"Can you walk on your own? Or do you need me to carry you?" asked Seunghwan hyung.

"I'm fine," I said bravely, and then I sat up and swung my legs around so that they were dangling over the side of the bed. "I think I can do it."

"Okay," he said, holding out his arm for me to hold on to. I was about to shake my head to refuse the support - since I knew he was still hurting too, from the accident - but then decided to take it. I'd put myself in this situation because I thought I was stronger than I really was; I wasn't about to risk it again.

I realized that it was a good decision as soon as I stood up. I suddenly felt lightheaded and dizzy, and I only kept myself from falling over by holding on tightly to Seunghwan hyung's arm, and him hurriedly taking hold of my side.

"Are you sure he's okay, doctor?" asked Seunghwan hyung nervously.

"Yes, he's going to be okay," said the intern. "Please just make sure he gets plenty of rest tomorrow, and just gradually, very gradually allow him to exercise. And please don't let him - "

"It wasn't because I didn't know, doctor," I said to the intern with a sigh. "I just... overestimated."

He chuckled a bit before patting my shoulder. "I know. Now if you'd just promise to act like an adult now and take care of yourself for once, you'd make me very happy."

"Yes, doctor," I said with a nod. Then I sighed. "I guess I'll stick to singing." At least that, I should be able to do... right?

I shuddered a bit as the uncertainty flashed by.

"Sounds good, Kyuhyun," he said. "But don't practice too hard, because if you lose your voice you won't be able to sing at all. Then - "

"I know, doctor," I said, taking his words to heart.

"Don't take my words lightly. Please," he pleaded.

I smiled faintly and nodded. "I promise."

"Good," said the intern, smiling back. "Good luck."

"Thank you," I said, then with a small bow of thanks and a wave, I left the hospital room with Seunghwan hyung's arm wrapped around my waist.

The vocal teacher bit his lip as my voice cracked at the top of the scale. I stopped the exercise abruptly and buried my face in my hands in embarrassment.

Oh god... Oh god, oh god, oh god.

At this rate, I won't even be able to sing the five seconds of my part, let alone record every song in the album. My range had gotten so much smaller compared to what it was before the accident, my voice now had this scratchy texture now that I couldn't stand, my breaths were barely large enough for me to even complete this exercise...

This was a disaster.

"I need a break," said the teacher, obviously disappointed. He got up from the stool and left the room, leaving me to stand in the middle of the practice room, just as dismayed and frustrated. I hated that I couldn't do something that had always come so naturally to me, that I knew I could never do this again, that my body just would not allow me to do what defined my life anymore...

I sighed and walked to a wall. I sat down against it and tried to calm myself down. I should be able to do this. I could do it before. I took some deep breaths, then I tried to reach the note that I'd just missed again, to get it however I could. I didn't care if the support came from my throat, my neck, my nose - I didn't care if I had to scream it, to shout it, I didn't care, I just wanted to get that damn note -

My voice cracked once more as tried again, my throat felt sore now, and I knew that I had to stop, otherwise I could hurt myself...

I sighed and grabbed the water bottle next to me to soothe my throat when I heard someone enter the room again.

Assuming that the vocal coach was back, I kept my gaze on the floor, unable to meet his eyes. His shadow fell on me, and I spoke.

"I don't think I should continue today, sir," I said quietly. "I just... I'm afraid I'll blow my voice out."

The teacher didn't respond, succeeding in making me feel even worse. "But if you want me to continue, I will," I said, holding back tears now. There was more silence, and the tears that I'd been trying to hold back welled up and began to fall. I didn't raise my head for a long time, and the coach stayed quiet also. Then the figure knelt in front of me, and I felt a comforting pair of hands on my cheeks, wiping my tears away.

"Now how are you going to sing if you cry?"

I finally looked up, shocked at the soft voice. And when I did, I realized that it hadn't been the vocal coach that had been standing in front of me the whole time, but Heechul. Heechul smiled a bit, then he opened his arms and embraced me tightly against himself.

