Chp 115

Kyuhyun... It's been hard on you.

After I'd finished taping up the letter, I slid it back into the envelope. I didn't know what to do with it for a few moments - I had no storage space in this room - so I put it between the bed and the mattress. I then finally climbed on my new bed, and lied down in it.

Come on, Kyuhyun. This is your own bed. It's yours, I thought, willing myself to feel happy.

But I just couldn't feel it as I just stared at the ceiling.

And I fell asleep before any of the members got back to the dorm, without having caught up on any of the chores that I said I would.

 

 

I awoke the next morning to the sound of Ryeowook's alarm. I didn't know how I did it, but I'd somehow fallen into deep sleep over the night.

As soon as I opened my eyes, thoughts ran through my head.

Oh god. That wasn't my ceiling.

This wasn't my room, this wasn't my bed.

And Leeteuk was sleeping in the bed next to mine.

I sat up from the bed right away and scrambled to get out of this - this bed, what was I doing in this bed?

And that was when I realized - the manager hyung wasn't here anymore. And there was no one to help me here.

I was alone again.

As I was struggling to get out of my blankets, I felt a hand touch my shoulder lightly.

"Kyuhyun, are you okay?"

I startled and pushed the hand off my shoulder.

"What are you doing?" I asked with hostility.

"Kyuhyun," said Ryeowook with surprise.

"Don't - don't touch me!" I said in panic. Oh god. I had to get out of here.

"Did you have a nightmare? It's me. Everything's okay," said Ryeowook.

"No, I didn't - I didn't have a nightmare. Just - just stay away from me," I stuttered, then I finally got myself untangled from my blankets and rushed into the bathroom, leaving the confused Ryeowook still sitting on the bed.

Once I closed the door of the bathroom, I took a deep breath and sat down on the tiled floor of the bathroom. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to understand what I'd just done.

What was I doing? Ryeowook's been on my side for months and months, and we had become such good friends in that time.

Why was I doing this? Did I really have a nightmare that I couldn't remember?

I sighed and buried my face into my knees.

I had to get a grip.

I got back up on my feet, then slowly walked out of the bathroom. Ryeowook was in the kitchen, getting started on breakfast, and I put my hand on his shoulder.

"Hey," I said. Ryeowook looked at me. I expected him to be angry, but his expression was one of concern. "I'm really sorry. I guess I did have a nightmare after all. I just - "

"It's okay, as long as you're okay," said Ryeowook, looking in my face. "Are you really okay?"

I nodded. "Sorry," I repeated.

Ryeowook shook his head. "It's no problem. Go get some more rest," he said.

"No, I'm fine," I said, then I rolled up my sleeves and finally started on the two days' worth of dishes that were piled up in the sink.

 

 

I really didn't feel like eating breakfast that morning. There was no way I could get any of it down. Thankfully, I still hadn't been able to finish the dishes as everyone started coming into the living room to eat, and I remained in the kitchen to do them. As soon as I was almost finished though, the bowls from breakfast started piling up, much to my dismay. God, this was just neverending.

"Everyone come out here!" shouted Jinsoo hyung from the living room. I sighed and dried my wet hands on my pants before walking out into the living room.

And at that very moment, we were introduced to the new manager that would be replacing Seunghwan hyung. Knowing how hard it is to come into an established team, I greeted him with smiles and reminded myself that he wasn't the one to make Seunghwan hyung leave. I felt that it was part of my duty to make him feel welcome and respect him.

At least until he said his first words to me later that day after calling me aside.

"Kyuhyun, why aren't you learning Mandarin?" he asked, frowning into my smiling face.

"I - I just - " I said hastily, but I didn't have an answer, so I hung my head. "I'm sorry. I'll begin now."

"Seunghwan hyung didn't tell you?"

"No, he did, he really did. Months ago, actually. I just - forgot because of my entrance exams. It's totally my fault."

"He never arranged for a tutor?" he asked.

I looked up at him, starting to feel defensive. "I guess he knew that my entrance exams were more important to me than learning Mandarin at the time that he was here," I said.

"Right. You're going to the office today to sort that out. And be warned, I'm not going to hesitate to beat you if you don't take this seriously," said the new manager.

I glared at him. "Do they teach you to be mean to us at manager school or something?" I muttered under my breath.

The new manager looked at me. "We're taught to be strict with a younger group and to make sure that you know you have to listen to us, yes," he said, then he turned away from me as I just stared at him, dumbstruck.

 

 

I had my first Chinese lesson that day, and was off to the night's worth of practice. Languages didn't come easily to me, and I was confused half the time. But assuring myself that this was going to be much easier than preparing for entrance exams, I got myself through the lesson.

