Review for gerigerie // Reviewed by: Anthealkl

Title and Story link:  

Maid in South Korea (Completed, reviewed with 12 chapters)

Title: (20/20)

Initially when I first got the story, I was like' WTF is the title referring to?'. But after reading the description, I got it; the title is very original and I like it. It's a very ingenious idea of you to put a pun on the word. You got me fooled for a moment there and the title is very creative so a thumbs up for you. You definitely deserve a full mark for the title.

Overall Appearance: (3.5/5)

I hesitated a little here. Firstly, let's talk about colours. Blue and red, one warm and one cold, a complete paradox from one another. When you put both together, you'll have a stark contrast. Let's put it this way, by colouring your foreword in such colours, you're definitely going to catch the reader's attention but at the same time, you are going to put them off as warm and cool colours produce a glaring effect ( I definitely got affected by that, since I'm reading this after finishing piles of essays and triggo equation and my eyes are very tired ). The background was rather okay- BAP's Matoki and your poster was fine- a picture of Zelo , your male lead , with the words ' Maid in South Korea' & ' Processing ' at the bottom with a bar code 

Description and Foreword: (15/20)

Hmm, kay, I would say the foreword is decent - it's basically a preamble and a hook but there are a couple of grammar and spelling errors here and there. Take this for example:

Original: 'Such convinence! Janet thought, clicking on the advertistment flashing above her google search for 'Live-in Maid'

Correction: " Such convenience!" Janet thought, clicking on the advertisement flashing above her Google search for ' Live-In Maid'.

>You mentioned that your grammar is weak,you can try running a check via micro-soft word or online grammar checks but for now, I'm going to correct this.

Original: Nobody wants to go home after a long day at work with nothing to look forward to, with household chores to do, with dishes & laundry to be done.

>This is a case of verbosity, you should make use of punctuation; don't lump the whole sentence together and, don't use abbreviations/ symbols in writing - it makes you seem lazy.

Correction: Nobody wants to go home, after a long day, at work with nothing to work forward to. With household chores, laundry and dishes to be done.

Use writing techniques to help you, like what I did, I removed 'to do' as it was repetitive and lumped the items together. I used rule of three to help combine everything; it makes your work seem neater and more pleasant. Here are a few links to give you a better idea of the different techniques used and their definition.

Narrative techniques in writing (educationalportal.com)

Literary Device: Definitions and examples (literarydevice.net)

Wikipedia: Writing techniques & literary devices 

Plot: (23/30)

To be very honest, sci-fi is one of the harder genres to write - even I,myself, don't feel confident writing that so a thumbs up for you in attempting this, you definitely deserve a score above 20 for this. The plot isn't that ubiquitous but it's predictable. By the fifth chapter, I could roughly gage where this was heading to and I got bored by the twelfth chapter ( But I still read to the twentieth chapter. It had the 'secret garden' feel to it and a tinge of our all-time classic favorite - R&J - Romeo & Juliet. Why R&J? Because the fundamental theme in R&J is the theme of forbidden love; Zelo & Janet, one robot, one human, they're not allowed to be together according to societal norms. 

It was nice reading about Janet coming to realisation about her feelings, it's like the innocence of a first love although it's not her first love - sung gyu was her boyfriend prior. Although the plot was relatively simple in a sense, the way Janet treated Zelo made up for it; their interactions were cute and it helped me picture her feelings - one I would describe as insidious. 

If you asked me, I wouldn't classify the story as angst because angst is defined as a transcendent emotion in that it combines the unbearable anguish of life with the hopes of overcoming this seemingly impossible situation. Without the important element of hope, then the emotion is anxiety, not angst. Angst denotes the constant struggle one has with the burdens of life that weighs on the dispossessed and not knowing when the salvation will appear according to Oxford Dictionary of English. It was more fluff and romance than angst; as this is tagged in a robot AU!, I think it's possible to label it as a slice of life and since it does describe Janet's life before and with Zelo, it can be classified as slice of life.

