Title and Story link:  

Our Baby (Completed, reviewed with 5 chapters)

Title: (11/20)

The title is very direct and straight-forward and also it's unoriginal. I searched it on aff and the stories that came out isn't yours which indicates that many have similar or same title as yours. I thought another title would perhaps be more interesting and original. Overall, it's an okay title but you could have added and changed the title slightly to suit the story and make it more interesting/original.

Overall Appearance: (5/5) 

Perfect score for this! I can tell that you put in a lot of effort in terms of the story's overall appearance. The poster is gorgeous, the d/f page was well dolled up and the font and size of the wordings used suited the cute and fluffy atmosphere of the story.

Description and Foreword: (15/20)

The description and foreword exactly tells the summary of the whole story which is good and it doesn't have misleading parts etc. However, the sentences in the d/f were rather broken and the sentence structure as well. (More explained in 'Language' below)

-Two years later their two year old son who is healthy is running everywhere noisy as ever, they couldn't be more happy.

(Two years later,their healthy two-year-old son is running everywhere as noisy as ever and they couldn't be happier and blessed than ever.)

Plot: (18/30)

To me, it's clearly a chaptered story that could easily be written as a one-shot instead because the plot is rather simple and straightforward. The one-shot would then be mainly focuses on the interruption they keep getting while trying to have and it would be better than dragging it out to 5 chapters. There isn't any plot twists or deepening of the plot because it's kind of simple. You could've put in more incident such as the one about Jun falling sick into the story to make the plot more interesting to read. The introduction wasn't part of the story but I believe it's written in the 'How We Started' which is good because I wanted to see more layers in the story. How they develop their feelings, how did the relationship start, was Jun part of the plan or was it an accident? etc The body of the story could've been more detailed and add in more scenarios about how they handle school, how they live their life or how they support the family financially etc and in the body you can put in more conflicts to thicken the plot. Perhaps financial woes, cheating on each other, Jun being extremely sick etc. The ending of the story was also predictable but adding twists to it would make it even better. I wished it was more exciting but I quite like how you ended the story with a cute closure: Life is perfect, I smirk.

Originality: (14/20)

I've read a few mpreg stories before and this is still my first time reading a mpreg story with it being so cute! And also they're both so young as well! It was fun to see how they took care of a young baby and how it's realistic with both of them being lustful.

Language: (13/20)

I think it's best to hire a beta reader or a beta to help you with editing with the story's language because there's a lot of confusion in grammar, punctuation, sentence structure etc A few repetitive mistakes is the use of apostrophe​ ('s/s) and sentence structure. Most of the sentences are incomplete and it's because you split sentences when they're meant to be one full sentence instead. Below, I've picked a few to show you from chapter 1 and 2:

Chapter 1:

I say and kiss all his face making him giggle.

(I say and kiss all over his face resulting him to giggle loudly.)

First he had a worried expression but as soon as he sees me holding Jun and kissing all over his face a big smile grows on his face.

(When he arrived, he had a worried expression on his face but as soon as he sees me holding Jun and kissing all over his face, a big smile grows on his face replacing his worried expression.)

I stop kissing Jun and give him one final slightly tight hug before settling him on the floor again.

(I stop kissing Jun and hugged him tightly before settling him back on the floor again.)

Taemin asks wit his baby voice and kissing Jun on the top of his head.

(Taemin tell Jun with his baby voice and give Jun a peak on his head.)

I ask as I walk over to the pot again and continue making the soup. 

(I ask as I walk over to the cooking area of the kitchen to continue making the soup.)

I say and release a quiet moan and something in my lower half is starting to get alive.

(I say before releasing a quiet moan as warm sensation starts to spread in my lower half of my body, begging for more.)

Slowly he starts grinding against my before we hear a loud thud and a whimper.

(He was grinding on me slowly when we head a loud thud and a whimper from Jun in the living room.)

Taemin yells from the main door while holding Jun' hand in his hand. 

(Taemin yells from the main door while holding Jun's hand in his hand/ while holding hands with Jun.)

>Similar to chapter 2 similar part needs to be edited

He once again nods with a big smile before running to his chair and sit's on it.

(He once again nods with a big smile before running to his chair and sits on it obediently.)

Taemin helps Jun with the food and feeding him while feeding himself.

(Taemin juggles between helping to feed Jun and eating his own dinner.)

Taemin whines while Jun's bouncing on his lap and playing with a toy plane and talking to himself.

(Taemin whines while Jun is bouncing on his lap excitedly while playing with a toy plane and babbling to himself.)

