The fever finally cooled and I fell asleep three more hours later, and I slept like a log until the others returned to the dorm with the manager. I awoke to the sound of the door opening in my room, and Leeteuk coming into it. I opened my eyes and looked at Leeteuk, dazed, when he got into his bed.

"Hey," said Leeteuk. I sat up and bowed.

"Are you feeling better?" he asked.

I nodded, then I hesitated.

"Did you get scolded a lot?" I asked quietly, feeling guiltier than ever. I couldn't even look into his eyes.

Leeteuk shook his head. "No, not a lot," he said.

"Did he hit you?" I asked.

"It doesn't matter," said Leeteuk without looking at me.

There was a silence while I lowered my head. So he did get hit.

I hung my head. "I'm sorry. I know I should be taking better care of myself. That's what Seunghwan hyung always told me before he left."

"He's right. You could have all the talent and potential in the world, but if you're not healthy - "

I was listening with my head down, but Leeteuk was soon interrupted by a loud "Kyuhyun!" from the living room. I looked up in confusion and saw Ryeowook bounding into the room.

"Kyuhyun!" yelled Ryeowook again.

"Yeah," I said, puzzled.

"I think our test scores came in the mail, Kyuhyun!" he yelled. He held out an envelope, and I widened my eyes as I took it in my hand.

"The entrance exams?" I asked. I felt my heart pounding, and my breath getting caught in my throat.

"Are you ready to look?" asked Ryeowook, holding the envelope tightly in his hand with an excited smile.

I rolled my eyes and slit the envelope open with my finger, but it was more or less a show; I made sure that no one could see the envelope flittering because my hands were shaking so much.

I pulled out the small slip of paper, and I looked up and took a deep breath.

God, please. I know I haven't been to church in a really, really long time, but please, please, please. I just want to see a good score.

And then I finally put my eyes on the page and looked at my scores.

Wait... wait, so -

It's not as good as I wanted, but -

A small smile crept up on my face.

"How did you do?" asked Ryeowook.

I put my hand on my head to steady myself.

"Not bad," I managed.

"Is it good enough to apply to - "

I shook my head. "Not enough for Seoul National," I said quietly. "Or Koryeo, or Yeonsei. KAIST is out of the question since I want to study music. Not that my scores are good enough anyway."

Ryeowook looked up at me. "Oh no, I'm sorry," he said with concern.

I bit my lip. "But I think it's worth a shot at some top universities."

"If you use celebrity status?" asked Ryeowook.

"No, not using it," I said.

Ryeowook widened his eyes. "Are you saying if you did use it, you could go to SNU?"

"Maybe," I said, somewhat disappointed. Disappointed at what could have been had I not chosen this career. What could have been if I hadn't been working myself to exhaustion every night and just focused on schoolwork.

Ryeowook widened his eyes, then he grabbed my shoulders and started shaking me. "Why wouldn't you use celebrity status then?" he asked.

I smiled. "I promised my dad," I said. Ryeowook's jaw dropped open, and I chuckled. "I couldn't afford the tuition at those schools without a scholarship anyway, and my scores aren't that good. My scores are probably still good enough for any of the top ten besides those four, but my best bet is probably Kyunghee or Hanyang." I saw Ryeowook looking at me with widened eyes, and I smiled. "But enough about me. How about you?"

"I want to go to Inha, I think," he said. "To study - "

I looked up, interested. "Music? Composing?"

"No, theatre arts," he said, his eyes sparkling.

I laughed. "What? You want to act?"

"I don't know, I really want to be a composer, too, but I learned so much of it in my high school already," said Ryeowook. "And SM said that they'd give me free piano and composing lessons whenever I want them. And isn't acting just a fascinating subject?"

I raised my eyebrows. "Um... sure," I said skeptically, and Ryeowook laughed.

"So now all that's left to do is apply?" asked Ryeowook. I looked up and nodded, to which he beamed again.

I lied back down, feeling refreshed and relieved, and caught Leeteuk's eyes, who was still sitting on his bed. And then he smiled.

"Good for you," he said, and I beamed back widely as he laughed.

There were now only a few days until Christmas, and the next day, I came out of the building for lunch to buy Christmas presents with Jonghyun. I thought I was buying for the team, but for everything I looked at, all I thought in my head was, would Seunghwan hyung like this? and I could never find the answer. I thought about getting him a tea set, but then realized that I still didn't know whether he really liked tea.

We were only a few minutes into walking around the area when Jonghyun tapped my arm.

"Hyung, I'm getting kind of hungry," he said.

I smacked his shoulder blade with my hand, exasperated. "I said I'd buy you something after we've finished shopping!"

"But I'm hungry now," he said, rubbing his back where I'd slapped him.

"After," I said firmly.

Jonghyun stopped dead in his tracks and crossed his arms. "I'm too hungry to walk," he announced.

I smacked him again, harder this time. "I said, wait!"

Jonghyun looked dejected for a little while, then he sighed. "If I collapse in the middle of the street, you have to take care of the hospital fees."

