Review for hunhan5 // Reviewed by: pilsuk123

Title and Story link:  

A Mouthful Of Forever's (Completed one-shot)

Title: (15/20)

There's angst feeling from the title which I thought the feelings and themes of the story suited it well because it's about angst and death but I was quite disappointed that the 'mouthful of forever' was emphasis enough in the story. I do understand why you choose to go with the title because there's connection with the story during the ending where their forever wasn't fulfilled so Luhan was so depressed about it that he decided to kill himself as well. I really liked the reference there but I was hoping to have more emphasis on 'forever' since it's supposed to be mouthful. Still, I find the title really suitable and it gives off the correct feeling, just hoped that it was deeply explained more throughout the story to bring out the significance of the title with the plot.

Overall Appearance: (5/5)

I really liked the overall appearance of the story! The poster looked really pretty, the background picture was perfect and beautiful to looked at and I also liked how you chose to arrange the d/f page and the chapter page!

Description and Foreword: (18/20)

When I read the d/f and I was so focus on wanting to know more that I had to read it almost immediately and subscribing to it because it's so captivating and it attracted my attention. I loved the counting description - one two three one two three. It has a rhyme to it that I really enjoyed reading the description over and over again. The last line in the description was really powerful to me, I liked how the description intensity progressed from hearing whisperings to wanting it to stop and it needs to stop. However because the one-shot was really short in here, I felt that you bring out too much information in the description. I could already guessed that either Sehun or Luhan had a mental problem of hearing voices and later killing himself because he's tired of hearing it over and over again. Maybe you could shortened it so later in the story it'll be more of a plot twist instead of giving it away in the description.

Plot: (16/30)

The plot was a little too simple for me because there's not much conflict in the story and thus making it feel rather flat. It's a simple story of an oc who had problem because he kept hearing voices and killed himself and another oc killing himself shortly after because it's too painful to live without the other. It would've been better if you could add in your twists in the story to make it stand out more and more special. When I first start reading the story, I thought this was happening in the future kind of a sci-fi story because of the way you described the city - that would've added that special touch to the story. 

Also, you mentioned a lot of the voices speaking and talking to Sehun and I was thinking that it would give the readers more insight if you would to write out the whispering too so we can understand Sehun more and why is it that unbearable. 

There are many parts I liked about the story, more specifically the ending. At first, it felt rather unacceptable to let Luhan kill himself just because he lost Sehun and also they met not long ago, his dependence on Sehun shouldn't be that much but somehow I felt and understand Luhan a little for his decision at the end. I especially loved how blood reminded Luhan of Sehun at the end, I thought that was really beautiful and it signify their affection for each other. Overall, I just felt that the writing style and the way you have small ideas in the story was amazing, you just need to deepen and explore more parts of the story to create more memories and conflicts of the characters together.

Originality: (12/20)

I feel that the overall story plot wasn't really original, there's plenty of stories with similar storyline but I feel that there's originality in your story because of the way you wrote the story. As mentioned, I'm really obsessed with reading the one two three that's really repetitive throughout the story, it's catchy somehow and also how it's the amount of cuts that Sehun did to kill himself. I like such hidden meaning in the story. 

Language: (16/20)

The main thing that I can pick out was that some sentences was really really short that they sounded incomplete and the flow of the sentences. Your language base is there but I just find that there are a few parts that could be better rephrased to sound smoother so I will recommend you to read out loud the sentences and edit as you proofread. Here are a few that I picked out as example:

It happened unexpected. 

(Our meeting happened unexpectedly that day/ It happened unexpectedly.)

Clouds gray on the sky above and the streets almost completely abandoned. There were some people on the streets though.

(Gray clouds covered the sky above and the streets was deserted and empty due to the rain.)

>This is the part I thought that time frame reminded me of sci-fi or future because of abandoned and empty streets.

Colorful umbrellas paining the gray of the ground as they walked through no matter the bad weather, their footsteps quick and silent as they hurried to wherever they were going.

