Review for: dennisse // Reviewed by: sophomoric

Title and Story Link:

Your Shadow is My Shade (Discontinued/Completed; Eighteen chapters) 

(Please note that all reviews are mostly made up of opinion. I may sound harsh and point out flaws that you don’t agree with, but as a reader, those were the things that didn’t work for me, and me specifically. Feel free to defend your story. I will defend the review.)

Title:

Your title didn’t appeal to me. I found it strange and it seemed like you were trying too hard to create a fancy title. At the same time though, I was mildly curious to read and discover the connection between the title and the story. This led to utter disappointment when I found no relation whatsoever eighteen chapters into the fanfic. Perhaps you should brainstorm for a title better suited for the plot.

And also, the “I” in “is” is supposed to be capitalized. Your title should look like this: “Your Shadow Is My Shade.”

Overall Appearance:

There’s not much to say. Nothing irritated me.

Description and Foreword:

Your description didn’t strike me as fascinating but it had the gist of your story and a glimpse of the conflict so I’d say, good job. As for the excerpt in your foreword, it’s a bit wordy but the last line was definitely eye-catching.

Plot:

Jongin being forced to be an “angel” as a substitute for Kyungsoo’s death is intriguing. There was great potential in the story, in my opinion. However, you never went around to elaborate how that process worked so I don’t understand how Jongin was able to save Kyungsoo.

That aside, your version of a twisted Heaven is thought-provoking to me. The torture chambers and “angels” harvesting souls got my attention. The action of harvesting though, you still haven’t quite spelled out and that confused me. Harvesting souls should come after a death but in Sehun and Tao’s case, there was no death scene. You just cut right away to another scene.

Also, I believe you lost track of your original conflict. After around chapter eight, you began playing with the other characters and showing the stories from their point of view instead of the main character: Jongin. Kyungsoo was forgotten for a while and when you returned to him, readers found out he lost his memory. To me, that was not a good plot insert. There was no reason for it and it would only create unnecessary and predictable results e.g. Jongin reunites with his lover and Kyungsoo slowly regains his memory and they live happily ever after.

That was the point where I lost interest. I had no idea where you were going with the story and to me, the back stories of Luhan, Tao, etc. was no where near as important as Jongin’s situation.

Then, you discontinued the story because you felt lost.

Speaking from experience and not a reviewer, this is probably a result of writing with no set resolution in mind or coming back to the story after a long break. I’m speculating that that’s the reason why you discontinued the story. There was no goal for Jongin, no way out of his role in Heaven. He could only watch his boyfriend from far away.

But I believe if you found a way around that dilemma and created a loophole for Jongin to reunite with Kyungsoo, you would be able to continue the story because he possesses a drive to be together with his lover again.

Originality:

The “I love you so much, I would die for you” romance cliche is overused but the story wouldn’t have worked without it. And also the part with the sudden defect in the car’s brakes made little sense. But I really liked your version of Heaven. For the most part, it’s well thought out but at the same time, it’s still confusing and there’s a lot of areas you could add more details too. How Lord Kris “rules” the place or how souls are harvested are some examples.

Language:

It’s alright. There were some typos and some other mistakes I saw throughout the story.

You add commas in places you need to and also vice versa as well. For example, in Chapter One, the sentence, “Tongue to tongue, mouth to mouth, Kyungsoo explored Jongin with enthusiasm, his mouth sweet to the taste,” the last comma should be eliminated and replaced with a period. There should be a new sentence reworded.

As for commas and dialogue here are correct and incorrect ways to use them:

Correct: “Go away,” Jongin said.

Incorrect: “Go away,” Jongin clenched his fists.

If there’s an action following a dialogue, there shouldn’t be a comma but if you’re using words like said, replied, etc., then there should.

And since we’re on the topic of those verbs, I’ve noticed you tend to use words other than “said.” Speaking as a reader now, and not a reviewer, I would advise you to use said more often. Readers are used to it and it doesn’t disrupt the flow of your sentence as much as “replied,” “disagreed,” “snorted,” etc.

Writing Style:

I’m a picky reader but your story was readable. There were some descriptive metaphors that I really liked. You have a practical way of describing places.

You also have way too much dialogue. Unneeded dialogue. It would be a good idea to think about whether or not your dialogue moves the story forward or shows characterization. If it’s just boring greetings like “hi” or echoing words like the conversation between Jongin and Minseok in chapter eight, it should be edited out.

Characterization:

Aside from the plot, characterization is something that you need to work on. Jongin’s reaction to Kris announcing Kyungsoo was “dead” was unrealistic. As a reader, it annoyed me how delusional and stubborn he acted. However, that’s my opinion as a reader and mine only.

Luhan’s character fluctuated as well. Character personalities shouldn’t be completely set in stone because there needs to be room for them to grow but Luhan’s cold attitude towards soul harvesting should not be immediately changed when Sehun hugged him. It should bother him but he should not become instantly attached to the latter.

Jongin, on the other hand, has a vague personality. Sometimes he’s mad, sometimes he’s revolted and other times, he’s cold. The only thing that you’ve given him in terms of traits, is a fierce loyalty to Kyungsoo. He’s not thought out and realistic. Give him some flaws, habits and other traits.

Flow:

Your flow was alright. The only slow parts were when you got sidetracked (which you do a lot) so that’s something to work on.

Reader’s Scope/Overall Enjoyment:

As I said above, I’m a picky reader. Your story was alright up to around the the introduction to Heaven and then I found it dull and flat when you branched out the plot to other characters.

Reviewer’s Note:

I hope you don't feel discouraged. Your story is not bad. There aren’t any bad stories, so don’t feel down. Instead, I would hope you take my review and if you agree with the points I’ve made (and if only if you agree because you shouldn’t write to please others), edit the fanfiction. It has great potential.

I also apologize for the late review.

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