Chp 126

Kyuhyun... It's been hard on you.

I felt his hand on the back of my head a few moments later, patting me lightly. I finally lifted my head up from his shoulders and he let go. He then put his hands on my shoulders as I stared down at my feet with my elbows in my hands.

"Why are you crying?" he asked softly.

"I'm not," I said, quickly wiping away the tears on my face.

"My shirt tells me otherwise," he said. I looked up to his shoulder to see that the shoulder of his blue shirt had been stained closer to black with my tears.

"I don't know what could have done that," I said with a small smile and a sniffle, and Seunghwan hyung chuckled and put his hand on my cheek to wipe the tears away with his own fingers. As I turned my head away, not wanting him to make a big deal that I'd cried, he put his hand on my cheek.

"Is it because it's so hard back at the dorm, with the team?" he asked softly. I shook my head.

"No, that's not it at all," I clarified quickly.

"But what happened to your lip?" he asked, looking more concerned than I'd ever seen him. "Did you get it looked at in a hospital?"

I shook my head, and Seunghwan hyung ran a finger close to the cut. I winced a little, and he sighed.

"You're not even taking care of it."

I opened my mouth to tell him he was wrong, that I had been being careful with it, but then he took me by the arm and led me out of the hallway.

I followed, confused, but soon, we had climbed down a flight of stairs and he had me sit down on top of the table in the small first aid part of the building. As I sat there, he started wetting a cotton swab with what looked like disinfectant. He then held it close to my lip, and I frowned and drew my head away and grabbed his wrist, keeping the swab from touching me.

"No, it's an old cut, I don't need - it's okay, it's not your job to take care of me like this," I said without thinking.

And then I realized what I said.

Seunghwan hyung froze with the swab still held close to my lip, and a look of such deep hurt crossed his face that my face flushed.

"God, hyung, that's not what I meant," I said quickly. "Hyung, I'm sorry. I meant - I just mean, no one should have to take care of me like this, except maybe my parents. I mean - you're not - "

I stopped talking and took my hand away from his wrist as I saw him look down at his feet.

"Kyuhyun, I should have been the one to apologize," he whispered. "I can't express how sorry I am. It really wasn't because I didn't care about you."

"No, that's not what I meant," I said, getting down from the table and standing in front of him. "It's okay. It really is."

He bit his lip and looked away as I sighed. Then a few moments of silence later, I looked up expectantly.

"Hyung?"

Seunghwan hyung just sighed and nodded without looking at me.

"I'm ready for the cotton swab now," I said, sitting back up on the table, but he shook his head.

"No, you're right. I'm just - being overprotective again when I don't need to be," he said, then he threw the cotton swab that he had in the garbage with another sigh.

I just chewed on my lip and watched him for a minute. I hadn't noticed until then, but he seemed to have lost a lot of weight since I last saw him; he was visibly thinner. His cheeks were sunken in and his wrist had become so thin that I could see the outline of his every bone.

And I felt my heart shatter.

How was he going to take good care of someone else when he can't even take care of himself?

I hopped off the table again, and I took him by both of his hands.

"Hyung, do you have time to go out for lunch?" I asked, squeezing his hands tightly. "Anything. We can go anywhere you want."

Seunghwan hyung hesitated, but soon smiled and nodded. "Okay. Just - just for a few minutes," he said, then he grabbed his bag from the floor. I beamed, then grabbed my own bag from beside me.

We were out on the streets soon. Although I was pretending to look for a restaurant that I might want to eat at, I knew where I wanted to take him. It was reputed to be the best Korean beef barbecue in the city. I'd always wanted to come here, but I hadn't been able to. The biggest reason was the cost; Korean beef was easily the most expensive kind of food on this street. But I really wanted Seunghwan hyung to eat the best that I could give him today. That was the least I could do.

"Do you want hot noodles?" asked Seunghwan hyung as we passed by a Japanese food restaurant. I shook my head and continued walking, ignoring Seunghwan hyung's hesitation, until we had reached the restaurant. I could already smell the beef from the outside, and beside me, I saw Seunghwan hyung swallow. I looked at him and smiled, assured that his mouth was watering just from the smell.

"Hyung, let's eat here," I said assertively. Seunghwan hyung froze, and I saw worry crossing his face. He hesitated for a long time, and I waited until he finally spoke.

"Kyuhyun, you shouldn't be eating red meat," he said uncertainly.

I looked up at him. "But I'm off promotions. It's just - just this once. Please. I'll pay for this meal," I pleaded. Seunghwan hyung shook his head.

