Review for Ambizzbo // Reviewed by: pilsuk123

Title and Story link:  

Apricity (Completed one-shot)

Title: (14/20)

I do not have any idea what Apricity means so I searched it on the net and according to Urban Dictionary it actually means the warmth radiating from the sun during the winter season. And I knew that it was a suiting and wonderful title for the story because the highlight of the story (near the ending/ of the story) it kind of ended with characters feeling the warmth from the sun and it kind of represents the story in a way which is why I thought it's a good title. However, even though it does make a suitable title for the story and is original, it doesn't draw readers in because the title meaning is unknown to them which usually doesn't interests them. I would recommend to put in a simpler title with the same meaning or explain the meaning of the title in the f/d to let them know the meaning of it.

Overall Appearance: (4/5)

The font and size of the wording used was suitable and I liked how it's kind of small and grey which suits the whole mood of the story being cold and white and grey. The poster is really pretty as well, however, it could only think of how the background picture of snow or the background picture of the poster could be used as the background picture and it would make it so much prettier. I can already visualize it!

Description and Foreword: (11/20)

The description and foreword part was kind of a mess to me. I re-read the whole page about 6 times and still I can't seem to fathom on what's going on. Here are some parts which I would change but I think chaning up the whole description and foreword would be a good idea because it's confusing and it interrupts the flow of the story and it gives off too much for a one-shot of that length.

-An eternal winter has cursed my kingdom for centuries past. 

(An eternal winter has cursed the kingdom for the past centuries and those that who ventured out will eventually join the cold.)

-The mystifying peril that lies in the dark oblivion outside has put my kingdom in a deep slumber. 

(The mystifying peril that lies across dark oblivion beyond the palace walls has set the kingdom into a deep and cold wintery slumber.)

Plot: (18/30)

The plot of the story was a bit too short for a story to be called complete even for a one-shot. It's really short and if you could written more, it would help make the story more complete and easier to understand and enjoy. The story was pretty simple - Prince Jaejoong ventured out in search for his parents. The conflict of the story is that he got tricked and probably would be able to return alive. I quite liked the idea but I have to say that I kind of misunderstood the story because when I was analyzing the f/d part, I looked into the characters pairing and thought that the story would be more happening between Jaejoong and Yunho as a pairing. At least romantically or in the friendship kind of way but instead the characters didn't really develop. The plot was also slightly plain. It doesn't let readers go on that roller coaster ride of up and down, it just kind of goes in a straight line and a slight curve. You could've written more about the characters and how they develop together, the before the winter came, and how it came about, what happened to Jaejoong parents, why did his parents leave the castle, how did they die, what happened to them, how does Jaejoong cope when his parents are gone, how did he meet Yunho, why did he trusted Yunho? There are endless questions and doubt that you can grow and placed in the story to make it more intense and let readers get into the story. You could have written more in the of the story and express Jaejoong expression and feelings more.

Originality: (14/20)

The originality and your writing style probably saved you here because I think you have a great idea and plot story here and your writing style is actually rather interesting and deep. The idea of winter and cold season for eternity was kind of like frozen to me which I actually really find it interesting to read and the part about the cold maze where you can't escape was really cool as well. The part where Jaejoong finally realizes that Yunho is part of the winter was a pleasant surprise for me and I did not see it coming at all! You need such surprised and plot twists in the story to make it better and deep!

Language: (10/20)

Despite the fact that you have a great writing style, the language part is a different thing. There's so many parts I get confused about and wouldn't make any sense of but below I've tried to change it to make it easier to understand but overall the story it needs to be re-written/re-edited or hire a beta who will help you with this:

-I didn’t reply, but I felt icy prickles on my skin when he silently stood by me.

(I kept quiet as I feel the cold icy wind pricking on my skin while he stood silently.)

-“This night marks my parent’s anniversary.”

("This night marks my parent's tenth/10th year of disappearance.)

-I still had my head up into the sky, gazing on as the first sliver of light escaped the broken boundaries our dark world. It only happened once a year and exactly 10 years ago, my parents ventured. Now, it was my turn.

(I still have my head up facing the sky, gazing as the first sliver of light escaped the broken boundaries our dark world. It only happened once a year and exactly 10 years ago, my parents ventured and now, it was my turn.)

>You have a lot of broken and incomplete sentences such as 'Now, it was  my turn.' You can either join the sentences together to write a complete full sentence itself.

-I used my arms to push me onto my feet.

(I used my arms to support myself to stand back on my feet./ With the support of my arms, I pushed myself up. )

-With a smile, the sorceress waved her hand at her side and with a cracking sound, a smaller ice crag rose up from the frozen waters.  On it were drinks and treats all set.

(With a smile, the sorceress waved her hand and with a cracking sound, a small ice crag rose up from the frozen water and on it were sets of drinks and treats.)

- There was just snow all over where I couldn’t tell the sky from the ground.

(There's just snow all over and everywhere that I couldn’t tell the sky and the ground apart.)

Writing Style: (17/20)

How interesting your writing style is! The whole story itself is actually really interesting with the snow and fantasy part and fairies and I had fun trying to imagine all of it but your writing style is actually pretty unique. It isn't a usual writings and the words you used tend to be used rarely but you corporate them in well. If you can fix your language part, the writing style will even blossomed more.

Characterization: (15/30)

The characterization is weak solely because of how fast-paced and short the story is. There wasn't any character growth or neither did Yunho and Jaejoong grow in terms of characterization and in terms of relationship wise. I only know simple things such as Jaejoong being the prince and Yunho is actually part of the winter and that's why he survives and whatnot but other than that, there's nothing else. A great characterization and strong characters are actually much more important than plot in my story because they're the one that make readers want to stay and read on and see them grow. The details of the characters were just not enough in the story.

Flow: (14/30)

Throughout the story, I've mentioned that the story was way too short and it also affected the flow of the story because of the short length. The d/f further confuses me because was the content and paragraphs in the d/f supposed to be the introduction part of the story but you removed and placed in the d/f instead? It confuses me and I had to go back to read it again to be able to catch up with the story. It would've been better if you wrote a completely different and short description and move the content to the real chapter instead. Also the flow of the story was too fast with barely any building of intensity in the ending. Lastly, I feel that the story could have a better flow if you write more in-depth by explaining the character's feeling, what they're seeing, what they're thinking, background story etc are all potential to expand in the story. The ending of the story was also abrupt and doesn't have a closing feeling to let readers know that it's the end.

Reader's Scope/ Overall Enjoyment (3/5)

I actually enjoyed the story a lot. I adored the idea about the endless snow and cold and pain but I wished there was more to the story. I thought the ending of the story was going to be magical because Yunho and Jaejoong became close etc. Overall, I loved the idea of the story but there's definitely room for improvement! Good luck! 

Bonus (+3)

Additional bonus points because I think you put in a lot of effort in terms of using the right word in the story. Such as saber, apricity or scabbard. You definitely did your homework. Also the part about the sun's warmth was a beautiful part in the story! 

Final Score/ Total (123/200) = 61.5%

A/N:

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