"Aw, our maknae Cho Kyu got scared," said Eunhyuk with a laugh, and then he held my face between his hands and lifted it up. "It's okay."

"I thought - I really thought - " I managed, but I couldn't continue because I was so shocked, and crying too hard.

"We've let you go for a few days without doing the dishes before, we wouldn't beat you because you left them in the sink for three hours," said Sungmin with another laugh, clapping me lightly on my cheek.

"I can't believe you did this," I said tearfully. I looked at Ryeowook. "I can't believe you played along."

"I thought Kangin hyung was really going to hit me for a second, and I got so scared too!" said Ryeowook with widened eyes and one hand over his chest.

Kangin roared with laughter before taking Ryeowook's neck from behind and shaking him roughly. "I might have if we kept it going for much longer," said Kangin. "I almost slapped you, and that wasn't acting."

Ryeowook laughed as I also chuckled.

"Aw, our cute little Kyuhyun," said Yesung, then he reached out a finger and aimed it towards my lip to touch it, at which I quickly turned my head away.

"Don't, I'm sick," I said with a small smile said through my tears, and everyone burst out in laughter before reaching out a hand to wipe my wet eyes for me. After I'd finally finished crying and Ryeowook had retrieved the mask from our room and helped me put it on, everyone sat me down on the couch in the living room. I rarely sat here when everyone was in the living room since the couch only fit three or four oldest hyungs while the rest of us sat around on the floor. Kangin sat down on one side of me and Leeteuk on the other. Then Eunhyuk walked towards me with something hidden behind his back.

"Kyuhyun, we have a present for you," said Eunhyuk. I looked at him, barely able to see him clearly because of the many small teardrops clung to my eyelashes.

"Come on, hyung, it's actually not really a present," said Ryeowook with a smile.

"Be quiet," said Eunhyuk, much to general laughter. "Anyway, Kyuhyun, this came in the mail yesterday, and I thought I'd save it to give it to you right now."

I looked up at him and waited for him to reveal the present, but Eunhyuk just burst out laughing. "Okay. I'm really sorry. This really isn't a present. Actually - I'm really sorry we did this. We were just really curious."

"What?" I said, starting to become anxious.

Eunhyuk finally put his hands out in front of him, revealing what he had been hiding, and I looked at what he was holding out. It was an envelope, ripped open on one side.

"It's open," I said unnecessarily.

"I know," said Eunhyuk. "I'm sorry. I couldn't help myself."

I frowned and turned it around. And then I saw the seal.

It was a letter from Kyunghee University.

I looked up, shocked. They were giving this to me on my birthday because it was good news. It was good news?

"I got in?" I asked, my voice shaking.

No one said anything and just smiled at me. I pulled the letter out with a shaking hand. When I carefully unfolded the page, I saw the one word that I'd been waiting for: Congratulations.

I gave a shout of glee and jumped up from the couch. I felt dizzy with happiness as I grabbed hold of Eunhyuk - he was simply the first person I saw - and hugged him as tightly as I could. I ignored the laughs around me as I started tearing up. God, this was what I'd worked so hard for - and I instantly imagined the proud smiles of my parents and the surprised delight of my teacher. And Seunghwan hyung - if I just told him - how would he react? Would he be ecstatic for me, or would he be indifferent? Would he be proud of me, or would he simply tell me to focus more on work?

"Oh my god, I can't believe it. I did it," I whispered. "I did it."

"I know," said Eunhyuk, patting me on the back, and then pulling me away from him again.

I steadied my breath with a sigh, and then looked up at Eunhyuk. "I can't believe you - "

"I know. I said sorry already," said Eunhyuk. I rolled my eyes, and as I was doing so, I caught Ryeowook's entertained eyes.

"Ryeowook? Did you get into Inha like you wanted?" I asked.

Ryeowook nodded. "Yeah. I'll be a theatre arts student at Inha University in March," said Ryeowook with a smile.

I shook my head. "Well, I understand why you want to act. You fooled me," I said. There was another burst of laughter in the room, and then I heard a door bang open in the hallway.

I frowned at the noise, confused, and then I saw Heechul's figure appear at the entrance of the living room. My stomach tightened with nervousness as he crossed his arms and addressed the silenced living room.

"Enough fooling around," he growled, annoyed. "I can't sleep because of all this noise. Go to bed. All of you. It's well past midnight."

I hung my head and said a small word of apology, at which Heechul scoffed.

"If you're so sorry, shut up and go to bed," said Heechul, then he his heel and marched back into his room.

The living room after he'd left became silent as a tomb, then Leeteuk sighed from behind me.