Originality: (15.5/20)

To be honest, I've read stories of similar storyline off this site and wattpad before. I debated with myself here. As mentioned prior, I didn't find your story very original but it's one of the storylines that people would not really take to write.

However, with the persuasive trend of fanfics coming on ( in which some doesn't even make the cut to be labeled as stories.), your storyline can be counted as originally cliche, yeah it's an irony I know, I just can't find a better phrase to describe it. Pull a few more plot twist here and there or add hyperbole to your writing, it would definitely improve it.

Language: (14/20)

Grammar, tense, sentence structure.

Although English isn't my mother tongue, although it's the language of administration in my country, I cannot count the number of times my teacher had stressed this during lessons: Stick to one tense and don't change it.

Throughout your story, you've been alternating between preset tense, past tense and present perfect tense. And, to be honest, it distracted me. Personally when I write fics, I write in past tense because it's a recount or because you are speaking about the story in third person view, the incident had already happened and you're merely describing it to your readers. Many writers which I follow on and off this site also write in past tense; example: toolongtoowrite, Anthony Horowitz and John Green. However, there are writers who write in present tense like Jodi Picoult. 

One major thing, don't I repeat, don't include korean words in your writing. Some people won't understand them and they'll be like WTH is he saying? It ruins the flow.

Due to time constrains that I have ( I'm supposed to be practicing for my audition now), I'll correct up till chapter 5 only. I'll be correcting all tense error to past tense and just the general errors - a multitude of everything.

Chpt 1:

Original:

“Hmmm, should I get a Female or Male Robot?” Janet mouse over the Product tab, tapping her forefinger lightly on her mouse. “Male Robots.” She hesitated for a while before clicking the ‘MALE’ bold in black.

Correction:

" Hmm, should I get a male or female robot?" Janet mouse over the product tab, tapping her forefinger lightly onto her mouse. " Male robots..." She hesitated for a moment before clicking onto the bolded words, in black, displaying the word; male. 

Original:

The page refreshes a Flash Player site where the Models display one by one (...)

Corrections:

The page refreshed to a flash player site where the models were displayed one by one (...)

Original: 

Waiting for her purchase to arrive.

Corrections:

Desperately waiting for her purchase to arrive.

[ Grave mistake. Never begin a sentence this way, it's not correct.]

Chpt 2 :

Original:

'Good morning Janet, your shipment has arrived today morning, what time would you be available to receive your shipment?'

Corrections:

" Good morning Janet, your shipment had arrived this morning, what time would you be available to receive it?"

Original:

A very good looking Asian Man handed her a receipt on a green colored clipboard (...)

Corrections:

A very good looking Asian man handed her a receipt on a green clipboard.

[ This is one of the biggest problem I have when reading and English in general, for the love of god, green is already a colour. There's no need to repeat.]

Chpt 3:

Original: 

Junhong’s eyes are bright in blue, he sits quietly and watching Janet does her thing.

Correction: Jun Hong's eyes were bright blue, he sat quietly and watched Janet do her thing.

Original:

Her tired eyes looked at Junhong, who looks as lively as ever even at such wee hours.

Corrections:

She looked at Jun Hong, who was a lively as ever despite the unchristened hours of the morning,  through her tired eyes.

[ Sentence structure, rephrase.]

Chpt 4:

Original:

Her lids were heavy; sleep was short, it felt like 5 minutes, but I was indeed 5 hours.

Corrections:

Her eyelids were heavy; sleep felt short to her enervated body, it felt like a mere five minutes to her when in retrospect five hours had passed.

[ Sentence structure.]

Original:

She quickly got dressed and headed out to get things done, no time to waste.

Corrections:

She quickly got dressed and headed out to finish the list of items on her 'to-do' list - there was no time to waste.

Chpt 5:

Original:

Every night, Junhong lies beside Janet, watching her sleep, robots do not rest, there isn’t a sleep mode, and they are always on standby for service. 

Correction:

Every night, Jun Hong laid beside Janet, watching her sleep.Robots do not rest, there isn't a sleep mode, they were always on standby, everr ready for service.

