Review for commonless // Reviewed by: loviet

Title and Story link:  

Dear Future Girlfriend (Ongoing, reviewed with 7 chapters)

Title: (17/20)

Dear Future Girlfriend

It's a cute title, I have to admit. There aren't that many stories, if any at all, on AFF with that title and that's a pretty amazing feat. It's attention grabbing which is nice. Your grammar and capitalization is perfect and there's nothing wrong with that.

Given that there are only 7 chapters up, I can't really say much, but as of Chapter 7, I don't really see the connection to the story. I understand that it's future girlfriend because he's trying to win the bet by getting her to be his girlfriend, but the dear part has no relation. It's not like he's writing her letters or calling her "my dear future girlfriend," and it's not like BTS was like "commence operation 'Dear future girlfriend.'" So it seems kinda confusing in that aspect.

Again, maybe it will become more clear in the future chapters, but as of now, I don't see a strong enough relevance.

Overall Appearance: (4/5)

I love the poster.

I think it's very cute and give off the right vibes that your story is giving out. It's colourful and cheerful around V and Jungkook but darker and gloomier around Jae. I really do love it. It's very cute. I read your story before I inspected your poster and the girl you chose to represent Jae was how I'd imagine her in my head. Normally that's not a hard thing to do, but because Jae has such a distinct personality, I like that, that's evident in the picture.

(Maybe I should request a poster from you some day :P )

I like your background too. It's simple, but I'm okay with that. It matches the pastel, bright colours in your poster without you actually copying the design. The thing I love the most is that it's easy on the eyes. It's not too bright and nothing is moving or flashing which makes reading the story much more enjoyable and comfortable.

Good job.

The layout is fine, but I feel like it's too empty. It's simplistic, but almost to the point where it looks like you weren't really trying. I know that sounds harsh, but you're clearly great at graphics, so maybe you could get creative, especially with the pictures.

It's a bet right? Maybe you should try to use titles like "The Target: Lee Jae" etc.

Your spacing is fine but I don't think you should use a center alignment on your description. The middle two sentences are too long and it looks a bit cluttered that way.

If you want to keep using center alignment, then I suggest you split up your sentences.

Use the enter key, girl!

Break it up so that each line isn't as long.

(Like this)

Description and Foreword: (16/20)

Your description is fine. You're not giving out too much information but you're not giving out too little either. I have to say that it's a bit cliché sounding, it would really put your description over the top if you added another component to it. (i.e. little did they know, Jae had a bet of her own.)

Now I know that my example is in no way related to your plot, but it's just an example of something that would make potential readers go, "Oh?! I wonder what that's about? What could she possibly bet on?" Since you only have a few chapters up, you can still add some sort of extra element.

So because of this, I'm taking off points because the descriptions didn't really grab my attention as well as the title did and didn't really sound original with the whole betting on a girl's heart concept. It's good but it isn't really interesting or makes me want to read the story nor is it original.

Plot: (20/30)

I can't really judge since there are only a few chapters up, but it seems like you have some strong key aspects in your story which is good, because it will build a richer story, but as of now, the plot doesn't stand out compared to other stories with similar plots, so maybe try finding a way to work in something that would make your story unique. There isn't any elements of the story that makes it different from other stories, so for that I'm taking off points.

Originality: (13/20)

Of the seven chapters that are up, you have a few good avenues brewing. By avenues, I mean that you have a lot of paths that you can take your story. Both of their flawed family lives/ Moon/V's revenge+inevitable interest/the bullying/this heart pendant, these are all interesting things that you can emphasize in your story, giving it more layers.

Your plot thus far, sounds a bit cliché, and I'd love it if you had a bit of mystery in the sense of the readers not knowing a secret or some sort of suspense. The idea of betting on a girl's heart has been done before, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't use that plot (hell, a lot of my stories are cliché plots), but what will make your story better is taking a cliché plot and adding something different to it. Add something to raise the stakes or tension. You're at the starting point of your story so try to plan ahead and think of something that will flip everything on its head and then leave subtle hints of something 'bigger brewing'.

Language: (18/20)

You're writing and diction is fine. Nothing too problematic or distracting which is a good start. You had some really good passages in your story, for example, when you wrote how much Jungkook found the compliments he got as fake and empty was very well put and gave me a moment of "I totally feel you."

No major typos or spelling errors which is good. The dialogue you use sometimes sounds a bit awkward but it isn't a common occurrence. Keep in mind that you're writing for students in highschool, so they're allowed to use slang or use more unrefined language.

My one issue is that I felt like there was an over excessive amount of exclamation marks. (i.e. "We need someone hard!" Namjoon suggested and they all nodded.") Why use an exclamation mark when he was just making a suggestion? It's unneeded. A simple period is fine, it's not like he shouted or exclaimed.

ALSO: You used the sentence, "Jimin's chinky smile." I don't know if you know this, but chinky is actually a degrogatory term that is used to make fun of people with small eyes. It's very offensive and racist. I don't know if that was your intention but when I read that, it made me uncomfortable and I suddenly didn't want to read anymore. I suggest you switch it up and use "cheeky" or "eye smile."

Writing Style: (18/20)

Your writing style is good and it matches a story like this perfectly. It's fun and light and even in spite of the more serious moments, you still captured the right mood without ruining the tension. I'd love to see more description about a character's emotion while they're having a conversation. You're really good at describing emotion and it would really benefit your story if you did it between dialouge as well and not just when the Jae or Jungkook went home and was more or less alone. You started to do it when Jae broke down in front of Jungkook which was nice to see so hopefully you'll keep doing that!

Characterization: (24/30)

You have some solid characters with stable personalities, but sometimes they were conflicting.