"Okay, let's go to bed," he said, then he got up. As everyone stood around, I finally spoke.

"Thank you for the surprise, and for reminding me that it was my birthday," I said quietly in order not to disturb Heechul's sleep again. It was met with small smiles and nods, and I bowed to everyone before trudging along into my room.

After I'd been sent to bed, I couldn't sleep with the excitement and joy that I'd been accepted into one of the best universities in the country. I just lied on my bed, staring at the ceiling, when I finally realized what I was doing.

Why wasn't I calling my parents?

I shook my head and picked up my phone from the floor under my bed, and I dialed. I knew it was late, but this was news worth breaking at any time of the hour. The phone rang three or four times before it was answered.

"Hello?"

It was my dad, but he didn't sound like he'd just woken up; his voice was as clear as day.

"Dad, it's me, it's Kyuhyun," I said.

"Kyuhyun! You finally decided to call!" said my dad, sounding surprised, but he somehow also maintained the calmness that he always had in his voice.

"Yeah, I did," I said, smiling at the conversation. "Dad, it's my birthday."

I heard a warm chuckle on the other line.

"I know, Kyuhyun. We didn't forget. Happy birthday," said my dad.

"Thank you," I said. I opened my mouth to tell them about university, but before I could, my dad spoke on the other end.

"Are you coming home for your birthday, or are you too busy?" he asked.

I paused. Could I go home?

"Um - I don't know," I said truthfully. "I'll ask the managers, and if they let me, then I'll come home. If I can't, then I'll go some other time."

"Son, you didn't even come home for Christmas or New Year's Day," he said, sounding saddened.

"I know. I'm so sorry," I said regretfully, feeling like I'd disappointed my parents. I hated that feeling more than anything else. "But I have good news," I said.

"What is it?" he said mildly.

"Dad - " I paused and steadied my breath. I don't think I'd ever broken such good news to my parents before, and I wanted to cherish this feeling. "Dad, I got into Kyunghee University."

There was a silence. I smiled, imagining a shocked pride on my dad's face while he held the phone against her ear. I waited for him to speak for several seconds, but there was nothing. I frowned. The silence was much to long to be natural.

"Dad?" I asked.

There was more silence, and I sighed. Did the call disconnect just before I broke my good news?

"Dad?" I repeated one last time into my phone. I frowned, and I thought I heard a deep breath being taken on the other end.

"Son - thank you," said my dad, and I heard his voice waver.

"Dad," I said, perplexed.

"Thanks for trying so hard, and working so hard," he said.

There was another silence, and I spoke quietly into the phone. "Dad, am I a son you're proud of now?"

My dad chuckled again. "You've always been a son that I was proud of," he said. We both laughed with happiness and joy, bid each other a good night, and hung up. As soon as I closed my eyes, I found myself thinking about what I'd say to the managers in the morning.

I woke up before anyone else that morning, and I knocked on the managers' room before breakfast. I opened the door, and saw Jinsoo hyung getting up from his bed groggily.

"Hi," I said with a small smile.

"Yeah," he yawned.

"Do I have schedules today?" I asked. Jinsoo hyung sighed, shuffled through the pile of papers sitting next to his bed, then shook his head.

My heart soared.

"How about you? Are you busy?" I asked.

He sighed. "Like always. I'm free for an hour in the morning, but I'm booked until 4am in the morning."

I should have felt sorry and sympathetic, but I didn't feel any of that; I just felt relief and happiness.

"Sir, can you - can you possibly drive me home within that hour window? I'll be back by subway by 11pm," I pleaded. I saw Jinsoo hyung consider for a second. "It's my birthday," I interjected. Jinsoo hyung sighed, then nodded. I beamed.

"Fine. I have to drop some documents off for Seunghwan sunbae at his apartment during that hour, but I can drop you off on the way back."

My head snapped up with surprise.

"You're visiting him at his apartment?" I asked.

Oh god. Could things be falling into place better than this? Maybe today would be the day I could apologize to him. If I could just work up the courage.

Jinsoo hyung nodded. "Just for a few minutes. You don't even have to leave the van."

I shook my head. "I - I'd had a few things I wanted to say to him, so - can I go up with you?"

Jinsoo hyung shrugged. "Sure, I don't see why not."

I nodded, and bracing myself for what might or might not be a very unpleasant experience, I went back into my room to get dressed.

