Review for Seifenblasenseele // Reviewed by: pilsuk123

Title and Story link:  

Wenn Wir Miteinander Tanzen (Completed one-shot)

Title: (15/20)

I have zero knowledge about german language so I had to translate it and google did a bad job because it was translated to 'If we dancing together' but somehow I felt that the main essence of the story was in the title which is a good job. However, the title would only interest readers who know how to read and understand the title, it's very limited. I thought a english title would be better or if you want to stick to have the title in non-engligh, keep it short and you can write the english meaning/translation on it as well. For eg. 'Miteinander Tanzen (Dancing Together)'. I wasn't interest by the story because of it title but I was drawn by the rather interesting d/f.

Overall Appearance: (4/5)

The overall appearance of the story was kept extremely simple. There wasn't a poster, background picture or anything but I liked the way you organize the chapter and the font and size was ideal. I think if you go to a really reliable and good graphic shop for a poster/background picture, it would changed a lot. I can already imagine a simple, dazzling backdrop and a poster with Kris and Yixing in it.

Description and Foreword: (17/20)

The description was short and simple, I like how simple and direct it is and yet you kept a lot of surprises and best part/plot twist untold in the d/f! It was mysterious as well which made me feel curious of what will happen during that night that made Kris' the best night. It was a very good catch on the description! Although, I was hoping for a title translation somewhere in the d/f or at least in the chapter but I didn't managed to get a translation or the meaning of the title. For the foreword, as well, I was hoping for a small explanation about the title and where you get the inspiration from but since I couldn't relate to 'Die Jungs' or the link for the song was no available anymore. 

Plot: (26/30)

Admittedly the way you've written th story was exrememly original, I still feel that the plot could be better and deeply developed further. It started and built up really quickly, I thought it'll be good to slow down a little in the beginning with a bit of a background between Yixing and Kris. I didn't know that either of them have feelings for each other until Luhan purposely tricked and made them dance together. 

There isn't much else to write because it's a rather short one-shot and considering that's it's a one-shot, I think you did well in planning and organsing the plot. From the exams period to the ending of the story. The ending of the story was such a cliff hanger, I literally screamed when I realized that it's the end! I mean... they were on to something really y! Damn :)

And also as you mentioned, the scope of the story isn't that big, although it will be better if it was more elaborated, I thought it's still ideal for a short one-shot like yours.

Originality: (20/20)

I'm so deeply in love with the simplicity of the story but you brought out a really original theme in it. It's just a simple story of Kris and Yixing in a party yet with all the details you added, it feels much more magical and complex than that. I can't describe the feelings I was getting by reading the story, it was really wonderful and original in a very unique and special manner. I'm all in. With the party, exams, game and of course not forgetting the two best parts - Yixing and Kris outside in the ending and the finale dance. 

Language: (20/20)

I know that you mentioned it was beta-read and you've proofread it in the foreword and you even added there shouldn't be any glaring mistakes but to my surprise this is extremely true. There was no mistake at all in the story or maybe it's just that I was too immersed in the story but I really think the story was proofread and beta-ed really well so it made the reading a lot more fun and easier to concentrate.

Writing Style: (20/20)

I love your writing style enough. It's easy to enjoy and yet it has it's own beauty in every sentence. I feel like everything that was writtin in the story sounded so magical and also very smartly written. I like how you don't spelled out things so obviously in the story but you let readers think and understand it ourselves. ""Luhan doens't need anymore encouragement' - this last sentence made me smile. The scene where they danced and waltz on the dance floor was written in such details and I was in contants awe. It's probably my fault to be listening to Secret's I'm in love and Kevin's cover of Lost stars because instead I visualize it to be really y and kind of upbeat instead. Still, I was able to visualize it oh so clearly and it's been a long time since I was able to do that while reading! Totally in love with yoru writing style <3

Yifan is unwilling—unable—to open his eyes, to move a single muscle. 

>This seriously /faints/ I didn't want the dance to end too. Like forever. Can you write a story of them dancing like for eternity? XD

Characterization: (26/30)

I thought that Kris and Yixing needed a bit more details about their character and characterization. I can visualize what type/kind of people they are from the way they react or talk but it'll be nice for readers to know it without guessing. As I mentioned about more details in the plot, the details can also be about describing both main characters. Luhan, on the other hand, was a lot more entertaining character. The addition of having Luhan as a chracter as he is probably did some saving on the characterization part because he made the story a lot more alive and interactive. All of the other supporting character in the story was explained well without confusion as well. Great job! 

Flow: (27/30)

The flow of the story was so well controlled that there was not one part I was confused but also because the event in the story almost happened all in one night so that wasn't a issue. However, the pace of the story at the beginning did feel too fast for me because I want to know what the main character feel or do on a daily basis before the night of the partying. It seems Kris was busy and stressing over his exams but I thought a slight (extrememly small) clue about him and Yixing would be nice. The trasnsition from one scene to another was also great and everything flows smoothly. 

Reader's Scope/ Overall Enjoyment (5/5)

I loved this one-shot! It's so memorable and romantic in non-cheesy way. I don't know if it's because it's fanxing or because of the writing style or both, it made the story non-cheesy and special. The idea of two person developing feelings for each other with a dance ony either happens in fairy tale or movies but it fels special in this particualr story. 

Bonus (+6)

How can I not give bonus points when I actually dreamed of the dance happening to my crush and I in my dreamland! That was really romantic! Also, bonus for Luhan because even though he's such a troublesome and unique character, he was the one who made Yixing and Kris happen. 

Final Score/ Total (181/200) = 90.5%

A/N:

I'm more baffled and suprised when you wrote in the addition comment that you're not a native english speaker but I find your language and writing style impeccable! You did a really great job in proofreading and betareading the story so keep up the good work! Also, the atmosphere of the story was set really well because I'm was so absorbed into the story that I can't stop letting it affect me in real life. That was one hell of a memorable dance. 

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