Title and Story link:  

Falling (Completed, three-shot)

Title: (18/20)

The title made sense with the story I think. It could've been a little more creative but, really, what better title could there have been? It definitely caught my attention because all I could think was "Falling for what?" I wasn't disappointed. Great job!

Overall Appearance: (3/5) 

The description was interesting. As soon as I read it, I wanted to read more; figure out what the story was behind everything. The poster, however, I didn't like it. It didn't make sense with the story in my opinion. I can't critique you on a background since you don't have one but I think if you did and it was a dark color (like black) it would set the mood for the story better and maybe make the poster fit better. 

Description and Foreword: (19/20)

The description, as stated above, I thought was interesting and attention grabbing. It makes the reader want to know what more. For that, I say good job. I also like how you formatted it. It looked nice and really fit the story well. Except, the quote (?), I thought that was from the story initially but after reading it, it's not. I would say you should try to get those lines in there but the story's complete so it wouldn't make much sense. I would suggest you try to use quotes from the story if you're going to put them in the description.

Plot: (24/30)

I got a different feeling with your plot. I never would've guessed Sehun would be like that. Also the plot twist were REALLY good. There were many moments for me when I was like "WHAT!?" It's one of the things I enjoyed about your story. As for the realisticness, it wasn't really there. Xiumin dying so suddenly didn't make any sense to me. He was barely introduced and then he's just, dead already, I didn't get it. And then Luhan. The choices he made I would never in a million years. His character didn't seem that believable to me but from his indirect thoughts, it helped establish a realistic nature within him. The romance between Sehun and Luhan confused me. They barely knew each other yet they suddenly felt so deeply for each other. If you maybe built up their romance a little more in depth, then it wouldn't seem so unrealistic.The ending was abrupt, definitely. It was rushed and I think you could've done a lot more with it. 

Originality: (14/20)

Your plot wasn't very original, I'd say. I've read other fics that's somewhat like yours so I wouldn't say this particular story will be too memorable for me. The plot twists were really great and helped develop the plot, kind of like you took that extra step away from such a cliché story.  

Language: (14/20)

The grammar and spelling mistakes could've been avoided. When I read your story, it seemed like you rushed writing it and didn't look over your work. As the parts went on though, it got progressively better. But I will say, it was definitely a turn off.

I'd like to point out some mistakes: **Sorry if there are any mistakes in the original. I retyped everything.**

Part One

Original: “And last but not least Mr. Lu has the highest score again.“

Correction: “And last, but not least, Mr. Lu has the highest score again.”

>This is what I meant in rushing with your work. There was a mistake in the first sentence and it really turned me off. I added some commas where I think there needed to be a pause and I also fixed the quotation mark.

Original: It may seem boring to anyone else but to Luhan that small list meant everything. Because the destination is important here. The end result. And for someone like him who has lived his whole life with parents that didn't have enough for food most days and had to worry if they will have a roof over their heads the next week, they often didn't, stability meant everything. So Luhan's main goal was to work heard and earn it no matter what anyone else thought of him. 

Correction: It may seem boring to anyone else, but to Luhan, that small list meant everything.Because destination was important here; the end result. And for someone like him, who's lived his whole life with parents that didn't have enough money for food most days, and always had to worry if they'll have a roof over their heads the next week—they often didn't—stability meant everything. So naturally, Luhan's main goal was to work hard and earn everything he can no matter what anyone else thought of him.

>Overuse of the word and. I added a couple of my own words to make it flow better.

Original: "Thank you Ms. Lee." Luhan replied with a sweet smile making everyone else in the classroom groan.

Correction: "Thank you, Ms. Lee," Luhan replied with a sweet smile, making everyone in the classroom groan.

>The correct way to format dialogue in this situation.

Original: Luhan was taking the books he needs next out of his locker. Ignoring the loudness that surrounded him like he always does.

Correction: Luhan was taking out the books he needed for his next class, ignoring the loudness that's always surrounding the hallways, as usual.

> Wrong tense and I connected the two sentences. "Ignoring the loudness that surrounded him like he always does" isn't a sentence. I noticed you do this a lot, so I would suggest you read over your work and fix the sentences that are like this.

Original: Who is this boy? I never saw him before; Luhan thought, still too entranced to look away even though he knew he should. He just couldn't.

Correction: Who is this boy? I've never seen him before, Luhan thought, still too entranced to look away. He knew he should've, but he just couldn't.

>When you want to express a character's thought, us italics. It looks a lot better and it makes it easier for the reader to understand.

Original: " off!" The boy suddenly growled at the ones who pushed him. Finally startling Luhan out of his thoughts. He shook his head to clear, seeing the mysterious boy quickly compose himself and push through the gathering crowd as fast as possible. Obviously wanting to get away. 