"They were saying you guys are supposed to start preparing for the second album next month. I can't let you - "

"So I won't be able to eat barely anything starting next week. I have to splurge sometime," I said, then I grabbed him by his arm and pulled him into the restaurant.

Soon, we were sitting in a private booth with the beef grilling on the barbecue and snacking on the side dishes. But somehow, we weren't talking to each other; I just didn't know what to say to him. We'd come out for lunch, but I didn't even know what I wanted to talk about.

So we sat silently and simply waited for the meat to cook. And when it finally did, he took some of it off the grill, plated it and handed it to me. I took it and started eating appreciatively. God, it had been a while since I'd had real meat like this. Although I knew this would cost me a fortune, I just told myself that it would be worth it as long as Seunghwan hyung and I enjoyed it. I was paying attention to nothing but eating when Seunghwan hyung finally spoke to me.

"Is it good?" he asked.

I nodded, barely looking up from my plate, and he smiled and picked up another piece of vegetable to eat.

I continued enjoying the meal, but soon, I noticed that Seunghwan hyung was barely eating. I observed for a few more minutes and realized that he didn't eat a single piece of meat in all that time, and continued eating minute amounts of the vegetables on the table.

"Hyung, please, eat," I said, pained.

"I'm eating," he said, hastily picking up a piece of meat and putting it in his mouth. But after, he'd stopped eating again.

"You don't like it?" I asked.

"Don't worry about me and go ahead. This might be the last time you eat meat for the next few months."

I looked up at him, exasperated. "Hyung, we came out to lunch so that we could both eat," I said, then I took his empty plate from in front of him and put everything left on the grill on his plate. I was about to hand it to Seunghwan hyung when he shook his head.

"Okay. I'm sorry. I'll start eating," he said, but he dropped most of it back on the grill. And after he finished the few pieces of food left on his plate hungrily, he looked up at me.

"Wait, Kyuhyun, I'll - I'll be right back," he said quietly.

I frowned. "Where are you going?"

He shook his head. "Just - just - " he stopped, then he looked at me again. "Just the bathroom. I'll be back in a few minutes. Really. Just stay here and continue eating."

I nodded, and Seunghwan hyung smiled and got up from the table.

I watched as he opened the curtains to the booth and stepped outside. He closed the curtains again as I turned my attention back to the grill. I just looked at the food; I really wasn't hungry anymore. I didn't know what was troubling Seunghwan hyung so much, and I wasn't sure how I was supposed to enjoy this meal when he was being like this. I pulled back the curtain a little to watch his figure walk away to the counter, presumably to ask for directions to the bathroom. However, the next time he spoke, he nodded and dug into his pockets.

This was when I finally realized: he had left the table to pay for the food.

In panic, I quickly zipped open my bag sitting next to me and pulled out my wallet. And without even paying attention to the stares that I got, I pushed through between the chairs until I reached the counter, where Seunghwan hyung was opening up his wallet.

"Hyung!" I shouted. "Don't!"

I saw Seunghwan hyung's head snap up towards me, and he looked more flustered than I'd ever seen him. "Kyuhyun," he said quietly, using the warning tone of his voice that I hadn't heard from him in so long. I ignored it though.

"No, stop it," I said through clenched teeth, roughly pushing him away from the counter. "I'm paying for this."

I fumbled with my wallet, trying to get the money out of it, but then Seunghwan hyung grabbed my arm tightly. I stumbled as he pulled me away from the counter. I looked up at him, angry, but he was giving his full attention to the cashier at the counter. "I'm so sorry," he said with a smile, then he opened up his wallet and pulled out a bill. But as he handed over the bill, I saw his hand flutter a little.

"Hyung, you - " I said, but Seunghwan hyung turned his head slightly to face me with a frown.

"Don't make a scene. You've hardly matured since I last saw you," he whispered angrily. I saw the cashier take the bill from Seunghwan hyung's hand and I opened my mouth to protest again when Seunghwan hyung glared at me again. "Don't make a scene," he repeated quietly, but with anger in his voice. "Mind your image. Go back to the booth."

I stared up at him angrily for a while as he took the change from the girl at the counter, and I still hadn't moved when he turned to return to the booth. Then when he got close enough to me, he put his hand on my shoulder and turned me around towards the booth so fast that I jerked forward a bit before finding the pace that was being asked of me by his hand on my back.

He opened the curtains and ushered me inside as I sat back down beside my bag with a sigh.

I crossed my arms and didn't touch any more food, but Seunghwan hyung had finally begun to eat ravenously.

At least he was eating now - but only after having paid for it with his own money. I sighed and just watched him. He continued eating as if I wasn't there, and I let him. And when he finally put his chopsticks down, I got up from the table without another word. Seunghwan hyung stood up too, and we walked back to the office in silence.

