Review for thecrownedraven// Reviewed by: exoticmermaid

Title and Story link:  

Repair and Break Us Endlessly(Ongoing, reviewed with 21 chapters)

Title: (18/20)

The title is a little bit too long, but it does a good job in showing the desperation and pains that the characters are feeling. It's not the kind of title that I'd click right away when I saw it since it's pretty easy to guess what the whole story is about, but I think it'll interest the angst fan well enough. The title also has a strong connection with the story--the way life keeps on playing with the three brothers really showed the angst side of the story.

Overall Appearance: (4/5) 

The poster is not too appealing to me, since there are too many characters there. Still, it fits the story's genre well. Their faces--excluding Baekhyun's--showed pain and miseries, though I kind of wonder why Chanyeol's expression showed the most pain. The font the designer used for the word 'endlessly' is dramatic and it somehow emphasizes how terrible the whole breaking-repairing process. Your background is in a simple black and I think it's good because it matches with the story's mood and it doesn't distract the readers from reading. The font you use is also readable and, well, everything is neat.

Description and Foreword: (15/20)

The description is nice and alluring, especially with the last sentence. It's dark and mysterious and intriguing. I like how you managed to keep it simple and short yet still interesting, since you didn't reveal too much to lose the reader's interest. Your foreword, however, is the reason why I cut some points. Characters' descriptions in the foreword turns me off so much because it feels like a spoiler to me. I think to find out the characters by myself in the story is more appealing rather than knowing them from you putting their names and all in the foreword. Also, at Sehun's description you write down Yifan's name as Kris, which supposed to be his alter ego's name. 

Plot: (25/30)

The plot is interesting, though it's not the most original out there. I like it how you potrayed the struggles of three brothers living together. It's nice to read a story where Yifan is so fragile--except when he's turned into Kris--and Jun is such an interesting kid.

Your story really has a lot of surprises. For example, their personality disorders. When I read the first few chapters I thought that their problems are only Jun's health, financial things and Yifan's harassment. I never once thought that the brothers have DIDs (Dissociative Identity Disorder) and such dark pasts. It's really creepy to think about brothers with the same disorders, especially one like Jun's--to have such an evil imaginary 'friend' and alter ego is depressing. The problems occured along the way are also real and not exaggerated at all. They're all realistic since they happened to a lot of people in real life.

On the description you mentioned about their meeting with two private school students and how the meeting would bring them troubles, but so far I don't see how Chanyeol and Baekhyun caused most of the troubles occurred so far--even Baekhyun seemed like a side character while Jongin, Yixing and others appeared more often than him. I'd like to see more of him in the future.

Here's a thing that threw me off. You know the chapter about Sehun's and Yifan's memories about being by the girls and Sehun's mother? You said Sehun was seven and Yifan was eight when it happened and I found it ridiculous because boys can't produce before they reached puberty and the youngest age for boys to reach puberty is 11 or 12, so for Yifan and Sehun to be aroused and even able to release makes me feel uncomfortable since I know it's impossible. Okay, this makes me sound like a ert, so I'll stop now.

There's also a problem with Jun's disorder, but I'll explain about it more in the characterization's section.

Originality: (20/20)

This is the first time I've read a story where the characters have so much problems. Sure I've read about brothers who struggle living without their parents and I've also read about people with DID, but this is the first time I've read a story where both ideas combined. The way you described Jun's disorder is just amazing and detailed. The surprises you scattered in the story also made it even more different than other stories. 

Language: (15/20)

One thing I noticed is that you sometimes mixed up the tenses. You use past tense for the story but sometimes, there are paragraphs/sentences in present tense. There are so little misspellings--which is good to know--and wrongly used punctuation marks--again, good to know--so I'm not going to scold you for that. Here are some mistakes that I've corrected:

(original): "Brother, you kept mumbling something? Did something happen at work?"

(correction): "Brother, why did you keep on mumbling? Did something happen at work?" (since the first sentence uses question mark, you should start it with a question word)

(original): He looked up at his brother, who was think about something.

