Review for general // Reviewed by: pilsuk123

Title and Story link:  

kiss me, kill me (one last time) (Completed one-shot)

Title: (13/20)

When I first read the title before the story, I was actually prepared to give you a much higher score for the title because it's definitely my type of title. Although long titles aren't usually something I'm supportive of, if it makes sense, have its vibe and connects with the story well, I'm all for long titles just like this one. However, I JUST can't seem to understand the meaning of the title with the story plot, it doesn't feel quite related. In the extreme sense, yes, Kris is leaving Luhan and it kills him but there isn't much of a explanation even in the story. The two things I approve of the title is 'Kiss me' and 'One last time' because both was quiet the plot's highlight but the title definitely needs more edit and brainstorming or at least subtle explanations throughout the story.

Overall Appearance: (5/5)

I loved the overall appearance of the story, especially the d/f page, it looks classy and chic. You're good with overall apperance and you and I both know so hehe. Even the poster is superb.

Description and Foreword: (13/20)

Again, at first I thought, "damn the description of the story sounds interesting and intense and good'' but somehow just like the title, I don't find it suitable with the story plot. It feels as though the story's description and the plot itself is two seperate thing. Still, I think the description does it's job well of attracting attention and making it sounds so artistic, angsty and interesting. I liked how the words flowed but I just can't say that it's the most suiting description for the story because instead it should be kind of a sneak peak into the story but it's isn't really related. I understand the bitter ending part but lies and sweet words just doesn't speak for the story. 

Plot: (18/30)

The storyline is kind of simple and flat because it's quite a short one-shot actually. At first, I was kind of confuse at the timing of the story, it feels like I'm jumped from the past to present so quickly that it confuses me (more details in flow). The main part that I catched from the story main plot is about Luhan and Kris being together and kissing and somehow when Kris needs to leave, he doesn't give a chance to have Luhan make him stay? I'm not so sure but some of the beautiful parts I caught in the story was when you describe about their feelings and the things that they're doing (kissing, ciagarette etc) but all of it are done perfectly because of your writing style. The story plot needs a better or at least a clear and strong conflict and it has to be progressively. Throughout, it doesn't feel as though it's progressing until the last sentence of the ending hits me hard. 

Talking about the ending, it's actually the best part of all - bitter and unconclusive ending. It feels bitter to know that the ending isn't a happy one but I like how it's kind of unconclusive and it makes readers wonder.

Overall, the plot was kind of messy but if you were to take every individual part/paragraph of the story and write in detail and build the plot into a huge and connective storyline, it would've been a lot better.

Originality: (15/20)

The storyline is kind of overused and common but I liked how you wrote the story. It has your own twist on it and it feels original despite everything and your writing style made the story original. The best part was the last few part where Kris is struggling and fighting with himself and dreaming about how he'll u-turn back and stay for Luhan but it was all just daydreaming and it all ends with a bitter and vague ending. 

Language: (15/20)

The basic is there but your sentences can get really long and choppy so just take note. Some sentences have too many things in it that it confuses me as well.

eg:

-However, there was something else that was keeping him away from the streets; something was eating him inside, slowly, but it made hole bigger and bigger with every new thought about Yifan.

Writing Style: (18/20)

Language wise, the choppy sentences can be quite a bit of problem if it gets confusing but otherwise I think that some of the choppy and rather broken sentences are quite artistic and it has it's own kind of style and twist. You have some really moving and great sentences that forced me to re-read them couple of times before moving on because they sound so beautiful. I mean just this sentence is perfection and moving  -

However, Luhan forgot that Yifan was like the finest sand - just when you think you caught it, you would realize it already slipped through your fingers.

Characterization: (18/30)

Whenever a story is really short, the characterization doesn't do really well because enough characterization would need more description of its main characters and it wouldn't be short. I get a little bit of understand of both main character's here with the way they decide to keep their feelings and pride but it isn't quite enough. It will be nice to read a more in-depth characterization of both of them. Their background, their usual hang out time, conversations, who is more prideful etc. 

Flow: (25/30)

The flow isn't really done well because as mentioned there was parts I will really get confused because the change between present, past or just an imagination was a real thin line and it crosses often so it gets confusing for me. The present is Kris in a cab? And the imagination was Luhan/Kris thought they met up? And the past was their love and kisses? I'm quite confuse with the flow and it would have been clearer if there's a note to warn readers before changing for eg. Past, present etc. However, it didn't give me a huge problem because at the last part of the story, I was still managed to caught up but it's best to have clearer time frame. The speed and pace of the story was also on the fast one and I felt it was rushing throughout because the one-shot is really spaced out and short. 

Reader's Scope/ Overall Enjoyment (3/5)

Overall, I still enjoyed the story because of your writing style and how you describe certain aspect in the story like comparing Kris with sand. (That sentence will be stuck with me forever and I though it was a much better concept than the title) It's enjoyable for everyone who wants to get lost in a story for a while and for people who can appreciate bitter endings (like me) so still loved it! With improvements done, it could be a lot more enjoyable for readers :)

Bonus (+4)

Final Score/ Total (148/200) = 73.5%

A/N:

**