Original: 

Time flies with Junhong, happiness is always short lived, especially when your female organs decides to shed on your off day; a special day each week where Janet spend with Junhong, out having ice cream, watching movie, even going for a walk, a day where Junhong doesn’t have to do anything but accompany Janet to do whatever she feels like doing.

Corrections:

Time flied with the time spent with Jun Hong, however, happiness was always short lived.

[ I have absolutely no idea what you're trying to describe here, I only got it later when you described it as her time of the month, the phrasing is weird. I would phrase it this way. ]

Lady luck just had to shine on her on that particular day, when she spent precious time with Jun Hong.

[ Insert sarcasm as a comic relief. ]

Writing Style: (12/20)

This may seem harsh but I don't give honey words. 

Your writing style is plain. 

Writing is an art, a skill, an expression.

You can't learn how to write over night ( whichever idiot said you could improve overnight is lying to you); it took me a year to improve and get where I am now. Everything boils down to practice.

I mentioned previously that you should make use of writing technique to spice up your writing. Imagine writing as a salad, plain and simple, you need to add fruits, eggs, chicken strips and cheese to make the salad taste better and those ingredients are your writing techniques, onomatopoeia and vocabulary. Your chapters are too short too, each chapter should be about 2500 words to 3000 words minimally. You can lengthen them by including those writing methods I've mentioned and describe more.

Spice up your story by including more suspense as sci-fi and suspense are best partners. Here's an extract from my story, Clandestine: Imbroglio, on how you could create suspense.

“ Ah, Kyung Soo.” Jong In called out from his seat, a smile forming on the corners of his lips.

 

Kyung Soo nodded in acknowledgement and walked over to the latter, taking the seat opposite him. “ I believe," He said calmly, crossing his legs, his right over his left.  "You’ll be interested in these Jong In.” He dangled the envelope in his hand and swung it like a pendulum teasingly.

 

Jong In raised an eyebrow questioningly, pouring a glass of brandy for the older male. “ What’s that?” He asked curiously, receiving the brown envelope from Kyung Soo.

 

He tore open the envelope and poured its content onto the table. Se Hun watched Jong In carefully from the side of the room. A mixture of emotions, Se Hun couldn’t define, formed on Jong In’s face as he looked through the photographs displayed in front of him.

Just like how curiosity killed the cat, he walked closer for a glance. His eyes widen instantaneously as the images he saw registered themselves in his mind; Se Hun's knees buckled and he fell to the ground. " Oh my god..." He uttered, bringing his hand to his mouth in disbelief.  He felt the confinements of his chest caving in, squeezing the air out of him as he kept his eyes locked on the pictures spawned all over the table.

 

 

It was pictures of Hye Su and a couple of other men she had met on various occasions.

 

Him included.

 

Jong In too.

 

His eyes lingered on a particular photograph taken three months ago and bile rose up his throat. What the was Jong In doing?

Tension is build via a simple rule of writing: Show, don't tell.

Tease your readers, make their blood boil in anger and fiery. Make them all riled up in their seat and on the verge of strangling you through the computer screen. Personify tension, imagine it to be a temptress and let it tempt your readers. Use certain words to get your point across, can't find a word in your apt mind, search the dictionary.

Simple right?

Now, I'll teach you another thing. Anger, the simplest thing to write about right? Wrong. Anger isn't easy to write about, it's an emotion that everybody experience and there're a spectrum of what we feel when we're angry. However, the number one taboo to do when writing about anger is to use the word 'angry.' That's basically a fallacy. Anger always come with tension, here's an extract from my story My mother's love: Her secret on how a scene with both elements would come out to be.

" You ungrateful bastard!" A voice bellowed furiously from the Chairman's room of the office. " How dare you bite the hand that fed you! I should have never accepted you in the first place."

A muscle in Yi Fan's jaw worked furiously. " With all due respect, I am not marrying her Uncle." He seethed through gritted teeth.

" Shut up!" He shouted, throwing the wine glass in his hand against the wall irascibly. The wall splashed with a light brown colour as the glass shards scattered and landed all over the carpeted ground.  " You shut your mouth Wu Yi Fan. You're in no position to speak or make choices. You owe us, you owe me, you owe the Lu family for all you have today."