​(correction): He looked up at his brother, who was thinking about something. (the 'think' is supposed to be in the -ing form since it's in past continuous tense)

(original): He was a bit embarrassed, but he wouldn't ask his brother to being affectionate.

​(correction): He was a bit embarrassed, but he would never ask his brother to stop being affectionate. (the sentence doesn't make any sense)

(original): "See you at work, you're shift is during the night."

​(correction): "See you at work. Your shift is during the night." ('your' shows belongings while 'you're' is a contraction of 'you are')

(original): Sehun said to himself with a prideful smile, "Seems that even Satan disguises himself as an angels of light."

​(correction): Sehun said to himself with a prideful smile, "Seems that even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light."

(original): His eyes are stuck on Yifan until he leaves with another boy. He wonders who the person next to Yifan is, and what their relationship is.

​(correction): His eyes were stuck on Yifan until he left with another boy. He wondered who the person next to Yifan was, and what their relationship was. (the next few sentences are also in present tense, and they're also grammatically correct aside from the use of tense)

(original): They fear they'll bully him for not being "beautiful" or "handsome" has they are. It'll only cause Jun to become more insecure than what he already was.

​(correction): They feared they would bully him for not being as "beautiful" or "handsome" as they were. It'd only cause Jun to become more insecure than he already was.

(original): He enjoyed to touch the flower's petals. 

(correction): He enjoyed touching the flower's petals.

Writing Style: (14/20)

The way you write is not really appealing. Most of the time you started a sentence with the character's name or 'he'. You lacked of descriptions about their surroundings which makes me picturing them talking and doing everything in a room with a white background because I have no idea where are they. The way you describe their thoughts is also very poor, making the readers hard to understand their emotions and making them feel distant with the characters. Try to be more descriptive in writing so it'd be more appealing to read.

Characterization: (20/30)

The main characters--Yifan, Sehun and Jun--have their own unique characters. There's Yifan, the loving brother who'd do anything for his brothers even though he's fragile and broken inside. There's also Sehun, the ice cold prince who also suffered inside because of the things happened to him in the past. He's also a little bit bratty since he's the second child--like they said, the middle children received less love--and loves to tease the younger, but he's still a good brother.

Then there's Jin, the youngest who suffered the most. Being phisically different from his two gorgeous older brothers makes him feel insecure and the abuse he received when he was younger also makes things worse. All of the sufferings result in a terrible personality disorder, where he has this evil other side that he thought is his guardian. But as the story goes on, he's starting to have other voices inside his head and his alter ego also became his imagination friend. All of them--the voices and his alter ego--whispers him horrible things and sometimes asks him to do bad things such as hurting Yifan--which he did, but he didn't have any memory about doing so. I thought instead of DID, Jun is suffering from schizophrenia, since he's hearing voices that tell him bad things and all, but well, it's just my opinion. Aside from his personality disorders, Jun is a bright, cheerful kid who loves his brothers and also would like to do anything to burden his brothers less.

But other than them, the other characters seem to not have develop. The protagonists mostly all the same--all adore Yifan and Sehun's stunning figures and love Jun--and so do the antagonists--they all ually deprived. I'm a little disappointed to know that Chanyeol and Baekhyun are the same with others since I thought they're the main characters.

I really don't know anything about the characters other than that since the lack of descriptions. I'd really like to know more about Yifan and Sehun other than what I've stated above because I know their characters are more than just that.

Flow: (25/30)

The flow is simply slow. There have been sixteen chapters--excluding the bonus chapters--yet the main conflict hasn't showed up yet. Some of the events are also pretty confusing, like when Yixing's mother appeared in the amusement park (why was she even there in the first place? Baby-sitting?) and called the brother's uncle, and it ruins the flow. The good thing is you really pay attention in the time-setting--though sometimes I find it not really necessary.

Reader's Scope/ Overall Enjoyment: (3/5) 

I'm really into this crazy personality disorder kind of thing lately, so it's fun to read. The lack of descriptions tho.

Bonus: (+3) 

Final Score/ Total (162/200) = 81%

A/N:

I think your story should be rated with the pretty sensitive issues. It's really nice to read, but a more descriptive writing would definitely give you a higher score :)

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