After I closed the door, I felt my face flushing with anger.

The nerve of that man, showing up here after asking to leave -

I clenched my fists. What was he playing at?

He'd waited until I'd completely opened up to him, until I was totally vulnerable, until he had all of my trust and faith.

It was like he was treating me like a toy, something to be manipulated, something to be played with then thrown away...

He'd already thrown me away, and he was back again? Wasn't the first time enough?

I was still seething as the door opened again. It was really Hankyung this time. He stepped inside the living room with a paper bag in his arm, but in his hand was also the package from Seunghwan hyung that I'd thrown out the door.

"Hey," he said. I forced a smile and nodded. I didn't want to ruin Hankyung's Christmas. "I think saw Seunghwan hyung - out of the building just as I came back," he said in his broken Korean.

I sighed. "Yeah. He was here. Did you talk to him?" I asked.

Hankyung shook his head. "I didn't know - he was - Seunghwan hyung," he said. "And this was just outside, I don't know what it is."

I shrugged. "I don't care. You can have it," I said.

Hankyung frowned, set the wine down on the floor, and sat down on the couch with the package in his hand. He tore the packaging open and took out the box. He then looked startled.

"It's a laptop," said Hankyung, shifting his weight. I looked at the laptop. There was a crack through the middle of it, but I didn't feel any regret whatsoever. "It's broken, though." He then looked at me. I stared back, but soon, an expression of understanding formed on Hankyung's face. "Seunghwan hyung tried to give you this, didn't he?"

I sighed. "I have a laptop, and he knows I have one," I said. "I've had it for months."

"It looks like that new gaming laptop that just came out," said Hankyung.

I snorted. "Why waste so much money?" I muttered.

I shook my head and went into the kitchen again. I sat down on the table that I'd set, expecting Hankyung to follow, but he stayed in the living room. I got up and walked back into the living room.

"Hyung, are we going to open the wine?"

Hankyung sighed. "Cho Kyuhyun, because of you, we can't enjoy it," he said with a frown.

I felt guilty. This wasn't just my Christmas Eve, but Hankyung's as well, and I smiled a little. "Technically, I'm not legal yet, but in less than a week, I'll finally be legal to drink. Maybe I should hold off on the alcohol until New Year's Day. That way, I won't feel guilty about - "

"What are you talking about?" rebuked Hankyung. "You drink regardless of your age, you don't care - "

"I know. I really like wine. But I'm sure I'll enjoy it more on New Year's Day. For a lot of reasons." I eyed Hankyung's expression to see that it still hadn't softened. "Hyung, I'm really sorry," I said apologetically.

Hankyung sighed. "It's okay. I think I'll go to bed," he said. He got up from the couch, but before he could move, I held onto his arm.

"Hyung, teach me Chinese," I said.

Hankyung frowned. "No, I'm tired," he said.

"Please, please? We're going to that concert in China in two weeks, and I'd like to say something to impress the fans, hyung."

I saw his eyes waver; I knew he enjoyed teaching me Chinese, and that this would be the only hope of us making anything out of this night.

"Please," I pleaded.

Hankyung sighed, and nodded. "Okay," he said, then he sat back down on the couch as I stood up instead to retrieve my backpack from my room.

We studied Chinese side-by-side on the couch and a few minutes later, we were both having fun again. We exchanged a few laughs and jokes, and about an hour later, we'd opened the wine bottle and were studying, each of us with makeshift wine glasses - really just cups. We didn't have wine glasses around the dorm, but that was okay. And fortunately, I was also finally getting the hang of the language.

"Okay, so that means 'you are my' - "

Hankyung nodded, and I smiled.

"I think I finally get this. So if I say, 'ni shi wo de' - " I searched for something to describe Hankyung with, but lacking the vocabulary, I decided on - "'Han Geng ma', that means 'are you my Hankyung?', right?"

"What?" said Hankyung, then he burst out laughing. "No," he said.

"I'm wrong?" I asked, perplexed.

"No, you're right. I'm just not your Hankyung," he said.

I laughed.

"Why not?" I asked, feigning hurt. "But - 'wo shi ni de Gui Xian', right? I'm your Kyuhyun?"

Hankyung laughed. "If you want to be," he said.

I laughed and leaned into him while Hankyung ruffled my hair.

And I felt warmth that melted away all the rest of the anger that I'd had in me.

Maybe that's why Seunghwan hyung tried to get us close to the rest of the team. Everyone else on the team was irreplaceable, and we knew we would be together until the end. I knew I could rely on any one of them until the end without anything like what happened with Seunghwan hyung happen to me again.

