"Hyu - hyung - " I managed, tears in my eyes.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" shouted the manager hyung, shaking me roughly by my shoulders.

"I - I just - " I didn't know what to say. "I was just trying to stay awake," I whispered.

There was a shocked silence as the manager hyung processed my words.

"Get on the wall," he growled. "I'm so tired of this. We're going to sort this out, once and for all." He let go of my shoulders with a push, and I stumbled backwards a few steps. When I had regained my balance, I lowered my head and wiped my teary eyes. As I was doing so, I saw the manager hyung kick over the bucket of water in anger and the water spilling out everywhere on his way to the closet in the living room.

I'd never seen the manager hyung this angry, or at least express his anger as such, and just seeing him this furious scared me.

When I faced the wall and put my hands against it with my head down, the manager hyung lined up the broom to my hips and delivered five blows without even saying anything. I hadn't been beaten in a few months, and it felt totally foreign again, and when the the broom made contact with my hips, I felt a pain that I couldn't remember. I don't know if that was because I wasn't so used to it anymore or if he was hitting me harder than he ever had, but the five blows were enough to make my eyes water and my entire body to start shaking.

"You're going to be of age in three months, and you're still this immature?"

I had no words for this either, and just stood there, staring at the floor.

"I specifically told you to take care of yourself for these promotions," he said, his voice shaking with anger. "Did I, or did I not?"

I hung my head and stayed silent. He told me to take care of myself so much that I had taken his words so lightly, but he certainly had.

"Did I, or did I not?" repeated the manager hyung, raising his voice.

"You did," I whispered.

"You're right. I did, and you're not doing what I told you to because what?"

I bit my lip. Talking back probably wasn't the best idea, but I had to explain myself. "Sir, it's - it's just because of my - my entrance exams, I just - " I started, but then another blow landed on me and I stopped talking with a gasp of pain.

"There is no excuse you can give me that would explain this sufficiently," said the manager hyung, then he delivered five more blows, after which I was keeping myself from crying out in pain with more difficulty than ever. I was gripping the wall so tightly that my fingertips had turned white.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered, large tears falling steadily on the floor.

There was a very short pause, then the manager hyung lined up the broom again and asked, "Have you also been skipping dinners?"

I couldn't say anything and just looked at my feet.

"Ryeowook was telling me you weren't eating dinner," said the manager hyung angrily. "I told him that he just must not have seen."

"I'm so sorry," I said quietly.

"I thought you wanted this."

"I do, hyung, I really do," I whispered.

"Then you clearly weren't the right choice for this sub-unit."

I felt my face flush and my heart stop for a split second, and for what felt like an eternity, I was so shocked and so scared that I couldn't see anything in front of me, or even hear anything. When I finally took a breath, I was on my knees and begging before I knew it. "I'm so sorry. Please."

"Yesung and Ryeowook have not been speaking to anyone except when they absolutely need to in order to keep their voices healthy for the last two weeks," said the manager hyung angrily. "And you - " I hung my head. "Why not start smoking, too?"

"I'm so, so sorry," I repeated endlessly.

"So many people have sacrificed so much for you. People are working day and night to make this work," he said. When I stayed silent, the manager hyung crossed his arms. "If you're not taking care of yourself, tell me why I should be taking care of you. In fact, why should anyone be taking care of you?"

"Hyung, you're my manager," I said tearfully.

"Making sure that you're not acting like an idiot is not my job!" shouted the manager hyung. "Neither is making sure that you're not wasting everyone else's hard work by being so selfish!"

My mouth dropped open. I was so offended - and so hurt.

"How can you say that?" I whispered, tears pouring down my face. "How am I being selfish? I spend 15 hours a day just practicing at the office just to please you and the team, and I'm spending the rest of my day studying to please my parents! I'm not doing this because I like to be cold, hyung, I'm doing this to please everyone else!"

"Then start being selfish and do what you want to do, not what you think other people expect you to do!" shouted the manager hyung.

I lifted my head and glared at him for a second, then I clenched my teeth.

"Fine," I said, then I got to my feet and walked to the front door. I grabbed my jacket from the coatrack and then putting on the first pair of shoes I saw, I opened the door. I let myself out, slammed the door, and rushed out of the building.