And the fact that someone was here, the fact that someone was going to care if I cried, and that someone really, really understood my pain -

I don't think I'd ever cried quite so hard. I just buried my face in Heechul's chest and cried as hard as I could into his shirt. How, how was I supposed to do this...? How? And the entire time, Heechul just patiently held me in his arms, saying nothing. But the silent support almost meant more than the soothing words that would be whispered by anyone else. They stayed like that until I was finally calm and my breaths were even again. Heechul ran his hand through my fingers, then spoke comfortingly.

"Now when you want to cry, come to me, okay?" said Heechul, then he gave my shoulders a squeeze. "Because you look stupid when you cry like that, dripping tears from your face without making sounds. You're a man, so cry it out like a man, too."

I hung my head, but Heechul gently tilted my chin up so that I was looking into his eyes.

"What's wrong?" he asked tenderly when I hung my head.

When I bit my lip, trying to figure out which words to use so that I wouldn't start crying for a long while, Heechul spoke again.

"Cry again if you have to," he said. "That's okay."

I shook my head. "I don't have to," I whispered.

"Good," he said, shifting a little so that I was settled more comfortably in his embrace. "Then tell me what's wrong. I can't help if you don't tell me what's wrong."

I sniffled and wiped my tears on the shoulder of Heechul's shirt. He gave me a minute of silence so that I could gather up the courage to speak. "It's silly," I whispered.

"It's not silly if it's making you this upset," said Heechul quietly.

I hugged my knees close to my chest. I hesitated for a while, but then I spoke. "I just... can't sing anymore," I said quietly, at which tears sprang to my eyes again. I sighed in depression, but Heechul chuckled a little and patted the top of my hair.

"You have this problem today," he said. "I have this problem every day."

I shook my head. "But this - this has never happened to me," I whispered. "I - I could always sing. It was - it was one thing that always came naturally to me, so I - I don't know how to fix this."

Heechul sighed. "I know," he said, but then he frowned. "But I heard you from outside. You sounded okay."

I looked up at him incredulously through my tear-strung eyelashes. "I don't sound okay," I said. "I sound horrible. I can't sing anymore."

"You did sound good," said Heechul firmly. "And what's the problem? I could hear that you were missing a note at the top of the scale, but you know you can do it. You've done it before. It was easy for you before."

"But that was before the accident," I whispered. "Hyung, you don't get it. My body won't let me."

Heechul released me from his embrace at that, and nodding, he crossed his arms instead. "Ah, I see. Well, from what I can see, no, you'll never be able to sing well again."

I stared at him in shock at his harsh words, slinking back into depression.

"I guess you never heard this from the teachers since you always knew you were good," said Heechul. "I never had that, so I'm going to say it to you now."

I looked up at him, bracing myself for more hurtful words, but Heechul's voice had become softer again as he cupped his hands under my chin and tilted it up until I met his eyes.

"If you don't believe in yourself, if you don't believe that it's going to happen, it won't," said Heechul. "That note you can't get - you can't get it because you don't think you can. But if you just think about it really hard... and imagine yourself doing it until you don't even have an inkling of doubt, you'll be able to do it."

I shook my head. "But - "

"I don't know if you remember, Kyuhyun," said Heechul. "When I - made the mistake during that one stage of U."

I nodded. That was the night when Heechul moved out of the dorms. How could I forget?

"For weeks after that, I just... couldn't sing," he said. "I mean, I practiced everywhere. I was busy with dramas, but I practiced in the van, late at night, just... everywhere, whenever I had time. But I was just getting worse, not better."

I just listened, still unsure of where he was going with this.

"And then - it was Ryeowook, actually," he said with a small chuckle. "Such an insolent little kid." And when he spoke again, he was serious again. "He decided to tell me what I was doing wrong. And he told me that it wasn't because I didn't know how to do it, but because I kept telling myself that I was a terrible singer. And you know, he was right. I went to the vocal teacher the next day, and all I said to myself was, 'I can do this. I know I can do this'. Over and over. And you know - I could sing again."

