Chp 132

Kyuhyun... It's been hard on you.

I woke up the next morning when the intern came into the room.

"Good morning," he said with a smile. "Good news."

I looked up, wincing a bit. For the first time since I was brought to the hospital, I was in a bit of pain. It ached a little to breathe and my legs hurt a little, but it wasn't too bad.

"Hm?" I asked groggily. He spoke to me in informal speech all the time now, and it was a bit strange. But it was still so, so comforting.

"We're going to get you out of the ICU later today," said the intern.

I widened my eyes. "I go upstairs?"

He nodded and smiled.

"But d - does that mean I won't see you anymore?" I asked, worried. I'd become quite used to his presence and I was reluctant about him leaving me.

The intern laughed. "Don't worry. I'll still be taking care of you."

I smiled with appreciation and winced again as he put on a pair of examination gloves.

"I'll just change the needle today," he said.

I nodded and watched in grim anticipation as he carefully removed the tape from my hand and drew the needle out of my hand.

It took a few seconds before I felt it all. I knew what part of my body was hurt now, and I felt - everything. I was aware of every part of my body, because every part of my body hurt.

I closed my eyes and grunted a little as the intern quickly said, "Sorry, Kyuhyun. I'll be really fast. But right now, I need you to relax your hand a little."

I hadn't even realized that I had my fisted my hands so tightly that my fingernails were digging into my palms. I let the intern coax my hand loose, but I barely even felt the needle piercing my hand since the rest of me was in so much pain, but a few moments later, most of the pain had gone again and I felt my body loosen again as the intern secured the line to my hand with the tape.

I took a few deep breaths to completely rid myself of the feeling while the intern picked up the syringe for the antibiotics. I watched as he pushed the plunger on the syringe in through the IV lines, then I smoothed my breaths and looked up at him expectantly.

"D - doctor?"

He looked at me.

"You said you would let - let me start drinking today," I reminded him.

Although it was so constant that I was able to block it out most times, it felt so horrible. My entire mouth was so dried out, and whenever I spoke, there was this - this terrible feeling of my throat closing and sticking together. It also felt like the time I starved myself for days, without the lightheadedness. I almost got reminded of the incident every time I paid attention, and I tried not to think about it most of the time.

So there was nothing I wanted more than to start eating and drinking.

The intern smiled as he looked down at my expectant face.

"Let's just see," he said, then he pulled out a wooden stick from the can of them on his cart and supported the back of my head up.

"Open," said the doctor, holding the wooden stick close to my mouth.

I reluctantly opened my mouth a little, and I felt the stick being pushed down my throat. I let him, holding back the urge to fight it away with my tongue; it felt uncomfortable, but it was okay. When I didn't respond to the stick, he pushed it down a little bit further. When I still didn't respond, he drew the stick out of my mouth with a sigh.

I looked up at him. Please, let me eat something.

The intern withdrew the stick and smiled a little. "Let's check again in a few more hours," he said.

"No - no eating?" I asked desperately.

He shook his head. "Not yet. We don't want you choking. If you choke, we're in trouble, because I'm not sure whether your lungs are strong enough to take coughing."

I let out a sigh and closed my eyes, trying not to focus on all that was wrong with my body. As I took in a deep breath, the intern spoke again.

"You know - you know your Heechul hyung, from your team?" asked the intern.

I tensed up as I looked at him.

"I - I don't want - he - "

"He just stopped by in the morning and asked me to say that he was here to see you, but he didn't want to bother you," he said.

I closed my eyes in relief as the intern gathered up his things to leave. As he was about to, I realized that I'd be here for another six hours alone, when he would come to give me my injection. And as I realized that, my head already began to fill with thoughts that I hated. Thoughts of me not being able to sing, not able to dance when I got out of here. And in that, I looked up at him. "Wait, doctor," I said desperately. He stopped and looked at me.

"What's wrong?"

I hesitated a little before opening my mouth.

"Can - can you stay here with me for a few minutes? Just - just - hold my hand?"

I looked up at him, my eyes filling up with tears again.

"You don't really like being alone?" he asked gently.

I shook my head.

"Where's your dad?" he asked.

"I told him to go home. I - I don't really need him anymore, and - he has to work."

He smiled a little as he took his surgical gloves off.

And then he sat down and took my hand in his.

I felt myself loosen up as soon as he did, which surprised me a little, given that I barely even knew him. But the support that he was giving me at the moment was as good as support that I got from everyone else. As I squeezed his hand a little, clinging on for support, he spoke again.

"Why won't you see Heechul then, if you don't want to be alone?"

I looked up at him and met his eyes with mine. I contemplated about what I would say for a long time, then I murmured, "We're not - not close."

I expected him to be surprised that we were in the same band but weren't close, but he just nodded.