As we reached the entrance, Seunghwan hyung turned around to face me. "Let's see your schedule for the day," he said, holding out his hand. I shook my head.

"I don't have any," I muttered.

He raised his eyebrows. "So why are you here?"

"Because I wanted to see you," I said, stating the obvious.

He sighed. "I'll drive you back to the dorm."

"No, I'm going to wait here until Jinsoo hyung gets back, he - "

"Stop being so stubborn. It's a five-minute drive," he said. I sighed.

At the same time that I was angry at him, I still wanted to spend another five minutes with him. And being alone with him in his van was something I missed so much. And in that, I pretended to give in and nodded. "Okay."

Seunghwan hyung gave me a faint smile and a pat on my shoulder as we both started walking towards his van.

I sat down in the passenger seat while Seunghwan hyung got into the driver's seat. We stayed silent for the entire drive until we reached the dorm. He parked the car, but he turned off the ignition. And before I could open the door, he spoke.

"Kyuhyun, I really tried not to upset you today," he said quietly. "Back at the restaurant, I just - "

"Hyung, that wasn't what I wanted," I said, cutting him off. Whether or not he meant to, I was more upset than I'd been in a long time.

Seunghwan hyung ran a frustrated hand through his hair, gripping the steering wheel that he wasn't even using so hard that his knuckles were white.

"Kyuhyun, I can't make you pay for a meal, that's not how things work," he said with a sigh. "I'm older. It's my responsibility."

And hearing this, I exploded.

"Not when you're in so much financial trouble that you live in the dump that you do, not when you can't even pay for rent at that terrible place!" I shouted before I could stop myself.

There was a silence, then he looked up at me.

"I don't live in a dump," he said quietly. "And I'm doing fine with my rent. It's not your place to comment on things like that."

I ignored him. "I know you're not even eating right, it's unhealthy! I can tell you're starving yourself, I don't know what - "

"Kyuhyun," he said. I stopped talking and looked at him. "Thanks for the concern. But I don't need you to worry about me. What I want most is for you to take care of yourself, not me."

I shook my head. "I'll get the money you spent at the restaurant today back to you via Jinsoo hyung," I said, then I got out of the van and slammed the door shut before bowing to him slightly through the closed window of the van.

 

 

I had barely even stepped inside the dorm when Heechul was all over me already. He had returned from Super Junior T practice early because of his leg, he was the only person at the dorm.

"Why isn't the bathroom clean?" he demanded as soon as I closed the front door behind me. I didn't say anything, and Heechul crossed his arms. "I'm going to go to step out of the dorm for the next little while. If the bathroom isn't clean by the time I get back..." He didn't finish the threat, but I understood.

"Yes, sunbaenim," I whispered, my eyes on the floor. Heechul gave me another look of hatred before sighing with frustration and pushed past me to the door.

As soon as he left the dorm, I sighed with relief that I didn't get into more trouble and walked into my room.

I lied down in my bed and stared at the ceiling, trying to calculate how much Seunghwan hyung must have spent that day, and realizing that it must have been nearly half of his monthly rent. I sighed. I couldn't believe I made him spend so much money, I couldn't believe I'd seen him for the first time in months, and we ended up arguing again. Feeling guiltier than ever, I wrapped myself tightly with my blanket and closed my eyes.

I didn't fall asleep. I know I didn't. I had way too many thoughts in my head to fall asleep. But within a few short minutes, I heard the front door open again. I frowned. Was Heechul back already? And seconds later, I heard my name being called by the voice that confirmed my fears.

When I stepped into the living room, Heechul had on his frown with his arms crossed.

"I specifically told you to have the bathroom cleaned before I got back," said Heechul. "I warned you."

I looked at my feet. "I didn't think you'd be back so soon," I said quietly.

"If I tell you to do it, you do it right away, you don't wait around until the last minute to do something!" he shouted.

I hung my head. I was having such a terrible day that I didn't even want to argue with him. I'll just stand here and listen to his lecture if that's what I needed to do. I just stood there with my hands behind my back and head down, but I'd soon stopped paying attention to what he was saying. I was much too troubled. I was wrapped up in my own thoughts and I was only jerked back when I heard my name. I looked up quickly to see Heechul seething at me.

"Are you even listening?" he asked, an incredulous snarl on his face.

I froze, unsure of what to say. "Y - yes, of - of course," I lied.

And I saw sparks fly out of Heechul's eyes. "So repeat back to me what I just said to you," he challenged. When I remained silent, wringing my hands, he glared at me. "You little liar," he whispered. My face flushed with fear. "I don't know what you did to get everyone else to see past your rudeness, but I won't stand for it."