I was kinda confused by her lashing out at V right off the bat. she seemed more of the quiet type and based on her reaction to the girls who left threatening notes in her locker, she is the type to confront people quietly and not freak out. Maybe V's remark hit a chord with her, but it would've been helpful if you said that. You literally could've said:

That hit a chord with Jae.

And then you could've let her yell at V because that would make her reaction more understandable.

On a similar note, I was surprised that Jae's, "heart warmed up from those words," when Jungkook said he would disprove the eye-curse. It was a pretty huge jump for a cold hearted girl to suddenly warm up to, who essentially is, a stranger without being suspicious. It seems more true to her character to assume that Jungkook is trying to prank her or want something from her.

Also, Jungkook seems like a good guy. He's the guy next door, the type of guy you want your father to meet and he knows that and he likes the fact that he's a nice person. So why is he so quick to agree to the bet? I think it would make the scene stronger if you added a bit more to sweeten the deal. Something to really make him agree to break some girl's heart. But I like how you stayed true to his character in the sense that right after he learned that the target was Jae, he felt guilty and regretted the bet.

V's role in the whole thing is pretty good. He's added into the plot cohesively. He wants to get revenge so instead of being the one to break her heart (which is what most authors would do), he's basically using Jungkook to get revenge for him. And who knows what kind of trouble that's going to get V in.

I fear that you're rushing the interactions and feelings between her and Jungkook. I understand that you'd want Jae to be the one to fall for him first, (so then the heartbreak would be REALLY cruel), but this is a girl who has wall higher than the Berlin Wall, up around her, so why is she softening up so quickly? Jungkook said one nice thing to her and she's already feeling her heart warm up? That doesn't seem like Jae. You can easily make Jae resist Jungkook's friendship and acts of kindness at first, because this will allow you to write more content of Jungkook doing elaborate events or scheming masterminded plans to get her to fall for him, (which means opportunities to write fluff/comedy). You can write scenes of him being cheesy and failing and of him doing something nice without him realizing it and have her feel touched. So a word to the wise, don't rush Jae because you'll be losing so much possible content. I've done it before and I ended up giving up on the story and handing it to someone else. Let her be skeptical of him first before she starts getting butterflies in her stomach and let V hate her/be rude to her before he starts getting soft.

It's more fun and realistic that way.

I really liked the scene with Moon and Jae in Chapter 7, it was touching and sweet. Giving you points for that.

She looked into their eyes and counted, "1, 2, 3, 4 . . . 5 . . . 6." They knew the rumor of when you look into Jae's eyes for 6 seconds, something bad will happen to you. They ran out of the bathroom with a few screams.

This made me laugh for some reason. It was overdramatic and silly but not in a bad way. It showed how dumb the students were to believe that something like that would be true.

The parents were a bit strange. His dad cheating on his mom sort of came out of left field. Maybe I missed it, but I don’t think he ever mentioned that before which was weird since you wrote a scene with him calling for a mom when he got home from school. That would've been a perfect time to introduce the fact that his dad cheats. Jungkook mentioned it so quickly and in passing that I had to go back and make sure I didn't miss him mentioning it before. With Jae, you hinted when we first met her dad, that he had an anger and was abusive, so when he was drunk and lashed out, it was understandable. You should try to do that with V. Before we read that his dad is a cheater, maybe you should throw in a scene of him finding his dad with another woman.

I feel like there's something missing behind the emotions of the characters. They don't seem 3-dimensional. You have very strong characteristics for each of them, but it would be better if you added more movement.

(i.e. instead of writing, Jungkook said sweetly. Try something like, Jungkook said while pacing around. or Jungkook said gently while taking a seat next to her.)

Adding these small gestures make the story seem a little bit more realistic, like you're watching a movie in your head.

It would also help if we got to hear a little from the characters when something huge happened. I mentioned this earlier with V and Jae. If Jae was offended by something he said, then explain it to the readers so that we know how she's feeling deep inside and why she reacted the way she did.

It doesn't have to be a huge monologue, just something simple to show the readers Jae's real personalities and insecurities instead of the mask she puts on for her peers.

I'm giving you points for switching it up and making Jungkook seems like the weaker, softer one and Jae seem like the scary one. I like that there was some consistency in her behaviour of being scary and I really like the way she acted at the beginning, but later on, I felt like her personality changed too quickly around Jungkook.

I really like her character. it's interesting that she isn't just a 'badass' but she's kinda creepy, in a good way. she doesn't intimidate ppl, she terrifies ppl which is pretty funny. instead of being the tattoo-ed tought girl, she's like the quiet girl that ppl probably think is some witch who practices black magic.

Still, you did well!

Flow: (25/30)

The story flowed well, you shifted between scenes nicely and the plot doesn't seem forced or awkward. Your sentences worked well with each other, but I did feel like sometimes you jumped from one topic to the next a little abruptly, but it wasn't too bad nor did it take away from the story too much.

It was a little rushed, but I'm not taking off points because it is only the first 7 chapters and as the story progresses, it might balance out better. I strongly suggest that you let there be a bit more push-n-pull between the two before either one of them starts to give in and feel giddy around the other.

Reader's Scope/ Overall Enjoyment (4/5)

It's a fun, light read. It's cute and it'll be interesting to see what you have planned for the two of them. You built a very strong OC, which is refreshing to see, especially in contrast to Jungkook's nature. It's a fun, light read. It's cute and it'll be interesting to see what you have planned for the two of them. You built a very strong OC, which is refreshing to see, especially in contrast to Jungkook's nature.

Bonus (+2)

Final Score/ Total (161/200) = 81%

A/N:

Sorry for the long review! Your story is on the right track and I hope my advice makes sense and helps you. Good luck and keep writing!

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