"Talk to me about it," he said mildly.

At that moment, a wave of pain flooded through my body, which passed in a few seconds. I gritted my teeth to rid myself of the pain and looked up at a him after a grunt. "I - don't want to talk about it," I whispered.

He looked at me for a little and spoke again. "You know - everything that we're going to talk about is going to be confidential."

I felt myself waver at his words. Confidential... confidential... confidential...

I looked at him a little, then I finally opened my mouth.

I had wanted to talk about this. So much. To anyone.

But I hadn't been able to.

I drew in a breath to speak, to tell him everything, but then -

I closed my mouth again and shook my head. "I d - don't even know you," I whispered. "I can't."

"Why not?" he asked.

"Because our team might b - be in trouble if you tell someone," I said.

"I'm bound by law to keep my mouth shut, Kyuhyun," he said quietly. Then he squeezed my hand. "What's wrong? You can tell me."

I shook my head again. "I don't know you," I repeated.

He paused for a while and we looked into each other's eyes.

And then he smiled a little while squeezing my hand.

"You don't know me, but you just asked me to hold your hand and to stay here."

I felt my entire body numb as soon as I heard him say it, and I pulled my hand away from him faster than I imagined I could move in my state.

"I'm not saying that's a bad thing, Kyuhyun," said the intern. He reached for my hand again, and as soon as he touched it, I flinched away again.

"Don't!" I shouted. The intern froze.

I curled my hand up into a fist and hid it under the sheets, and the intern nodded.

"Okay," he said, dropping his hands and putting them in his lap instead. "Okay. That was my fault. I'm sorry."

I closed my eyes and sighed.

"Why are you so afraid to trust me, Kyuhyun?" he asked.

"I'm not," I whispered.

"Look what you're doing now," he said quietly. "You are so scared."

I stared at him for a second, then looked away.

"Tell me why you're so afraid to trust me. I'm not going to tell."

"That - that's not what I'm afraid of," I said before I could stop myself.

There was a silence, then he looked at me. "That's not what you told me a few seconds ago."

I hesitated for a long time, trying to decide whether I could confide in this man. I didn't know him, I couldn't trust him.

As my mouth remained shut, the intern leaned in closer and held my hand again. And this time, I let him.

"Go on," he urged gently.

I probably wouldn't have began talking if he hadn't held my hand. But it felt so comforting and so... just so... so inviting.

Could I trust him?

Even if I could - could I really talk about this?

Then taking a deep breath, I started with difficulty, still not looking at him.

"I joined this - this team six months after they'd already debuted," I whispered. "I was the youngest, and everyone hated me. And since the first day I joined them, I was - " I hadn't ever used this word before, but it was the right word. "I was abused." I closed my eyes. "I was abused," I repeated.

A tear rolled down my face as I remembered.

There was a silence, then the intern spoke quietly.

"I'm so sorry to hear that, Kyuhyun. That - that must have been so hard," he said.

The words touched my very heart, and I nodded.

"It was," I whispered. "So hard."

I took a deep breath before continuing again.

"And - and the only person who gave me any refuge for the f - first little while was the manager hyung who was there. He - he's actually here n - now, he was in the same accident. But - anyway - he helped me - though everything, and I put all of my t - trust in him," I said. "And then in December, he left us to manage for a different group. I lost - the one fortress I had, and - and - "

I stopped talking, but the intern nodded.

"So your manager was giving you so much support and he was your rock. And then when he left, you felt betrayed? Like you shouldn't have put your trust in him?" he asked.

I nodded and closed my eyes. "And I just - don't want to make that mistake again. If I put - all my trust in you, and then you have to leave..."

He nodded. "And how does Heechul fit into all this?"

I hesitated before biting my lip. And deciding that the simplest statement would suffice, I spoke quietly. "He was the only member to st - still abuse me at the time that the accident happened."

I sighed and brought the hand with the needle in it up to my face to wipe away my tears.

"He still - still hates me."

There was a silence while I cried, and after a long while later, he spoke.

"Thank you so much for telling me. It really - took a lot of courage on your part."

I nodded to acknowledge the statement and continued wiping the tears, unable to say anything.

"So now, may I share my story?" he asked gently.

I looked at him through my teary eyes and nodded.

"I'm new at this, as I'm sure you can tell," he said. "I'm sure you've noticed a lot of inadequacies. And I'm sorry about that."

I shook my head and forced a smile through my tears.

"But anyway, the point is - the point is, when I first got assigned to your case, it was when you were first brought to the ICU. And - and to be honest, I thought I'd lose you. And the prospect of losing a patient was just - so horrifying to me that for the first time, I went to the chapel here in the hospital to pray after work one night, for both me and for you.

