I stared at Donghae.

Did he just apologize to me?

Was this the same hyung that had once told me that I didn't know the industry because I'd expected an apology from a hyung?

"You know - I've always meant to say sorry," said Eunhyuk quietly. "It's just - when we started getting along, I didn't think the past would matter. I guess I was being silly. Of course it matters."

I turned my head to look at Eunhyuk. He had his chin resting on his knees, and was looking at his feet.

There was another silence where I just took the time to process what had happened, then Ryeowook spoke.

"Kyuhyun, I'm really sorry, but I'm not really sorry about anything," said Ryeowook.

I looked up at him and smiled for the first time in days.

"I know. And I couldn't have come this far without you. All four of you," I said. "It's just..."

"Kyuhyun, is it that you can't look at our faces without thinking about back then?" asked Eunhyuk.

I shook my head. "No. It's not like that," I said quietly.

"Then what is it?" asked Sungmin.

"I don't have a problem working with you, or joking and having fun with you," I said. "I just - "

I still can't quite trust you with my rawest emotions.

" - I don't want to talk about things like this. That's all."

There was a silence, then Sungmin put his hand on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry too, but to be honest, I'm not sure what a simple apology's going to do for you," said Sungmin. "But I hope we can promise each other something."

I looked at him, and he spoke seriously.

"We'll continue to prove that we're not the same people that we were during the first few months you were here," said Sungmin. "But in return, you have to try to see us as different people as well."

I hesitated. "I don't know if I can do that," I said quietly.

"Why not?" asked Sungmin, exasperated.

"Haven't you already broken your end of the promise?"

"What?"

"I'll bet you're going to get out of here, and when you and Donghae hyung are alone, you're going to start talking about how broken I am," I said quietly. I looked into his eyes. "Aren't you?"

Both Donghae and Sungmin looked like they didn't know what to say.

"It's okay," I said with a small laugh. "It's okay. I'll start small. I'm really sorry, but I can't do that right now. But as they say - time heals everything. There will come a time when I can easily confide in you. But right now is not the time."

Sungmin looked hurt, but soon, he nodded. "It doesn't matter who it is you talk to. It can be the new manager if that's what you want," he said. "But whoever it is, just find him fast."

I nodded.

"Okay," I said, then I stood up, as did everyone else.

I tried to go all the way down to the ground floor, but I felt a tap on my shoulder. I looked back to see Ryeowook.

"Do you need to go back to get your bag?"

I hesitated. My things for my Chinese lesson for later were still in my bag and there was no doubt I would need it, but I didn't think I could return to the dorm.

"No," I said. God, if I went back, I'd have to deal with Heechul. "No. I don't need it."

Ryeowook stared at me for a few second, then he shook his head. "I'll get it," he muttered, then he was back a few minutes later with my backpack.

"Dinner break, one hour," panted Leeteuk, then he grabbed his water bottle and took a long drink.

We'd had another singing practice, and everyone was exhausted already. I could only imagine how much more difficult the dance practice would be, which was to begin after dinner.

And I felt sorry.

Sorry for making such a big deal out the past when everyone was so exhausted.

And in that, I didn't feel like I could face everyone anymore. l made my way towards the door before anyone else had time to gather his things together; I didn't bother with my coat or my wallet. I wasn't planning on eating that night. I pulled open the door and stepped outside, but was surprised with the presence of Jonghyun waiting by the door.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, perplexed.

"Can you buy me the dinner you promised?" he asked without even greeting me.

"Jonghyun, I said next week," I said, exasperated.

"I was just really hungry," he said, his shining eyes poring into mine.

I sighed. "Okay," I said, then I went back into the practice room to grab my wallet.

Within minutes, Jonghyun and I were sitting across from each other at a small Italian restaurant. We both had plates in front of us, but there was a stark contrast; I hadn't even taken a bite of my food and was just playing with my food while Jonghyun was eating so much with so much satisfaction.

"Do they starve you or something?" I asked with a small smile.

Jonghyun shrugged. "Not exactly. They don't tell us that we can't eat, but there's just not enough food to go around at the dorm most of the time with the budget we have."

I felt a pang of guilt. We'd at least had enough of a budget to feed ourselves. I guessed that was the difference between a group that had debuted already and one that hadn't. I sighed and put my pasta in front of Jonghyun.

"You're not eating, hyung?" he asked, finally looking up from his food.

"I'm not hungry," I said. Jonghyun smiled widely.

"Okay," he said, then he picked up my plate and slid about half of the pasta onto his own plate before giving the plate back to me.

I took it, but I still didn't start eating.

"You cook for yourselves too, right?" I asked.

Jonghyun nodded. "I'm not so good at it, but one of my friends is really good."

I nodded with understanding. "So you're one of the youngest, then?" I asked.

Jonghyun shook his head and smiled. "I know, it's weird to think, isn't it? But I'm actually one of the oldest hyungs," he said. "Just when I entered SM, I was the maknae, but none of those hyungs made it into this group. There are only two that are older than me, and only one of them is on my team."

I frowned. "But then, why does your friend cook and not the maknaes?"

Jonghyun looked up from his food. "Because he's better at it," he said simply.

I laughed a bit. "So what if the hyungs are better at cleaning? Then the hyungs clean too?"

Jonghyun looked at me incredulously. "No. We're taking turns cleaning."

I smiled. Jonghyun and his group were doing things right. And I was glad.

"Good for you," I said. "Never forget that, okay? That the maknaes are tired, too."

Jonghyun stared at me like I was saying the most obvious thing ever. "Um, okay," he said, then he turned back to his food and continued eating.

The second part of the night was the first day of Tic Toc! dance practice, and to my genuine surprise, I found myself understanding and learning the dance at least as fast as Ryeowook had; I guessed my persistent practicing had paid off. Even the choreographer looked impressed.