I ask and look at Jun who put's his finger on his lip thinking and I his hair smiling at him.

(I turn to face Jun and asks him as he places his finger on his lip while considering.)

Taemin and I laugh before Taemin stands up, gives me a kiss and goes out to buy some ice cream and comes back only ten minutes later with banana ice cream.

“What are you talking about.” He asks.

(“What are you thinking about?” He asks.)

Taemin may not look like the type to have the biggest bulge since he's so skinny, tall, cute and looks very innocent, but oh Lord you wouldbe wrong. 

(Taemin may not look like the type to have the biggest bulge since he's so skinny, tall, cute and looks very innocent, but oh Lord you would be so wrong.)

Teamin's also the type that get's very jealous, he can get violent when he's jealous, not violent on my but whoever is flirting with me and stuff.

(Teamin gets jealous easily and he can be extremely violent when he's jealous when people flirts with me.)

 He let's out a sigh of relief as his boxers are out of the way.

Chapter 2:

“Yah! Kibum c'on! We gotta go, or we will all be late!” Taemin yells from the main door while holding Jun' hand in his hand. 

(“Yah! Kibum c'mon! We gotta go, or we will all be late!” Taemin yells from the main door while holding on to  Jun's hands.

Jun's in a thick jacket himself, a scarf and a hat too just like his appa.

(Just like his appa/dad, Jun is also covered up with a thick jacket, scarf and a hat.)

>It should be Jun is not Jun's.

I'm so going to skip some classes today and make Taemin skip with me. There's this one class room that no one uses anymore.

(I'm so going to skip classes today and make Taemin skip them with me as well ; no one attends the useless calculus class anyway.)

“Kibum!” Taemin yells a warning in his tone saying that if I don't come right away he'll come and get me... 

(“Kibum!” Taemin yells with a warning tone indicating that if I don't leave right away he'll come and get me.)

I mentally scold myself.

(I mentally scolded myself.)

As soon as my shoes are on I step out of our apartment, shut the door and lock it. 

(As soon I've put on my shoes, I locked the apartment and ++)

>Incomplete sentence here ++ means you need more or join them with the next sentences

Our lips meat move against each other passionately. 

(Our lips meet and we deepen our kiss. / Once our lips touch, we kiss passionately.)

Writing Style: (13/20)

I feel that there wasn't enough detailed expression of the five senses, inner thoughts wasn't really described, the emotions and feelings wasn't written enough as well. You can also change up the vocabulary you use to showcase a variety of words to describe certain scenes or feelings. However, I've got to hand it to you, because it seems that you can write cute scenes really well with your writing style. It's hard for me to even think of a cute scene and even harder to deliver a scene in writings but you seem to pulled it off. On the other hand, the part isn't really as intense or good as your cute/family/heart-warming scene part. It feels quite awkward but still y. You can continue to practice or read scene more and I'm sure it'll intensify and become better.

Characterization: (20/30)

I love how your characters and the whole story was very realistic planned and your characters are all very honest and believable! However, the characters are pretty predictable and casual. Their characterization wasn't really told in the story. I want to know about how the main characters used to be in the past, how they develop their r/s, how they fall in love etc. All of this was skipped to the part where Jun is already 2~3 years old. It'll be nice to see how they suffer the hardships of parenting as a young age and how they handle through giving birth and how they brought Jun up. The best part of the 'characterization' is that I was able to feel how connected Kibum is with Taemin - how in love they are with each other. I wished you had in more romantic scenes of flashback of both of them together.

Flow: (19/30)

As I've mentioned before, according to the 5 chapters I've read, it can be easily edited into one-shot instead. As the content isn't much, it feels that the story was being dragged out to 5 short chapters. The pace was alright and I actually prefer shorter chapters which is why I enjoyed the story. The flow of the story was done well and it was smooth ; there wasn't a part I get confuse because the flow is good and smooth. 

Reader's Scope/ Overall Enjoyment: (4/5) 

I was reading the story with a huge grin on my face! I really like how cute the story is and I enjoyed it really well. You've written the story well and how I wished that you combines 'How We Started' with 'Our baby' together because that way, readers are able to relate and understand the characters as they grow over time from before having a baby to knowing they're going to be parenst to the current state of 'Our Baby'. Keep on writing fluff and romantic story! All the best!

Bonus: (+3) 

Final Score/ Total (135/200) = 67.5%

A/N:

Hey there! I'm sure Fantascape could have done a much better job than me but I hope you find this review somehow insightful and helpful! Best wishes and I apologize again for the long wait! 

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