Review for fefedove // Reviewed by: loviet

Title and Story link:  

Footprints in the Snow (Ongoing, reviewed with 3 chapters)

Title: (15/20)

At first, I thought that the title was a bit cliché. There are a lot of fics with that title and there's nothing that really enticed me with it. There was nothing really intriguing and it just sounds like a typical romance story. But once I read the first three chapters, I have to admit, that I viewed the title differently. There was a very evident and clear connection to the plot because of Minseok's way of confessing and it is very significant since the story itself was taking place in the winter and snow. So I applaud that. It was relevant which was nice because it wasn't subtle, but it wasn't cheesy.

Overall Appearance: (2.5/5)

I'm kinda iffy about the poster. It doesn't really look nice and that's mainly because Luhan's picture is in really low quality but the background was really high quality so it doesn't really match. It looks kinda fake and tacky. I feel like you should've taken pictures from MoD or something that was at least HQ. If anything, maybe just take Luhan out all together because it just didn't match. If anything, so to a poster shop and request to get a nicer one done. I also suggest that you should use a background. You can put a nice snow or café background, which would really pull the story together.

Description and Foreword: (12/20)

Your Description and Foreword were really simple and didn't really talk a lot about your story. I don't mind the foreword that much because it seemed a little intriguing because my first thought was that it was a story about a break up…but I was so wrong. But I have to admit that it was empty to the point where it felt like I didn't really know what I was going into. Because we know how Luhan, Lay and Minseok look like, if you'd like, you can add little character bios. Now, these don't need to be detailed and explain everthing. They can just be a picture of the character, their name and their age (unless you want to add anything else.) I feel that by doing this, you can make up for empty space. I suggest you put a space between the "I miss him" line and the "What's his name," line. It is not formatted properly.

I feel like you should've written something else in the description. Or at least make it a little longer or even quote a song lyric or use a fact about snow/ snowflakes. It kinda feels lacking. I felt bland and it just needed something to push it over the edge.

Plot: (30/30)

Okay. So in my bio, I wrote that I don't do . When I was assigned this story, I was about to ask to get switched since I've never read a or Yuri fic before, but then I figured that since you only had three chapters up, I'd read through it and decide whether to be re-assigned or not.

Thank God I didn't.

I love your fic.

You completely surprised me with this fic and I absolutely fell in love with it. I know that the whole "reminiscing about a past lover/nostalgia" fic has been done before, but this one was so sweet and wonderfully written.

I really like the way you titled each chapter and how the past was literally a chapter about their past and the present, future etc, followed the same pattern.

I like that you have these little breaks in between the flashbacks that bring us back to reality.

I like that these breaks aren't long because it doesn't pull us away from the 'past', but at the same time, it lets us see how different the Luhan back then was compared to the Luhan now.

I just love the way you describe their relationship. It was beautiful that they were so imperfect in their own ways and their lives were amazing, but together they were so happy that nothing else mattered. (I love how crappy Minseok is at making hearts.) I adored how everything subtly led back to Christmas or the winter time (i.e the mistletoe, the confession etc) because it made his present day 'winter depression' so much more sadder.

It really broke my heart when Luhan described the way he had to go to Minseok's family to ask for money and it was so sad but so realistic. I don't what it is, but something about them being outcasted by their families, but still needed them in desperate times like this, really tore me up. Not to mention how their gifts to one another wasn't really expensive but on special holidays they would spend all their money on one another. Normally I'd just be like "be more fiscally responsible," but something about their love made it seem like everything else other than each other was materialistic. I really can't explain it but I loved it and this was only in the second chapter. "I stayed, Yixing! Why couldn't he stay too?" (Broke my heart.)

I like the other chapters aren't that long, but they're still effective. I have a rule of thumb that the first chapter of a fic shouldn't be too long which is why I liked your fic, it added the sense of angst right off the bat before delving deeper. However, I noticed that your second chapter was long and detailed but your other two were short so I think you should decide how long/short you want to make your chapters because consistency is important. Either stick to long chapters or all short chapter, but I understand if certain chapters need to be longer than the rest but this early on I don't know what your formatting is. An idea for the future is maybe making all the 'Past' chapters long and all the 'Present and Future' chapters short and if you decide to put Lay in a relationship with Luhan, you can slowly switch it over time. So the more important Lay becomes, the longer the future and present chapters will be. This could double as symbolism to how Minseok will have a smaller hold on Luhan's life, although he will still hold a part of his heart/ (If that makes any sense..."