I didn't even have a destination. I thought I was just going to wherever my feet would take me, but before I knew it, I found myself going to that deserted spot by the Han River that Leeteuk had taken me to before. The familiar picnic table was still there, but I didn't sit down at it this time. I went closer to the edge of the water this time, and sat down at the grassy banks.

I cried, I laughed, I vented, I shouted, but I couldn't quite get the feeling off my chest.

"God, maybe this road isn't for me," I said out loud, then I laughed. I laughed because I didn't want to cry anymore. I was so tired of crying all the time.

I pulled myself close to the water and I splashed a bit of it with my hand. I saw the water drops rise out of the body of water and fall back in, sparkling in the moonlight.

Then despite what I wanted and how much I hated it, I started crying again.

When I finally stopped crying, I was lying in the grass by the river with one hand in the water and staring up at the sky. God, how much trouble was I going to be in after this?

Was it even worth going back to the dorm?

Probably not, but I guess I would eventually.

Then another thought crossed my head.

Did I just run away from home?

I chuckled a little at the thought. No, I didn't run away from home.

That place that I lived at right now, that place where no one loved me wasn't home.

I ran away from the dorm, maybe, but not from home.

I put one hand over my eyes. I had never felt so homesick before. I hadn't seen my parents in - in much too long. I'd never called them since moving away from home because I didn't want to worry them, but never had I wanted to hear their voice more than today.

I took out my phone and started dialing, but with each push of the button, I thought about how worried my parents would be if I suddenly called them at an odd hour in the morning after months of non-contact.

But I had to hear their voice anyway. I had to.

I finished dialing and put the phone against my ear, the tears coming down my cheeks already.

The phone rang a few times, then I heard my mom's sleepy "Hello?" on the other end.

I didn't say anything and just cried silently. I couldn't make them worry. If this was how I would hear their voices without making them worry, this was what I wanted.

"Hello?" she said again, clearly confused at my non-response, then I heard my dad's warm voice.

"Who is it?"

I bit my lip to keep myself from crying louder. They might know it's me if they hear me cry.

"I don't know, maybe a wrong number," said my mom, then she said again, "Hello?"

I bit my lip. Come on, say it. Just tell them.

But I didn't. I couldn't. I hung up without saying anything, then finally whispered, "I miss you."

But of course, they wouldn't hear it.

They were so close - but also so far away.

"I want to go home," I said out loud, then I started crying again with the homesickness. I was only crying for a few seconds when I heard a footstep by my ear.

I startled and sat up right away. Oh my god, if I were found out by some fan to be doing this, or worse, an anti-fan -

But the voice that spoke was a familiar one.

"Hey."

I looked up. It was the manager hyung standing over me.

"No - what - "

"I'm so sorry. It's hard being away from home for so long, isn't it?"

I glared at him for a second, but then I gave up and looked at the dark river again. There was a silence while he sat down next to me.

"I know. As much as I try to be a good manager, I'm never going to be able to substitute for your parents."

"Don't try to. You're nothing like my parents," I said with contempt, then I bit my lip and started crying again.

"I know," he said, putting his arm around my shoulders. "I make a lot of mistakes. I'm sorry. I know."

I wiped my tears and sighed. God, I hate this.

I threw a pebble into the dark river.

"How did you find me here? I never even come here," I said quietly.

"I followed you here," said the manager hyung.

"You saw me do all - all the crazy - "

The manager hyung smiled woefully and didn't say anything, and I threw a few more pebbles into the river in embarrassment. I was waiting for the words that the manager hyung was going to say inevitably, but he didn't say them. There were a few more minutes of silence, then I couldn't stand all the waiting.

"Please just do it now," I said quietly.

"Do what now?"

"Kick me off the sub-unit. Just do it now so that I can at least focus on my studies."

The manager hyung didn't say anything for a while, then he looked at me. "Why do you think you should be kicked off the team?"

I threw another pebble, this one much with much more emotion than before. "What, I'm supposed to be convincing you to do it?"

He shrugged. "You're the one that suggested it."