Heechul paused a little before continuing.

"I know what it's like. The fear that you'll fail, and the fear that comes with the knowledge that if you fail, so many things are on the line," said Heechul quietly. "And I think you're doing the same thing I was doing. If you convince yourself that your body won't let you sing, then it won't. In the end, it all comes down to your confidence. It's as simple as that."

I listened, mulling it over.

Just think to myself that I can do this... I can do this...

"Don't practice today. Not if you think you might blow your voice out," said Heechul. "But when you continue tomorrow, just keep that in mind. And you'll be able to sing just like before. I promise."

I nodded reluctantly. I still wasn't sure if he was right. I wasn't sure if my body was something my mentality could overcome, but...

"And what are you even worried about?" said Heechul with a smile. "Even just now, you were still singing better than the rest of us ever could."

Then he hugged me tightly once more and let me settle into his embrace and stay there for as long as I wanted.

I took Heechul's advice, and over the next week, I did things that I'd never done before. I sat down with my eyes closed, just imagining myself getting that note, singing that song perfectly. I imagined the voice that I imagined myself to have, and I convinced myself that all of that was within reach before every singing session. I made sure that when I stood to sing, I had no trace of doubt in my mind over whether I could do it.

And at the end of the week, when I'd finished singing the song I was working on with the vocal teacher, he began clapping, a smile finally on his face.

"That's great," he said. "There's a lot of polishing to do, but I almost want to say you're back, Kyuhyun."

I just looked at him, barely able to put on a smile for being so spent from concentrating so hard, but I felt pleased nonetheless, and I finally asked him the question that I so wanted the answer to.

"Can I re - record the songs to - the new album?"

"As long as you polish up over the next week or so - then yes. I think so."

I couldn't muster up the proper reactions in my exhausted state, but I still felt my mouth forming a grin.

"I love you," I slurred.

And then I opened my arms and locked the perplexed vocal teacher in a hug. I still didn't realize how inappropriate I was being until he laughed and said, "Get off, Kyuhyun, you're sweaty and gross."

I smiled and let go. "Do I get to be the one to tell the manager hyung?" I asked.

"If you want," he said with an amused smile.

I nodded yes, but then I looked at him. "Maybe you should write me a note."

"Why?" he asked me with a frown.

"He probably won't believe me," I said. I smiled again. "Are we done for today?"

"Yes," he said.

I beamed once more, then after giving him a deep bow that took all of the last energy I had to thank him for the lesson, I sprawled out on the floor and closed my eyes in pure happiness.

My hard work was finally, finally going to pay off.

And my dreams were going to come true.

I was right. When I told the manager hyung that I got the okay to record the album as soon as I jumped into the passenger seat of the van later that evening in a state of ecstasy, he raised his eyebrows.

"I spoke to your vocal teacher today after your lesson and he didn't mention that at all," he said with a frown.

"I know," I said patiently. "It's because I told him I wanted to be the one to break the news."

He still seemed skeptical as he shot me a look, momentarily taking his eyes off the road. "You know that I'll find out if you're lying to me, right?"

"I'm not," I said. Then I looked at him from the passenger seat, my eyes sparkling. "Do you want to hear me sing?"

"No," he said hastily.

My mouth dropped open. "Rude," I said, disappointed and facing front again.

"It's not that I don't want to hear you sing. I just don't want you to overexert yourself."

I smiled. "Okay," I said. Then I looked at him. "So where are we going again? The dorm, right?"

"Uh - well, yeah, but some of the guys are getting their hair styled," he said, eyeing my expression. "So I'm going to have to take them to the hair shop."

"How about me? Do they know what they're going to do with my hair?" I asked, hopeful.

"Yeah," he said uncertainly. "They did have a plan with what they were going to do if you really can take part, but I mean - "

"But I can," I said, starting to get frustrated.

"Okay, Kyuhyun. I believe you," he said a small smile. "I'm  proud of you."

