"I'm - so - tired," I gasped.

"It was a really long trip, though. I'm proud of you for making it," said Seunghwan hyung.

I was completely soaked in my own sweat from head to toe and was sitting on the bench outside my parent's apartment building next to Seunghwan hyung, who was drenched in his own sweat. We'd spent three hours getting home by subway what should really normally have taken us half an hour. The walks to and from the subway station were hard enough, being painfully slow and requiring multiple stops along the way for breaks, but the stairs and the stares were much worse.

Stairs weren't part of my rehab regime, so I was holding on to the railings for dear life as I took each step with Seunghwan hyung clutching my side as tightly as his arm would allow. And obviously, that drew some attention.

Of course, I'd been stared at ever since I debuted, but these weren't the stares that I was used to. They weren't accompanied by excited chatters of fan girls, but with the annoyed grunts of businessmen, who were muttering their incomprehension as to why this young boy had to move so painfully slowly, blocking human traffic through the busy hustle and bustle of the subway station. And that made me uneasy to say the least.

And now we sat there, trying to look more presentable before we walked into my parents' house so that hopefully, they would be less worried about us. While I rested, ripped up a few blades of grass from the ground to shreds while I caught my breaths and dried my sweat, then when I finally had a steady breath, I turned my head to look at Seunghwan hyung.

"Hyung, what if everyone's forgotten about me?" I asked quietly.

Seunghwan hyung frowned. "What do you mean? Why would you say that?"

"I mean, all the other hyungs are on shows and music programs and have been for months, but - but what if everyone forgot about me because they haven't seen me or heard from me for so long?"

Seunghwan hyung looked lost for words for a moment, then he squeezed my hand reassuringly. "Don't worry. Everything will work."

I sighed skeptically, but then nodded. "You're right. I just have to work harder than everyone else after the comeback. And then hopefully, my fans will still remember that I exist."

Seunghwan hyung began nodding in agreement, but then stopped himself. "Kyuhyun. Your health comes first. You're not healthy enough to take on a full schedule by the time of your comeback, let alone work harder than everyone else. Forget it."

I widened my eyes. "But hyung, I did all of those crazy things to get better so that I could participate fully in the next album, and everyone else took pay cuts so that I could. I can't let them down by just saying I don't want to work hard!"

"Kyuhyun, I'm just telling you right now to be prepared to take it easy," he said. "Even I'm not fully back to work yet, and my injuries were small compared to yours."

"I'm not going to take it easy."

"Don't forget what happened when you overworked yourself with the entrance exams. It'll happen again if you push yourself too hard," he said, his stern voice starting to appear. But I remained just as stubborn.

"No, never, hyung."

"'Yes, sir' is something that would be nice to hear from you right now," sighed Seunghwan hyung. "Or, really, all the time."

I smiled a little. "I say it plenty."

"Not enough," he muttered under his breath, then he finally got up from the bench to accompany me upstairs.

I spent the next few days at home, resting and exercising what little I could. For the first time since my debut, I slept on my own bed and ate home-cooked food for every meal. And I soaked in my parents' love, which I hadn't been able to feel while living away from them for the last year.

A week into being at home, I was cuddling on the couch in the living room with my dad right before we headed to bed, watching a rerun of our team perform the SM Town song on the music program. I was admiring how great they all looked when I heard my dad chuckle.

"Kyuhyun, close your mouth, it's hanging open," he said.

I laughed. "I didn't know they were this cool."

"You didn't know - " he repeated, then he began laughing with his head tilted back. I smiled a little in embarrassment as he caringly pushed my hair out of my eyes with his hand.

"You're the coolest one when you're on stage with them," he said.

I looked at him and smiled. "I'm your son, of course I'd be the coolest one in your eyes. No, not even that, I'm supposed to be the coolest one."

He laughed again and had just let me rest my head against his shoulder when the doorbell rang timidly. I frowned and lifted my head when he stood up from the couch.

"I'll get it. Go to bed now, baby son," he said, then he helped me to my feet.

"Okay, dad. Good night," I said, giving him a final hug and shuffling into my room.

I had barely even gotten between my sheets on my bed when the door opened to reveal my dad. I looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to tuck me in, but he didn't leave the doorway.

"Kyuhyun, it's your manager," said my dad. My heart dropped. What?

"I - I told the company that I wasn't going to go back to work until next month," I said. I - I wasn't in trouble, was I?

"I know. I told him that, and he said he just wanted to see you."

I frowned, but then nodded. "Uh - I'll be out there in a few moments, after I've changed out of my - "

I looked down at my pyjama bottoms, but then I shook my head. All of my managers have seen me much worse than this, both at the dorm and at the hospital.

"Never mind, I'm coming," I said, then I got up and walked to the door. Seunghwan hyung was standing at the door awkwardly, and I greeted him with a small bow.