We ended up having enjoyed our Christmas. Hankyung slept on Ryeowook's bed, and we both slept in until noon. Neither of us had presents to wake up to, but I think both of us were okay with that. We were old enough now to be okay with that. We just ordered food to our dorm, splurged, and when the other members and managers were finally back later that night, we got together in the living room to celebrate the last few hours of Christmas together.

I sat next to Siwon, and he looked at me. "Did you go to church today?" he asked.

I stared at him. "No," I said.

"Why not? You're Christian, aren't you?" he rebuked.

"Yeah, but I've been so busy - "

"You were busy today?" he asked with raised eyebrows.

"No, but I was tired, and - "

"You should go to church. We have to put all of our faith in God. He is the one to lead us out of darkness," he said sternly. I stared at him with my mouth open, then I nodded.

"Um - next time, let me know when you're going and we'll - uh - go together," I said.

Siwon looked satisfied, then turned to the other side of him.

"Teukie hyung, did you go to church today?"

We were incredibly busy for the next week, trying to catch up on the two days' worth of work that we'd missed. We'd finally debuted Tic! Toc!, and it was met with at least as much positivity from the fans as Dancing Out had. We had at least three recordings and performances every day, and were barely even getting enough time to sleep. And to be honest, we didn't even have time to celebrate New Year's Day. The most celebrating I did was during a fan signing, where the fans who came for my autograph had come with a bottle of wine, champagne, or some other kind of alcohol to celebrate my coming of age.

When I received my eleventh bottle of wine, I smiled at the fan who gave it to me. "I'll have enough wine to last me the rest of the year!" I exclaimed, and observed a somewhat hurt face of the fan. It was only then that I realized that she probably was hoping that her present had been special. I quickly read the label on the wine, and smiled.

"Thank you, I've always wanted to try this one," I said.

"Did - did you?" asked the fan, looking surprised.

"Yes, really, I - " I started, then I realized that I'd just admitted to underage drinking. "No. I mean - I've wanted to try all wines - I mean - "

I flushed, and looked up at her, who was looking at me like I was crazy. I felt my face going even redder, and I cleared my throat.

"Um - in any case, thank you, I'll enjoy the wine, and - um - so... name?" I asked awkwardly, then I finally addressed and signed her poster.

I never threw out the broken laptop, or even had it fixed. I just had it in a corner of the room, but every time I walked by it, I couldn't help but think about how disappointed and hurt I was in him. And knowing that this feeling was there to stay until I got things off my chest, I decided finally to take action; I needed the closure. And one day, when the managers were taking care of outgoing mail from the dorm, I asked Jinsoo hyung whether he kept in touch with Seunghwan hyung.

"Sure," he said.

I sighed with relief. "Then you can give this to him?" I asked, holding out the envelope and note that I'd written.

He nodded and pointed at the pile of mail and packages in the living room. "Just put it with the rest of them and I'll take care of it."

I thanked him, then took one last look at the note I'd written the night before.

Hi, Seunghwan hyung,

Thanks for your visit the other night. I really appreciate it.

I'm not really writing because I want to, but I guess this is in order. I just kept on thinking about what happened, how rudely I treated you. I'm sorry for throwing what you bought for me. I know you said the present was supposed to help me have the best day since I was here, but I guess I'm just not as material as you are. Even if I'd accepted it gladly, it still wouldn't have constituted the best day I've had here.

Anyway, knowing what you think is important though, I was thinking about how I might make up for being so rude. I thought for a long time, but then I decided on the only thing I knew about you.

Well, I know you care a lot about money, so what better thing to do than to give you your money back? So here's all of it. For everything you've ever spent on me.

So firstly, here's the money for that laptop from Christmas. If I'd known that I'd end up paying for it anyway, I probably wouldn't have thrown it. But I suppose it's too late now.

Also, I remember I didn't have to pay for that cell phone that I got after I broke my old one. I'm not sure if the company paid for it or if you paid for it out of your own pocket, but seeing as you care so much about the money, I'll just give the money to you. I guess I have a thing for throwing electronics.

And you bought me a few meals, so here's about what I remember. And a few times, you bought me drinks and tea and what not - a few coins for that. Just in case I forgot anything, a few more bills.

And last but not least, the bed. At first, I thought the bed was a right, not a privilege so I wasn't planning on giving the money back, but I'd rather play it safe. Anyway, I'm really sorry, but I don't have enough cash for that right now. I just never thought I'd be spending this much at once. Anyway, I've written you a cheque for it. If you don't cash it until the end of the week, I'll just void that cheque at the bank and send along the same amount in cash again. Or if you'd like, I won't void the cheque and you could just get the money twice. If that's what you'd prefer, I wouldn't mind doing that. This is in apology, after all.

