Review for mayazero // Reviewed by: LexoSHINee

Title and Story link:  

Sins (Ongoing, reviewed with 9 chapters)

Title: (20/20)

The title was absolutely perfect for the story! It's pretty self explanatory on what the fic is going to be about and it was definitely eye-catching. When I seen it, I was thinking 'what is this going to be about?' and then I read the description it totally made sense of why the title would be Sins. There's not really much more I have to say but good job.

Overall Appearance: (4/5)

I loved the poster. The dark blues really went well together and with the simple background it totally gave off a dark feel, which I think is appropriate since we're talking about sins and demons and whatnot. So good job with that. There were a few mistakes in the description (but we'll get to that in a minute) and the forward layout is fantastic! It looked really neat and organized.

Description and Foreword: (18/20)

The description, I think, was just fine. It wasn't giving away too much, more like up front telling what the story's to be about. I liked that you didn't make it so vague that everything was kept a mystery because with how you wrote the description, we know what to anticipate. It also made me want to read more. I even showed it to my sister and we both agreed that it was attention grabbing. So I give you props for that.

As for the foreword, I absolutely loved it! It was just... perfect. The character profiles were spot on and I loved the little poems (?) that were next to them describing what each sin was. It was very neat and one of my favorite things out of the whole story.

There were just a few mistakes in the description I'd like to point out: *Sorry if there are some mistakes in the original. I retyped the whole thing.*

Original: Ever since the begining, Pride and Wrath have always been together. No matter what would happen they have never failed in falling for each other. But what happens when this time – Wrath stumbles head first into a forbidden love when he finds himself falling for Lust? Leaving Pride – who will always love him – in the dust?

To make matters worse, Envy – who had always been with Greed – is starting to have unwanted feelings for his best friend – Pride. And it also doesn't help that Gluttony and Greed have become unnecessarily close – Envy may not care but that's not the case with Sloth – Gluttony's partner.

And despite all this happening, Lust had only been going with his runabout ways with everything – not knowing he had been kept and protected by all conflicts by his own twin brother – Wrath.

Correction: Ever since the beginning, Pride and Wrath had always been together. No matter what happened, they never failed in falling for each other. But, what happens when this time, Wrath finds himself falling into a forbidden love with Lust? Leaving Pride—who will always love him—in the dust? 

To make matters worse, Envy—who has always been with Greed—is starting to have unwanted feelings for his best friend, Pride. And it also doesn't help that Gluttony and Greed have become unnecessarily close. (Envy may not care but that's not the case with Sloth—Gluttony's partner.)

And despite all that's happening, Lust had only been going with his runabout ways, unaware that he'd been kept and protected from all these conflicts by his own twin brother, Wrath.

>I took out and added some words. There were also a few grammatical and spelling errors that I fixed. But regardless of the mistakes, it was still just as attention grabbing. Well written.

Plot: (30/30)

The plot was completely unique to me. I've never read any fanfiction like it before so it was enjoyable to read something different. I loved how you made it so interesting to read with just the first paragraph of the first chapter (I especially liked when you compared the sins to diseases). It was... I don't really know how to describe it. I really love how you write though. And it wasn't boring to read at all (I read the author's notes at the end XD). It was completely creative. The cliff hangers were great and made me want to read more. You definitely got some reactions out of me. (It doesn't happen so often anymore sadly...)

The plot twist were fantastically written. Even when it was obviously stated in the description what was going to happen, I was still surprised. And though this story is obviously unrealistic, the characters reactions were. *SPOILER ALERT* Like when Sunyeol jumped on Howon's lap when he was supposedly mad at him (or at least I thought he was but I was wrong). My reaction would've been the same as Woohyun and Dongwoo's. I didn't know what was going on either, and it was kind of funny because that's the last way I would've expected Sungyeol and Howon to react. One thing I'd have to complain about is Myungsoo. He seems more like a side character than one of the main characters. You should write more scenes with him in it.

Originality: (20/20)

I think this fic is definitely going to be memorable for me. It had a different twist to it that I liked very much. Each chapter kept me wanting to read more with the cliff hangers you left us with. The plot was again surprising to me even though it was basically stated in the description. I really think this story has great potential and you did a great job with what you have so far.

Language: (15/20)

This is where I'm going to have to deduct points. The fic was great and all but the first couple of chapters have way to many typos and mistakes in it. Sometimes I had to figure out what you were saying and draw my own conclusions which sort of took away from the story. And also, you switched tenses often and I didn't know whether you were making the story in past tense or present tense. I noticed you got a beta-reader to edit your work which was something I was going to suggest but I still think you should go back and read ALL the chapters to find the mistakes and typos. There's a couple errors I'd like to point out: *Sorry if there are some mistakes in the original. I retyped the whole thing*

Chapter One

Original: We all thought that these diseases are demons that we fight within ourselves, but what we didn't know is that these sins don't live inside of us but they live with us. These temptations walk on the same path we trudge on everyday in getting by our monotonous life. And they sometimes even walk along us, whispering dark promises that we never fail to fall for.

