I put my cheek against the tiles through my sobs, making a small puddle of tears on the floor, just as the intern started speaking.

"What happened?"

I let out a sob as Seunghwan hyung spoke.

"He got up and he tried to walk, but then he fell, and - "

"He got up?" repeated the intern, clearly shocked.

"Yes, doctor, and he - he fell pretty hard, and - "

I probably should have felt a lot of things. I should have felt sorry for not listening to my doctors. I probably should have felt scared of the harsh words from Seunghwan hyung that was sure to follow. I probably also should have felt embarrassed that I had resorted to groveling at the respresentative's feet, and worried that I might have slowed down my recovery with the fall.

But somehow, I didn't feel any of that. It just felt like the world was crumbling around me, and like nothing was going the way it was supposed to.

It was a frustration that I hadn't even felt when I was first hospitalized.

As I continued crying, the intern lifted my head up a little from the floor.

"Did you hit your head at all?" he asked.

I shook my head through my tears as the door opened again to a number of nurses and porters rushing in.

As they took their positions around me with the moving board near, the intern began giving the instructions.

"Turning him on his back, to his left. Right on three. Did everyone get that?" he asked, looking up at them all. As he got a verbal "yes" from everyone, he started the count. "Okay. One - two - "

I screamed in pain as I was repositioned.

"Oh - oh my g - god - " I bit out through my tears.

"We'll put the IV in you as soon as we can," said the intern, then he and the others moved me back onto my bed again, but by that point, I didn't even care about the pain anymore.

But I promised everyone, I promised everyone I'd be better for the second album. And what did this mean? Did this mean that I wasn't going to be with the team anymore, ever?

And if this new song did better than U - did that mean that I was never going to be back with the team?

I suppressed another sob.

No, please. I want this so much.

It's not fair that I always go through so much and have everything end like this.

It's just not fair.

I tried hard to get better when I was here, I did everything I was supposed to.

I was good while I was here.

So why am I not being rewarded for being good?

Why am I always being punished for being bad, but never rewarded for being good?

I closed my eyes and shook my head at the unfairness of it all.

I barely even noticed that the intern had placed the needle back into my hand and the pain was fading away, nor that the X-ray machine was being pulled towards me. I also didn't notice my main doctor walking in the door after a while to look at the computer screen.

"I'm a bit concerned about that shadow," said the intern, pointing at a place on the screen. "I'm not sure what it is. It could just be nothing, but - "

"Yeah, I see it," muttered the doctor.

"I wish I could reposition him to get a different angle, but I don't think it's possible given his condition."

"Book him for a CT," said the doctor easily.

The intern looked surprised for a second, then he hesitated. "But - but I mean, he's still young, and I'm concerned about his financial - "

He trailed away to silence, making the only sound that could be heard my own crying.

"Patient care comes first," muttered the doctor. "This is a legal issue. We need to cover our asses - if we miss something and there are no records of us having done these tests..."

The intern bit his lip, then took one look at my tear-covered face.

"Okay," he said quietly, then he and the doctor left the room, leaving me to cry.

As I choked out another sob, Seunghwan hyung spoke quietly.

"Kyuhyun, are you okay?"

I sniffled.

"I d  - don't get it," I whispered to the ceiling. "I don't get wh - why nothing can just go right." I looked at him. "I don't g - get it. I - I try really hard, hyung."

"I know," he murmured. "I know, Kyuhyun."

"I - I try - so - so hard, but - "

I closed my eyes.

"I - I was so - so good while I was here, I - I never once c - complained about - being stuck in - in this bed for so long, and - and I never complained ab - about being in the accident, and - and having to starve, and - and going through the - the surgery, and - and - I let the doctor in, and - and I did all these things right, but - " I stopped. It was getting difficult to speak, and I was sobbing so hard that I could barely even breathe.

"I know," whispered Seunghwan hyung with a sigh. "I know. You've been so good."

I let out another sob and continued crying through, unable to stand it anymore.

But soon, the doctor came in with the intern and a team and moved me onto a gurney. Then without any explanation, he started wheeling me out of the room.

"Doc - doctor - what - " I whispered, the tears still flowing, but he sighed.

"We're afraid that you might have broken another part of your hip with the fall, so we're just going to run some tests," said the intern quietly.

I closed my eyes, sending another stream of tears down my cheeks. "I'm - I'm so sorry," I whispered.

He sighed. "Well, the - "

I cut him off. "I kn - know. The ap - apology doesn't solve an - any problems."

He looked surprised at having me complete his sentence, but then nodded. "That's right," murmured the intern.

I sniffled again and reached up with my hands to wipe my face as I was taken to the imaging room that I'd only seen the inside of once, a few days after the surgery. I was placed on the table in a machine, and the intern brought my arms up above my head.

"You can't move, okay?" he said.

I nodded as the table started moving, taking me through the loop.

As soon as I was positioned the way he wanted, he wiped my tears with his hand. "You have to be really, really still or this won't work."

I nodded and sniffled once again as he left my side and into the control room.

As the machine began whirring, I heard the intern's voice through the speakers.

