Review for marzorie25 // Reviewed by: Fantascape

Title and Story link:  

Still (On-going, reviewed with 5 chapters)

Title: (14/20)

I found the title to be quite interesting. Single-worded titles always have the disadvantage of being rather simple and easy to forget. However, they're also a no-brainer to remember, and yours is no exception. When I first read the title of "Still", I figured you were using the word in its adjective form. I thought 'still' would imply something that has yet to move or make a sound. After reading your fic, though, I realized that the meaning leans more so towards the adverb form- including the present time even after an implied passage of it. However, the title could very well refer to its adjective form too. It's could go either way, but I thought it was rather mysterious to not know for sure. Overall, I found the title to be forgettable, but slightly clever in its simplicity. It's just so simple, that it gives very little away and made me truly want to find out just what it was implying.

Overall Appearance: (5/5) 

The poster you used was absolutely gorgeous. It was a perfect blend of lights and darks that contrasted against one another, much like Baekhyun and Chanyeol, themselves. It cast shadows over their faces and highlighted their skin so beautifully. The font used in it also appeared much like what you'd see in professional graphic art. I'd suggest you add a background as well, though. It doesn't make or break your story, but it definitely serves to bring out the fic itself against the expanse of white on the screen. The font of the chapters is an elegant serif lettering that adds to the sullen nature of the story. It emphasizes the sincerity of the fic, so for that I commend you. The spacing was rather oddly-placed, though, and excessively-used. I know you wanted to separate the flash-backs from the present story, but perhaps you could take out one or two lines of space so that there isn't so many blank areas. I also loved the way you provided snapshots of certain scenes through pictures. It was a clever way to go about it and a refreshing break amid the chapters. The pictures beautifully depicted the scenes while maintaining the darker, dramatic atmosphere.

Description and Foreword: (17/20)

The description was incredibly simple... It holds a lovely bout of simplicity, much like the title, but I found it wasn't needed. If you already have such a short title, you can feel free to elaborate just a bit in the next sections. The description is the third thing (behind the title and the poster, respectively) that can truly determine whether or not your fic will be read. You definitely did a good job not revealing too much and piquing our curiosity. However, you have just enough room to reveal a bit more in another sentence to further enrapture the readers. You don't have to give an elaborate summary... Just add a handful of details here and there.

I loved the way you placed Chanyeol and Baekhyun's character bios on opposite ends of the page. I thought it was a beautiful way to portray conflict or a mirror-effect (whether or not you intended to). I also love how you added a quotation, rather than providing a lengthy summary of their characterizations (things that should already be included in the chapters anyway). My only complaint is how awkward the pictures looked in their placement. They almost looked a couple of spaces too close to the alignment of the words. I'd indent it just a bit or move the picture to make it seem less coincidental.

Plot: (20/30)

Due to the straightforward nature of the plot, this section will be far shorter than you may anticipate. Overall, "Still" revolves around a young man, Byun Baekhyun, who finds himself torn over a decision he'd made long before to sever his relationship with his boyfriend, Park Chanyeol. The fiction relays his accounts of his daily routines and mundane happenings, all the while infusing painful memories of their then-perfect relationship. He feels (and is) at fault for their break-up due to the fact that he felt he was losing himself. They split, but the trauma still haunts him to this day as he's still plagued with regret... However, just as he hits the lowest of his sorrow, he finally encounters a more confident and impressive Chanyeol years after they severed ties. Now, he's forced to face the renewed vigor of his angst all over again.

Alright, so that was the synopsis that I basically gathered. I know there's more, but this is what the five chapters you have up portrayed. The story is very cut and dry: boy falls in love, breaks up, and now has regrets. The circumstances behind that split are what separate this story all on its own. I'll admit, I haven't seen many stories out there in which a person was willing to risk a beautiful relationship to reclaim a sense of 'self' that they'd already had. It was different and a bit dangerous in that it was lost upon me completely. I felt that the reasoning behind his choice should have been better interpreted and elaborated far more than it was.

Also, I found that even after Baekhyun broke up with Chanyeol, it was almost a waste. He left him because he wanted to regain himself... And yet as soon as they split, he was so heartbroken that he opted to merely busy himself with distractions. There was no prominent character growth or major change that came forth. If anything, Baekhyun remained stagnant and began to digress in an unproductive means of mechanically going through his life. There was no 'unexpected trip across the world' or 'bungee-jumping to find the freedom of life'. There was simply Baekhyun wallowing in the shame of his decision. I wished that he'd done something... I truly wished that if he decided to cut out what they had, that he would at least make something of himself to warrant the decision. If anything, Chanyeol was the one who progressed... Just as he had when they were together. It gave Baekhyun's character a weakness that didn't seem to fit him before or during the period when they parted ways...