Correction: We all thought these diseases were demons we fight within ourselves, but what we didn't know was that these sins don't live inside us, they live with us. These temptations walk on the paths we trudge on everyday in getting by our monotonous lives. And they sometimes even walk along us, whispering dark promises we never fail to fall for.

>Wrong tense and I took out some words to make it flow better.

Original: "Myungsoo your back, how was your hunting?" Sunggyu greeted his lover as he saw Myungsoo enter their large living room.

Correction: "Myungsoo, you're back. How was hunting?" Sunggyu greeted his lover as he saw Myungsoo enter their large living room.

>I took out a word and made another sentence. Also you used to wrong your.

Original: All Seven Sins were living at the same mansion at a country side in Korea; they unanimously agreed that it would be for the best when all seven of them would be living at the same house – provided that none would interfere with each other's life. It was also beneficial to their Demon Slaves whenever they need something from the sins.

Correction: All Seven Sins lived together in a mansion located in the country side of Korea. They unanimously agreed it would be best to live in the same house, that way, none of them would interfere with each others lives. It was also beneficial for their Demon Slaves whenever they needed something from the Sins.

>I didn't really know what you were trying to say in this sentence but I hope I reworded it in a better way so it's easier to understand what you're trying to get across.

Original: It was his guilty pleasure this days; making Sungyeol laugh to the point of not breathing while Myungsoo only stared beside him, engraving another beautiful sight in his retinas. 

Correction: It was his guilty pleasure these days—making Sungyeol laugh to the point of not breathing while he only stared beside him, engraving another beautiful sight in his retinas.

>A small mistake is all. Also don't overuse the characters names. When you said Myungsoo instead of he, it sounded like you were talking about someone else and it didn't make that much sense. 

Chapter Four

Original: Really, this was the reason why he avoided love too much; it mase you stupid and could easily bring down the greatest of all people.

Correction: Really, this was the reason why he avoided love so much; it makes you stupid and could easily bring down the greatest of all people.

>I think you were trying to say made but I feel that makes sounds better with this sentence. Also too didn't sound right hence the reason I changed it to so and I italicized it to emphasize since it seem like you were trying to do that with too.

Chapter Six

Original: There wad also this thick between Myungsoo and Sungyeol and he knew for a fact it wad not one sided.

Correction: There was also this thick between Myungsoo and Sungyeol and he knew for a fact it wasn't unrequited.

>Typo.

There were more errors but it'd bee too much if I were to point every single one out. Just go over and edit your work and I'm sure you'd be fine.

Writing Style: (18/20)

One thing I really loved about your writing was that you used a lot of big words. You didn't keep it simple but you made everything more descriptive with the words you used. I was hoping that I would be able to read a story like that and yours fit the bill. It made the fic sound a lot better and colorful and mature I'd say since you used a variety of different words to describe a characters actions or how they said something. I just wished you hadn't overused the characters names because then you'd have a perfect score. 

Characterization: (29/30)

I liked the characters personalities a lot, especially Woohyun and Dongwoo. Dongwoo's character seemed so innocent and cute and gah! My feels for him were like shooting up! But I really loved how you made Woohyun's character. He seemed the most realistic to me in a way (well they all did but I just like his character the best). I think the characters are completely believable by the way they act, though some of their reactions were a little more exaggerated than the usual (which isn't a bad thing because I thought those parts were pretty funny).

Flow: (28/30)

There were more than a few choppy sentences in your story but it wasn't so bad that I had absolutely no idea what you were trying to say (I always got a gist of what you were trying to get across). But, when you're changing the scene (aka when you change focus on characters) you should put a little space in between the horizontal line just to make it look better and so everything won't look so bunched up. The many mistakes throughout the story that took away from your score and I understand that EVERYONE has typos but it seemed like before you didn't read over your chapters at all before you put them out. If you could just do that, I'm sure you'll see mistakes you didn't even know were there.

Anyway, the pace wasn't too fast. I think the way the fic is moving along is just fine. I'm happy that you're not making it too slow that you're dragging everything on. It's drama filled even with the chapters being so short which is something I really like. Once again, great job.

Reader's Scope/ Overall Enjoyment (4.5/5)

This fic, I must say, was completely enjoyable to me. I love the drama and the characters and just everything! It was perfect and different and I'll definitely be subscribing! Awesome job!

Bonus (+2)

Final Score/ Total (188.5/200) = 94.25%

A/N:

I hope you take my advice. Once again, I love the story and can't wait to see what going to happen next! 

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