Luhan had a strange urge to call after him. To go after the boy that he didn't even know the name of, but before he could even comprehend it the boy was gone. Nowhere in sight. So with a sigh and another shake of his head Luhan finally gathered his things and made his way to his next class. Pushing the weird feeling the new boy just awoken to the father corner of his mind. Just wanting to forget all this even happened. Not understanding what just happened anyway.

Correction: " off!" The boy suddenly growled at the ones who pushed him, finally startling Luhan out of his thoughts. He shook his head, seeing the mysterious boy quickly compose himself and push through the gathering crowd as fast as possible—obviously wanting to get away.

Luhan had the strangest urge to call after him; to go after the boy he didn't even know the name of. But before he could even comprehend any of it, the boy was gone. Nowhere in sight. With a sigh and another shake of his head, Luhan gathered the rest of his things and made his way to his next class, trying to push the weird feeling the new boy had awoken the furthest corner of his mind. He just wanted to forget all this ever happened.

>I changed some sentences, added some sentences from the ones I changed, and took out the last one. It was unnecessary.

Original: A week has passed since the locker incident and everythi9ng was as normal as ever for Luhan. 

Correction: A week passed since the locker incident and everything was as normal as before for Luhan.

>I took out the has because it makes it seem like the tense it present when the story is mostly in past tense. Also, a small typo.

Original: Some one bumped into Luhan's back hard. Startling him out of his thoughts and causing me to stumble foreword, almost falling as he did. This is if there weren't strong hands catching him just in time and keeping him on his feet.

Correction: Someone bumped into Luhan's back hatd, frightening him out of his thoughts and causing him to stumble foreword—almost falling—that is, if it weren't for strong hands that caught him just in time to steady him on his feet.

>I thought you could use a change of words since it seemed to me that the words were getting repetitive. 

Original: So so much blood.

Correction: So, so much blood. 

>When you want to emphasize something, use italics.

Part Two

Original: At he was hanging out with him out of fear of Sehun. Afraid to be alone anywhere. But soon they because really close friends. Maybe it even started turning into something more. But then luhan came home one day to find a note on his door again.

Correction: And he was hanging out with him out of fear of Sehun; afraid to be alone anywhere. Quickly, they became really close friends. Maybe it even started to turn into something more. But then Luhan came home one day to find a note on his door again.

Part Three

Original: The questions found it selves in Luhan's head as he faltered a bit.

Correction: The questions found themselves in Luhan's head as he faltered a bit.

>I don't think it selves is a word. 

Writing Style: (14/20)

One thing I didn't like was that you basically used the same words over and over. And you used the word 'but' a lot. It didn't sound right. There were some moments when you used different words which was like a breath of fresh air. Try to look for synonyms. It'll make the fic more interesting to read and give the reader a better image of what you're trying to create. 

I think you focused abundantly on the character's inner thoughts (well Luhan's inner thoughts) though not as directly as I would've liked. The story was mostly centered on him so I understand there's really no need for direct inner thoughts, but there were only like two moments in the story that you did. It seemed kind of thrown in there. 

For descriptions, you could've, again, used a wider range of words to create a better image. You didn't really describe anything except for the house Sehun lived in and Sehun himself. It would've been better if you could've described Luhan's house because I couldn't for the life of me get an image of where he lived. Also, I remember you mentioned that Luhan's parents didn't have enough money for most things and that they had to move around a lot. I think you forgot about that because there wasn't anything talking about/describing that situation. That also seemed like something was thrown in the story randomly.

Characterization: (22/30)

The only character I think would be memorable for me is Sehun. He seemed more interesting to read and the whole story was focused on Luhan. I feel like his character wasn't that believable. The way he was portrayed and the choices he made wasn't convincing. You could've spiced him up more. It would've been more enthralling to read. The romance between Sehun and Luhan was somewhat rushed and seemed kind of forced. 

Flow: (24/30)

The story's pace I think was a tad too fast. You should've slowed it down. The first part was talking about when Sehun and Luhan met and then the next one was a year later. It confused me. Then in part two you jumped back to the year part one was in and I couldn't wrap my head around what time it was in. Try to be more clear in what time and place your going to write about.

There weren't any sentences that I didn't completely understand, which is good. Even though I was confused in part one and part two, your story was fairly easier to follow more than others. 

Reader's Scope/ Overall Enjoyment: (3/5) 

The continuous grammatical mistakes and the abrupt ending made me not really enjoy the story as much as I hoped. I would suggest getting a beta-reader to go over your work so there won't be so many mistakes. 

Bonus: (+2) 

Final Score/ Total (157/200) = 78.5% 

A/N:

I am truly sorry for the really late review. I hope I wasn't too harsh!

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