"Good," I said. "So? Can I come to get my hair styled too?"

He wrinkled the corners of his eyes. "I don't know. You weren't part of the appointment."

"Okay," I said enthusiastically. "Then let me tag along. Maybe they'll do it anyway."

"Kyuhyun," he said in exasperation. "The van's going to be full."

"I'll sit on someone's lap," I said persistently.

Seunghwan hyung stopped at a red light, and he rubbed his forehead with his hands. "Why are you so stubborn," he muttered.

"I'm sorry," I said with a grin. "But if I weren't, I wouldn't be here right now. And hyung, I know that you like that I'm here right now."

Seunghwan hyung raised his head from his hands and gripped the handle again. "I do, most of the time."

"You love me, admit it," I said dismissively.

"I do," he repeated. "Most of the time."

"All the time," I corrected him. "You love me all the time."

Seunghwan hyung only chuckled in response as the car began moving again.

I was staring at my unfamiliar reflection on the mirror in one of the booths, unsure of what to think. They did style my hair after all; each of Kangin, Sungmin and Ryeowook had their own booths, and Ryeowook had come out earlier than the others, and they decided they probably had time for me after all. I'd complied happily, almost skipping into the booth, but I hadn't expected my hair to look like this after it was done. I'd never bleached my hair before, never mind to blond, almost white, and I looked so... so awkward, and I didn't look like myself. I suddenly had worries going through my mind; I had just seen Ryeowook's new hair and his seemed normal - will I be the laughing stock of this album? I look so different, will anyone even recognize me? I absent-mindedly fiddled with the ends of my new hair when the stylist tapped on my shoulder.

"Kyuhyun? I need this booth now," she said.

"Sorry," I said timidly. I stood up from the stool slowly and paused before opening the sliding door. But I guess I'd have to face this sooner or later. I took a deep breath, readying myself for laughs or worried voices. But as soon as I saw the other members, my immediate worries disappeared and I burst out in laughter.

"You look ridiculous!" I shouted to Kangin, who was closest. His head was, for all intents and purposes, shaven off as if he were getting ready to go off to the military any day now.

"And you look sick," retorted Kangin, raising his hand over his head as if he were going to hit me. I ducked a little playfully and laughed again when I caught sight of Sungmin, whose new hair was half-white and half-his natural black from what I could see, but it wasn't an even haircut. The white half of his hair was longer than his black half, and it looked like -

"Hyung, you look like a raccoon," I said honestly, at which Sungmin instinctively touched his hair with his hand.

"Don't say that," said Sungmin sadly.

"I'm just saying," I said with a smirk. "I'm sure your fans will still go crazy over it."

"I don't know what they were thinking," said Sungmin, covering his eyes with his hands.

"It's okay, hyung. You just have to look confident and it'll look good," I said, but suppressing laughter.

I frowned in confusion. "Why does Ryeowook look so normal though?"

"Because they've got other plans for him," said Seunghwan.

"What other pl - " I began, but then I was cut off by the stylist from one of the booths.

"Ryeowook, we're ready for you here," she said.

Ryeowook sighed and looked up at Seunghwan hyung with his face full of more worry than I'd ever seen it display before. "Hyung," he said.

"It's going to be fine," said Seunghwan hyung, tapping the small of his back towards the booth.

"Can you come with me?" he asked reluctantly, grabbing Seunghwan hyung's hand.

"Wait, what is it?" I asked, curious now.

"They want to pierce my ears," said Ryeowook, looking like he may start crying.

I raised my eyebrows. "Wow," I said.

"Okay, I'll come," said Seunghwan hyung, and soon, he was leading Ryeowook into the booth, almost dragging Ryeowook behind him. I followed in curiosity, never having seen anyone's ears being pierced.

By the time we stepped into the booth, the stylist had set out a stool for Ryeowook to sit on, and the earrings that would go in after. To my surprise, I saw five earrings sitting on the counter.

"You're getting five?" I asked.