Originality: (9/20)

 Honestly, I wasn't very impressed with the originality of the fic. The concept of lost-love via break-up and the resulting regret is actually quite common. Many authors tend to go down different roads with it, but the overall themes are similar. These stories usually hold traces of angst and drama, much like your fic does. There are only tiny aspects of your story that truly make it stand out. For one thing, the layout of the fic was the most unique to me. The employment of flashbacks is a difficult thing to do, but you pulled it off wonderfully. I also like how you made the story in Baekhyun's point of view- the one who broke himself from Chanyeol. Usually, fics are told from the POV of the 'dumpee', not the 'dumper'. So seeing it in this new light is rather nice. Other than that, I couldn't really find much about your story that made it truly stand against the others I've read with similar plotlines. However, I'm aware that your fic isn't over yet, and I'm sure that you have more in store for your readers. 

Language: (19/20)

Overall, your linguistic skills were quite good! I couldn't seem to make note of any recurring errors. Of course, there were a handful of typos every now and again, but such is to be expected in anything written (much like how I'm sure this review, itself, will have plenty of mistakes). On the basis of your flow, I'll discuss that in the appropriate section. Your writing style and syntax will also be briefly covered in the next section. For now, I'll only point out a few technical errors that I happened upon while reading.

Chapter 1

Your words: "Exercise was something he has never done in months because of his busy academic life in the city."

My correction: "Exercise was something he hadn't done in months because of his busy, academic life in the city."

Chapter 2

Your words: "It surely felt good walking outside, because Baekhyun never felt so refreshed in a long time."

My correction: "It felt good walking outside, especially since Baekhyun hadn't felt so refreshed in a long time."

Chapter 3

Your words: "What could have went wrong?"

My correction: "What could have gone wrong?" or "What went wrong?"

Chapter 4

Your words: "Then there was silence, a deafening one."

My correction: "Then there was a deafening silence."

Chapter 5

Your words: "He was too excited that he almost tripped over Kyungsoo."

My correction: "He was so excited that he almost tripped over Kyungsoo."

Writing Style: (19/20)

Your writing style is simplistic, but allow me to elaborate on that a bit more. It shies away from using words that one would normally have to search for in an updated dictionary. It allows for a broader scope of readers- whether native English-speakers or not- to understand your meaning. However, it also gives the story an almost lackluster appeal. Nothing's wrong with throwing in a few more elegant means of description. Which reminds me, the description of the story had begun to fade halfway through. I was met with this beautifully-depicted scene on the first chapter, and the rest did not disappoint. You did a marvelous job capturing the environment in which Baekhyun sowed his angsty oats. However, once things began to happen (notably beginning in the third chapter), that descriptive charm receded. It makes sense to speed the progression of a story when action takes its dominance. However, this story is one that revolves around drama. It exists for emotion and it thrives by creating an aura heavy enough for even the readers to grasp. Try maintaining that sense of 'presence' in your writing, even when you introduce those quirky, comedic moments.

I also noticed that you'd undergone quite a few tense shifts. The story seems to mostly revolve around simple past tense. However, there were quite a few incidents in which you switched to present tense. Most of these incidents did not even take place during the POV-shifting. It would be best to go over the chapters once more, while reading them aloud. You could also enlist the help of a beta-reader if you need it. However, don't spend any karma in such an investment. There weren't enough errors, nor were they bad enough to warrant any sacrificial payment.

Characterization: (27/30)

I'm not sure I truly followed Baekhyun's characterization. First off, you did a wonderful job playing about his emotional state. The dramatic feels were present throughout the first few chapters. His internal conflict was what spiced up the angst and gave him a true purpose- a story to tell. However, I don't really know if I am supposed to feel sorry for him. At this point, I'm afraid to say that I don't... He and Chanyeol met a couple of years prior in class, and had been involved with each other ever since. I'm not really sure how long Chanyeol waited before he confessed because the scenes weren't presented in chronological order. You displayed their love well, and I found those flashbacks to be cute and enjoyable. However, I still don't understand just why Baekhyun chose to leave him... It seemed that he felt that he was being overshadowed by Chanyeol, but what did that have to do with their relationship? Chanyeol was the shy, new kid who met the more popular (at the time) Baekhyun. As they dated, Yeol gained a sense of self and Baekhyun somehow began to...lose his? I wasn't sure if that warranted a break-up. If anything, I felt that it was Chanyeol who should have been in the worst standings, seeing as he was the new kid on the block who relied on his boyfriend to break his shell. Even if Chanyeol began to do that on his own without his boyfriend's help, the only reason Baek should feel anything less than a sense of pride or lighthearted competitiveness is if he were jealous. Thus, I don't feel pity for Baekhyun... Even in the throes of angst, once I realized the situation, I wasn't sure why the story was presenting Baekhyun as if he were the victim. He gave up on a good thing the two of them had, because of his insecurities... However, I'm glad that he at least realized that he was the one at fault. I realize that Baekhyun was unable to accept that their love had seemed to 'trap' him in this cage of 'couplehood'. It was suffocating and probably unbearable for a free-spirit such as himself. It makes the situation understandable, but it still doesn't cultivate much empathy on my part.

