Review for gaksitalGaksital // Reviewed by: pilsuk123

Title and Story link:  

And He Took Her to Neverland (Completed, review with three chapters)

Title: (18/20)

I loved the title! Granted it's a long title, I actually love how it sums up the whole story very directly. Before reading the story, I had the interpretation that he's a peterpan and he brings her to explore and enjoy neverland but I think the beauty of the title is when the interpretation is different after reading the story. It's actually scary to think of it that he really did take her to neverland - his neverland. A place that caused her to lose her mind and continuously live in denial that Chanyeol is still alive. I loved it. Very haunting, original, relates to the story and very direct. Love it!

Overall Appearance: (4/5)

The overall appearance was perfect! I love the background picture, the poster, the font style and size you used and how you styled the whole story and paragraphed your story, it was neat and great! No issue here except that I wished you had organized the d/f page a little better, especially the credits part (discussed more in d/f below).

Description and Foreword: (15/20)

I thought the description and foreword of the story came off very unoriginal and typical peterpan stories and it was kind of a waste because the story was actually original in its own way with a shocking plot twist! You could've kept the description content brief and short and more description of neverland instead of the quote and conversation except which might come off as unoriginal and not special. The crediting part was messy because there's so many things going on without consistency. As because you have a lot to credit, you could have made a structure to make it neater and try not to use red colour as it takes the focus of the whole story's description content.

Eg structure:( use it for everything that you need to credit in the same way to make it look more organized)

Shop title, reviewer/graphic designer username, type of service (review/graphic) etc 

banner

Plot: (19/30)

The plot was a bit of disappointment for me. Initially, I had expected a story more focused to neverland because it's what the whole story is about. However, I find the focus of the story isn't centered or concentrated. Chanyeol, the main character, barely appeared in the second and third chapter which should not be the case. Secondly, Chanyeol brought her to neverland once. I wished you could have written more about it, describe the place more, describe the moments spent between Chanyeol and Yoon Mi more instead of focusing it on Yixing in the later parts of the story. Thirdly, the background story isn't strong and detailed enough. The background story here refers to the introduction part of the story and for this story, it's about the whole idea of how Chanyeol and Neverland happened and how Chanyeol fell for Yoon Mi. There was holes in the story that goes unanswered. Did Yoon Mi imagined the whole thing with Chanyeol? Does that include making up the whole thing about Chanyeol and her together? It wasn't clear and I wished you have a 4th chapter to actually address to all of the questions but having it from someone else's point of view. Perhaps Yifan and how it all happened and what actually happened etc The ending of the story was abrupt but I loved how you didn't just spell everything out for the readers but kind of indirectly tell the readers about the revelation of Chanyeol's death. Overall, a lot of potential in the story but to summed it all, good plot idea and a different perterpan fanfic.

Originality: (15/20)

I had to deserves you point that you so deserve about that bloody plot twist at the end! I can't say I'm 100% surprised because along the story there's clue about Chanyeol missing school, Jaejoong the doctor and Yixing but I'm still surprised and enjoy plot twist so good job on putting the plot twist in. Without the plot twist, the whole story would've been very unoriginal and typical perterpan/neverland ff so great job! It made the title and story makes a lot more sense as well! 

Language: (18/20)

There's no doubt that you know your basic grammar well because I can tell that you must have put in a lot of effort to make the story's grammar perfect. The tenses and sentence structure was great! However, I do realized that throughout the story, there's spelling errors in between. I've pointed out two below but do proof read and put the chapter on spell check for more possible errors and also because you didn't disallow the selection part, I can't help you point out the rest.

Chapter 1:

-She often for looking like Walt Disney's Dumbo, but Chanyeol was always proud of his humungous ears.

(She often for looking like Walt Disney's Dumbo, but Chanyeol was always proud of his humongous ears.)

Chapter 3:

-He had hoped that to apologise to her.

(He had hoped to apologise to her.)

-Pictures of previous basketball teams were aligned on the bland wallsl.

(Pictures of previous basketball teams were aligned on the bland wall.)

Writing Style: (20/20)

Perfect score here because not only did you have a wonderful sense of writing style that makes me want to drown in your descriptive writing but also your range of vocabulary are worth the praise! 

Characterization: (18/30)

I felt that the characters characterization was a bit all over the place. I just can't picture them and their actions are not consistent with their characters. For Yoon Mi, she way portrayed to be a shy and quiet and extremely emotional character but I find how she's reacting to Yixing to be the opposite. It's as though I'm reading two characters with the same name ; Yoon Mi with Yixing and Yoon Mi with Chanyeol feels like two different person. For Chanyeol too. I feel that he's always changing and his character is never quite consistent. For instance, he kept changing his mind about Yixing. From being jealous and later to forcing Yoon Mi to go to Yixing. Also, for someone who shed tears easily (walking the hallway), she doesn't feel remorse after losing her best friend and also for treating Yixing so rudely. Also, there are many occasions she's really quiet but from the way she spoke to Yixing, it feels like another character because she uses sarcasm and sounds really crude. She's also a too overly emotional character which can get too much because I feel that she's always shedding tears for no good reason, it makes it less impactful when she cry again for future chapters. I hope you get what I'm trying to say but do let me know if you need more explanation!

For Chanyeol's character, I don't think it's a good idea for a peter pan , Chanyeol, to be going to the school because they leaves a lot of questions to clear. Who's his parents? Does his family know? Where does he stay in earth? How does he knows aabout never land? Was he born in never land or earth? etc It makes things complicated and most of the questions will go unanswered. I felt that it was a better idea to keep things simple and let Chanyeol be that peter pan who brings Yoon Mi to never land every night instead of being a classmate and schoolmate. However, overall wise, the two main character's characterization are considered to be weak and they're inconsistent. Yixing's was the exception because his character was consistent and clear.

Flow: (17/30)

The flow of the story was alright but it would have been better to not skipped too much and continue from the previous scene to a new chapter because then you missed out a lot of details and disrupt the flow of the story. The pace of the story was too fast for me as well. For a chaptered story, you could have taken it slower with more details and scenes in the story focusing on the main characters. For eg: the back story and how it all happened, during the trip to neverland, meeting yixing, chanyeol goes missing, missing school because of doctor's visit and of course end it with Yixing being in Yoon Mi life to help her get out of neverland.

Reader's Scope/ Overall Enjoyment (3/5)

I enjoyed the last chapter the most because it was where it all happened about Chanyeol's death. Although it was short one, I liked how it make the story different from the rest. I love how you write the story. The way you describe certain things makes me want to re-read them a million times. Your range of vocabulary are amazing! If only the story was longer though!

Bonus (+4)

Bonus points for that unexpected and surprising plot twist at the end and also for Yixing because he sounds like a great character in the story! 

Final Score/ Total (149/200) = 74.5%

A/N:

extrememly long review bu hoped you might find it insightful! Best wishes!

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