"Please don't remind me," said Ryeowook. His face was pale now as he unwillingly sat on the stool.

"I'll be right back with the needles," said the stylist. She got up and walked to the back, at which Ryeowook shuddered and looked up at Seunghwan hyung.

"I looked up videos of people getting their ears pierced last night," said Ryeowook said worriedly.

"Why would you do that?" said Seunghwan hyung, exasperated.

"Because that's just what he does," I said, slightly amused.

"And some people were screaming in pain after they got the top part of their ears pierced," he said, ignoring both of us.

"That's when they don't do things right," soothed Seunghwan hyung. "It'll be okay."

"Hyung, do I really have to do this?" said Ryeowook desperately.

"Yes," said Seunghwan hyung firmly.

Ryeowook sighed. "I don't understand why I have to get five," complained Ryeowook. "How about Kyuhyun gets two, and I'll take the three?"

"No, that's not how this works," I said, shaking my head.

Ryeowook sighed and saw through the mirror that the stylist was back with the needle. he let out a groan of despair, and Seunghwan hyung wrapped his arms around Ryeowook. I felt a small pang of jealousy, and so I stepped closer to the two of them as Seunghwan hyung let Ryeowook bury his face into his chest.

"Okay. It's okay. It won't hurt as much as you think," said Seunghwan, rubbing Ryeowook's back tenderly. "It'll be okay."

"Okay," said Ryeowook into Seunghwan hyung's chest, his speech muffled.

Ryeowook kept reasonably calm as the stylist marked the target on his ear with a marker. "Just keep still," she said, putting the block behind his ear. Ryeowook gulped visibly and nodded, but but as soon as the needle approached his ear -

"Wait - wait, wait!" shouted Ryeowook, jumping up from the stool.

"Ryeowook," I said, unable to take it anymore and rolling my eyes.

"You don't understand how scary this is, Kyuhyun," whined Ryeowook, shaking his head fervently.

"Kim Ryeowook, you're going to hurt yourself if you move like that," I said, taking him by the hand and guiding him back to the stool. "Now sit down and hold still."

"Can I just do it myself?" said Ryeowook to the stylist, looking up worriedly.

"No, of course not," she said with a sigh. "Just close your eyes and it'll be fine."

"This is so not worth it," muttered Ryeowook, his face still white.

Seunghwan hyung chuckled and ran his hands around Ryeowook's face. "Don't be scared. It'll work."

Ryeowook extended his arms and wrapped his own arms around Seunghwan hyung's waist, and I watched again as the block was placed behind Ryeowook's ear again. When the needle approached him this time though, and Ryeowook began to shudder, I felt queasy, and I rushed to the door. I walked to the door and grabbed the doorknob, and I heard Ryeowook say, "Wait, Kyuhyun, where are you going?"

I looked back at him after opening the door. "I think you'll be fine with Seunghwan hyung," I said, then I ran out to make sure that I didn't have to hear Ryeowook's cries of pain.

"They throb, I'm not exaggerating," complained Ryeowook from next to me.

I didn't know how to console him as I continued to eat the sandwich I had in my hand. It was the day we shot the music video, and everyone had gone on the usual 24-hour crash diet before the shoot. I was the only person who was allowed to eat, and so I was eating lunch in back of the van before the shoot began. I unfortunately had to eat in front of everyone else, though, and I was uncomfortably aware of Henry, who was sitting in the seat next to mine, watching me eat all the while.

We'd had a chance to bond somewhat, as we both attended practices, but had to sit out for most of the time when the rest of the team were polishing up the choreography. We still weren't the best communicators, but Henry's Korean was becoming better slowly but surely, and both of our body language had improved. In any case, we'd at least become more familiar with each other. Henry still seemed to see me as the most comfortable hyung to be around, and I tried to take care of him whenever I could. So when his chocolate brown eyes looked up at mine, I knew what he wanted right away.