Yi Fan was strangling his rage with an effort; his fist trembled violently and his breathing had turned short and hitched. " For the last time uncle, I cannot marry someone whom I don't even know. Screw that! I can't spend the rest of my life with someone I don't love; it's not fair to her, neither is it fair to me!" His voice was a wail of anger.

" Love? Love?" Zhi's voice increased by an octave mockingly, he scoffed contemptuously before the sides of his lips contorted into an ugly sneer. " There's no such thing as love in this world. Love is for the weak, for people who are ing pathetic and I've raised you to withstand everything. To feel is a detriment, to control and withstand is power. Love is a flaw, a flaw that you shouldn't have!" He raised his hand and slapped him viciously, a strong back handed cuff across his mouth. 

Yi Fan stumbled to the side from the impact; his jaw felt numb but a hot ached ran across the corners of his lips to his cheekbone. He could taste blood in his mouth, at the area his teeth cut his cheek. He wiped the blood off the cut at his lips with his thumb and smirked. " Are you done?" He asked coolly. 

Zhi's face twisted with anger. " Bastard." He screamed, walking over to Yi Fan and grabbing him by his collar. " You seemed to have forgotten the rules of this game."

" How could I uncle?" He simpered. " I wouldn't dare."

" You're marrying the third daughter of the Yun family and that's final!" He growled balefully, tightening the grip on his collar, his eyes burning with fiery.

A guttural sneer emitted from Yi Fan. His eyes turned into slits as his voice turned dangerously low. " No." He said, holding back his anger. " You can't make me."

" Try me." Zhi warned. " I made you Yi Fan and I can also break you."

Tension filled the room as the duo stared at each other vindictively; not a single sound was made, only the mechanical ticking of the grandfather clock by the side of the room and the vigorous typing of the type-writers from the open office outside resonated throughout the deafening silence.

You see how my writing style changes with the genre I'm writing? The first was a modern day angst story the latter was a historical angst story; the words I used were different and my sentence structure changed alongside the theme of the story I was trying to portray. Personify fear, use metaphor and similes; make use of imagery and analogies. Keep your sentences short to convey tension and anger.

Finally, fear. Fear, is an interesting thing to write and it's my favorite too. There are so many things you can do with it. You can use irony, metaphors and even colours. Here's an example with my story on Wattpad.

" Irene's dead." He said calmly, his eyes speaking the truth.

What ? How? My thoughts were cut off as my eyes landed on the silhouette lying on the Victorian styled sofa elegantly, like a piece of art hanging in the museums in Paris; her dress was spread out neatly, like folded origami, her pale lips were slightly parted and her eyes were shut. Lying prominently on the left side of her chest, was a diamond encrusted dagger plunged deeply into her heart. 

I shut my eyes tight, not wanting to witness the scene in front of me any longer but the image I had just witness was one that could not be washed out of my heavy head easily, it was imprinted deeply in my mind like a tattoo.

 

The first was the beauty lying in the piece of art - Irene Bae Joo Hyun.

The second, was the horrendous colour of red, complementing Irene's black gown.

Red on the marble flooring , red on Irene's milky skin , red on the sofa.

 

Not any other colour , only red. 

The sickening colour that had tainted everything and anything in its sight.

Red.

 

My heart was beating fast- I was afraid. What exactly was going on? Sung Yeol was murdered. Irene too. Who exactly was next? I opened my eyes, taking a step closer and then more, Woo Hyun following behind me. 

No words could escape my throat as my voice was extinguished like a candle in the wind. Lying next to Irene, on the blue velvet cushion, was the exact same card that laid beside Sung Yeol - the card with the exact same rarified silver designs - the very same card I chose . A sharp gasp escaped my lips as I noticed the object in Irene's clenched hand; lying in her hand was the familiar plain white mask of the mysterious stranger - Myung Soo.

Myung Soo's enigma, the cards, the deaths and Woo Hyun's words; were all pieces to the puzzle. Things slowly started to fall in place and finally when reality dawned on me; my legs gave away as I sank to the ground, my lips agape, eyes wide in realization.