We apparently weren't promoting this SM Town Winter song, Tic Toc!, as fervently as we promoted Dancing Out, but we still had singing practice this week, and we would spend all of the next week learning the choreography for it. I was making my way to practice when I heard a bright yell behind me.

"KYUHYUN HYUNG! HYUNG, I GOT PUT ON A TEAM!"

I looked back to see Jonghyun bounding towards me, smiling the widest smile I've ever seen from anyone.

"Hyung, I got put on a team!" he repeated.

Before I even felt happy to see him though, I had a thought run through my head.

Is that where Seunghwan hyung was? Managing for Jonghyun's new group?

"What team?" I asked seriously, taking him by the shoulders and giving him a small shake. "What team? A large-scale girl group?"

Jonghyun didn't say anything as he looked into my eyes.

"Um - " he said, looking extremely uncomfortable.

Oh god. That was where Seunghwan hyung was?

"Jonghyun!" I yelled, hurrying him. I gave him another shake.

Jonghyun looked flustered, then he shook his head. "Uh - hyung, I guess you didn't notice, but I'm not a girl. So no, I'm not in a girl group," said Jonghyun. He took me by my wrists and pulled my hands off his shoulders. "And it's a group of five, including me. It's not really large-scale."

Oh. Right. Jonghyun wouldn't be in a girl group. What was I thinking?

"Um - right. Sorry," I said, blushing. Was I going crazy?

"It's okay," said Jonghyun. There was an awkward silence, then he smiled at me again. "I'm moving into a different dorm soon! I'll finally get to leave that pigsty of an apartment that I have to share with seventeen other guys."

I laughed. "So it'll just be the five of you living in the apartment?"

He shook his head. "No, we're effectively competing against another group of five for our debut chance, so we're living with them plus our managers. So it'll be just twelve of us there."

I nodded my understanding. "You only have one manager for your team?" I asked.

He nodded. "I mean, we're a long way away from debuting, so we're only just going to tiny stages as a team once in a really long time, so..."

I nodded, but frowned. "What if you guys get overly competitive and start hurting each other?"

He laughed. "Our managers are there to watch over us all the time! They won't let that happen. Besides, they told us to focus on ourselves, because the teams aren't fixed, they said. They think they've divided the teams according to what they think might be best, but the teams might still change. So I guess, in the end, the ten of us will narrow down to five who will debut."

"Okay. Well, congratulations, Jonghyun," I said, returning the smile.

Jonghyun smiled brightly. "Thanks," he said. He then looked at me expectantly, at which I hesitated.

"What?" I asked.

"You're not going to, you know, be a hyung and buy me dinner?" he asked.

I laughed. "What? You're the one that should be buying this time! You're the one with the good news!"

"I'll buy when I debut," he promised, his eyes sparkling. I rolled my eyes and Jonghyun grabbed  my arm. "Hyung, I'm a trainee, I have no money. You're a freaking idol, you earn money. Please?"

I laughed, and ruffled his hair. "Okay," I said. "I'm busy today, but find me again next week. Okay?" I said, and he gave a laugh of happiness and hugged me as I chuckled again and patted his back.

 

 

We returned to the dorm at around 6am after a long singing practice. Thankfully, I had no schedules - I was still the least busy of everyone on the team - but everyone else only had one or two hours of sleep before leaving for their schedules without even eating breakfast.

It was tough for them. Every day, they had schedules to run in the day and practice at night; none of them had time to do anything else anymore, and the only sleep they got was during transportation, when they slept in the van and the one or two hours that they got at the dorm.

I was luckier though, but I was still tired. And not having slept in so long, I stayed in bed even after everyone had left the dorm and continued sleeping, hoping to stock up on sleep before another night practice at the office later that day. I guess that was when my day-night reversal began.

However, at around 11am, I awoke to someone screaming at me from the doorway.

I opened my eyes to see Heechul standing there with his arms crossed. I had just woken up and I was tired, but I got to my feet and bowed, which Heechul didn't acknowledge.

"The hyungs are working their asses off and you're sleeping at the dorm?" asked Heechul furiously without introduction.

"I just didn't have anything to really do," I said quietly.

"Your chores?"

"They're done," I said, blood rushing to my face with anger.

"I just saw the laundry basket overflowing," he said.

"Laundry's not my job. Ryeowook does the cooking and the laundry. I do the dishes and the cleaning. You know that."

"Ryeowook's working right now," said Heechul. "So you should do his chores."

