences about how he knew Kai and Sehun. If there was more information on Luhan, I would've felt more comfortable reading things from his POV.

The fic has a very genuine storyline, meaning that the things that happen in your story can happen to anyone which is something I give major props on. Although the storyline is genuine, I didn't feel a connection to the characters which leads back to the lack of details. Luhan, to me, is just a random character that reads the journal of a boy he hardly knew and it doesn't fit. I guess he had some sort of relationship/friendship/connection with Sehun to make him feel like he should've been there to protect him from past events while reading journal, but even that doesn't make sense. I can't understand why Luhan is suddenly so protective over Sehun after reading just one journal entry. I don't know, maybe there's more to whatever they were that'll be revealed later on but as of now, I don't really get it.

Pacing was a bit fast. Like, according to Sehun's journal entries, he seemed to forget about Kai fairly easy and move on to Tao even though he explained that Kai left a huge impact on him. It doesn't sound believable because I thought he would be more hurt over what Kai did to him or even mention Kai in further entries, but after Chapter 2 he wasn't mentioned at all. 

The fic isn't bad, there's just a few holes in the plot that need to be fixed.

Originality: (17/20)

This fic is extremely different than anything I normally read so it's new to me. But as you said in the foreword, this fic was based off another story, so the plot fully isn't yours but I like it regardless. It's very mysterious with a hint of angst but it wasn't as surprising as I'd hoped. The story is still developing so I can't really hold you against anything.

Language: (12/20)

Okay, I know you said that English isn't your first language but in that case, you should seriously think about getting a beta reader. Like I said before, I'm a huge grammar freak so all the mistakes really stood out to me. They were all over the place, honestly. Nothing is spelled wrong, I don't think, but for a ton of the words, the wrong tense is used. For example:

Prologue:

​Original: He takes a glance at the journal every few minutes. It was really starting to bother him that he felt like leaving his work behind.

Correction: He takes a glance at the journal every few minutes. It's really starting to bother him so much that he feels like leaving his work behind. (present)

or

Correction: He glanced at the journal every few minutes. It was starting to bother him so much that he felt like leaving his work behind. (past)

>Kai's name doesn't have to be bolded at the end of the prologue.

Chapter 2:

Original: Do you know how happy I am when you asked me for a date?

Correction: Did you know how happy I was when you asked me out on a date?

>Luhan's thoughts were also italicized in chapter 2 so it was kind of hard to tell the difference between his thoughts and Sehun's journal entry.

The word "he" is used a lot as well, which makes it confusing as to which character you're referring to. Use different nouns/pronouns to address characters. Example:

Chapter 1:

Original: He was sick and couldn't go outside in his fragile state. He was kind of shy and quiet. He liked to spend his time by watching you; and I as his friend, was supposed to be by his side. So, we would wait for you to appear just like the day before while chatting about what we liked and disliked. Kyungsoo loved to sing too, he even wrote lyrics and composed songs by himself sometimes. I really appreciated his presence...because without him, you would be nothing in my eyes.

Correction: Kyungsoo was really sick and couldn't go outside in his fragile state, so he liked to spend his time watching you. As his friend, I was supposed to be by his side—and I was. We'd wait for you to appear, while chatting about things we liked and disliked. I really appreciated his presence because without him, you'd be nothing in my eyes.

>Some sentences in the paragraph don't have to be there like describing how Kyungsoo liked to sing and stuff. It's unnecessary information.

Just some minor mistakes:

Chapter 1:

Sehun says Kai "played an important role in the rest of his life" it should be that Kai "played an important role in his life". The second question in the first paragraph is worded awkwardly.

Original: Kai? Did he like that guy or something?

Correction: Kai? Did Sehun like him or something?

I found an excerpt of the story from Chapter 3 and it's worded oddly to me. It's written in first person but I think it'd sound better in third person POV:

Original: I let out a tired sigh. I just can't seem to focus on anything she said throughout this whole class. Sehun, that boy is the only person occupies my mind. That journal...I don't really want to read it anymore but curiosities are killing me. I want to discover his past life, his feelings and every single thing related to him. If only I had the courage to approaches him before, it wouldn't be this this hurt. Somehow, I feel bad -- for not being there for him and for everything I did.