I followed the team around for the morning, and watched Super Junior T, which was only composed of the older hyungs, in their practice in a practice room. I was watching for an hour or so when there was a tiny knock on the window, which I had my back to. I turned my head to look out of it, and I finally saw Jinsoo hyung beckoning me out of the room. I jumped to my feet quickly, and without even saying good-bye to the rest of the team, ran out into the hallway by Jinsoo hyung's side.

"We're here," said Jinsoo hyung. He parked the van on the side of the street as I looked up in surprise.

"Here?" I asked. Jinsoo hyung was already getting out of the van, and I followed. I squinted at the five-story building in front of me. It was of red bricks, not really an apartment building like I'd imagined; it was old, and I could see that dirt was almost dripping from the outside of the walls.

There was almost a stench as soon as we stepped into the building, of mold and the sharp smell of old rain that I could smell even through my mask. Holding my breath, I followed Jinsoo hyung up the stairs; there were no elevators in this building. There also wasn't a long hallway leading to the different suites like there were at our dorm or at my own home, but each set of stairs, of which there were four in total, could only lead us to two doors per floor. But with every step I took, I found something more wrong. A chunk missing out of one of the stairs, a crack in the floors, the paint peeling off of the walls, cobwebs strung across the ceilings...

"I wonder why he moved out of the managers' dorms to stay here," I said, appalled.

"He said he couldn't live under scrutiny anymore," said Jinsoo hyung.

I frowned. "What does that even mean?"

Jinsoo hyung shrugged and stopped abruptly at a door. "This should be it," he said, then he rang the doorbell. However, we didn't hear anything from the other side. "I guess it's broken," said Jinsoo hyung with a sigh, and he put his fist to the door and knocked instead.

We waited, but I couldn't hear a single thing from within the apartment. A few moments later, Jinsoo hyung knocked again. Again, no response. Jinsoo hyung sighed, then took his phone out of his pocket.

"Sorry, Kyuhyun. Did you want to speak to him on the phone?"

I hesitated, then I shook my head. "No. I want to do it in person."

Jinsoo hyung shrugged, and started dialing.

"Sunbae, I'm at your door, and obviously you're not here," said Jinsoo hyung. He waited to hear the response, then he spoke again. "Should I still go in? I still have the keys you gave me last time," said Jinsoo hyung into his phone. I fiddled with my fingers as he listened. "Okay. I can set the documents in your living room, and you wanted me to pick something up, right? Where is it?" asked Jinsoo hyung, then he fiddled with the keys and opened the door. He walked inside, leaving me outside the door, confused as to whether I was supposed to wait for him by the door or go inside with him. I stood there awkwardly for a second when I realized that Jinsoo hyung was holding the door open for me, and I took this as the invitation to come inside with him.

I stepped inside the apartment carefully. Jinsoo hyung's voice, still talking into the phone, faded away as he moved into the living room and I continued on through the hallway. The first thing that I saw was his kitchen. I carefully a light, and I saw a cockroach speed away from the middle of the floor to a corner, out of sight. Shocked, I looked up and around the kitchen and saw the tiny sink piled up high with dirty dishes. Gosh, why wasn't he taking care of his apartment?

I turned away from the sink, and then I walked to the small fridge sitting in the corner of the kitchen and opened it. And what I saw nearly made me cry.

Of the four or five shelves, only one was being used to store what looked like a few pieces of leftover pizza on a dirty plate and a half-eaten can of tuna. I moved the tuna aside a little and saw a single tub of yogurt as the only other thing on the shelf. I looked at the door of the fridge to find a single bottle of water and two bottles of soju. I bit my lip and opened the drawer to find a few onions and potatoes rolling around on the bottom. Oh god, is that all he eats? Does he even have rice?

I closed the fridge and instead opened every cabinet I could see for rice, and in the end, I found some uncooked sitting in a sack; however, when I opened it to take a closer look, I saw cockroaches nestled within the grains. Horrified, I quickly tilted the sack towards the floor and scooped out the rice with my hands hurriedly until both the cockroaches fell to the floor and scurried away. I put my hand over my painful chest and rubbed it.

What are you doing, Seunghwan hyung? You know better.

What are you doing?

I sighed, then started picking up the rice grains that I'd spilled on the floor. I found a garbage can in the kitchen, also clearly infested with cockroaches, and shook the rice grains off my hand and into the garbage. I sealed the sack of rice as tightly as I could before closing the pantry, but I was still not fully convinced that the cockroaches were not going to make their way back into it. And when I got up again, I was more distressed than ever.

Chewing on my lip, I walked into the hallway again. There was only one door in the entire hallway. It was left open, and I cautiously stepped inside.