Just the way that you didn't make it overly dramatic in the sense that suddenly him and Yixing are in love or getting butterflies was a smart move. The fact that he spilled out his darkest memories and just walked away like a stranger just left me wanting more. But, it was in a way that if you had slapped the 'Completed' sign on, I'd accept it too. Sometimes people walk in and out of your life in a blink of an eye but leave a huge impact and that's the end of that.

Seriously, you could easily just make this a 3-shot, but I'd love to see where you're going with this fic.

Originality: (17/20)

Technically, the lost lover, the cancer and the reminiscing aren't very original, however every fic is like that. What makes a good fic is taking a cliché idea and making it original. The little details you added about their relationship, about the family reactions about his interactions with Yixing, wrapped this story up in originality. I know this is weird, but the way you made Luhan speak about Minseok with so much love also seemed original to me. It felt like a breath of fresh air because when you write fics like this, normally you'd want to depict their relationship as the perfect, enviable one so that the loss seems greater, but the fact that you made them sort of 'disowned' from their family with very little money to have, yet they still seem enviable proved how strong their love is. And to me, that felt original.

I like the little cynical observations that Luhan made in the first chapter where he was just bitter and sad. I thought it was very well written and when I read the first mini paragraph, I swear to you, I was sold.

Language: (20/20)

Perfect.

I had no issues with your diction or grammar. If there were any typos, I must've clearly missed them because nothing stood out to and nothing broke the flow of your story. I literally have nothing to complain about. Good job!

The only thing is would suggest is that there are a few sentences that should've had an extra space between the lines.

(Original)

I sat there, frozen in that plastic chair, in the place he told me to stay in. And I did.
I stayed, Yixing! Why couldn't he stay too?

(Edited)

I sat there, frozen in that plastic chair, in the place he told me to stay in. And I did.

I stayed, Yixing! Why couldn't he stay too? 

(This is the spacing issue that I mentioned in your desicription and foreword section. Just hit the enter key.)

Writing Style: (20/20)

You have a wonderful writing style. Again, no complaints. I feel like you made a good choice to write in present tense it seemed to add more drama to the story. You write fluidly and in a way that makes reading just roll off your tongue. You made the writing informal and comfortable while maintaining a polished and mature voice and I appreciated it as a reader. I could laugh at Minseok saying "I'm Santa, riding you," but when you delved into his fluctuating weight, I was pulled into the tension and angst without feeling like it was an abrupt balance.

Characterization: (20/30)

You only have 3 chapters up, and I honestly am a little confused with the characterization. I feel like Luhan and Yixing don't yet have a lot of personality. I can write Luhan off because see glimpses of who is was through his flashbacks but Yixing is sort of an enigma to me. Is he normally cold? Indifferent? Caring? Awkward? I'm not really taking marks off though, because I feel that this is only because Yixing hasn't had many lines yet, so many after more dialogue on his part, we might get to know him more. Going back to Luhan, he's not a serious problem, because I assume he's supposed to be boring and almost dead in the eye because of his loss so I'd actually say good job with Luhan because you can see a vast difference in his past and present and how he's basically a zombie.

I don't want to go into Minseok, because I think there's something endearing of us readers seeing him through the eyes of someone who loved him deeply. Like you know how people say that you should fall in love with someone who thinks the sun shines out your ? It's heart warming to know nothing about Minseok other than what his lover thinks of him. Because it makes me think "It's terrible that Luhan lost a man like that."

Flow: (30/30)

Great flow. Everything moved perfectly into one 'tense' to the other. I really have nothing else to say. It made the reading very enjoyable and your flow didn't take me out of the story in the sense that it distracted from your writing. In the italicized flashbacks, it felt like Luhan was talking. I know that sounds weird because he was talking, but I appreciated that you made his 'voice' distinguishable compared to a neutral narrator.

Reader's Scope/ Overall Enjoyment (5/5)

Loved it. It's my first fic and I adored it. I was really taken by surprise. I honest to God, have no idea how you don't have more subscribers because you more than deserve it which is why I subbed and upvtoed on my personal account. I really hope more people read your work! Good luck!

Bonus (+2)

Final Score/ Total (173.5/200) = 87%

A/N:

I enjoyed your story so much, again, which is why I subbed and upvoted on my personal account and I believe this is my highest given grade so far! Congrats! If you have any questions feel free to message me on my personal account!

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