"Don't tell me you weren't thinking it," I muttered. However, the manager hyung laughed.

"Kyuhyun, do you know how hard I fought in that board room to have you on that team? If you're going to be kicked off, it won't be my hands doing it."

I sighed with relief and buried my face in my knees.

"But if you get sick, Kyuhyun, it's not just the staff that's in trouble. It's your career, and what you worked for."

I sighed. I understood, but he just didn't understand...

"People just... expect things from me," I said. "The company expects me to be perfect on air. My teacher and my parents expect perfect grades. The hyungs expect me to clean after them. You expect me to take care of myself through all of it, and - " I trailed off, shaking my head. It was suffocating just to voice. "But I'm only one person, you know?"

"I know," he said quietly.

I paused for a long while to hold in the tears, then spoke again when I finally stopped feeling like I'd burst into tears again.

"Everyone just - expects me to be perfect, hyung. They expect perfection, and when I'm not, they get - get so angry with me, but when I am, there's not even a pat on the back because they - they just expect me to be perfect," I said quietly. "But I'm only human. I - I can't be perfect, because - what's perfect for the company isn't what's perfect for my parents, and what's perfect for the team isn't what's perfect for you."

I sighed and watched the small waves on the river for a while in silence. Then a few moments later, the manager hyung spoke.

"How about yourself?" he asked. "What do you want? What do you expect of yourself?"

"I don't know," I said heavily. "To please everyone else, I guess."

"No, what do you want for yourself? If you didn't have to please anyone else, Kyuhyun. What would you do?"

I sighed. I didn't even know anymore what I wanted. Everything seemed to be for people around me. I've stopped doing things for myself a long time ago. "I don't know, hyung." There was a long silence as I thought.

"What do you want most?" he asked again.

I laughed a little as I wiped my eyes. "A break. From everything."

The manager hyung smiled and nodded. "That's understandable. For how long?"

"Maybe a few months."

The manager hyung laughed too. "A few months? Not a few days or a few weeks?"

"Months," I confirmed, then I threw another pebble into the water. "Maybe even years."

"I think you'd be restless if you didn't do anything for that long," he said, the smile still on his face.

"I don't think so," I said.

"A few months at home?"

I contemplated for a few minutes, then sighed. "No, not home."

"Then where?"

"I don't know. But a place with a bed would be nice."

The manager hyung laughed, then wiped the leftover tears that I'd missed off my face with his hand. "I'll see what I can do about the bed. I'm really sorry."

"No worries," I murmured.

There was another silence as I threw more pebbles into the river, then the manager hyung looked at me seriously.

"Kyuhyun, I'm going to give you a day off tomorrow," he said quietly. "You can use the day to go home if you want, or school, or study, or just do nothing. But I'm going to ask you to think hard about whether you've lost passion for this. Because it's only going to get harder from here if you have."

I felt uneasy with the prospect that I might have lost passion for singing, but then nodded. "Okay."

"And Kyuhyun, from now on, no more stunts. And at least five hours of sleep a night, okay? And don't ignore me this time."

I hesitated. "But then, the entrance exams - "

The manager hyung nodded. "You just have to do what you can. And I'll take four hours away from work each day, so you can come back to the dorm at around 9pm and start studying then. But only if you promise to take care of yourself. Can you do that?"

I hesitated. I didn't know. I couldn't remember the last time I did.

"You take fine care of me anyway," I said carefully, then the manager hyung laughed.

"You'd be making it much easier for me if you tried doing a bit of it yourself," he said. "So do it for me. Please."

I nodded. "I'll try," I said genuinely.

"Okay," said the manager hyung. Then I hugged my knees as he put his arms around me again.

"It's getting chilly, isn't it?"

I hadn't noticed that I was shivering, but I was. I nodded, and the manager hyung gave me a warm pat on the arm.

"Are you ready to go back to the dorm?"

I nodded again and got up, wincing a bit with the soreness of the beating. The manager hyung noticed, then gave me a warm hug. "I'm really sorry."

I smiled a little, then I hugged back. "I know. I'm sorry too," I said, then we walked back to the dorm with his arm around my shoulders the whole time.