I rolled my eyes, smacked him again, and pulled him by his arm into the nearest eatery.

After much looking around and much eating on Jonghyun's part, I finally decided on a Chinese herbal medicine set; I knew he probably was getting even less sleep than he used to when he was with us since he was managing for a new group, which had a lot more administrative and promotional work than he'd had with us. I spent nearly a quarter of my bi-weekly pay on it, and had decided not to get anything for anyone else with the fear that I'd go broke.

That was when I realized that I had no idea where he lived, so I couldn't deliver the present to him. He obviously didn't live with the girls, and he probably lived in a dorm, apartment or officetel of some kind with the other managers of that group. And I wasn't sure who to ask except a company representative, so I made my way upstairs after a Chinese lesson the next day and knocked on his door again. I hadn't had time to dress up for it, but at least I wasn't totally dumbstruck and lost like last time; I knew what to expect, and the shiny floors probably wouldn't distract me so much this time.

I bowed at the doorway again, and I went inside and sat down.

"Sir, may I know where Seunghwan hyung's dorm is right now?" I asked without introduction.

The representative shook his head. "He went back to live at his own place."

So he didn't even live in a dorm anymore.

I bit my lip, and asked the nagging question on my mind.

"Sir, did - did he have a choice to stay with us, or did he have to go to manage for the other group?"

The representative looked up at me and raised his eyebrows. "He was actually the one that suggested it," he said.

I started nodding, then I froze with my mouth dropped open as I understood what he was saying.

What?

"You - you mean - "

"We were supportive once we heard the plan, but I assure you, it was what he wanted."

My mind went blank. So - so he didn't leave Super Junior because he had to - but because he wanted to?

"Did he say why?" I asked when I finally came to my senses.

"Just that he'd appreciate a raise," said the representative with raised eyebrows.

I just stared at him for a few seconds, then I got up from the chair, thanked him with a bow, and walked out of the office, feeling numb.

I'd stowed the present under my bed and was staring at the ceiling. I just felt so empty inside.

I couldn't believe he left us voluntarily. He knew how much we depended on him, and how much I needed him. And to think he gave me a hard time to prepare me for leaving when he was doing it on his own will -

"Kyuhyun, what's wrong?" asked Leeteuk with concern in his voice.

I hesitated briefly, but then looked into his eyes.

"Do you know what it's like to have put all your trust in someone, have poured out tears for them, told them absolutely everything about yourself, expressed every raw emotion, and to have that person leave you just for money?" I said quietly.

I shook my head. "I gave my all for him," I muttered. "And all he wanted was more money."

"I'm sure he has his reasons," said Leeteuk.

I laughed a little. "You know - when he was with us, I talked about myself so much that I don't know anything about him," I said. "I have no idea who he is. The only thing I know about him is his name. I don't know what he likes, what he wants - "

Leeteuk shook his head. "What more is there to know about him? You lived with him. And you know he did everything he could to take care of you."

I bit my lip. "No. If that were true, he wouldn't have left."

Leeteuk smiled a little. "Like I said, I'm sure he has his reasons," he said. "Maybe in time, you'll be able to forgive him."

"I've read that letter so many times that I can recite it off for you," I said quietly. "And he thanked me for being able to forgive him over and over. But this time - I don't think I can do it. No, I'll never be able to do it. Never."

I looked into my lap for a few minutes, then I looked up at Leeteuk again.

"Am I being selfish?" I whispered. "That I want him to stay with us - and turn down a raise?"

Leeteuk thought for a second, then he put his hand on my back. "Maybe," he said. "But it's understandable, the way you're feeling."

I nodded. That was what I needed to hear, and whether or not he meant it, I appreciated hearing the words.

"And you can take your time thinking this through. We're not going to see him any time soon, so take your time forgiving him, Kyuhyun. Just forget about it for now, if you want. Just enjoy the two days' break, and don't bear yourself down with it."

I sighed and nodded. He was right. He wasn't with us anymore, and there was no use torturing myself over it now. I just had to focus on having a good Christmas.

It was Christmas Eve, and everyone else had gone home. Hankyung and I were left alone at the dorm, and we'd finally worked up the energy and will to go out by the Han River to look at the Christmas light shows across the river.

The Christmas spirit was contagious, and although I was spending Christmas away from home, it felt like Christmas, and I appreciated my time with Hankyung.

"I believed in Santa Claus until I was in second grade," I said. Hankyung didn't say anything and just laughed. I smiled, too. "And I only realized this when my parents told me in middle school, but my dad was the Santa for the class when I was in kindergarten."

Hankyung laughed again. "Ignorant," he said.

We'd turned around into a more deserted part of the streets, and although it was cold, we both had a good time.

"It's too bad it's not snowing," I said regretfully.

"I don't like snow," said Hankyung.

I looked at him and smiled. "I thought you were a romantic."

"But I like it during Christmas. It might still snow," said Hankyung.

I laughed and kicked at a pebble.

"Are we ready to go back?" I asked, blowing warm breaths on my cold hands.