"Kyuhyun, we mean it. Hold your breath, please, and you have to be perfectly still."

"Okay," I said, and I held my breath, but I could only hold it for a few seconds before I let it out in a series of sobs again.

The machine stopped whirring again, and I heard the main doctor's voice through the speakers this time.

"Stop crying, please, Kyuhyun. This test is really expensive, and it's going to be useless if you're moving," said the doctor with a frustrated sigh.

I sniffled once more and tried to hold my breath through it, but I couldn't stop the tears. Just as the machine started its series of whirs, my chest rose and fell again in another few spasms, and the whirs stopped again. Then finally, the two of them came out of the control room to my side.

"Kyu - "

"I - I'm sorry," I said, and I reached up to wipe my tears, and the doctor sighed.

"Give him a sedative. Diazepam," he said to the intern, but the intern hesitated.

"But - but if we can get through it without - "

"If you can hold him still without giving him a sedative, I don't care what you do," said the doctor, and he turned and walked back into the control room, leaving the intern alone with me.

The intern hesitated for a second, then he looked at me.

"I'm going to strap you in, okay? I'm sorry if it's a little tight."

And then he pulled some straps on around the table and around my body, securing me to the table.

I gave another sob, and as I did, he tightened the straps around my waist even more. And then he took me by my wrists.

"Hands over your head again," he said, pulling them up.

I did as I was told, and this time, they were able to complete the test.

"You okay?" asked the intern kindly as he unstrapped me from the table. I breathed with relief, then I nodded and whispered a quiet, "Thanks". The intern smiled and squeezed my hand for a little bit until the doctor spoke to him.

"You're not going to last long in this profession if you bond with every patient you get," he said.

The intern stared at him for a good minute, then he smiled and shook his head.

"I don't agree. I think I'll be more help to the patients more this way."

"But you need to keep yourself sane," said the doctor with a sigh. "This comes from experience."

The intern looked lost for a second, then he nodded as the team came back inside the room to move me back into the gurney.

It was already dark when I'd finished the rounds of imaging tests and lab tests all over the hospital, and had gotten treated for the scrapes on my elbows and knees. I missed both lunch and dinner that day because of the tests. The intern was with me the whole time, so he didn't eat either, for which I felt so sorry. I had finally stopped crying and was anxiously awaiting the results of the imaging tests in the waiting room. When the intern came into it, my stomach tightened with apprehension.

"Good news," sighed the intern when he came inside. "Nothing wrong structurally. Bones are fine. We should be able to continue on with the recovery as we planned."

I closed my eyes in relief and breathed the breath that I'd held back.

Maybe I was wrong after all. I'm not always punished for being bad.

I smiled faintly at him as he sighed.

"Kyuhyun, you can't just - "

"Yes, doctor," I said quietly, reaching for his hand. "I'm really sorry. I know you're really busy and - "

"It's okay that I'm busy, but I don't want you to compromise any more of your health."

He squeezed my hand back, and I looked up at him, touched.

"But the doctor told you not to get too attached me," I whispered.

He laughed and ran his hand over my hair.

"He's dead wrong," he said with a smile, then he got me out of the gurney into a wheelchair and started pushing it to my room.

When we finally reached the room, my eyes widened. The curtains were drawn for the first time since Seunghwan hyung and I promised each other never to do so, but that wasn't what surprised me.

What surprised me was that Seunghwan hyung was yelling.

He was yelling at someone behind the curtain, and I felt myself shrink back at the amount of anger that was in his voice. I hadn't heard him yelling at anyone in so long, and I felt myself flush in embarrassment as the intern paused at the doorway, looking like he didn't know quite what to do.

Oh god, he's yelling at a nurse or a hospital staff, that would be so -

I'd just drawn in a breath to stop Seunghwan hyung from yelling anymore when I heard a sniffle from behind the curtain and another frustrated shout from Seunghwan hyung, clearly oblivious to the fact that we had just come into the room.

"SO WHY DID YOU THINK IT WAS OKAY TO LIE ON BROADCAST?" he had screamed.

I gripped at the sides of the wheelchair and craned my neck, trying to understand what was going on, but then he started yelling again.

"ANSWER ME! YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE A MOUTH THAT YOU CAN LIE WITH, SO TELL ME WHY!"

There was a silence, then I heard Leeteuk's quiet voice wet with tears.

"The director just - just told me to say it, so - "

"DO YOU HAVE NO BRAIN OF YOUR OWN? YOU JUST DID WHAT HE TOLD YOU TO DO WITHOUT THINKING IT THROUGH?" shouted Seunghwan hyung. "YOU DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD HAVE ANY REPERCUSSIONS?"

There was another silence, and Seunghwan hyung spoke again quietly.

"Don't expect me to be able to protect you from punishment from the company for this," he muttered.

Leeteuk didn't respond as Seunghwan hyung continued.

"I really fear for the future of this team if it has you as the leader. Never once have I seen you actually do your job right. Your immaturity baffles me."

I bit down on my lip as Seunghwan hyung's harsh words continued.