I just stayed rooted to place as he opened the closet door to retrieve the broom, then ordered me to get on the wall. I put my hands on the wall with my arms straight, but I was so reluctant for a beating that I was barely even leaning against the wall. Heechul quickly noticed, and I jumped as the end of the broom hit a spot beside me on the wall.

"Do it properly, or I'm going to break a bone," he said. I sighed and stepped back a little. And as soon as I did, Heechul started swinging.

It was only when he started hitting me that I realized that this was, ironically, the first time that he'd ever beat me; he'd threatened me a lot of times and he'd slapped me a few more times, but he'd never really beaten me before. I knew because I never felt this way before. It didn't hurt as much as when Seunghwan hyung or even Eunhyuk hit me, but it was something else. It just felt different. Maybe there was something different about the way he was hitting me, with all his strength and his teeth clenched, or maybe it was because I was being beaten for something so small. But instead of feeling regret from what I'd done wrong, I just felt resentment piling up on top of me, higher and higher.

Then when I counted ten hits, I did something I'd never done before. In the midst of the hits falling on me, I pushed myself off against the wall and took a step back.

For the first time, I refused to be hit anymore.

As I stepped away, Heechul stared at me with flames in his eyes.

"Cho Kyuhyun, what do you think you're doing?" asked Heechul angrily.

"Stop it," I said, tears on the verge of falling. "I've been beaten a lot. I'm already in enough pain. I don't think I can take any more. So please stop it."

"Who are you to tell me what to do?" snarled Heechul.

"I'm a person too," I whispered. "I'm a human being, just like you, and I have feelings, just like you. So I know what pain is. I know what sorrow is. I know you don't want me on this team. I know you'll never be a hyung to me. And - " I felt a lump come up in my throat. "And I know you hate me."

I left a pause to let my words sink in, to both myself and Heechul before continuing.

"I know you hate me," I repeated quietly.

I looked up and into Heechul's eyes, and the tears that I had held back fell. "But I'm - I'm here now, and that's not going to change. So maybe we could try to at least tolerate each other."

"Or you could just go and die, that would solve our problems nicely," said Heechul in disgust. He then threw the broom across the room as I stood there, frozen with shock. Did - did he just tell me to die?

I stood still, trying to process his words for at least a few minutes before they registered, and by then, Heechul had already stomped into his room.

And then feeling more hated than I ever had, I sat down where I was and started sobbing into my knees.

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Comments

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secretanimelover #1
I might actually cry. This fic has always been so special to me and I used to come back and read my fave chapters regularly. I am so grateful that you are letting us all have access to it again. Thank you so much!
ferris_wheel
#2
Chapter 151: Thank you, i always go back to this whenever i need something to read. So thank you
mykyunie #3
Chapter 150: Love it very much
kyunniebiased4life
#4
I AM SO HAPPY TO SEE THIS UP AGAIN! I had to get a web archive from this to be able to read it. Thank you so much for allowing us to revisit this amazing story of our beloved maknae. Its a little bittersweet reading about Jonghyun, but I still love this so much.
bananajun
#5
hey, thank you so much for bringing this back.
mikaella_suju #6
Wahh I didn't know you republished this again. I literally searched the whole web just so I can re read
this again. I remembered messaging someone on Twitter asking for the link for this on wayback machine (webarchive.org). I really love this, its been years since I've read this but I still remember how good this was. Thank you for writing such an amazing fic!❤
Maymayz #7
Chapter 150: Oh my god you opened it again!!!!! I'm tearing up😭😭😭
Thank you so much for your hard work💙💙
mykyunie #8
Chapter 151: I do not understand why you are not satisfied with this job. I am not a writer, I only dedicate myself to reading the works of others, and believe me I have read many, many fics. and I must tell you that this fic is wonderful.
You cannot imagine how infinitely grateful I am that you allowed us to read it again since you stated that you did not intend to republish it.
This was the first fic I had the opportunity to read here at AFF and although I have read it many times each time I have done it, I end up in a sea of ​​tears because of the emotional roller coaster that Kyu had to go through to win the love of his hyungs and also about living the accident and recovering to achieve success.
thank you very much.
Henry9599 #9
Chapter 151: hello, i was wondering if there was sequel for "kyuhyun its been hard on you" ? I really really love that story. I really hope you can consider about sequel or one shot about suju if you are avialable. Really thank you for your amazing and lovely stories
Fridel2
#10
Chapter 151: I remember being blown away by the concept and the talent you showed. I'll keep an eye out for your AO3 ~