"It was empty, except for one person sitting, crying and praying. I realized that it was Heechul, I'd been seeing him around the hospital since the first day you were brought in. And when he realized that I was there, he startled so much and got up to leave, and I told him he could stay. And then when I got close enough, he just muttered, 'Oh, you're the doctor who's taking care of my dongsaeng, right?' and then he just continued praying again.

"I just sat down next to him and prayed too, and we didn't say anything for a long time. And then a little while later, he turned to me and said, 'I don't even believe in God. But I'm praying to every god I've ever heard of for Kyuhyun to wake up and get better.'

"And then he laughed a little, then he said, 'I think I'd kill myself too if Kyuhyun died.' That scared me a little, so I asked him why, and he barely managed to say, 'Because the last thing I told him to do was to die. And now he's gone and almost done that. And it's all my fault.' And then he cried harder than I'd ever seen anyone cry. And Kyuhyun, I've seen a lot of people cry in this job."

I tried to control the tears flowing from my eyes, but there was no stopping them. Even as I was doing so, the intern continued.

"And then when he finally stopped crying, he said, 'I'm so bad at expressing myself that even if he woke up, I would never be able to say sorry... And if I don't apologize, I know Kyuhyun will never be able to forgive me. And then I'll have to live the rest of my life with that on my chest.'"

The intern's own eyes were sparking with tears, and he squeezed my hand. "I know it must be difficult to forgive your abusers," he said, his face contorting as he held back his own tears. "I know it must be difficult to accept them into your life."

He let out a long breath. "And ultimately, it's your decision whether or not you choose to forgive them."

I nodded through my tears. "I know."

"But I just think it's only fair that you make the decision after you've heard this side of the story," he said.

I nodded again.

"Take your time, Kyuhyun," he whispered, and he squeezed my hand before getting up from the chair and making his way out of the room.

 

 

The entire morning was just dedicated to me staring at the ceiling with tears flowing. I didn't know why I was crying. I just couldn't quite pinpoint the emotion.

The situation that I was in now was so strange. I finally understood now, and I finally got what was happening between Heechul and me. He never gave me a chance for the last year, and I'd have been so thankful for a chance. And now, it's the other way around. Where he would be thankful for a chance that I could give him.

I just thought about it for a long time, asking myself whether I was ready to forgive. Ready to forgive him for everything he's done to me.

I still hadn't quite decided yet when the intern came inside the room in the afternoon.

"We're going to move you upstairs in a few minutes," he said with a smile. "The new room has a TV, and it will have a bigger window than here. It'll be quieter, too, so everything should be an improvement. You can also start having more than one visitor at a time, so that should free you up a bit, right?"

I nodded and smiled a little.

"And - I pulled some strings, and I think you'll really like the room you're going to be in."

I looked at him curiously, but he just shook his head and smiled.

"It's a surprise."

I smiled and whispered, "Okay," before closing my eyes again, but the intern looked at me.

"So I'm here because Heechul's back," said the intern carefully.

I bit my lip, realizing that this was the time to decide. As I didn't say anything, he touched me lightly on the shoulder.

"Do you want to see him?"

I chewed on my lips for a bit longer before nodding. "Yeah," I said. "I'll see him."

The intern nodded encouragingly, a smile spreading across his face. "Good for you," he said, then he walked to the door to let Heechul in.

Heechul shuffled inside after the intern, then he walked inside and sat down beside my bed.

"Hey," he said, almost dejectedly.

And then I realized. If I died tomorrow, or if he died tomorrow, I knew I would regret telling him that I hated him last night. And I knew I would regret not accepting him here and now.

And in that, I turned my head to face him and smiled. "Good morning."

Heechul looked in my face. "It's not morning anymore, stupid."

"Oh." I cocked my head a little. "Who cares ab - about the time in the hospital?"

Heechul chuckled a little. He just sat there silently, looking at his hands for a little while, then he looked at me.

"Kyuhyun, you're getting dirty," he announced.

I blinked. I had been so focused on breathing, staying alive, that I barely even noticed. But I hadn't had a shower for at least a week, besides being wiped down for surgery... and that was two days ago.

"I know. I probably smell," I croaked.

Heechul forced a smile and got up from the chair and looked at the intern.

"Can we take him to - the bathtub or anything?" asked Heechul.

"No, I'm afraid not," said the intern apologetically. "But a bed bath works just as well if you're willing to give him one before he's moved upstairs."

Heechul nodded solemnly.

"How do I do that?" he quietly.

"Follow me," said the intern, and then they both went into the bathroom that was attached to the room.

I'd never seen the inside of the bathroom, being unable to move. I wished I could go in it with them, just to look at it, but it wasn't until the two of them came out of it with a stack of towels, a basin of water and a soap bottle that I saw even pieces of the bathroom. I looked at the towels, thinking, this is what the towel looks like at this place... this is the soap that they use...