"Hi," I said, perplexed.

"Hey," he said. He hesitated for a little bit when my dad spoke.

"Please come inside. I'll just prepare some tea and the two of you can talk in the living room."

"No," said Seunghwan hyung quickly. "I mean, no thank you. I just wanted a talk with Kyuhyun, and maybe - I thought maybe I could take him out for a little while."

I turned my head to look at my dad, who nodded. "Well, I think you know him as much as I do, so as long as Kyuhyun's okay with it, that's fine."

Seunghwan hyung bowed to him in appreciation while my dad left the doorway to leave the two of us alone. When he did, I smiled and turned to Seunghwan hyung. "What's wrong?"

"Kyuhyun, I just thought - maybe we could talk about... I know it's going to be hard, but - about the van."

I froze.

All I could think when I thought about the van was the accident, and god, I can't -

"No, I really - really don't want to talk about the van."

Seunghwan hyung bit his lip, then nodded. "Okay. Then can you meet me downstairs? I'll be sitting at the bench out front."

I hesitated, then I nodded. "Okay," I said carefully, then I returned to my bedroom, where my dad was waiting anxiously.

"What did he want?" he asked.

I forced a smile. "Nothing. He just wants to... to make sure I'm doing okay."

"He's not asking you to return to work earlier, is he?" he asked worriedly.

I shook my head. "No. I wish he'd let me, but - "

"Kyuhyun, there are more important things than work right now," he said. "And don't you like spending time at home with your family for a change?"

I grinned as I put on a pair of jeans carefully, while being seated on the bed. "Yeah, of course. I just want to be healthy enough to be able to work again, dad."

I got up from the bed with a grunt and with my dad's support, walked to the door.

"Don't try to take the stairs," warned my dad as he opened the front door for me. I suppressed another smile.

"Dad, I'm not that stupid," I said, then I waved to him and took the elevators downstairs.

When I walked out of the building into the warm summer night, I saw Seunghwan hyung sitting on the bench nervously, waiting for me. When he heard my footsteps though, he stood hurriedly to help me sit down on the bench, and then he slung his arms around me and felt my shoulders.

"Still tiny. Are you eating well?" he asked.

I nodded and smiled. "Better than I'd eaten for the last year."

"That's good."

We sat there in uncomfortable silence for a moment.

"Are you having a relaxing time at home?" he asked finally.

I almost snorted.

"Yeah," I said awkwardly. I twiddled my thumbs.

"So... I know you said you don't want to talk about - "

"There are so many stars tonight, it's so beautiful. It's so hard to see stars in the city, tonight must be a special - "

"Kyuhyun."

I sighed and looked up pleadingly at Seunghwan hyung.

"I just... really don't want to do this."

"I don't really want to do this either," he said. "I'm just concerned because when you do return, I don't want something like this getting in the way of your comeback. Because - although I wish I didn't have to make it this way - we'll be using the van most of the time for transportation."

I bit my lip and sighed. And then I looked at him. "So what are you saying?"

"Let's just - get you used to being near the van again? Just - "

He got up from the bench and waited until I got up, and I followed reluctantly. He walked with his arm around my shoulders until we reached the van. It wasn't black this time, though; it was silver.

"I thought maybe this van might be - you know. A - a bit better. I thought I could take you to the dorm for a visit. Everyone's there right now, and you could surprise them."

I bit my lip and closed my eyes. I missed the team so much, and I wanted to see them more than ever.

I can do this. I've been in this thing countless times before.

But as soon as I heard the door opening the same flashes of the accident, being at death's doorstep -

"W - wait, I can't do it," I whimpered, feeling tears in my eyes again. "I don't - don't want to go in this thing, I - I can't."

"Okay," said Seunghwan hyung, squeezing my shoulder. "Okay. That's okay. We're not going to drive in it. Let's just sit in it. Just sit in it and talk about something else. We don't even have to start the van."

I sighed and wiped my tears away.

"Can't I just take the subway to and from schedules?" I pleaded.

"You know we can't," he said gently. "I won't say I know how you feel, but it took me a while to be able to get back into the van, too. But once you start feeling comfortable - I promise, it won't be so bad. Just - you can do it. We won't even start the car. You'll be safe, I promise. I promise."

"I - I know I'll be safe, it's just - I - I can smell the blood when I get too close," I whispered.

"So sit here," he said, opening up the door of the passenger seat. "This seat is okay, right?"

I hesitated. Will it be?

"This is the seat you sat in when you used to on those drives with me," he said. "To and back from school, you know. We have a lot of memories together here, don't we?"

A laugh escaped me despite myself.

"Good memories, no?" he asked.

"Yes, with you," I admitted. "Most of the time, the car wasn't moving when we were having those talks. Because our conversations would be longer than the drive."