Correction: Luhan let out a tired sigh. He just can't seem to focus on anything Miss Jung is saying, Sehun and the journal being the only thing occupying his mind. He doesn't really want to read it anymore, but curiosity is killing him. The need to discover his past life, feelings and everything related to him consuming Luhan. 

If only he had the courage to approach Sehun before... things probably wouldn't be like this. He feels bad for not being there for him and everything he did.

>How does it sound? You don't have to change it of you don't want to.

Writing Style: (13/20)

There are some things that didn't quite make it for me, the most important being the drastic change from third person POV to first person POV. I really did not like the transition at all. If you want a story to be in first person then start it off in first person, don't randomly change it in the first chapter. It was very unorganized, in my opinion and I'd advise you to go back and change some things in the story so it's all in one perspective. (I'm not sure if others do that, but I'm not a big fan. If it's normal, keep it.)

Luhan's thoughts in between the journal entry was too much. I understand that you want to to showcase his input/feelings while he's reading Sehun's journal but it shouldn't be after every paragraph of the entry.

I will say is that Sehun's love life seems repetitive; the same thing keeps happening to him and it gets old fast so try to change up the scenarios to keep readers interested.

Characterization: (20/30)

As I've stated previously, the limited amount of details makes characterization extremely low in all the places it's supposed to be at it's best; and that's in Luhan's character. Because he is [one of] the main character(s), us readers should know things about him. His personality or life for that matter isn't explained to any extent. Characterization plays a huge role in the succession of a story because it's what draws the readers in; if someone can connect with a character, it makes the story so much easier to read. In this case though, minor characters were more thoroughly explained like Sehun, Jongin, and Kyungsoo but his character is still 'developing' I guess. Just add more details on Luhan and everything will come together nicely. 

Flow: (23/30)

I meant to address this earlier but some sentences are cut off way too quickly. Everything is choppy and to the point. For example:

Prologue:

Original: He had a great life; many friends and people chasing after him. He had striking features which everyone adored, Luhan included.

Correction: He had a great life, after all, with many friends and admirers, and a face everyone adored—Luhan included. 

Chapter 1:

Original: Kai? Did he like that guy or something? Luhan couldn't help but knit his eyebrows, a puzzled frown forming on his small face. He had never seen Sehun with Kai before. He only knew Kai well because they were on the same basketball team last year. Sometimes Kai would treat him to lunch with the other players. He had learnt that Kai was a playboy. He managed to attract so much attention with his handsome features and maybe Sehun had fallen for him as well? It must have been a one-sided since Kai would never open his heart for anyone that easily. If Luhan saw him with yet another girl or boy, obviously the person was just another toy for him; there was always a new toy that he could replace with another one. Sehun hadn't been his toy, right?

Correction: Kai? Did Sehun like him or something? (I'm not sure if Luhan was thinking it or if it was just a regular sentence but it could be either or) Luhan furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, a frown forming on his small face. He'd never seen Sehun with Kai before. He only Kai well because they were on the same basketball team together and sometimes he would treat him to lunch with the other players.

Luhan learned that Kai was a playboy by the way he attracted the attention of others easily with just his looks. Maybe Sehun had fallen for him as well? It must've been an unreciprocated love because Kai would never open his heart to someone so willingly.

When Luhan saw him with a boy or girl, the person was obviously just another toy he could play with. Sehun hadn't been one of his toys, right?

>I tried to change it as little as possible, but do you see a difference? You put a lot of different information in one paragraph so try breaking it up to make everything flow better.

Reader's Scope/ Overall Enjoyment (2/5)

I enjoyed the fic, but the grammar errors and change in POV really made it hard for me. If you look for an editor and add more details, I think the story will be fine.

Bonus (+3)

Final Score/ Total (148/200) = 74%

A/N: 

Sorry for finishing the review so late! I know I may have come off harsh so I apologize but don't take it to heart! Feel free to take my advice if you like~ And good luck!

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