As I was looking, the intern looked at Heechul.

"Are you going to be okay on your own?" he asked.

Heechul startled and looked up at him. "What?"

"I just taught you everything you need to know. I have some other things to take care of. I'll leave the two of you to it," said the intern.

And then he left the room, ignoring Heechul's "Uh, wait!"

The door still slid shut firmly, and we were both just still for a long while. And then a while later, the two of our eyes met. Heechul broke the gaze quickly and set the towels down awkwardly down beside the bed. He extended his arms towards me a little, then he hesitated before reaching again.

"Okay, let's get your clothes off," he said, then he began ing my shirt. I squeezed my eyes shut, not wanting to see my bruised torso, but as soon as he removed my shirt, he pulled the sheets and the blanket to my chin again.

I opened my eyes in time to see Heechul wetting a towel carefully. He hesitated for a split second before putting it to my face and wiping gently. My eyes closed automatically.

"How does that feel? Better?" asked Heechul, wiping my closed eyes with the wet towel. It felt so refreshing.

I nodded and smiled a little as Heechul's towel moved towards my forehead and eventually down to my cheeks.

He sighed and dipped the corner of the towel into the basin of water again. He then started scrubbing my arms gently with the towel lathered in bath soap. He wiped down the suds, then he lifted off the blanket covering my bare chest and started going over it with the towel when I felt a stab of pain where he was wiping. I groaned in pain.

"Wait, that - that hurts," I said with a frown. Heechul quickly drew the towel away from my chest.

"Sorry," he said hastily as I winced.

He didn't seem like he knew what to do for a second before pulling the blanket up again to cover my chest. As I sighed a breath of relief, he bit his lip.

"Sorry. I'm new at this, I don't really know what I'm doing," said Heechul. He hesitated before pulling the blanket up to my neck again. He put the towel on my arm again, and started wiping the places that he'd already wiped down just a few moments ago.

But it still felt so good.

I smiled back. "Doesn't matter, st - still feels good."

I was enjoying the bath that he was giving me with my eyes closed and a tiny smile hung across my lips the entire time until I felt the towel shake a little and heard a sniffle. I looked at him and saw his eyes growing wet, and then a tear rolling down his face.

"Hyu - hyung, what's wrong?"

Heechul looked at me, almost looking angry. "Why did you forgive me?" he asked.

I stared at him and I was still searching for the right words to say when Heechul wiped his tears and shook his head.

"Your father's right," he whispered. "I don't deserve a dongsaeng like you. And I'm - " He stopped, and then he threw all the towels that he had been using in the basin. He set everything down on the table beside me, then he got up and left the room.

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Comments

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secretanimelover #1
I might actually cry. This fic has always been so special to me and I used to come back and read my fave chapters regularly. I am so grateful that you are letting us all have access to it again. Thank you so much!
ferris_wheel
#2
Chapter 151: Thank you, i always go back to this whenever i need something to read. So thank you
mykyunie #3
Chapter 150: Love it very much
kyunniebiased4life
#4
I AM SO HAPPY TO SEE THIS UP AGAIN! I had to get a web archive from this to be able to read it. Thank you so much for allowing us to revisit this amazing story of our beloved maknae. Its a little bittersweet reading about Jonghyun, but I still love this so much.
bananajun
#5
hey, thank you so much for bringing this back.
mikaella_suju #6
Wahh I didn't know you republished this again. I literally searched the whole web just so I can re read
this again. I remembered messaging someone on Twitter asking for the link for this on wayback machine (webarchive.org). I really love this, its been years since I've read this but I still remember how good this was. Thank you for writing such an amazing fic!❤
Maymayz #7
Chapter 150: Oh my god you opened it again!!!!! I'm tearing up😭😭😭
Thank you so much for your hard work💙💙
mykyunie #8
Chapter 151: I do not understand why you are not satisfied with this job. I am not a writer, I only dedicate myself to reading the works of others, and believe me I have read many, many fics. and I must tell you that this fic is wonderful.
You cannot imagine how infinitely grateful I am that you allowed us to read it again since you stated that you did not intend to republish it.
This was the first fic I had the opportunity to read here at AFF and although I have read it many times each time I have done it, I end up in a sea of ​​tears because of the emotional roller coaster that Kyu had to go through to win the love of his hyungs and also about living the accident and recovering to achieve success.
thank you very much.
Henry9599 #9
Chapter 151: hello, i was wondering if there was sequel for "kyuhyun its been hard on you" ? I really really love that story. I really hope you can consider about sequel or one shot about suju if you are avialable. Really thank you for your amazing and lovely stories
Fridel2
#10
Chapter 151: I remember being blown away by the concept and the talent you showed. I'll keep an eye out for your AO3 ~