Seunghwan hyung laughed too, and put an encouraging hand on my back. And even though he didn't say the words, I understood.

You can do it.

Please do it.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Don't think about it. Think about the good memories, forget the bad ones. You have a year of good memories in this van. So forget that one terrible moment. And focus on the good.

I finally clenched my teeth and climbed on the van, quickly so that I would have no time to change my mind. And within seconds, I was sitting in the passenger seat of the van with my eyes tightly closed, all of me focused on just trying to push the terrible thoughts out of my head.

When I heard the door close, though, everything flooded back and I started shaking again with tears escaping through my tightly-shut eyes when I felt Seunghwan hyung's caring hand on my head.

"It's okay. Everything's okay," he whispered. "Everything's okay."

I took some more deep breaths to calm myself down, and a few minutes later, I stopped shaking.

I'm okay. I'm in this van and I'm okay. I'll be okay.

Seunghwan hyung continued to my head gently as I repeated to to myself over and over.

"You're the bravest person I know," he said, my head gently.

I smiled a little bit through my tears and nodded. I really am.

"Do you feel like going for a drive?" he asked softly. "Just around the block. We won't go on the highway."

I thought for a moment, then I shook my head.

I had already accomplished so much today. I didn't want to push myself too far.

"No," I said quietly. Then I met his eyes. "Maybe next time."

He stared at me for a moment, clearly disappointed, but then smiled. "Okay. Next time."

Seunghwan hyung came to my house every day and talked with me in his van. Every day, we got a little bit closer to me being able to go on the road with the van again, and every day, I learned how to push the thought of the accident out of my head. And another month later, I felt reasonably comfortable riding the van, even on the highway.

My health also improved dramatically in that month, and when Ryeowook started texting me every hour to tell me how much he missed me and to ask when I was going to move back into the dorm, I finally planned a surprise move-in.

I was finally standing in front of the door at night, late enough that I was sure that they should be there, ready to surprise everyone with my presence. I was much to excited over this to even realize how important this moment was - or should have been, anyway.

I covered the peeping hole with my hand, biting my lip to keep myself from laughing out loud at my own prank.

This should be good.

And then I cleared my throat.

"Oppa!" I yelled in the girliest, highest voice I could muster. "Oppa! Super Junior Oppa!"

I put my ear against the door, ready to hear the manager hyung's deep sighs as he approached the door or the members scrambling to their rooms to hide from the crazy fan girl, but I heard nothing. Deciding that they hadn't heard my knocks the first time, I knocked and yelled again, only louder this time.

"Oppa! Open up! I came all the way from Mokpo to see you! Oppa!"

I listened again to hear nothing. I then started pounding as hard as I could on the door.

"OPPA!" I screamed on the top of my lungs, then I heard a door open. I stepped away from the front door in surprise, only to realize that it wasn't the door to the dorm that opened. I turned around to see a slippered foot step out of the suite next to ours. I heard the voice even before I saw his face.

"YOUR DAMN OPPAS OBVIOUSLY DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU HERE DISTURBING THE NEIGHBOURHOOD'S PEACE AND - "

He stopped when he saw me and his mouth dropped open.

I quickly pressed my index finger against my lips and whispered a small "Shh" before bowing with my hand still over the peeping hole.

"Hi, sir, it's so good to see you again," I whispered, a wide smile on my face. It really was; I'd even missed his yelling and his complaints.

He stared at me for a little while, then for the first time ever, a smile slowly spread across his face.

"You're back," he whispered back, although he was clearly still unsure as to why exactly he was whispering. "I was so worried about you, son. How are you doing?"

I nodded, surprised and touched. "Yeah, I'm better, and I'm - I'm back. I'm so sorry I was disturbing your sleep, I didn't mean to."

But he shook his head. "Don't worry, son. Welcome back. Good to hear that you're doing well."

"Thank you," I said with another bow. He patted my shoulder.

"Now stay healthy," he said.

I nodded bashfully. "I'll try."

"And you're welcome in my home any time for supper."

I smiled. Who ever would have thought that any member of Super Junior would be welcome in his home for a meal?

"Yes, sir. Thank you."

"You're welcome. Good night," he whispered, then after acknowledging my last bow with another warm pat on my shoulder, he stepped back into his apartment building. I just shuffled my feet with my hand over the door awkwardly for a minute before clearing my throat.

"Okay, okay, I'm kidding, it's me, Kyuhyun, open up!" I yelled. "Hyung! It's me!"

I waited for another few seconds to be met by silence once more. Frowning, I reached into my pocket for my keys. I unlocked the door myself and pulled open the door quietly.

"Hello?"

Silence.

"Hello?" I said, a bit louder. "Hello? Anyone home?"