I think that's about all I can remember. I really hope you never realize how much pain you've caused me, not to mention my bank account, but maybe you won't care since it has nothing to do with your money. Let me know if I've missed anything, and I'll be sure to give you back the rest. Know that you're going to get every single penny you've ever spent on me back, so please don't worry. I hope getting this will help you sleep well at night.

In any case, best of wishes in the New Year.

-Kyuhyun

After making sure that it was what I'd wanted, I taped the note to the envelope and placed it in the pile. I then returned to my room and had just started a computer game when I heard my name called in the living room.

"Cho Kyuhyun!"

I looked up from my computer screen and realized that Leeteuk's voice was calling me from the living room. And he didn't sound happy.

I put my computer down on my bed and took a deep breath. Then I walked out into the living room.

Leeteuk was standing in the middle of the room with a piece of paper in his hand - why did it look so familiar?

I bowed and stood in front of him with my hands together and head down.

"Yes, sunbaenim," I said quietly. Leeteuk finally looked up from the piece of paper and looked at me.

"Kyuhyun, are you crazy? You're going to send this?" he asked, holding out the piece of paper for me to see. I looked up for a split second to realize that he was holding the note I'd written for Seunghwan hyung. He'd un-taped it from the envelope and was reading it.

I looked back at the floor, my face flushing out of embarrassment and anger that he’d read the note.

"Being angry is one thing, but respect is another! I understand that you're angry, but you still have responsibilities as a person!" he shouted.

I bit my lip and lowered my head. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "But I have no respect left for him. I can't - "

There was a stinging slap across my face and I stopped talking. I swallowed before facing front again.

And I felt like crying. Because it hurt, because no one ever seemed to be on my side. But I held back the tears and just looked at my feet again.

"If you're going to send something like that, just don't send anything," said Leeteuk.

I suppressed a sigh, then looked up. "I actually bought him a Christmas present that I never got to give him," I said. "Can I give him that, then?"

Leeteuk looked at me suspiciously.

"What is it?" he asked.

"It's Chinese herbal medicine. It's just a half a year or so's worth of those one-use packages."

Leeteuk looked at me suspiciously, but then nodded.

"Fine," he said, then he gave me back the note and the envelope. "Just the present, do you understand?" he asked. "You'd better not have written anything."

I nodded, and I bowed to him as Leeteuk dismissed me.

I went back into my room and retrieved the present. The small packages were contained in a bigger cardboard box. There was no way I wasn't going to give him the money and the note, so I found myself slitting just enough of the cardboard box of the medicine set so that I could slip the envelope and note inside, but it wouldn't be possible to get either out. After taping that slit shut, I brought it out and put it among the pile of letters and packages. Leeteuk was watching me the entire time, taking his eyes off the TV that he was watching to monitor our performances for a few seconds, then he spoke softly, almost with apology in his voice.

"Are you sure you don't want to write your name down on it, at least? So that he knows it's from you?" he asked.

I shook my head. "No, it'll be fine," I said, then I bowed to him again and left the living room to return to the bedroom to continue my game.

At the same time that I knew he had left us because of the money, in a lot of ways, I didn't want to believe it, and in other ways, I couldn't believe it. So although I'd given him the cheque, I didn't expect my next bank statement to read what it did.

It was the night we left for the concert in China, and I'd gotten ready before everyone else. All of our luggage was already downstairs, and everyone was busy trying to look natural and comfortable in the most unnatural and primed way while I'd just shoved a hat on my head to hide my messy, half-curly hair and just put on what the stylists had set out for the airport. I picked up my mail from the small table by the door. I brought the envelope into my room again and opened pulled out the bank statement after slitting it open.

I started reading it to make sure all seemed right, then I saw something that made me just stare at it in disbelief for a few seconds. I then laughed. I couldn't believe it.

"Kyuhyun?" asked Ryeowook, looking worried. I laughed again with disbelief, and then realized that I must have seemed almost crazy to him.

I smiled with disbelief. "He cashed it."

"Who cashed what?" asked Ryeowook with a frown.

"Seunghwan hyung cashed the cheque I gave him for the bed."

"Why did you give him a cheque for your bed?" said Ryeowook with widened eyes. "And why would he take the money?"

I shook my head. "I thought I knew him, too." I sighed, looked up and ran my fingers through Ryeowook's tangled bangs a few times. "Keep getting ready," I said, and Ryeowook smiled and patted my shoulder before walking to a mirror to fix his hair.