It was his bedroom. He had a small, clearly worn desk on one side and a tiny single bed narrower than my own at the dorm with a thin mattress over it on the other side of the room. Although the desk and bed were on opposite sides of the room, there were only two or so feet between the desk and the bed, the room being so small; the chair couldn't be pulled out all the way from the desk without its back hitting the side of the bed. I lifted my eyes and looked around. I could almost see him being here, sitting down at the desk to slave over the huge pile of paperwork that he was pressured to finish each day, then barely even making it to the bed before falling asleep for a maximum of two or three hours before having to wake up to take care of  his team. I smiled a bit at the memories, then opened the curtains to finally let some orange sunlight through the dingy room. As I did, I finally noticed that there was a picture of him with his arm around a very pretty girl's shoulders - I assumed her to be his girlfriend - placed carefully on the windowsill. I smiled. It felt good to see his face after more than a month, whether or not it was in person or via picture. And before I knew it, I found myself speaking to his picture.

"Hi, hyung," I whispered. "It's my birthday." I smiled a little. "I was hoping for some birthday wishes from you, but I guess you forgot. But that's okay. I almost forgot, too. And you seem to have a lot more to worry about than I do."

I brushed his photograph with my thumb before walking closer to his desk, which was messier than I'd ever imagined the manager hyung could be, when I realized that the desk wasn't covered with paperwork, but rather with simple stationary.

I frowned and took a closer look, but what I saw made my heart drop.

Pieces and pieces of paper, just with the words, "Dear Kyuhyun", over and over again, each one beginning with "Happy birthday", and each one eventually crumpled up or set aside.

I took a deep breath.

He - he was doing this? Amidst everything he's going through?

I bit my lip, and picked up a half-finished letter from his desk to start reading when the door to the bedroom flew open. I jumped and hid the letter behind my back. I looked to the door and saw Jinsoo hyung standing there with a confused frown.

"What are you doing?" he asked suspiciously.

"Nothing," I said quickly. He frowned at me for a bit longer, then shook his head, resigned.

"Are you ready to leave?" he asked.

"Uh, yes, sir," I said quickly, then I stowed the crumpled-up letter in my pocket when I was assured that he wasn't watching.

I didn't have a chance to read the letter until after I got back to the dorm after my trip home. I'd been much too preoccupied when I was home, basking the love, care and acceptance that I'd been deprived of for so long. It was my parents' way of catering to me, the guarantee that they'd be proud of me no matter what mistakes I made. It was the knowledge that I wouldn't be ordered around, and it was the knowledge that finally, I could relax and let myself go.

Although the dorm had accepted me as their maknae, that was all I still was: the maknae. At the same time that I was no longer bullied, I'd still been suppressed. I still hadn't had a chance to show who I really was except to a select few, and I'd always been careful not to make a wrong move in fear that things would go back to how they were before.

My family and I celebrated around a small cake with the nineteen candles placed in it. And although I only had a few forkfuls of the cake, worried about my weight, I'd had a thoroughly enjoyable time with my family.

When I returned to the dorm, I found my chores for the day finished by the other hyungs.

"This is the real birthday present we had for you," said Eunhyuk. "Sorry it's not much." I shrugged.

"Saves me a few hours of sleep," I said. "Thanks."

I then patted him on the shoulder and walked into my room, closing the door behind me. I got in my bed, feeling the crumpled-up letter brush against my leg in my pocket. When I was assured that I was alone, I finally smoothed out the stationary and started reading.

Dear Kyuhyun,

Happy belated birthday.

I just wanted nothing more than to wish you a happy birthday. But since you'd told me to stay away from you if I wanted to make your days, I wanted to make sure you didn't get this until after your birthday was over. Because I really wanted to make your birthday. I don't know what makes me think it's okay to ruin the day after your birthday, but I just had to wish you a happy birthday.

I know you don't want to hear from me, so I'll keep it short. Regarding a few weeks ago - I'm very sorry for taking your money. If I may give a pathetic excuse, I was just having trouble maintaining the apartment that I live in now. My pay was late that month, and I just had no way to pay the rent unless I used the money you'd given me. I know I should have taken out a loan from the bank or something, but I wasn't sure if I could pay the interest. I should have let you know, but knowing how much I disappointed you, I just couldn't bring myself to contact you again.

I'm sorry about the incident - and sorry about using what is supposed to be a congratulatory letter to my defense. I've done so much wrong when it comes to you that I don't know how I even have the nerve to give you this letter, but

The letter stopped there; he’d clearly been unsatisfied with what he was writing.

I sighed and held it tightly in my hand. And in my bed, I heard myself whimper.