I ran my hand against the wall and smiled. It felt like home again. I looked around and took a deep breath, taking in the smell of the dorm and the dreams. Then hesitating, took my shoes off and stepped inside. They were probably all sleeping through it. I knew how tired they were after a neverending day of schedules, and who knew how little sleep they were getting now with the album preparations? Maybe I should have called after all. I sighed and opened the door to the room that Donghae and Sungmin shared.

"Hyung! Hyung, I'm home! Hyung, wake - " I frowned and stopped as I realized that both of their beds were empty. Weren't they home?

I scratched my head a little, then made my way to the room that Kangin, Yesung, Shindong and Eunhyuk shared.

"Okay," I said loudly to the void. "I know you're all hiding to surprise me. You can come out now. You were one step ahead of me after all."

I waited, really half-expecting for everyone to pop out of closets and behind furniture, yelling "Surprise!", but everything stayed silent.

I guessed they really weren't home.

Slightly discouraged and hurt, I walked to my room slowly and flicked on the lights. Three empty beds greeted me. So they weren't home after all. I walked closer to my bed, which hadn't been slept in for three months - or - or was it?

I frowned.

The bed had been - not just turned down, but not even made. The blankets were kicked off and there were clothes, none of which were mine, strewn all over it. And then I realized that someone must have been sleeping in my bed while I was gone. I almost rolled my eyes. It was almost definitely Heechul hyung. He has no repect for my things, and he probably took the first opportunity he had to move into my bed, that jerk of a hyung. He was the one that asked to leave this dorm, and just a few months later, he can't wait to come back.

I sighed and looked at the things on my bed more closely when I saw something perplexing.

It looked like piano music.

I picked it up with a frown. Since when did Heechul hyung play the piano? I looked over at Ryeowook's bed, wondering whether his things had just blown over to my bed, but that would be so unlike Ryeowook; he always kept his things neatly organized under his bed in order to conserve space. I picked up a few pieces of clothing from my bed to observe them more closely, but then realized that I couldn't ever see Heechul hyung - or anyone else on the team for that matter - wearing them. Who wore trainer hoodies on the team? Ryeowook? Is all this stuff Ryeowook's?

I looked uncertainly over at Ryeowook's bed, which was so neatly made. No, that made no sense. I sighed. I guessed I'd find out sooner or later, when they finally got here.

I spent the next hour or so inspecting the dorm alone, looking at what might have changed. It looked like they had gotten a new fridge and the dorm was messier and dirtier than I'd ever let it get while I was here, but it was more or less what I remembered.

After I finished, it was 4am, and already, I could feel my rhythm and sleep cycle breaking. This damn dorm does this to me. I sighed and went to my bed and lied down. I guessed that I'd just sleep if they weren't going to be here anyway.

I navigated through everything that was on my bed and got in it. I smiled a little. I'd missed this little bed. I had just closed my eyes and had begun drifting off to sleep when I finally heard the front door open with accompanied with tired chatter.

I shot up on my bed, suddenly no longer feeling tired.

They were here.

I was still sitting, caught up in trying to decide whether to hide or to rush out to greet them, when the door to my room opened, revealing a tired Ryeowook and Leeteuk, then -

"KYUHYUN!"

"Hi," I said somewhat shyly, getting up from the bed, and finally, there were footsteps coming towards me everywhere.

"HYUNG! EVERYONE! HE'S BACK! KYUHYUN'S BACK!" shouted Ryeowook as if he were seeing a ghost. I laughed as everyone rushed into our room like a flood to embraced everyone in a hug.

"Oh my god, Kyuhyun, I can't believe this," said Donghae, my cheek, then soon, I felt the now-familiar feeling of Yesung's finger on my lip.

"Welcome back, we all missed you so much."

That's why you gave my bed away to Heechul hyung, I'm sure.

"Are you back to stay? Are you?" shouted Ryeowook. I nodded.

"Yeah, if Heechul hyung would just move out of my bed, I'm here to stay," I said with a wide grin, but as soon as I said the words, I saw everyone's faces fall. Sensing the sudden change in atmosphere, I frowned.

"What - what's wrong?" I asked, suddenly nervous. Did I offend them?

"Kyuhyun."

Leeteuk came to me and took me by my shoulders.

"Kyuhyun, Heechul's not the one in your bed," he said carefully.

What? "Then who is it?" I asked, confused.

"It's - " He hesitated. "Kyuhyun, it's - it's someone new to the team."

It was like it took me a thousand years to understand what he'd said. Someone new?

In place of me?

I just sat there, motionless, for a good minute when I finally saw the foreign face on the outskirts.

"Hey, come here," said Leeteuk, motioning him towards us as if he were deaf. The young boy - at least it seemed - shuffled closer to us uncertainly until he was an arm's distance away from me.

Then Leeteuk smiled apologetically into my face, which was frozen with shock.

"Kyuhyun, meet Henry."