There were enough business class seats this time, so I'd been able to sleep quite well on the plane. After arriving in China, we had gone through the security check and we had just gone through customs without problems and were just about to go through the gates when I noticed Jinsoo hyung on his phone and talking worriedly.

"Wait, just a second, how many people came?" asked Jinsoo hyung with widened eyes. "That's impossible, they're not that popular in China."

He listened for a few seconds, then closed his eyes and shook his head. "So barriers are up, but no security?"

I could almost imagine Seunghwan hyung yelling into his phone - that's what he would have been doing if he were in this situation - but Jinsoo hyung stayed mild and calm.

"I'm embarrassed to say, but we forgot. Seunghwan sunbae used to do everything regarding the airport, so it's my first time dealing with this. But every other time they've traveled abroad, there rarely were more than a few hundred fans, so yes, I'm surprised that three thousand of them came today."

My mouth dropped open.

Three thousand?

There was another pause, then Jinsoo hyung nodded. "Well, we have no choice. If they wait until we can get security here, we won't be able to make the concert in time. We'll send the boys through in a few minutes."

I wasn't worried about myself, but for Donghae; I knew he was afraid of crowds, and so, I made sure I had my hands on his shoulders as we went through.

As the gates opened, our mouths dropped open. There seemed to be no end to the fans, each screaming their favourite member's name and waving placards. It was the first time we'd been at an airport without security, and even I was scared. It had never happened before. The barriers weren't really barriers; they looked more like ribbons to keep people in line at coffee shops. We'd only taken a few steps in when the pushing of the fans broke the barriers down, and everyone was everywhere.

There were people crashing into me from all sides, and I was separated from everyone else on the team, including Donghae. I could barely see Donghae in front of me past so many heads although we were only a few feet apart from each other.

The heat was indescribable. Despite it being mid-winter, it was hotter in here than any other summer day I remembered, and I felt my shirt drench in sweat within minutes.

There was just too much happening at once - cameras being shoved in our faces, small presents and placards being put in front of us... But within seconds, I focused on what I was supposed to be doing - getting to the other side of the airport. I faced front again to look at how Donghae was doing, and saw him struggling and closing himself in.

"DONGHAE HYUNG!" I shouted. I reached out, but before my fingertips could touch his shoulder, there was a wave of movements from my right, eventually all of that ramming into me. I stumbled into another fan and barely stayed on my feet. And then I realized - if anyone falls here, there would be no way for them to get back up. There simply wasn't enough room. And since there was not an inch of empty space on the ground, that would mean that the person would be trampled...

In panic, I tried reaching out for Donghae again. "DONGHAE HYUNG!"

Even though we were only an arm's length away, Donghae didn't hear me; I could barely even hear my own voice. I saw someone ramming into Donghae, and I heard him yell something. There was another surge of movement, from my left this time, an open cell-phone camera hit me on my face as the girl who was holding it was pushed into me.

"Ah!" I yelled, and I reached for my face as my hand inadvertently knocked the phone out of her hand, and I knew that the phone would never get back in her hands. It hit my foot as it fell, and on the very next step I took, I felt it crunch under my foot. But there was simply no other place for me to step.

"Kyuhyun!" I heard faintly from behind me. I turned my head with difficulty and saw Ryeowook shoving his way through the crowd closer to me.

"RYEOWOOK, SLOW DOWN!" I screamed. "YOU'RE GOING TO KILL SOMEONE!"

I faced front again as Ryeowook stopped shoving. Then I saw someone fall into Donghae, and - oh god, she's going down, she's falling -

I tried to reach for her, but I was too far away. "NO!" I shouted, and I saw Donghae turning his head and see the fan.

And in that short moment, a million thoughts ran past my head.

Oh god. Donghae hyung, I know you're scared and barely able to hold yourself together right now, but please, please keep your head. Don't let her fall. Let her up.

And within the second, I saw Donghae grab her by the arm and pulling her up before she fell. And within the second, she was completely on her feet again.

I should have been more relieved than I ever was before, but I didn't even have time for it. I gasped for a breath, then focused on getting through the crowd again.

It took us a full hour to get through the hundred yards or so, and as soon as we got outside and into the bus that was waiting for us there, I felt my legs lose strength.

"Donghae hyung, Donghae hyung, are you okay?" I asked.

He was white in the face and was barely breathing regularly. "Hyung," I said. Then forgetting my own face dripping with sweat, I reached over and wiped Donghae's face with my sleeve. "Are you okay?" I asked again. He just stared at me, and I smiled encouragingly. "Hyung, you saved someone's life today."

"Oh my god, this is going to be the death of me," he muttered, then he put his head back on the headrest and closed his eyes, taking deep breaths.