(Colorful umbrellas painted the dull ground as they walked through the street busily, quickly and quietly. It feels as though they're rushing everywhere they go.)

His clothes sticking to him as he didn’t have an umbrella.

(His drenched clothes sticking to his skin as a result of no umbrella but it was his initial intention at the first place.)

>Complete sentences make more sense and the flow feels better when being read.

He wasn’t paying attention to where he was going. He barely even looked up off the ground beneath him.

(He wasn’t paying attention to where he was going and he wasn't even looking up from the ground.)

Too many things on his mind.

(Too many things was going on his mind as the car speeding towards him.)

 He almost smiled as he watched the car hurry forwards. Right towards him. 

( He almost smiled as he watched the car approaching him right towards him - his sufferings will all end. )

The car was almost there and he closed his eyes only to have his breath knocked out of him as he was suddenly pulled back by the back of his jacket, falling onto the wet ground and watching as the car that was about to hit him buzzed past him.

(The car was just inches away from him when he was suddenly pulled back by the back of his jacket, falling onto the wet ground and watching as the car speeding away.)

He told him about the whispered late at night.

(He told him about all the hateful and painful whisperings that night. )

They were laughing in glee as he cut them.

(They were laughing in glee in his head as he cut himself. 'Yes, yes, you don't deserve to live. Cut deeper oh sehun.')

>Example of how you can write out the voices in his head so the readers can follow what he's hearing.

Whispering an I love you over and over again as he passed the tips of his fingers lightly over the name engraved on it.

(Whispering 'I love you' over and over again as he caressed the name that was engraved.)

You could see the pain he felt through just one glance at him.

(You can almost see the pain he felt just by glancing at him. His tired and lifeless eyes, his pained expression and tears streaming down his cheeks.)

>You can expand by explaining and describing why you think people can see the pain in him by seeing Luhan. 

The spark once in his eyes was now long gone.

(The sparks that was once in his eyes was now long gone.)

Writing Style: (16/20)

I like how detailed you are in your writings, one thing that stood out the most was how you always explain and describe things with colours - black and red for 'Mouthful Of Forever'. There's a lot of depressing scene in the story but two scenes really stood out to me and affected me because of your writing style was when you wrote about how Luhan found Sehun dead and also the ending. Those two scenes was written up beautiful tearjerker parts.

Characterization: (20/30)

I felt that due to the length of the story which was too short, the characterization part isn't as detailed as I thought it would be. I didn't quite feel the connection between Sehun and Luhan because their time together felt so short and breif. It would have been more convincing and mroe visualizing if you could have a few scenes of them together and describing how much they adored each other and so on and so forth. There was barely any personal scenes of them together and it felt that their love wasn't deep you see. The background characterization wasn't detailed or clear as well because I know that Sehun felt unloved and when Luhan came into his life, it changed everything but what does it mean to feel unloved all those years... What happened to him? His parents? Family? House? There wasn't enough details for both main characters in the story and there wasn't also a lot of questions about their person life, their feelings, their thoughts, what attracted them to each other etc.

Flow: (22/30)

The flow of the story was great, there wasn't any confusing scene of anything major but I felt that the potential of the story was greatly affected at the pace of the story which was going too fast. Everything felt rushed and unprepared and the length of the story was also too short for me. There's so much more I wanted to see Sehun and Luhan together, how their relationship progressed and how depended are they for each other and much more. The pace was too fast to be immersed in the story but fortunately you have a great flow in the story which made it up.

Reader's Scope/ Overall Enjoyment (3/5)

I think for a short story, I actually enjoyed reading it because you managed to have character death, angst, and I felt the pain in a few of those great scenes that you wrote. I foresee myself enjoying this story a lot more if it was longer and more detailed and deeper! 

Bonus (+2)

Final Score/ Total (145/200) = 72.5%

A/N:

Hope the review is okay for you because I really liked how you wrote the story but it was a bit too short for me to fully enjoyed it. Still, it's a lovely story to read over the weekends because it's straight-forward and short :)

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