"I wish I could give the job to Kyuhyun, god knows he's more mature than you are, and unquestionably more useful. In fact, when have you ever been useful to this team, Jungsu? You never think about leading by example? Has that never gone past that thick head of yours?"

I felt my wheelchair move a little and I looked up at the intern, who was standing there with his hands still gripping the handle of the wheelchair hard, and just staring right past the closed curtains like he didn't believe what he was hearing.

Then deciding that I needed to make our presence known, I cleared my throat loudly, just hoping that he'd stop, that he'd realize that everyone makes mistakes, that Leeteuk was such an amazing hyung and leader -

Seunghwan hyung stopped abruptly, and there was an awkward silence in which there was also no movement, then the intern finally wheeled the chair closer to my bed. Just as he slung my arm around his neck to get me in the bed, Seunghwan hyung spoke again.

"I'm embarrassed that you're the leader of this team," concluded Seunghwan hyung quietly. "Now get out."

"I'm really sorry," I heard Leeteuk whisper, then his crying face finally emerged from the curtain and came to my side of the room on his way to the door. I could see the intern avoiding looking at him, but I spoke.

"Hyu - "

"Hey, Kyuhyun," he said, then he smiled at me faintly through his tears and without another word, he left the room.

Although Seunghwan hyung opened the curtains as soon as Leeteuk left the room, he, the intern and I maintained an heavy and awkward atmosphere through the night. I'd gathered from the internet that Leeteuk had said on a variety show that the best figure skater in the country had rejected his friend request on Cyworld when she really hadn't; and having heard this, our fans had started attacking her Cyworld with hate messages, feeling disrespected, baffling her greatly. Then she had revealed that Leeteuk had lied on the broadcast, and that had blown up to huge proportions in just one day.

It wasn't until the intern had left for the night and Seunghwan hyung had fallen asleep that I picked up the phone on the bedside table and dialed Leeteuk's number.

It rang for a long time, but I just let it ring. A few minutes later though, Leeteuk finally picked up.

"Hello?" said an exhausted, stuffy voice.

"Jungsu hyung, it's Kyuhyun," I said in informal speech.

Leeteuk chuckled tiredly at that. "Hey, Kyuhyun. How're you doing?"

"Fine," I whispered, eyeing Seunghwan hyung to make sure that I wasn't waking him. "Are you okay?"

"Of course I'm okay," he said mildly.

"You don't sound okay."

"I'm okay. Never worry about me, okay? I'm always okay," he said.

I bit my lip. "Why are you always okay?" I asked. "No one's always okay."

There was a long silence.

"Hyung, I know you're having a hard time," I whispered. "You're there for me when things are hard, hyung, so I'm here for you, too. You can talk to me. You can let it all out. It really - it really does make you feel better."

There was more silence, but this one was so long that I wasn't sure whether Leeteuk was actually still on the other end.

"Hyung?" I whispered again, and as I did, I heard a sniffle.

Then after another long while, Leeteuk spoke with effort in every tear-soaked syllable, as if it took all he had to bite out the words.

"I'm okay. I'm always okay."

"Why are you saying you're okay when you're obviously not? Hyung!" I said in frustration in informal speech, but Leeteuk spoke again quietly.

"Kyuhyun, I have to go. Get some rest and get better soon, okay?"

There was a click as Leeteuk hung up, and I was left alone on the phone, holding the receiver against my ear in the darkness.

I sighed and put it down. "Why won't he just let his feelings go to someone?" I mused to no one in particular.

But a voice answered.

"Because he's the leader."

I looked over to my side to realize that it was Seunghwan hyung who'd spoken.

"Because he wants to always be strong for the rest of you. And he always has to care for the rest of you." He sighed. "He's a good kid. And a good leader."

I stared for a second, then I understood.

He always wanted us to think that he was okay simply because he was the leader, and he wanted us to be able to confide in him and trust him to be that emotional rock for the rest of the team, no matter how hard times were for him. He didn't want to show weakness in fear that we would become weak as a team... But in exchange, he was always bottling up his emotions, keeping them in, making sure they never showed.

So when we had him to lean on when we were having a hard time, he had no one.

And I finally, finally understood how difficult his job was. To shoulder all of the burden, and to always be strong, just for the sake of the team.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, letting it sink in. And then having made a decision, I hastily picked up the receiver again and dialed Leeteuk's number once more.

"Hey, Kyuhyun. What's wrong?" said Leeteuk on the other line.

I closed my eyes.

Asking me what's wrong when he has enough of his own problems to deal with.

I bit my lip for a short moment, then opened my mouth to speak.

"Hyung?"

"Yeah, Kyuhyun."

"We're so lucky to have you as our leader," I whispered in honorifics.

I heard Leeteuk sigh. "I know I made a mistake today, but you don't have to - "

"No, hyung, I mean it," I said sincerely.

"Why are you suddenly speaking to me in honorifics?" he asked tiredly. "What do you need?"

"Nothing," I said. "I just - I think you deserve at least that much respect from me. For all that you do for us."

There was a long pause in which neither of us said anything.

"I love you, hyung," I whispered.

"Thanks, Kyuhyun. Take care," said Leeteuk tiredly, then he hung up again.