"You go. I'll get us some wine," said Hankyung.

"We can go together," I suggested.

Hankyung shook his head. "You shouldn't be in the cold for too long, since you really have to sing. I'll see you back at the dorm."

"Will you be safe on your own?" I asked, worried.

"You won't be much help anyway if I got in trouble," said Hankyung, then he smiled and jogged away.

I made my way back to the dorm - a five-minute walk - and started humming some Christmas carols. Soon, I was singing passionately and loudly as if I were on stage; I was alone at the dorm now, no one would mind.

I was still singing and was setting the table with my back to the door when a key turned in the door. I continued singing since I was certain that Hankyung wouldn't mind, when I heard the voice.

"Kyuhyun?"

I froze.

Oh god.

I know that voice.

And it's not Hankyung's.

I turned around and slowly walked out of the kitchen until I could see the doorway. And at the doorway was -

"Kyuhyun, it's so nice to see you!" said Seunghwan hyung, looking surprised.

I just stared at him for a second, then I strode towards the door and pushed him away, keeping him from taking another step inside.

"WHY ARE YOU HERE?" I shouted. "GET OUT! YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH US!"

Seunghwan hyung froze and looked at me, shocked.

"Kyu - "

"GET OUT!" I yelled.

"Kyuhyun, I just - " he held out the package that was in his hand. I barely even glanced at it before glaring at him again. "I just meant to drop this off for you, Kyuhyun. I thought you'd go home, so I didn't expect - "

"I love it here without you. Get out. I never want to see your face again," I seethed.

There was a long silence, then Seunghwan hyung bit his lip and nodded.

"It's nice to hear that you're well," said Seunghwan hyung slowly. He put the package down on the small table by the door. I picked it up angrily. Seunghwan hyung looked at me quizzically, and I shoved the package back into his hands.

"I don't know what it is, but I don't want it," I said, glaring at him. "And I hope you take the damn bed with you, too. In fact - you know what? I'd actually wanted to see you."

I turned around and rushed into my room, and pulled out the letter that he'd given me from under my mattress, and the present that I'd bought for him. I brought both into the living room, where he was standing, and threw the present at his feet.

"That was supposed to be for you," I said. "Before I found out who you really were. It was the only present I bought this year, so take it."

He made no move to take it, and just stared at me. I sneered, then I held up the letter. "Do you remember this?" I asked.

Seunghwan hyung looked at it and back at me. "How could I - how could I forget, Kyuhyun? I spent a long time on it. I'm so - so glad you kept it," he said with a small smile.

I smiled back incredulously. "Are you?" I asked. "Watch carefully, then."

Then I ripped the letter still in its envelope in half, then I threw both pieces at him. He caught them, fumbling, but then looked up at me in disbelief.

"It means nothing to me," I said. "You're a liar. Every single thing you wrote was a lie."

"Kyuhyun," he said, looking hurt.

"You meant more than the world to me," I said. I felt tears down my cheeks. "And I meant - the team meant nothing to you. We were just a job, weren't we? Just keep these boys in line, and I'll get some money for it. And that's all we were to you. It didn't matter whether you lived with us, or gave us hugs, or pretended you cared about us. All you really cared about was money. And we meant nothing to you."

"Kyu - "

"And now, you mean nothing to me, either," I whispered. "I have nothing to apologize to you for, and I have nothing to thank you for. I owed you a lot while you were here. But now - you mean absolutely nothing."

I'd only seen that face once before, and that was when I'd told him that he was a monster. But I didn't even feel guilt. I just wanted him out of here.

"Get out," I said quietly. I pointed at the present at his feet. "Take that with you, and get out."

He didn't move and just stood there, staring at me, and I raised my voice.

"GET OUT! GO OUT AND GET DRUNK OR SOMETHING! JUST GET OUT!"

Seunghwan hyung looked flustered, then he set his package down on the table again and opened the door, but he still had his letter in his hand. "Okay, Kyuhyun," he said quietly.

"I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T WANT IT!" I screamed.

"You can do whatever you want with it. You don't have to keep it. You can sell it if you want, or give it to someone else. I don't care - "

I picked up the package from the table and threw it as hard as I could past him into the hallway outside through the open door. I heard whatever was in the package fall with an loud crash, and Seunghwan hyung freeze in the doorway.

"I've done what I want with it. Now, will you get out?" I asked coldly, ignoring the tears streaming down my face.

Seunghwan hyung turned his head to face me again, and I saw his eyes also starting to glisten with tears. "I just wanted to help make your Christmas be better than every other day you've had while you were here, Kyuhyun," he whispered. "You deserve it."

I snorted. "Thanks for making my Christmas," I said. "I'm sure I made yours, too. From now on, if you want to make my days, just stay away from me."

Seunghwan hyung looked woefully into my angry eyes for a few moments, and then he nodded.

"I'm sorry, Kyuhyun," he said quietly, then he turned around and took heavy steps out of the dorm into the hallway. And after watching his figure step over the fallen package on the ground, I slammed the door and locked it.