Oh my god...

Myung Soo. 

Myung Soo...was the murder...

Terror filled my eyes as I scanned around the room for him; my eyes widen as they landed on Myung Soo who was leaning insouciantly on the pillar with a cocky simper on his face. He smiled - evilly , winking at me flirtatiously before blowing a kiss and disappearing into a whisk of black smoke.

What on earth happened? How...how did he disappear into thin air?

" What's wrong Su Im ? Why do you look as if you've seen the devil ? "

I turned around expecting the assuring embrace of Woo Hyun but what greeted me wasn't my brother, instead it was Myung Soo. With a snap of his slender fingers, we weren't in the ballroom any longer; we were, now, in a dimly lit room, filled with mystical crystal balls, rag voodoo dolls pierced with countless of pins lining the walls and scrolls of thousand-year-old curses lining the shelve  - We were in the place I recognized as the devil's den.

" What's wrong princess? " He mocked, brushing a lock behind my ear. I shuddered at his touch, the contradiction in his action bewildered me. How could a creature capable of doing such horrendous deeds perform an action so tender, so loving and so...gentle on me?

" Who are you?" I asked softly. " What exactly are you." My mouth suddenly turning dry.

" I'm your prince charming Princess. I won't hurt you." He assured me. " People who've hurt you would pay. I'll protect you and grant your wishes."

My fist clenched as I asked or more likely stated, " Y-You killed Sung Yeol...and...Irene...Why? "

Myung Soo smiled and started circling me like a vulture. " Well they hurt you princess."

" But that doesn't give you a reason to kill them you beast! " I screamed, unable to contain my rage.

Myung Soo's eyes darkened for a moment before chuckling fondly. " My. My. " He shook his head amusedly. " Why, who knew that my little princess was so feisty." He cleared his throat before staring into my eyes. " I'm more than entitled princess." He paused meaningfully and leaned in. " I'm the one who reaps the poor miserable souls on earth. Guess who I am?" He smiled sinisterly.  "I'm the devil my dear Su Im."

 Fear gripped me.

The devil.

Myung Soo was the devil.

Myung Soo was the living epitome of death.

I let out a sharp scream, a sea of darkness engulfing me as I lost conscious and collapsed to the ground like a broken marionette.

 

I've hoped you've learnt something with the methods I've taught you. You've potential, just keep writing and you'll improve over time.

Characterization: (19/30)

I couldn't really analyze Janet and Zelo, yes I could see that Janet was a girl struggling with life - bills, periods and romance. But Zelo, besides him being a sweetheart, I can't really infer much. Maybe it's because Zelo is a robot, he doesn't feel hence you didn't really elaborate his thoughts and feelings but later I realise that he actually has emotions - he tells Janet not to cry and he can feel pain, happy and sadness. Janet is human so insert more emotions for her, make her feel betrayed, lost, confused - okay emphasis more on that. 

One more thing, there isn't enough emphasis on what Janet really liked Zelo for. Was it his good looks? His kind actions? His innocence? Or the money she paid for him? I felt that you could include more scenes to describe how Janet really feels about him and vice versa. I was initially confused whether Zelo liked Janet because she was his master or was it because he'd fallen for her through time.

Flow: (20/30)

A little too slow for my liking but it seems fine overall. You didn't leave any threads dangling so that's good. However I would have preferred if you wrote more about Zelo' interaction with BAP.

Reader's Scope/ Overall Enjoyment (3/5)

It was nice reading a BAP fic amidst all those EXO fics. It was like a breath of fresh air. Kepp writing BAP fics, we need more of them.

Bonus (+3)

Final Score/ Total (148/200) = 74%

A/N:

I'm terribly sorry that I took so long. I was so busy for the whole year, thank you for waiting. I gave you a bigger bonus as I felt bad. This would be my last review for now as I'm taking a hiatus off AFF next year to focus on getting into the psychology course I want to enter. Thank you for giving me this chance to review your story. I do hope I wasn't to harsh... message me if you'd any questions or issues :)

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