If Heechul hadn't been scolding me, and if he had instead asked me nicely or if Ryeowook asked me to do it, I probably would have done it in a heartbeat. But the way Heechul was telling me to just made me want to do nothing more than to do anything but what he was telling me to do.

"It's not like I get paid when Ryeowook's working," I retorted.

There was a surprised silence as Heechul processed my words. "So you think it's okay that he's going to come back to the dorm, exhausted, and still have chores to do?"

"That doesn't make his chores my job," I said.

Heechul stared at me, clearly shocked that I was talking back to the extend that I was, then he glared at me.

"We're still a team," said Heechul. "If a member's busy, you should - "

"You should be the one to talk about the team," I said, glaring right back. "You're always only thinking about yourself. And you know what? You're wrong. We're not a team. We're all here for ourselves. The manager hyung proved that when he left our team for a better-paying job. You proved that, when you refused to be punished with the rest of the team. So don't talk to me about the team. And don't say we're a team just so you can watch me do Ryeowook's chores," I whispered. "You're the one that didn't let Ryeowook do my chores for me when I was busy with school before. Don't say we're a team just to make me do extra work." I then turned away from him.

"CHO KYUHYUN!" he yelled, but I didn't listen and just got back in the bed. I closed the door, but seconds later, Heechul had limped towards me until he had me by the front of my shirt.

"You've learned the wrong lesson from his leaving!" he shouted.

"There was no lesson to be learned from his leaving! He left! That's all!" I screamed.

"You insolent punk!" shouted Heechul, then he raised his hand and struck me across the face.

And at this, I just exploded.

"DON'T!" I shouted. "STOP HITTING ME! I'M SO SICK AND SO TIRED OF EVERYONE THINKING IT'S OKAY TO HIT ME! IT'S NOT OKAY! SO STOP - "

I was glaring at him, shaking with anger, when Heechul raised his hand and slapped me again. When I looked at him again, he was pointing his finger at me.

"Are you out of your mind?"

I didn't say anything. I didn't care if my behaviour was unacceptable. I didn't deserve to be hit, no matter what I did. No one deserved to be hit. And I hated it. And I hated him.

This wasn't okay.

"I SAID, DON'T HIT ME!" I screamed.

Then before Heechul could say another word, I got up from the bed, rushed to the front door, grabbed my jacket, and slammed the door behind me.

I knew Heechul couldn't do stairs yet. And in that, I ran up the stairs until I got to the rooftop.

I think that was the first time I was up there while the sun was still up. The rooftop had a different feel, but it was always comforting to know that I was alone here, and knowing that I could be free from everything here. It was a place of escape. From work, from everyone else, from anger, from hurt...

Seunghwan hyung, if you were here right now, I'm sure you would have put an end to this, I thought, and I sighed and lied down on the concrete floor. And I just watched the clouds until the sun began to set and the sky coloured with a magnificent magenta.

 

 

I knew I had practice that night, but I didn't know if I could bring myself to go back to the dorm or the office. I didn't know if I could do this anymore, a sentiment I hadn't felt since the manager hyung stopped me from leaving the team such a long time ago. I hadn't realized how much I relied on the manager hyung until now.

And now that I knew... I just didn't think I could do it.

I was still contemplating on whether I should go back to the dorm or not, now that it was really time for me to go to practice, when the trapdoor to the rooftop creaked opened. I looked to find Ryeowook, Eunhyuk, Donghae and Sungmin come up, and I sighed.

"Hey," said Eunhyuk, sitting down next to me. "Do you want to talk?"

"No," I said.

"Come on," said Ryeowook, also taking a seat beside me.

"No," I said firmly. "I'm so sick and so tired of being treated like a slave. Everyone does it. The team, the managers, the company - everyone does it, and I'm sick of it."

There was a silence, then Ryeowook looked at me. "I do it, too?" asked Ryeowook, looking hurt.

I opened my mouth to retort, but I didn't know what to say.

"Kyuhyun, I'm really sorry that Seunghwan hyung isn't our manager anymore," said Ryeowook softly. "I know you leaned on him a lot. But Kyuhyun, your doing this is making it harder for everyone else. We're overloaded already, and you're not helping." He frowned a little. "I know you'd have given an arm and a leg for Seunghwan hyung. Why can't you do just half of what you'd do for him for us?"

I knew he was asking a rhetorical question, but the words came out of my mouth before I even knew what I was saying. "Because you haven't given me as much as he did," I said. "Because he knows more about me than you do. Because he listens better, because he cared about me more than you did. Because he - "

"Kyuhyun," said Eunhyuk softly. He didn't say anything for a minute. I looked at him, then when I met his eyes, he finally spoke. "Kyuhyun, that hurts a little. We care about you a lot, too."