I looked up at the rearview mirror to see if Seunghwan hyung might be able to see, but seeing him concentrate on the road, I shot Henry a knowing glance. He looked up at the rearview mirror for a second, too, and then we both ducked as I held out the sandwich so that he could take a bite.

His bite was so huge that his cheeks were stretched out as far as they would go, and he couldn't have made it more obvious that he was eating. I straightened up again to make it more discreet, but saw Henry straightening up again, too. I put my hand on his back and pushed him down, making sure that he wouldn't be seen in the rearview mirror until he had finished his mouthful of food.

He understood and kept his head bowed through the chewing, then with a massive swallow, straightened up again. Then he turned to me and smiled that I returned with a pat on his back as the van came to a full stop at the set.

I spent the majority of the 20-hour shoot in the van so as not to be in the way of the shoot. I was experienced enough now to know that everyone was especially touchy because of how stressful this was, and the last thing I wanted to do was get in anyone's way as they bustled around.

I was on the set for maybe three hours in total, so I was still relatively fresh compared to the other members who had been dancing with no food for so long as we hopped back in the van when we were finally finished.

"It was so hard," panted Eunhyuk from my side but still energetic as if the high from the shoots have not quite dissipated. "The gravel killed. It was so much harder than in the practice room. And the heat - god."

I smiled ruefully and wiped the sweat from his forehead with my hand for him, not voicing what I was really thinking.

I'd give anything to have been able to do what you just did.

We were all finally fed and driven back to the dorm, at which time it was late in the evening.

"Get some sleep, you all deserve it," said the manager hyung with a proud smile as we gathered in the living room. "I'm going to the office to finish up with the music video, so behave, okay?"

I didn't even think to disagree as he left the dorm again and I made my way to my room and lied down on the floor to sleep, thinking that I should leave the bed to Leeteuk for today, since he was more tired.

Even before I completely fell asleep, though, I was being shaken awake.

"What?" I said in annoyance. I opened my eyes to see that it was Donghae.

"Let's go out," he said.

I frowned. "Go out where?"

"To the restaurant down the street," he said.

I frowned. "Why? We can just order if you're hungry," I said.

"No, everyone wants to celebrate properly," insisted Donghae.

I sat up. "Are we allowed?"

"I - well - no, but he'll never know," said Donghae. "We'll be back in an hour at the latest, and there is no way the manager hyung will be back so fast."

I sighed. I didn't know why I was so tired, but I didn't want to miss out on a team celebration - especially now that I was of age and I could drink with the rest of them.

"Okay," I said, then I let Donghae help me to my feet.

It must have been quite the sight, the fourteen of us walking in a huge group down the street to the nearest restaurant, all of us barely covering our absurd hair with caps shoved on our heads. At least we were out of our costumes, but we were also dressed in clothes that we certainly didn't want to be photographed in.

But we paid no attention as we jovially made our way to the restaurant, and as soon as we stepped inside, we demanded a large booth and began our celebrations with Siwon's "I'm buying!" and everyone else's cheers. We ordered more food and drinks than we knew we could manage, and I had more fun than I thought I would ever have with the team.

I really was keeping track of the time. It had only been forty minutes since we'd left the dorm, when we all of our phones began buzzing and ringing at the same time.

There was a sudden hush at our table as each of us drew out our phones. When I checked my own, I saw one line.

From Lee Seunghwan    9:32pm

Please return to the dorm right now.

I felt the blood drain out of my face and my chest drop. And the silence, heavy atmosphere continued to linger around the room. Then Leeteuk stood with a quiet, "Let's get going," and everyone stood up from the table and hurriedly made our way back to the dorm without having exchanged another word.

Thankfully, we didn't meet any fans at the restaurant or on our way back to the dorm.

We reached the door of our suite all too soon, and we were now hesitating before opening it. But in the end, Leeteuk took the lead and bravely pushed open the door.

I was near the back, so I couldn't really see over everyone's heads. But when I did, my insides twisted up. Seunghwan hyung was sitting wordlessly on a chair in the living room, the broom already in his hand, and his head hung low without looking at any of us.