"Why are you getting this dance so fast, Kyuhyun?" he asked.

I just shook my head in surprise at myself. "I don't know," I said truthfully.

There was laughter in the room, then the choreographer looked at me and Leeteuk.

"By the way, the two of you have the most important moves in the entire song. You know that, right?"

I looked at him with round eyes. "What?"

"You know, the dance for your solo parts," he said.

Leeteuk and I looked at each other, then back at the choreographer.

"You mean, the - "

"Yeah. Both of you have to make it cuter."

I stared at the choreographer while Leeteuk burst out into embarrassed laughter, but I was more serious than Leeteuk.

"Wait, that's not my image. My image is - " I started, but I was cut off.

"No, it's perfect, the oldest hyung and the maknae," he said with conviction. "So that means wide smiles, exaggerated moves. You know that. Let's see it," he said.

Then he counted us in.

The two of us started dancing our solo parts, which had basically the same choreography. I could see Leeteuk giving it his all in the choreography, but I still held back - I felt like I was making a fool out of myself.

Just as we were finished with our parts with the rest of the team watching, the choreographer shook his head.

"No, no, cuter!" said the choreographer in disapproval. "Kyuhyun, you do it by yourself."

I blushed the deepest red I'd ever blushed. "Um - sir, I'll do it - later - "

"Come on, Kyuhyun, we don't have all day," he said impatiently.

I covered my crimson face for a few seconds, then I faced the mirrors again with a deep breath.

As I danced my part again, the choreographer clearly suppressed a laughter among the loud ones from the rest of the team. If it was possible, my face grew even hotter. I turned to the rest of the team.

"Stop laughing!" I said, a tiny smiling creeping up on my own face.

"Wait, Kyuhyun, can you do it again?" asked Shindong, still laughing.

"No, that's enough, I - " I said, but the choreographer looked at me.

"Do it again," he said, unable to hide the smile anymore.

"It's just hilarious just because of how awkward it is," said Eunhyuk, then he burst out into helpless laughter once more.

"Wait, this time, sing at the same time," choked out Siwon.

I opened my mouth to tell him to stop being such a jerk, but the choreographer nodded, the hint of the smile still on his face.

"That does sound like a good idea," he said.

"Why are you teasing?" I complained.

"I'm not. This is serious business," he said, then his smile disappeared. Flustered, I faced a mirror again, then he started counting me in again. However, this time, the team joined in on the counting, and when I finished, singing at the same time, everyone was doubled over, laughing, and some of them had literally fallen to the floor and pounding it with their fists, laughing uncontrollably.

But then I started laughing as well, with embarrassment - at least until I saw the choreographer's face.

"That's as good as it gets?" asked the choreographer.

I looked at him seriously, then I nodded.

"It's endearing, I suppose," said the choreographer with a resigned sigh.

He then turned his back on me, but he'd forgotten that he'd turned towards a mirror, and that I could see him smile in it.

It was 7am when we finished the dance practice. All of the other members either began their schedules for the day or had returned to the dorm, but the new manager had scheduled another Mandarin lesson for me right after dance practice.

And again, I struggled.

I didn't know why speaking Chinese was so much harder than writing it, but they weren't joking when they said Chinese was the hardest language to learn.

I'd been scolded by the teacher by the end of the lesson for not being able to understand, and that had put me in a miserable mood once again. The mood persisted until I was driven back to the dorm by the new manager, wherein I was instead gripped with fear that I'd finally have to deal with Heechul.

I just sat there, but then remembered what Seunghwan hyung had said to me when he had given me the news that I would start learning Chinese.

There's always Hankyung if you get stuck.

I hesitated, then I looked at the new manager, who was still driving.

"Um, sir," I said quietly.

He glanced at me a little, but didn't say anything.

"Hankyung hyung went to the officetel, didn't he?" I asked.

"Yes," he said curtly.

"Could you drive me to the officetel instead, sir?"

The manager frowned. "Why?" he asked.

"I'm just asking Hankyung hyung for help with my conversational Chinese," I said, eyeing him.

I saw him hesitate a little, but then he nodded. "But I can't pick you up again until late tonight, when you have practice again."

I smiled. "Even better."

Longer without having to face Heechul. That would be perfect.

I was standing in front of the door of the officetel. I'd never been here before; as embarrassing as it was, the only time I'd seen it was when it was on TV.

The new manager opened the door to the officetel and let me inside.

"I'll be back at 8pm," he said. I nodded and stepped inside as he left the officetel, locking the door on his way out.

The officetel was significantly smaller than the dorm as well as somewhat messier, giving it the illusion of it being more crammed; I guessed that was what happened when the maknaes weren't expected to keep everything in line.

Although it was my first time at the officetel, it was small enough that I could figure it out.

There were only four doors in total in the hallway excluding the bathroom off in the corner, and I peeked into each one. As far as I could tell, all of the rooms were single - there was only one bed in each room - and when I finally peered into the last room in the hallway, I saw Hankyung sleeping on his bed.

I'd never thought too much about Hankyung, to be honest. He was never one to bully me, but he was never one to approach me, either. He'd never ordered me to do anything, but he'd also never helped me with anything. I'd rarely spoken to him, except to say "hello", and he'd moved out of the big dorm just a few months into my joining the group with Heechul, so I'd rarely spoken to him.

But I guess now was the time to start.

I walked into his room, and I lightly tapped him on the shoulder.

"Hi, hyung," I said with a tiny smile.

Hankyung opened his eyes, frowned, and stared at me.

Then I realized that I'd totally skipped the "sunbaenim" phase with Hankyung, and prayed that he would forgive me for that, as well as barging into his room and waking him up from his sleep.