Chanyeol's character was so likeable... I'm siding with Baekhyun in saying that he deserves someone better. He moved in the late stages of his youth to a new place, riddled with fear and facing the doubtless bouts of judgement he'd receive from his unfamiliar peers. It made sense for him to cling to the first ray of kindness or spark of interest he could gather. But he didn't just stay in Baekhyun's shadow... Rather than using him, he made a name for himself and flourished. He's presented as a guy with no faults, save for those that Baekhyun placed on him. He really does seem like a good character. However, I'd watch for any slight chance of him becoming a stereotypical 'angelic' type. Don't have Baekhyun harbor all of the flaws to himself. There really isn't much more to say about this boy seeing as it's told in Baek's POV and Chanyeol's character just doesn't have any everpresent faults... It's concerning, but that's probably because he's being compared to Baekhyun, who's practically in an emotional wreck.

Flow: (28/30)

The story held a sequence of 'flow' in some areas and jolted a bit in others. Your syntax, as I mentioned, lacked in much complexity. However, this simple style of writing was consistent for the most part. Regardless, I found a slight shortage of 'cushion'. There wasn't much to truly ease into each sentence, much less each scene. The first chapter or so upheld a cushiony feel with the usage of details to pause amid the scenes and suspende the tone. However, as you neared Chanyeol's arrival, the jarred areas became far more frequent. Details aren't the only aspect that can add to the flow of a story. You'd be amazed by how much a few simple word additions/alterations can change the smoothness of a sentence. Contractions (but, yet, so, etc.) can ease independent clauses in such a way that they are better unified. Tacking on adverbs can also present the sentence in a more manageable form as opposed to simply diving right in. For instance:

Your words: "The crisp autumn scent filled the air as Baekhyun stretched his arms. He breathed deeply, and the sun shone brightly outside as its rays passed through the window pane. It was a Saturday, and he was spending a few days off his vacation in his hometown. He slept well last night after an exhausting four-hour bus ride. He missed his bed, and the soft, fluffy duvet hugging him."- Chapter 1

My correction: "The crisp, autumn scent filled the air as Baekhyun stretched out his arms. He breathed deeply, inhaling the bright sun that pressed its rays through the window pane. It was a Saturday and he was spending a few of his vacation days in his hometown. Luckily, he'd slept well last night after an exhausting four-hour bus ride. After all, he missed his bed and the soft, fluffy duvet that hugged him."

Reader's Scope/ Overall Enjoyment: (4/5) 

I found the story to be very well-crafted, and I still can't get over how ingenious it was of you to utilize those images as 'snapshots' of their flashbacks. The story was presented piece by piece and in manageable bits, so that I could easily catch on. I also loved that you did not simply insert flashbacks in the order they occurred. Rather, you added them to tack onto whatever Baekhyun was feeling or thinking of at the present moment, while also relaying the story to us. Even so, I found the story to be slightly lackluster. I'm a huge fan of angst, but I couldn't find the means to relate to Baekhyun's self-inflicted drama. I know that the story is not yet complete, so I won't judge too harshly by making any assumptions or predictions. Feel free, though, to play with our feelings and add twists. Don't allow it to go as we think it will. The fic is yours, so feel free to take advantage of your power.

Bonus (+5) 

I'm giving you a 5 point bonus for having to put up with waiting for me... School has been incredibly hectic, and I found that juggling Nursing courses while also upholding a job will be far more difficult than I thought. I hope to make time for this shop in the near future, but until then it means so much to us that you were willing to wait it out!

Final Score/ Total (167/200) = 83.5%

A/N:

PLEASE don't take any of what was said to heart. I'd love for you to heed my advice and take my critiques or take them with a grain of salt. However, please don't feel as if I'm insulting you or criticizing your talent. It's because I see so much potention in these works that I find myself being the strictest. Your story truly is good... Even if it didn't resonate with me, you have an army of viewers and subscribers who might have found much more meaning in it! ^_^

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