I sighed. "Not as much as - "

"You never gave us a chance," said Sungmin. "The only time you talk to me is when I pry things out of you. You've put up a fence around yourself, and you wouldn't let anyone else talk to you. I don't know what Seunghwan hyung did to get through the fence, but I haven't figured it out yet. But are you isolating yourself because you want to be alone? Because if not - the fact that you think you have no one else to talk to is your fault, not mine. I can't count the number of times I've asked you to tell me something, and you just saying, 'later' and never talking to me about it again."

"I don't always want to share some things with everyone," I said with a frown. God, why was everyone being so annoying today?

"But you shared everything with Seunghwan hyung. Why was he so special, Kyuhyun?" asked Sungmin. I shook my head with a frown, but he was persistent. "Tell us. That way, we can try to be like him, and so you'll feel comfortable talking to us as well."

Then I felt a surge of anger without knowing why. "BECAUSE HE WAS THERE FROM THE BEGINNING! HE WAS THERE TO LISTEN TO ME WHEN ALL OF YOU WERE BUSY BULLYING ME! BECAUSE HE NEVER ASSIGNED ME EXTRA CHORES OR BEAT ME JUST BECAUSE I WAS THE YOUNGEST, AND BECAUSE HE ALWAYS RESPECTED ME AS MUCH AS HE RESPECTED THE REST OF YOU! AND YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT WAS SPECIAL WHEN EVERYONE ELSE I KNEW AND DIDN'T KNOW HATED ME!"

I glared at all of them, who were staring at me, looking like they couldn't believe I had the guts to say what I just did. "And now, try to be like him. But you missed your chance. You can't take back the past. You can try to be like him all you want, but you'll never be."

All of them were struck speechless.

"And you think just because I'm desperate for all of your acceptance, and just because I cling on to every gesture that you give me that acknowledges that I'm more than an animal, that it means I've forgiven you for the past, don't you?" I asked, seething. None of them said anything. "If you're ever in my position, you'd know. You'd know why I can't really forgive any of you."

I looked at Donghae, who had a frown on his face with his lips between his teeth. "What, you're surprised?" I asked with contempt.

"No," said Donghae quietly, looking at his feet.

I glared at him, then he finally looked up at me with his soft eyes.

"I'm just... sorry."

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Comments

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secretanimelover #1
I might actually cry. This fic has always been so special to me and I used to come back and read my fave chapters regularly. I am so grateful that you are letting us all have access to it again. Thank you so much!
ferris_wheel
#2
Chapter 151: Thank you, i always go back to this whenever i need something to read. So thank you
mykyunie #3
Chapter 150: Love it very much
kyunniebiased4life
#4
I AM SO HAPPY TO SEE THIS UP AGAIN! I had to get a web archive from this to be able to read it. Thank you so much for allowing us to revisit this amazing story of our beloved maknae. Its a little bittersweet reading about Jonghyun, but I still love this so much.
bananajun
#5
hey, thank you so much for bringing this back.
mikaella_suju #6
Wahh I didn't know you republished this again. I literally searched the whole web just so I can re read
this again. I remembered messaging someone on Twitter asking for the link for this on wayback machine (webarchive.org). I really love this, its been years since I've read this but I still remember how good this was. Thank you for writing such an amazing fic!❤
Maymayz #7
Chapter 150: Oh my god you opened it again!!!!! I'm tearing up😭😭😭
Thank you so much for your hard work💙💙
mykyunie #8
Chapter 151: I do not understand why you are not satisfied with this job. I am not a writer, I only dedicate myself to reading the works of others, and believe me I have read many, many fics. and I must tell you that this fic is wonderful.
You cannot imagine how infinitely grateful I am that you allowed us to read it again since you stated that you did not intend to republish it.
This was the first fic I had the opportunity to read here at AFF and although I have read it many times each time I have done it, I end up in a sea of ​​tears because of the emotional roller coaster that Kyu had to go through to win the love of his hyungs and also about living the accident and recovering to achieve success.
thank you very much.
Henry9599 #9
Chapter 151: hello, i was wondering if there was sequel for "kyuhyun its been hard on you" ? I really really love that story. I really hope you can consider about sequel or one shot about suju if you are avialable. Really thank you for your amazing and lovely stories
Fridel2
#10
Chapter 151: I remember being blown away by the concept and the talent you showed. I'll keep an eye out for your AO3 ~